Fic: Keep Me A Secret
Title: Keep Me A Secret
Pairing: Rachel / Santana
Rating: T
Summary: This is a prequel to Keeping It Down, I guess their coming out story.
Spoilers: Only Season 1 stuff
A/N: When speech is the only thing in italics it's Spanish, whole chucks of text is past and the song lyrics are also in italics. Hasn't been beta'd so all the mistakes are mine - sorry about them. Enjoy.
They had been sort of seeing each other for four months now. Sort of because every time Santana broached the subject of telling either their friends or their parents, Rachel would just clam up, change the subject or start making out with her.
It wasn't that Santana was complaining about the last part, them making out was totally hot. It wasn't that she didn't respect that Rachel might have issues coming out to everyone, because she did.
Santana used to be absolutely terrified about coming out, but after spending an awful lot of time at the Berry's she started realising that if she wasn't comfortable with herself then she wouldn't be able to be happy. It also didn't hurt when her mother had asked if she and Brittany had split up. Despite the awkwardness of that conversation, her mother had made it clear that they loved her no matter who she was.
Santana could even put up with being shoved off the sofa every time the Berry men got home early while they were making out. She didn't really understand what was going on, considering how Rachel was about everything; so proud. The bruises she was starting to get were a pain but she was really falling for Rachel and didn't want to push the girl into something she wasn't ready for. It was more the fact that Rachel refused to even talk about it.
It was the last month of their relationship that had really done it for the Latina. The last month also happened to be the first month of their Junior year. They'd had a conversation and agreed that they'd not be out at school. So Santana hadn't done anything to the girl, she'd spent her days with both Quinn and Brittany. Didn't sit next to Rachel in any lessons or glee.
Things seemed to be going well, or so the cheerleader had thought. She hadn't expected that after a rather grueling Cheerio's practice that she'd come home to find Rachel sat in her bedroom arms crossed, angry expression on her face.
She carefully took a seat opposite the clearly upset diva, trying to think of what she could have done. Rachel hadn't been slushied, in fact none of the glee club had since the beginning of the year, a feat that had taken an awful lot of threatening on Santana's part. Santana hadn't called her a single name either, or given her any dirty looks, in fact sparring the fact that she barely talked to her, she'd been really nice.
"Rach you're going to have to help me out here, what exactly are you mad at?" The Latina asked the question rather timidly, while staring at her own feet.
"What am I mad at? How can you sit there like you have no idea!? You are absolutely ridiculous I just can't believe that you have the audacity to be clueless!" Rachel's quick and angry response did absolutely nothing to answer the question. It did on the other hand do everything to make Santana more worried.
"You're being nice to me in public!" The diva exclaimed when it became apparent that the Latina wasn't going to figure it out.
Out of all the possible things that Santana thought Rachel would have brought up, that honestly was not one of them. She was utterly gob smacked, which lasted all of one minute before her frustration over everything found a way to let it's self out.
"No! I'm not doing it. I'm not going to treat you badly just because you don't want people to know about us. I get it, but I don't talk to you, sit with you or anything at school. I'm not going back to how I used to be to you, it'll kill me, and it'll kill our relationship." Santana was milliseconds away from crying.
She was exhausted, physically and emotionally. But she refused to brake down in front of her, not about this, not when Rachel didn't seem to care about her feelings in this matter. Luckily or unluckily, depending on how you looked at it, Rachel choose that moment to storm out of the room in a huff.
That night was spent crying on the phone to Brittany about the whole thing.
Now it was half a week later. She was stood outside the glee room nervously waiting for Brittany to return with her guitar. Brittany had stated that it'd be quicker if while Santana got changed, - she was now wearing a wife beater and jeans, with her hair down. While Brittany got the Latina's acoustic from her boot. Santana was beginning to think it would have been quicker for her to do both.
Just when Santana was going to give up and go find Brittany's car, the girl in question came hurrying down the corridor, guitar case in hand. "Sorry San forgot which button unlocked the boot. Are we late?"
"About ten minutes so." Santana replied taking the case off the blonde girl.
They both walked into the choir room, interrupting the current conversation, not that Santana actually cared, what she was about to do was more important.
