Fic: Allow (Finn/Kurt) NC-17
Title: Allow
Author: hyperemmalawlz
Fandom: Glee
Characters/Pairing: Finn/Kurt
Word Count: 4200
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Finn's got to respond to Kurt's anger, and his reaction, about the fact he could never tell his fellow bullies no when it came to the way they treated Kurt. He needs to figure out how to tell Kurt no.
Spoilers: Up to 1x20, "Theatricality."
Warnings: Sex, slash, SERIOUS dub-con, violence, swearing, discussion of homophobia and bullying.
Author's Notes: Written for this prompt on the glee_kink_meme: "Finn is lounging in his bed one summers night. Kurt comes home super pissed about something and takes it out on Finn. Screaming, yelling, and eventually getting physical by pushing him down on the bed and man-handling him. Finn doesn't want to hurt him by fighting back, so he just tries to hold him back while he abuses him...until Kurt grinds his erection along Finn's hip accidentally. Finn moans and Kurt taking it as an invitation gets on with it. One thing: Finn doesn't get into it until Kurt finally touches his un-clothed penis. (He's still a little reluctant and awkward). Kurt is the definite top though. Request: fingering, possible handcuffs, maybe toys (play with it and tweak however you want as long as you stick to the basics)." I got all angsty and pretentious. *shrug*
Allow
When Kurt gets home, Finn doesn't know what's going on. He looks like he could breathe fire, he's that angry, and Finn starts getting a little worried.
"Hey man, what's up?" Finn asks, sitting up slightly on his bed. "What's wrong? You look..." he trails off and gestures with his hands.
Kurt goes still, and looks at him. "Of course," he says. Then he snorts. "Look at me. The angry fag coming home to his sweet, straight stepbrother. It could be a sitcom."
"We're not technically stepbrothers yet," Finn points out, because he kind of gets all OCD about the distinctions in this family. Then he starts paying attention to the important bit - Kurt would not talk about himself like that, use that word, unless there was something seriously wrong.
"Seriously, Kurt, what's going on? You're starting to scare..." he trails off as he notices something. "Kurt, why is there a bruise on your wrist?" he asks. "Because, I know how crazy your fashion gets and everything, but I think when a shopping trip's causing you, like, injuries, there's a problem."
Finn's trying to make a joke, but when Kurt snorts in response it's not what he was looking for. "I ran into some jocks at the mall," he admits, looking at the floor. Finn flinches.
"Oh man, I'm sorry," Finn says, sitting up further. "Did they - you know - try anything... uh..." Finn suddenly realizes he has no idea what he's asking.
Kurt shrugs. "They just found me, called me a fag. They sort of slammed me against the door by the wrist - hence, the bruises - but then Mercedes showed back up and they ran scared."
Finn finally stands up. "Look, man, I'm really sorry," he says. "What did you say to them?"
"Say? Oh, nothing," Kurt smiles sarcastically, looking like he's on the edge of tears. "I didn't say a thing. I just... let them talk to me that way; like I was worthless, like I deserved..."
Kurt's attitude changes; he starts sounding hurt and self-loathing, so Finn reaches out to pat him on the shoulder comfortingly. Kurt jumps away and Finn pulls back accordingly.
"But I guess you know all about that, right?" he shoots back, and Finn's confused. "Just letting the assholes treat me like I'm disgusting. Yeah, I think you've got some memories there."
Finn flinches. "I'm sorry, about all that," he says. "I mean... yeah. I should never... but whatever; I'm better now."
Kurt looks at him witheringly. "Oh yes, obviously. I mean, that makes it all better, doesn't it?"
"Dude, I didn't say that," Finn says - he kind of wants to say that, even though he knows it's so not true. He totally fucked the Kurt thing up for years - like a decade - by not doing anything, just because it was easier than not fucking it up. The fact he's nice now isn't going to magically undo that. Still, he's trying, and it just seems kind of annoying when that doesn't seem to count for shit. Even though he knows that's so not his call.
It's complicated, okay?
"Why are you bringing up all this now, anyway?" Finn asks. "I mean, it sucks what those douches did - I will punch them, no lie. And I'm sorry about the way I acted around you, letting people treat you like - but I'm not sure what it has to do with-"
Smack!
Okay, Finn wasn't expecting that one.
"Dude, what the hell?" he yells, cradling the side of his face. It's more from shock then pain, but still.
Suddenly, Finn realizes Kurt has tears in his eyes. "Don't tell me what relates to what, Finn," he says, and Finn's never felt like a bigger piece of shit. He sighs and collapses on the bed.
