Unlikable
I'm thinking now about the specific reasons I ended things with P. In the beginning, I liked him because he made an effort to be fun and interesting. Sure, there were always some things I found a little odd, like his obsession with his magical "anti-aging" diet and his insistence that he looked like he was in his 20s, or his excessive bragging about everything (that revealed a high level of self-delusion). But, I overlooked these things, because everyone has their quirks.
But, as he got more comfortable with me and we were spending more time together, he started to show his true colors. He became boring, annoying, and needy. He was negative all the time and didn't even seem to realize when it was rude to say these things. Like the time I told him about my childhood trips to Toronto and how happy those memories were. He immediately started complaining about how much he hates Toronto. He also had this story about being mugged that he must love to tell because I've heard it so many times. Then, one time, he started with that, and then, proceeded to tell me one mugging story after the other (apparently, it's happened to him a lot). That time, even he realized after awhile that it was too much and apologized.
Or, the way he would make nasty comments about everyone who walked by. It was often about their weight, and if not that, he'd find something else. There was one time we ran into someone he knew who was an unemployed motivational speaker. We both agreed that while he was nice, he didn't seem to have the most exciting personality. But then, he later emailed me a van-by-the-river parody of this guy, calling him John Limp. Was that supposed to impress me? I guess he thought he was being clever.
When it comes down to it, he's just a godawful unpleasant person. When he insists that we're soulmates and I'm head-over-heels in love with him, I'm baffled at how he thinks that could even be possible.
But, the final nail didn't even go in the coffin until he let it slip that the whole time he'd been seeing me, he was leading his "ex"-girlfriend to believe they weren't completely done. I told him I didn't want to see him, again. So, he showed up at my door the next morning and repeatedly rang the buzzer. Then, remembering that my living room blind was stuck, he came around and peeked in the window. I hid in the bedroom until my dog stopped barking.
When he emailed me a few days later, it was to berate me for how badly I'd treated him by not letting him in and "making him feel like a stalker" (not that it's his fault for acting like one, I guess). I never replied to any of his emails, but he continued to send them. Every time one of his faults came up, he tried to find a way to blame me for it. This is a red flag trait. He explained that he and his girlfriend had been together so long because they were both afraid of being alone and so, he needed to know he had a new relationship before he could leave her. But, what about her fears? Someone who is that selfish is just not worth it.
This is why it's not reasonable to say you "just know" when you first meet someone if you're meant to be. Lots of people show drastically different sides of themselves after the first few months. I do know some people who married someone they just met and it worked out for them, but even they will say they just lucked out, not that that's what everyone should do.
At the end of one of his emails to me, he wrote (with my name x'ed out):
"xxxx, I can't just turn off how I feel about you. There is more than just chemistry between us. There is something spiritual as well. It's hard to deny that there is something... destiny doesn't make mistakes...
There is a reason we've collided in this life. The odds are incalculable if you really think about it, that any two people really connect at all. But, we have..."
Thing is if I was happy, I wouldn't need to rationalize it as "destiny". It wouldn't matter. When you start to argue that an intangible force wants things a certain way, you've run out of any better arguments.
(Backstory: http://hyperthymesiac.livejournal.com/1136.html)
But, as he got more comfortable with me and we were spending more time together, he started to show his true colors. He became boring, annoying, and needy. He was negative all the time and didn't even seem to realize when it was rude to say these things. Like the time I told him about my childhood trips to Toronto and how happy those memories were. He immediately started complaining about how much he hates Toronto. He also had this story about being mugged that he must love to tell because I've heard it so many times. Then, one time, he started with that, and then, proceeded to tell me one mugging story after the other (apparently, it's happened to him a lot). That time, even he realized after awhile that it was too much and apologized.
Or, the way he would make nasty comments about everyone who walked by. It was often about their weight, and if not that, he'd find something else. There was one time we ran into someone he knew who was an unemployed motivational speaker. We both agreed that while he was nice, he didn't seem to have the most exciting personality. But then, he later emailed me a van-by-the-river parody of this guy, calling him John Limp. Was that supposed to impress me? I guess he thought he was being clever.
When it comes down to it, he's just a godawful unpleasant person. When he insists that we're soulmates and I'm head-over-heels in love with him, I'm baffled at how he thinks that could even be possible.
But, the final nail didn't even go in the coffin until he let it slip that the whole time he'd been seeing me, he was leading his "ex"-girlfriend to believe they weren't completely done. I told him I didn't want to see him, again. So, he showed up at my door the next morning and repeatedly rang the buzzer. Then, remembering that my living room blind was stuck, he came around and peeked in the window. I hid in the bedroom until my dog stopped barking.
When he emailed me a few days later, it was to berate me for how badly I'd treated him by not letting him in and "making him feel like a stalker" (not that it's his fault for acting like one, I guess). I never replied to any of his emails, but he continued to send them. Every time one of his faults came up, he tried to find a way to blame me for it. This is a red flag trait. He explained that he and his girlfriend had been together so long because they were both afraid of being alone and so, he needed to know he had a new relationship before he could leave her. But, what about her fears? Someone who is that selfish is just not worth it.
This is why it's not reasonable to say you "just know" when you first meet someone if you're meant to be. Lots of people show drastically different sides of themselves after the first few months. I do know some people who married someone they just met and it worked out for them, but even they will say they just lucked out, not that that's what everyone should do.
At the end of one of his emails to me, he wrote (with my name x'ed out):
"xxxx, I can't just turn off how I feel about you. There is more than just chemistry between us. There is something spiritual as well. It's hard to deny that there is something... destiny doesn't make mistakes...
There is a reason we've collided in this life. The odds are incalculable if you really think about it, that any two people really connect at all. But, we have..."
Thing is if I was happy, I wouldn't need to rationalize it as "destiny". It wouldn't matter. When you start to argue that an intangible force wants things a certain way, you've run out of any better arguments.
(Backstory: http://hyperthymesiac.livejournal.com/1136.html)