With an air of confidence that she wasn't really feeling, "Mr Schue I want to sing a song. It's important."
The director honestly looked confused, which wasn't surprising, Santana never really volunteered to do anything with in the club. Which was probably why everyone's faces looked somewhat a kin to Mr Schue's.
Santana set the case down, opening it and taking out her acoustic, she spent a minute to make sure that it was still in tune.
Once she was sure that it was, she stood, slipping the strap over her shoulder and turning to face the club. She took in everyone's facial expression's, holding back the smirk where Rachel was openly staring at her guitar strap, a strap that Rachel had bought her for her sixteenth birthday. Probably because it was a Wicked one, she had no idea how Rachel had found one, which Santana had sworn to the Diva she'd never wear in public.
"Since when do you play Lopez?"
"Since forever Puckermen. I've just never had a good enough reason to share."
It was as if all of a sudden everyone wanted to say something but Santana cut them all off as she started to play.
I'm trying not to feel you but
you just brushed by
and if you dare to cross that line you know
my toes will step on fire
Santana refused to look at Rachel, she knew that if she did then she wouldn't be able to look away and then people would realise she was singing because of her.
Ohh sizzle when it's face on face
and skin on skin
I'm trying to keep you out and keep me in
Her eyes locked onto Brittany's needing the support she found in them.
100 million eyes behind these walls
watching ya hearing ya knowing ya
Keep me a secret, keep me out your arms
keep my kisses off your lipstick
stop me swallowing your charms
keep yourself a secret, lock up all your doors
I'll keep you out of my dreams just you keep me out of yours
As she continued singing, eyes locked with Brittany's, she knew the rest of the club would think she was singing to the blonde girl as a opposed to the brunette. But Rachel would know she was singing to her. She hoped that Rachel understood that this wasn't that she wanted to split up with her, it was just how she felt, how Rachel was making her feel. At least they would both know that they couldn't keep going like this.
Once she finished her song, she let her eyes travel around the room, there were many shocked faces. Santana had sung from her heart and anyone listening could tell this. Some of that shock was probably directed at the fact the firery Latina actually had emotions.
Santana caught a glimpse of Rachel's face and she wasn't able to read it, but she could tell the girl knew it was for her and that she understood what she was trying to say. As quickly as she'd looked at Rachel she turned back to Brittany who gave her a sweet smile.
Wanting to preserve the rest of her dignity, she was about to cry and she didn't want to have to sit in the same room as Rachel wondering if the diva was going to dump her. Santana staged her own storm out. Only in the rush to get out of there so quickly the only thing she took with her was her guitar meaning both the case and her bag were left in the room.
She didn't realise that she'd left anything behind, not until she was already outside the building, there was no way that she was going back inside for her stuff now. Which left her with two choices, wait for Brittany to finish so she can get her usual lift home, or walk. Santana took the two hour walk.
Guitar on her back, hands shoved deep into her pockets Santana finally let the tears fall. The tears that had been threatening to fall since performing her song. She didn't really care that she was in public with tears falling down her face. This was one of the best things that has ever happened to her and it might all be over.
With both her brothers being older then her, the youngest of the two having five years on her, and her father working all hours at the hospital, there'd only be one person at home when she got in. The problem was her mother was amazing perceptive. It would take five seconds of being in the older woman's presence for her to crack the walls Santana managed to put up during the last hour of her walk.
If she could get into the house quietly and make it up her room without her mother hearing her she'd be safe, or at least not having to face the older woman till she wanted to. Carefully sliding the key into the lock, turning it, and slowly pushing the door open, it was probably amongst the quietest she'd managed to open it, but still with the door half way open she heard her mother's voice; "Santana, kitchen."
With a sigh of frustration Santana closed the door, choosing to learn on it for a moment. Forehead pressed into the wood if the door, she told herself she could do it, she could survive a conversation with her mother.
They young woman headed towards the kitchen, taking her guitar off to lean against a wall along the way.
On entering the kitchen Santana saw her mum sat at the table. Her guitar case and school bag were also in the room, meaning that Brittany had most likely been round.