"I'm sorry, man, you're right," he says. "This totally isn't about me. And I really sucked for like, ever, so go - rant."
Kurt snorts. "Cut it out, Finn," he says.
"What?"
"Stop your damn martyr act!" Kurt yells, shoving him by the shoulders. It doesn't do much but knock Finn slightly off-balance - and disturb him a bit.
"Wait, dude, aren't those like, the terrorists?"
Kurt rolls his eyes. "For christ's sake, Finn. I don't care what you're trying and how you've changed. You were still the bastard who watched as those jerks did their best to tear my life apart just for the fun of it; now act like it!"
"Huh?"
"Justify yourself, say I'm overreacting, yell at me back, call me a fag again; just..." Kurt holds his hands up in the air, "...stop playing the good guy."
After that, Kurt seems exhausted with emotion. His shoulders slump and he stares at the floor. Uncertainly, Finn makes his way off the bed again.
"Dude, that's fucked up."
Yeah, that's helpful.
"I'm really sorry I ever let anyone do that shit to you. And I'm really sorry it's getting to you like this. And I'm really sorry that all you can think of when it comes to me and this is how badly I let you down, but - I don't know. I wanna help."
He lays a hand of Kurt's shoulder, and this time Kurt doesn't move away. He doesn't look Finn in the eye, but whatever. Finn lets go of his breath, relieved; he thinks he's defused the situation, and now Kurt can deal with this in a slightly saner way.
Then Kurt punches him in the face.
Ow!
Finn stumbles back to the bed, clutching his nose. "What the fuck?" he yells. Turns out, Kurt's got a hell of a right hook.
"What did I just tell you, Finn?" Kurt asks, somewhat hysterical. He shoves Finn again, and Finn winds up falling back on his bed. "You are not my protectorate here! You had that chance, now act like what you are!"
Kurt winds up on top of him, one knee either side - something at the back of Finn's head is vaguely worried about that, but he more or less thinks that's just the bit of him that is still kind of a homophobic douche. Kurt grabs his wrists and pins them above his head, and just stares.
Finn can't fight him off - well, he can, but he can't. Because it's Kurt, and Finn's usually sort of worried about stepping on him and squashing him to death when they're not fighting. Kurt's tiny.
He'll deal.
"What? Say something, Finn," Kurt says.
"I'm... not sure I can. Nothing that won't make you just hit me again, anyway," he says it with a small smile, as if that will make Kurt take a step back and realize this is fucked up, and out of hand. Because Kurt is really freaking him out now.
It doesn't have the intended effect. "You not going to fight me back, are you?" Kurt asks.
"Nah. I... really don't want to hurt you right now," Finn explains. "Now could you let me up?"
Kurt snorts. "How sweet. Now it matters that I don't get hurt, even if I'm scaring the crap out of you and really, any attack would be obvious self-defense. Let me ask you something, Finn; if I was anyone else right now, would you think twice about punching me to make me stop?"
"I - I-" Finn's pretty not there's not a right answer to that one.
Kurt smirks at him. "Wow, I don't feel othered now."
Finn groans. "Okay, I'm sorry! I don't know what is going on in your brain, and you're freaking the fuck out right now and no, I don't want to make things worse! But I don't know what you want me to say, or do, and I just don't get it, okay?"
Kurt goes quiet. Finn holds his breath. "I don't know either," he mumbles. "Let me find out?"
Finn stares at him for a few moments, and he can't escape the thought that, given everything - what they was talking about before - Finn owes Kurt this. "Alright," Finn says quietly.
Kurt looks down at him, and pulls back. "Are you insane?" he asks. "I am quite obviously losing my mind, and you're just going to let me do whatever to you because of something that hasn't happened in months, when your true flaw was only negligence and not true malice? You are a man more sinned against than sinning, Finn Hudson."
"I... Yeah," Finn really doesn't know what's going on. "I'll let you. I just... I don't know."
Kurt laughs disbelievingly. "What a shock. You need to punish yourself, and want me to do it for you. Did it at no point occur that this is about me, not you?"
Finn groans. "For fuck's sake! Pick one reason to be mad at me already!"
Then Kurt lets go of his wrists and punches him again. "Fuck you!" he screams, and Finn's never heard his voice that raw or hurt. "Does it look like I know what I'm doing?"
