The lone star state.
Where did it all come from? Why am I here? I don't just mean why am I in Texas, but I suppose asking myself that over and over again prompted this existential crisis. I mean, how did I come to be... What holds me together? Sometimes I feel alright about dying simply because it's possible that the universe is in a state of inevitable entropic decay as well. Quite possibly my life is a reflection of this course of being, like a single firecracker exploding in the air, and this comforts me. Maybe parts of me will never go away, they will just never be arranged in this pattern again. Maybe it will expand and contract, much like my lovehandles. But I'm not dying. And the universe is really excruciatingly dull either way. I guess this is what happens when you don't have cable.
I changed my return flight on my trip to Florida next month to go back home to New Hampshire instead of back to Texas. I was going to move back sometime in March, but I really can't see myself "straight chillin" in my bedroom for another six weeks all by myself, walking to 7-11 or Wendy's, buying something horrifying to put in my body, then walking back by the Salvation Army and the All Faiths Funeral Home in my daily somber parade of broken dreams. I'm fucking 30 and never felt so repressed. I'm also counting down the hours until Trish or Sarah find some new character flaw in me to project their hatred of men on. I drank a bottle of juice. I smoked cigarettes in my room on the coldest night, with the window open even. It's not like I smoked in the living room. It's not like I've ever been in the living room. God, I held out hope for six weeks on a bed in the kitchen that my new bedroom was going to have a balcony like they said it would. Otherwise I would have left when I found out they picked a place without me. It's no wonder I cried my eyes out at the airport last Xmas, though it seems silly now. This place is colder than Antarctica.
But when I get back, I'm fully aware of the hazards ahead. My dad. He's insanity with a side of Krohnes. I was really blown away by Amber's invitation to come back to work at the resort. It's a kind of warm fuzzy feeling that almost makes me forget what a raging hemorrhoid of a boss she is. Still, I can make so much money, and my moves on the dance floor at the Christmas party totally blew away their memory of what a pain in the ass I was, disappearing during weddings with Miles or taking food home from the buffet line. What my goal for this year is, and I know livejournal will hold me to it, is to find a cool apartment by the lake that is 100% percent mine, buy a shitty car, and spend my bday in ptown. My universe expanded a lot over the last five months, but I feel those forces of gravity pulling me back to do it all over. I'm destined to live an unusual life, I shoud keep some things in life usual. Maybe this time I will make that bitch Jared lose his waste of life boyfriend and start doing me on the regular. Better yet, I will start doing a lot of even more interesting, attractive people on the regular, and Jared can still blow me in the parking lot. I want to cultivate platonium with the platonic loves of my life Josh and Miles, people who like me for no reason at all. My real goal is to feel that good feeling about my life I almost had once. There are some things you can only learn about yourself while waiting for a bus that isn't coming in a city you've never been in before without a cell phone.
I changed my return flight on my trip to Florida next month to go back home to New Hampshire instead of back to Texas. I was going to move back sometime in March, but I really can't see myself "straight chillin" in my bedroom for another six weeks all by myself, walking to 7-11 or Wendy's, buying something horrifying to put in my body, then walking back by the Salvation Army and the All Faiths Funeral Home in my daily somber parade of broken dreams. I'm fucking 30 and never felt so repressed. I'm also counting down the hours until Trish or Sarah find some new character flaw in me to project their hatred of men on. I drank a bottle of juice. I smoked cigarettes in my room on the coldest night, with the window open even. It's not like I smoked in the living room. It's not like I've ever been in the living room. God, I held out hope for six weeks on a bed in the kitchen that my new bedroom was going to have a balcony like they said it would. Otherwise I would have left when I found out they picked a place without me. It's no wonder I cried my eyes out at the airport last Xmas, though it seems silly now. This place is colder than Antarctica.
But when I get back, I'm fully aware of the hazards ahead. My dad. He's insanity with a side of Krohnes. I was really blown away by Amber's invitation to come back to work at the resort. It's a kind of warm fuzzy feeling that almost makes me forget what a raging hemorrhoid of a boss she is. Still, I can make so much money, and my moves on the dance floor at the Christmas party totally blew away their memory of what a pain in the ass I was, disappearing during weddings with Miles or taking food home from the buffet line. What my goal for this year is, and I know livejournal will hold me to it, is to find a cool apartment by the lake that is 100% percent mine, buy a shitty car, and spend my bday in ptown. My universe expanded a lot over the last five months, but I feel those forces of gravity pulling me back to do it all over. I'm destined to live an unusual life, I shoud keep some things in life usual. Maybe this time I will make that bitch Jared lose his waste of life boyfriend and start doing me on the regular. Better yet, I will start doing a lot of even more interesting, attractive people on the regular, and Jared can still blow me in the parking lot. I want to cultivate platonium with the platonic loves of my life Josh and Miles, people who like me for no reason at all. My real goal is to feel that good feeling about my life I almost had once. There are some things you can only learn about yourself while waiting for a bus that isn't coming in a city you've never been in before without a cell phone.