"Brittany said she tried looking for you, but couldn't find you on he drive over, and you left your phone in your bag." Her mother had that look on her face, the look that said that this was about to go into a serious talk, Santana could only nod, not trusting herself to talk.
"Honey, what's going on?"
One softly spoken sentence in her native tongue was all it took to crack Santana Lopez. She found herself falling into the waiting arms of her mother, tears falling, before spilling the entire story.
-----------------
Rachel Berry was sat, cross legged on the stage in the auditorium, thinking. There was no singing and thus the room had an eerie silence to it.
That was how Quinn found her, half and hour after glee practice had finished. "You know me and Santana don't always see eye to eye. But out of the two of you I always thought that it'd be Santana running scared. I never thought I'd see the day when you would sit by and break the person you love."
Quinn kept her distance as Rachel took to her feet, angry expression all over it. "You know nothing about what's going on between me and Santana!" Rachel practically spat with an angry jab of her finger in the blonde girl's direction.
"You're right I don't. All I know was that during the time that we were bonding over your mother adopting my daughter, you kept talking about this person you'd met and how amazing they were. I talked to Brittany, you know Santana was always out whenever you had a date with you mystery person. I also know that for Santana to sing something like that while near crying means she's in love with you too. So what are you so afraid of?"
Quinn had never thought that she'd see the day where she played match maker for Rachel Manhands, Stubbles, RuPaul, Yentle Berry. Joining glee and getting knocked up apparently changed you a lot.
"It's not Santana's reputation that's the problem. Sh's proved to me so many times that I'm not just for sex. I know it, I mean we haven't done it yet and she hasn't even pushed the issue. Damn it Quinn it's just I'm going to be proving everyone right, that gay parents can only raise gay children!"
The look that came over Quinn's face was something a kin to what one would assume someone would look like if the person in front of them grew a second head.
"You know just before the Show Choir Nationals Santana took me out, said I needed cheering up. We broke into Jesse St James house the night before Vocal Adrenaline left. We put a load of hair removal cream in his shampoo bottle. It worked Santana has a DVD of their performance. It's actually actually really funny. But here's the thing, at the time I never really got why we were going it, I'd just moved home and gave up my baby and honestly I wasn't really in a great place. But now I know, Santana did it because he hurt you, she planed the whole thing out in detail, we broke in because she already had a key to his house. She was willing to get both of us arrested to defend your honour without even telling you. Think about it."
Once Quinn had finished her speech she left Rachel alone to do just that; think about it.
----------------
It was the next day and Santana was leaning against the lockers while Quinn searched through hers, looking for something that the Latina hadn't actually cared enough to find out what, Pinkies linked with Brittany's as she tried to pretend that nothing was bothering her, it just resulted in her glaring at everyone who walked past.
Rachel had made up her mind, she'd realised that Santana's song meant that either stop with the not letting her in or let her go. After making the surprisingly easy decision, she was going to have to thank Quinn for her words later, she had one aim right now; find Santana Lopez.
It turned out to be a little harder to find her then she had initially thought it would be, she wasn't by her locker, which meant she had to just search through the corridors hoping to catch a glimpse of her before first period started.
As the hallways started to clear out, Rachel turned onto the last one she'd have time to look through before she had to go to class, she finally saw her. She broke into a full force sprint.
Everyone who was still hanging around stopped what they were doing to see what was making the annoying diva run. Which then led them to have the biggest shock of the year.
Santana watched as Rachel ran at her, she wasn't about to admit it but she was a little bit terrified at the sight. Once her girlfriend, could she even still call her that? Reached her, she didn't even get a chance to ask what she wanted when Rachel pretty much shouted; "I love you!" Before slamming their lips together in a heated lip lock.
When Santana recovered from her shock and started kissing her back Rachel knew she'd made the right choice. So she pushed Santana harder into the lockers, one hand griping a hold of the taller girl's hip, the other gently caressing her check.
Both girls forgot where they were, not noticing the flashes of camera's going off around them, just totally lost in each other.
A/N 2 : The song is Keep me your secret - bet you'd never have guessed, it's by Ainslie Henderson - listen to it it's awesome and completely inspired this entire fic. Feedback is greatly appreciated, thanks for reading :D
Pairing: Rachel / Santana
Rating: T
Summary: This is a prequel to Keeping It Down, I guess their coming out story.