Finn doesn't answer. Because Kurt obviously doesn't know what he's doing, but Finn really wants him to. Because he wants to pay his dues and be done with it, but only Kurt can decide what those dues are, and if he doesn't know the whole thing becomes a lot scarier.
Kurt leans forward, and Finn feels something.
That sort of something.
Shit!
Kurt looks down himself, and sees it as if he only just realized. "Wow," he says, before he looks back up at Finn's face. "You know, that was unintentional. I'm such a fucking cliche."
Finn doesn't have a response. His head is more swarmed by panic - because Kurt wanting to beat the shit out of him was one thing, but Kurt wanting to beat the shit out of him and being hard for it is something else entirely. Finn's left with even less of an idea what to do.
It's sort of a reminder, about that one fact they haven't discussed yet: when Finn was screwing Kurt over, Kurt didn't hate him for it. The exact opposite.
"So, what are we going to do now?"
Finn just gapes at him, and Kurt - probably by accident - shuffles his hips. His dick grinds against Finn's thigh, and Finn gives a moan he can't explain.
Kurt jumps back as if Finn's on fire or something. He looked shocked. "You want me," he says.
"...What?"
Kurt laughs. "Look at you. You just moaned, and you're..." he makes a gesture, and Finn looks down to realize he's just as hard as Kurt is.
Shit!
"Dude, I-"
"You hypocrite," Kurt cuts him off. "Is that it? Why you never stood up for me? That you were so scared there'd be something more to it and you'd..."
Kurt trails off, and Finn thinks he sounds like he's following some kind of fucked-up script; like that's the theory he's meant to have, but he doesn't actually believe it. Then again, that might be Finn's brain trying desperately to deny it, despite the very obvious fact he's hard for Kurt.
"Fine," says Kurt, snapping Finn out of his thought process. "If you want me, you can have it. Is this why you've been so fucking cooperative about me acting insane? Did it turn you on; having me push you to the bed and tell you how worthless you are?"
"I-" Then Kurt's attacking his fly, and Finn needs to do something. "No, Kurt, wait-"
Kurt doesn't. He pulls down the zip, and starts struggling to get Finn's pants off. "Let me, Finn," he says.
And this is where Finn should put a stop to it. He should tell Kurt this has gotten entirely out of hand, and he needs to stop it, now, before he doesn't something to Finn he'll regret. Because Finn doesn't want it, even though his body is telling him otherwise, and he needs to say that now before he lets things get even worse than he has in the past.
But he doesn't, because it's all about that idea - letting things happen. Finn's always been good at that, after all, and this is what Kurt wants - or needs; Finn's not really sure - to do. Really, given how he got himself into this situation, Finn doesn't think he can tell Kurt what he should and shouldn't be able to do.
And maybe, just maybe, Finn doesn't really know how to tell people to stop.
Finn obediently raises his hips. Kurt looks at him disbelievingly, but slides the jeans and boxers off. The cool air hits like a bullet to the head.
He is so fucked.
Probably in a literal sense.
Then Kurt's hand brushes over Finn's dick, and suddenly - oh.
Oh.
That actually felt good. Finn's cock jumps a little.
Well, duh; he's a sixteen year old dude, a hand on his dick is going to feel good. That's not the point. Finn doesn't think he wants it to feel good - he's freaked out enough already. If he likes it, it changes things, and he doesn't even want to think about what that means. If this is just Kurt punishing him - which Finn kind of thinks it is - then Finn shouldn't like it; it ruins everything.
"What are you doing, Finn?" Kurt asks, and before Finn can even think of an answer, or wonder if Kurt just noticed his reaction, Kurt's got one finger to Finn's asshole, poking and prodding roughly. Finn flinches in pain.
"Kurt, ow!"
Kurt slips just the very tip off his finger in, and Finn's body bucks in pain. "Shit!" he yells. Maybe this doesn't look like a reaction to pain, but it hurts.
Kurt pushes a little further, and watches Finn's face scrunched up before he pulls back. "I need lubrication, don't I?" he asks in a monotone.
Finn vaguely understands what he's on about. "Yeah," he mutters, looking up at the ceiling. He didn't know it would hurt like that.
"Finn? Look at me," says Kurt. Finn does so. "Stay," Kurt says, before climbing up and off him. Their eyes meet for a long moment, as Kurt stands at the side of the bed and Finn lies on it. "Stay," Kurt repeats himself. Then he's gone, leaving Finn alone with his own thoughts and entirely inappropriate hard-on.
