well
Haven't been up to much. Tried to do life-affirming things, much against my will. So off I went to buy some marigolds, petunias, and assorted other vibrantly colored flowers. Got home, couldn't find the gardening implements. Decided to try using my hands. BEST. DECISION. EVER. It was a hot day, I think 90 degrees, and the earth was warm and just seemed somehow to accept me, during a time when I feel rejection at every turn. Digging the soil and holding it briefly in my hands felt so primal and good. I hadn't done that since I was a child. The earth was lovely and soft and yielding and timeless. I was very gentle with the flowers, so I think they'll survive. It took over two hours to plant all forty-three of them. They are so sweet, so simply moving. Maybe I ought to start taking photos.
Later on today I'm supposed to do a painting, more "life-affirming" stuff, but I fear it will be filled with anguish. I really hope not.