Spoilers: Only Season 1 stuff
A/N: When speech is the only thing in italics it's Spanish, whole chucks of text is past and the song lyrics are also in italics. Hasn't been beta'd so all the mistakes are mine - sorry about them. Enjoy.
They had been sort of seeing each other for four months now. Sort of because every time Santana broached the subject of telling either their friends or their parents, Rachel would just clam up, change the subject or start making out with her.
It wasn't that Santana was complaining about the last part, them making out was totally hot. It wasn't that she didn't respect that Rachel might have issues coming out to everyone, because she did.
Santana used to be absolutely terrified about coming out, but after spending an awful lot of time at the Berry's she started realising that if she wasn't comfortable with herself then she wouldn't be able to be happy. It also didn't hurt when her mother had asked if she and Brittany had split up. Despite the awkwardness of that conversation, her mother had made it clear that they loved her no matter who she was.
Santana could even put up with being shoved off the sofa every time the Berry men got home early while they were making out. She didn't really understand what was going on, considering how Rachel was about everything; so proud. The bruises she was starting to get were a pain but she was really falling for Rachel and didn't want to push the girl into something she wasn't ready for. It was more the fact that Rachel refused to even talk about it.
It was the last month of their relationship that had really done it for the Latina. The last month also happened to be the first month of their Junior year. They'd had a conversation and agreed that they'd not be out at school. So Santana hadn't done anything to the girl, she'd spent her days with both Quinn and Brittany. Didn't sit next to Rachel in any lessons or glee.
Things seemed to be going well, or so the cheerleader had thought. She hadn't expected that after a rather grueling Cheerio's practice that she'd come home to find Rachel sat in her bedroom arms crossed, angry expression on her face.
She carefully took a seat opposite the clearly upset diva, trying to think of what she could have done. Rachel hadn't been slushied, in fact none of the glee club had since the beginning of the year, a feat that had taken an awful lot of threatening on Santana's part. Santana hadn't called her a single name either, or given her any dirty looks, in fact sparring the fact that she barely talked to her, she'd been really nice.
"Rach you're going to have to help me out here, what exactly are you mad at?" The Latina asked the question rather timidly, while staring at her own feet.
"What am I mad at? How can you sit there like you have no idea!? You are absolutely ridiculous I just can't believe that you have the audacity to be clueless!" Rachel's quick and angry response did absolutely nothing to answer the question. It did on the other hand do everything to make Santana more worried.
"You're being nice to me in public!" The diva exclaimed when it became apparent that the Latina wasn't going to figure it out.
Out of all the possible things that Santana thought Rachel would have brought up, that honestly was not one of them. She was utterly gob smacked, which lasted all of one minute before her frustration over everything found a way to let it's self out.
"No! I'm not doing it. I'm not going to treat you badly just because you don't want people to know about us. I get it, but I don't talk to you, sit with you or anything at school. I'm not going back to how I used to be to you, it'll kill me, and it'll kill our relationship." Santana was milliseconds away from crying.
She was exhausted, physically and emotionally. But she refused to brake down in front of her, not about this, not when Rachel didn't seem to care about her feelings in this matter. Luckily or unluckily, depending on how you looked at it, Rachel choose that moment to storm out of the room in a huff.
That night was spent crying on the phone to Brittany about the whole thing.
Now it was half a week later. She was stood outside the glee room nervously waiting for Brittany to return with her guitar. Brittany had stated that it'd be quicker if while Santana got changed, - she was now wearing a wife beater and jeans, with her hair down. While Brittany got the Latina's acoustic from her boot. Santana was beginning to think it would have been quicker for her to do both.
Just when Santana was going to give up and go find Brittany's car, the girl in question came hurrying down the corridor, guitar case in hand. "Sorry San forgot which button unlocked the boot. Are we late?"
"About ten minutes so." Santana replied taking the case off the blonde girl.
They both walked into the choir room, interrupting the current conversation, not that Santana actually cared, what she was about to do was more important.