He's obeying, but he thinks he shouldn't. This is where he should walk away, and point out that this is unbelievably fucked up right now. He knows what this is: Kurt testing whether or not he can trust Finn, and that's Finn submitting to punishment. But Finn's really not sure he deserves to be punished like this, if he doesn't like it.
But he can't shake the thought he does like it on some level; the level that make his cock jump with Kurt's hand on it, and right now he does kind of want to jerk off.
He's so screwed.
After what feels like an eternity, Kurt comes back. He's holding the bottle of lube with one hand, and appears to be holding something else behind his back. Kurt drops it by the side of the bed before Finn gets the chance to see what it is.
Kurt sits down next to Finn, gently placing the lube next to him. "You stayed," he says.
Finn's mouth goes dry. "Yeah," he says.
"You're pathetic."
Finn winces at the insult. Where did that come from? He can't put his thoughts into words, and before he thinks of anything Kurt's got a hand wrapped around his cock, stroking him slow and steady.
And it's good.
Kurt's thumb plays with the slit, sliding pre-cum over him and making things go a bit smoother. It's still rougher than it should be, but Finn can't help but like it anyway, and that disturbs him.
Kurt brings his other hand up and starts playing with Finn's balls, and Finn can't help it. He moans loudly and bucks his hips.
He liked that, dammit.
Kurt laughs at him disbelievingly. "Look at you, Finn. For all the straight bravado I've seen; all the time I spent feeling horrible and guilty for..."
He trails off and Finn bites his lip. Kurt reaches for the bottle of lube, snapping it open, and Finn's eyes go almost comically wide.
He watches Kurt coat his fingers with the slick substance, and that's it. If he doesn't stop this now, he doesn't think it can be stopped, and he should want it to be but some part of him just doesn't.
So he does what he's best at - he just lets it happen.
Kurt pushes a finger into Finn without much mercy, and Finn winces. "Ow," he whimpers. Still, it's not as bad as it was before, and Kurt's finger is slick enough to keeping going in. Finn finds the pressure isn't that bad; the sensation is kind of nice. Then Kurt crooks his finger some way that changes it; he finds something that pushes it from 'nice' to 'wow', even if it shouldn't be.
"Fuck!" Finn cries.
"You okay?" Kurt asks, and the darker - angrier - part of Finn's brain finds it annoying he's asking that now.
"Yeah," Finn says. "That felt... oh it was... I liked it," he admits, blushing in shame.
"Wonder of the prostate," Kurt mutters, before he jams his fingers against it harder. Finn gasps and grabs onto Kurt's shoulder.
Kurt immediately shakes him off. "Don't touch me!" he barks, and he looks furious. Finn looks him in the eye, and can't help but think he just reminded Kurt of how easily the guys used to hoist him by the shoulders and the ankles and throw him the dumpster like he was just trash. The guilt for liking this in any way returns.
Kurt glares at him before he pulls his fingers out (and Finn can't help but feel a little disappointed, even though he shouldn't be). Then Kurt leans to the side of the bed and pulls up handcuffs.
Honest to god. Fucking handcuffs.
Kurt is going to handcuff him.
Why does Kurt even have handcuffs?
"Put your arms back up, Finn," Kurt says, dark and low. Finn obeys. Kurt clasps the cuffs around his wrists, one after the after. Finn shivers a little at the feeling of cold metal - flimsy, like aluminum or something, but still - against his wrists. It's dark and dangerous and-
-a little hot.
Fuck.
Kurt returns his hands to Finn's ass, pushing the finger back in. Finn sighs in relief, even though he shouldn't. Kurt finds that spot again, and Finn reacts like usual, bucking up and crying out. "Ah!" he pulls against the cuffs, but they hold him back. Well, duh, they're handcuffs.
Kurt suddenly puts a second one in, and Finn likes that. Kurt notices and smirks at him as he wriggles his fingers, making Finn squirm. He tugs against the cuffs some more against his will, because that's sort of starting to make his wrists sore.
Then Kurt adds a third one, and that makes Finn thrust back against his hand, gasping as Kurt dances around his prostate. "Fuck," he moans, clenching his fists above his head.
For a little while, Kurt just stays like that, staring while he fingers Finn's ass. "I should fuck you now," he eventually says, sounding like a little kid really unsure about what the answer to a question is.
Kurt pushes a little harder, and Finn moans again. "You want me to fuck you now," Kurt says, accusing, and it's true.
Finn knows it shouldn't be anyway.
Kurt pulls his fingers out, and reaches for his own pants to take them off. They fall down easily, and Kurt actually bothers undoing his shirt button by button. Finn's a little annoyed by his slowness, and he realizes he's still wearing his shirt.
