A Better Way of Handling Things

Jul 23, 2014 11:36

I'll admit that for a lot of my life my parents' way of handling arguments felt normal to me - well, the calmer parts. I knew the screaming rages were wrong. I've made a lot of effort to not be that way. I don't like to raise my voice even when my tone makes it clear that I'm mad. But, the other parts, the nasty, critical, sarcastic put-downs, the using a person's vulnerabilities against them. Compared to the frightening tantrums, those were more subtle cruelty. While the rages were done only by mom, the rest were both of my parents.

So, I often had boyfriends and even a lot of platonic friends who were the same way. And, I would do it back. I never even thought to question whether it was normal to make someone feel adored one day and worthless the next.

That changed with W. He didn't do any of these things. He treated me with so much decency that for the first time I realized there was something off with the way those others acted and that I shouldn't act that way either. While I was with him, I often thought he was making me a nicer person. (Though P., my rebound from W,, was a throwback to the other type. But now, it was so easy to recognize and once he showed his true colors, I felt no pain or conflict over walking away.)

There were moments, though, when I could feel myself wanting to revert back to those old dynamics when I felt like I needed to defend myself and couldn't find any other way to do it. He could be really clueless and stubborn at times and telling him gently just would not sink in.

What would end up happening is I would stay silent to avoid saying something I would regret and I would never come up with anything better and it wouldn't get resolved. This was no good either. I have two equally strong fears: letting someone walk all over me or not treating someone with the respect they deserve. It shouldn't have to be either/or.

I often thought that I had to grow and evolve a lot as a person to even have met someone like him to begin with, instead of being drawn to the wrong kind of person. I feel like I started at such a low remedial level of relationship skills that I still haven't graduated that high.
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