With an air of confidence that she wasn't really feeling, "Mr Schue I want to sing a song. It's important."
The director honestly looked confused, which wasn't surprising, Santana never really volunteered to do anything with in the club. Which was probably why everyone's faces looked somewhat a kin to Mr Schue's.
Santana set the case down, opening it and taking out her acoustic, she spent a minute to make sure that it was still in tune.
Once she was sure that it was, she stood, slipping the strap over her shoulder and turning to face the club. She took in everyone's facial expression's, holding back the smirk where Rachel was openly staring at her guitar strap, a strap that Rachel had bought her for her sixteenth birthday. Probably because it was a Wicked one, she had no idea how Rachel had found one, which Santana had sworn to the Diva she'd never wear in public.
"Since when do you play Lopez?"
"Since forever Puckermen. I've just never had a good enough reason to share."
It was as if all of a sudden everyone wanted to say something but Santana cut them all off as she started to play.
I'm trying not to feel you but
you just brushed by
and if you dare to cross that line you know
my toes will step on fire
Santana refused to look at Rachel, she knew that if she did then she wouldn't be able to look away and then people would realise she was singing because of her.
Ohh sizzle when it's face on face
and skin on skin
I'm trying to keep you out and keep me in
Her eyes locked onto Brittany's needing the support she found in them.
100 million eyes behind these walls
watching ya hearing ya knowing ya
Keep me a secret, keep me out your arms
keep my kisses off your lipstick
stop me swallowing your charms
keep yourself a secret, lock up all your doors
I'll keep you out of my dreams just you keep me out of yours
As she continued singing, eyes locked with Brittany's, she knew the rest of the club would think she was singing to the blonde girl as a opposed to the brunette. But Rachel would know she was singing to her. She hoped that Rachel understood that this wasn't that she wanted to split up with her, it was just how she felt, how Rachel was making her feel. At least they would both know that they couldn't keep going like this.
Once she finished her song, she let her eyes travel around the room, there were many shocked faces. Santana had sung from her heart and anyone listening could tell this. Some of that shock was probably directed at the fact the firery Latina actually had emotions.
Santana caught a glimpse of Rachel's face and she wasn't able to read it, but she could tell the girl knew it was for her and that she understood what she was trying to say. As quickly as she'd looked at Rachel she turned back to Brittany who gave her a sweet smile.
Wanting to preserve the rest of her dignity, she was about to cry and she didn't want to have to sit in the same room as Rachel wondering if the diva was going to dump her. Santana staged her own storm out. Only in the rush to get out of there so quickly the only thing she took with her was her guitar meaning both the case and her bag were left in the room.
She didn't realise that she'd left anything behind, not until she was already outside the building, there was no way that she was going back inside for her stuff now. Which left her with two choices, wait for Brittany to finish so she can get her usual lift home, or walk. Santana took the two hour walk.
Guitar on her back, hands shoved deep into her pockets Santana finally let the tears fall. The tears that had been threatening to fall since performing her song. She didn't really care that she was in public with tears falling down her face. This was one of the best things that has ever happened to her and it might all be over.
With both her brothers being older then her, the youngest of the two having five years on her, and her father working all hours at the hospital, there'd only be one person at home when she got in. The problem was her mother was amazing perceptive. It would take five seconds of being in the older woman's presence for her to crack the walls Santana managed to put up during the last hour of her walk.
If she could get into the house quietly and make it up her room without her mother hearing her she'd be safe, or at least not having to face the older woman till she wanted to. Carefully sliding the key into the lock, turning it, and slowly pushing the door open, it was probably amongst the quietest she'd managed to open it, but still with the door half way open she heard her mother's voice; "Santana, kitchen."
With a sigh of frustration Santana closed the door, choosing to learn on it for a moment. Forehead pressed into the wood if the door, she told herself she could do it, she could survive a conversation with her mother.
They young woman headed towards the kitchen, taking her guitar off to lean against a wall along the way.
On entering the kitchen Santana saw her mum sat at the table. Her guitar case and school bag were also in the room, meaning that Brittany had most likely been round.