Still, he can't really get it off now, when he's handcuffed to the bed.
Kurt's completely naked, and he kneels with a knee either side of Finn again, adjusting himself until he's pressed against Finn's rim. Finn stares up at the ceiling, because... he's internally freaking out, and Kurt is about to properly fuck him, and that's worthy of freaking out over.
"Finn. Look at me," Kurt says, dragging Finn's head back down with one hand. "Look what you're doing. What I'm doing. What is happening. What you're letting me do," he says. "You're letting the resident fag fuck you; if you ever let those bastards hurt me over my sexuality again, you'll have to remember you are no better."
And that's when he thrusts, plunging into Finn's ass and making him gasp. It hurts again, even with the fingering - this is bigger, stronger, and Finn's not sure he can handle it. But it's something about that feeling - that fullness - that makes him want to.
And when Kurt bottoms out, head of his cock hitting that spot-
Fuck.
Finn gasps, and pulls against the cuffs. "Kurt," he whispers, "Move."
It doesn't work. Kurt stares at him, perfectly still. "Why are you giving me orders?" he asks.
Shit.
"I'm sorry," Finn whispers. "Please."
Kurt takes mercy, thrusting inside him deeply. Finn moans, and Kurt does it again, setting up a quick rhythm that makes Finn gasp and tug against the handcuffs.
And it's good; good where it shouldn't be. Finn feels tears prickling the backs of his eyes, and he isn't even sure why - there's just the sensation that this is wrong, and that the fact he likes this is against the whole point. And he feels guilty again. He wants to make things better, but he has no idea how.
Kurt closes his eyes and leans back, as if he wants to get as far away from Finn as possible while still fucking him. Finn doesn't blame him for it. "This is your fault," Kurt mutters, and-
Finn's orgasm hits right the fuck out of nowhere, making him cry out and almost pull the cuffs off the bed - he manages to seriously dent them. It's good, but it's wrong, and the static orgasm noise that fills his head makes him wince.
It doesn't take long until Kurt does the same, and Finn's a little surprised at the feeling of Kurt's come inside him; warm and wet. He thinks he kind of likes it, but... it's weird.
Kurt pulls out, rolls off him and onto his side without a word. Finn wants to ask Kurt to undo the cuffs now, but he doesn't. It doesn't take him long to realize that Kurt is shaking - sobbing - into the pillow.
"Kurt, hey," he says, facing Kurt's direction as best he can when he's still tied up. "Are you okay?" okay, dumb question. "Oh man, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten into it like that - I mean, you were trying to work out your issues and I was such a dick to get off on it and-"
"For god's sake, Finn, stop!" Kurt yells, turning back towards him. "I mean, I borderline just raped you and you're apologizing?"
"What?" Finn asks. "No. I mean... I liked it," he admit bashfully.
"I noticed, but..." Kurt wipes at his tears. "I should never have done that. I was so out of line I probably was in a different continent than the line. What happened today wasn't anything to do with you; I shouldn't have connected them, and even if it was your fault this wouldn't have been-"
"Kurt. It's okay," Finn says. "I mean, you had a point, kinda - I was a total dick to you for years, just because I thought it was too hard to stand up for you and... I'm sorry."
Kurt gapes at him. "Finn," he says. "No, you shouldn't let people hurt me. But you shouldn't let anyone, including me, hurt you. Has no-one taught you how to say 'no', or 'stop'?"
Finn shrugs uncomfortably - what Kurt says just makes him feel guilty. "It didn't hurt. All's well that ends well. Please stop freaking Kurt; you're making me feel bad that you feel guilty."
"...Are you even going to ask me to undo the cuffs?" Kurt asks, his voice sounding broken. Finn blinks.
"Uh..."
Kurt grabs a key from the bedside table and releases Finn's hands. Both boys stare at the skin on his wrists, red and worn.
Author: hyperemmalawlz
Fandom: Glee
Characters/Pairing: Finn/Kurt
Word Count: 4200
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Finn's got to respond to Kurt's anger, and his reaction, about the fact he could never tell his fellow bullies no when it came to the way they treated Kurt. He needs to figure out how to tell Kurt no.
Spoilers: Up to 1x20, "Theatricality."
Warnings: Sex, slash, SERIOUS dub-con, violence, swearing, discussion of homophobia and bullying.