"Brittany said she tried looking for you, but couldn't find you on he drive over, and you left your phone in your bag." Her mother had that look on her face, the look that said that this was about to go into a serious talk, Santana could only nod, not trusting herself to talk.
"Honey, what's going on?"
One softly spoken sentence in her native tongue was all it took to crack Santana Lopez. She found herself falling into the waiting arms of her mother, tears falling, before spilling the entire story.
-----------------
Rachel Berry was sat, cross legged on the stage in the auditorium, thinking. There was no singing and thus the room had an eerie silence to it.
That was how Quinn found her, half and hour after glee practice had finished. "You know me and Santana don't always see eye to eye. But out of the two of you I always thought that it'd be Santana running scared. I never thought I'd see the day when you would sit by and break the person you love."
Quinn kept her distance as Rachel took to her feet, angry expression all over it. "You know nothing about what's going on between me and Santana!" Rachel practically spat with an angry jab of her finger in the blonde girl's direction.
"You're right I don't. All I know was that during the time that we were bonding over your mother adopting my daughter, you kept talking about this person you'd met and how amazing they were. I talked to Brittany, you know Santana was always out whenever you had a date with you mystery person. I also know that for Santana to sing something like that while near crying means she's in love with you too. So what are you so afraid of?"
Quinn had never thought that she'd see the day where she played match maker for Rachel Manhands, Stubbles, RuPaul, Yentle Berry. Joining glee and getting knocked up apparently changed you a lot.
"It's not Santana's reputation that's the problem. Sh's proved to me so many times that I'm not just for sex. I know it, I mean we haven't done it yet and she hasn't even pushed the issue. Damn it Quinn it's just I'm going to be proving everyone right, that gay parents can only raise gay children!"
The look that came over Quinn's face was something a kin to what one would assume someone would look like if the person in front of them grew a second head.
"You know just before the Show Choir Nationals Santana took me out, said I needed cheering up. We broke into Jesse St James house the night before Vocal Adrenaline left. We put a load of hair removal cream in his shampoo bottle. It worked Santana has a DVD of their performance. It's actually actually really funny. But here's the thing, at the time I never really got why we were going it, I'd just moved home and gave up my baby and honestly I wasn't really in a great place. But now I know, Santana did it because he hurt you, she planed the whole thing out in detail, we broke in because she already had a key to his house. She was willing to get both of us arrested to defend your honour without even telling you. Think about it."
Once Quinn had finished her speech she left Rachel alone to do just that; think about it.
----------------
It was the next day and Santana was leaning against the lockers while Quinn searched through hers, looking for something that the Latina hadn't actually cared enough to find out what, Pinkies linked with Brittany's as she tried to pretend that nothing was bothering her, it just resulted in her glaring at everyone who walked past.
Rachel had made up her mind, she'd realised that Santana's song meant that either stop with the not letting her in or let her go. After making the surprisingly easy decision, she was going to have to thank Quinn for her words later, she had one aim right now; find Santana Lopez.
It turned out to be a little harder to find her then she had initially thought it would be, she wasn't by her locker, which meant she had to just search through the corridors hoping to catch a glimpse of her before first period started.
As the hallways started to clear out, Rachel turned onto the last one she'd have time to look through before she had to go to class, she finally saw her. She broke into a full force sprint.
Everyone who was still hanging around stopped what they were doing to see what was making the annoying diva run. Which then led them to have the biggest shock of the year.
Santana watched as Rachel ran at her, she wasn't about to admit it but she was a little bit terrified at the sight. Once her girlfriend, could she even still call her that? Reached her, she didn't even get a chance to ask what she wanted when Rachel pretty much shouted; "I love you!" Before slamming their lips together in a heated lip lock.
When Santana recovered from her shock and started kissing her back Rachel knew she'd made the right choice. So she pushed Santana harder into the lockers, one hand griping a hold of the taller girl's hip, the other gently caressing her check.
Both girls forgot where they were, not noticing the flashes of camera's going off around them, just totally lost in each other.
A/N 2 : The song is Keep me your secret - bet you'd never have guessed, it's by Ainslie Henderson - listen to it it's awesome and completely inspired this entire fic. Feedback is greatly appreciated, thanks for reading :D