Author's Notes: Written for this prompt on the glee_kink_meme: "Finn is lounging in his bed one summers night. Kurt comes home super pissed about something and takes it out on Finn. Screaming, yelling, and eventually getting physical by pushing him down on the bed and man-handling him. Finn doesn't want to hurt him by fighting back, so he just tries to hold him back while he abuses him...until Kurt grinds his erection along Finn's hip accidentally. Finn moans and Kurt taking it as an invitation gets on with it. One thing: Finn doesn't get into it until Kurt finally touches his un-clothed penis. (He's still a little reluctant and awkward). Kurt is the definite top though. Request: fingering, possible handcuffs, maybe toys (play with it and tweak however you want as long as you stick to the basics)." I got all angsty and pretentious. *shrug*
Allow
When Kurt gets home, Finn doesn't know what's going on. He looks like he could breathe fire, he's that angry, and Finn starts getting a little worried.
"Hey man, what's up?" Finn asks, sitting up slightly on his bed. "What's wrong? You look..." he trails off and gestures with his hands.
Kurt goes still, and looks at him. "Of course," he says. Then he snorts. "Look at me. The angry fag coming home to his sweet, straight stepbrother. It could be a sitcom."
"We're not technically stepbrothers yet," Finn points out, because he kind of gets all OCD about the distinctions in this family. Then he starts paying attention to the important bit - Kurt would not talk about himself like that, use that word, unless there was something seriously wrong.
"Seriously, Kurt, what's going on? You're starting to scare..." he trails off as he notices something. "Kurt, why is there a bruise on your wrist?" he asks. "Because, I know how crazy your fashion gets and everything, but I think when a shopping trip's causing you, like, injuries, there's a problem."
Finn's trying to make a joke, but when Kurt snorts in response it's not what he was looking for. "I ran into some jocks at the mall," he admits, looking at the floor. Finn flinches.
"Oh man, I'm sorry," Finn says, sitting up further. "Did they - you know - try anything... uh..." Finn suddenly realizes he has no idea what he's asking.
Kurt shrugs. "They just found me, called me a fag. They sort of slammed me against the door by the wrist - hence, the bruises - but then Mercedes showed back up and they ran scared."
Finn finally stands up. "Look, man, I'm really sorry," he says. "What did you say to them?"
"Say? Oh, nothing," Kurt smiles sarcastically, looking like he's on the edge of tears. "I didn't say a thing. I just... let them talk to me that way; like I was worthless, like I deserved..."
Kurt's attitude changes; he starts sounding hurt and self-loathing, so Finn reaches out to pat him on the shoulder comfortingly. Kurt jumps away and Finn pulls back accordingly.
"But I guess you know all about that, right?" he shoots back, and Finn's confused. "Just letting the assholes treat me like I'm disgusting. Yeah, I think you've got some memories there."
Finn flinches. "I'm sorry, about all that," he says. "I mean... yeah. I should never... but whatever; I'm better now."
Kurt looks at him witheringly. "Oh yes, obviously. I mean, that makes it all better, doesn't it?"
"Dude, I didn't say that," Finn says - he kind of wants to say that, even though he knows it's so not true. He totally fucked the Kurt thing up for years - like a decade - by not doing anything, just because it was easier than not fucking it up. The fact he's nice now isn't going to magically undo that. Still, he's trying, and it just seems kind of annoying when that doesn't seem to count for shit. Even though he knows that's so not his call.
It's complicated, okay?
"Why are you bringing up all this now, anyway?" Finn asks. "I mean, it sucks what those douches did - I will punch them, no lie. And I'm sorry about the way I acted around you, letting people treat you like - but I'm not sure what it has to do with-"
Smack!
Okay, Finn wasn't expecting that one.
"Dude, what the hell?" he yells, cradling the side of his face. It's more from shock then pain, but still.
Suddenly, Finn realizes Kurt has tears in his eyes. "Don't tell me what relates to what, Finn," he says, and Finn's never felt like a bigger piece of shit. He sighs and collapses on the bed.
"I'm sorry, man, you're right," he says. "This totally isn't about me. And I really sucked for like, ever, so go - rant."
Kurt snorts. "Cut it out, Finn," he says.
"What?"
"Stop your damn martyr act!" Kurt yells, shoving him by the shoulders. It doesn't do much but knock Finn slightly off-balance - and disturb him a bit.
"Wait, dude, aren't those like, the terrorists?"
Kurt rolls his eyes. "For christ's sake, Finn. I don't care what you're trying and how you've changed. You were still the bastard who watched as those jerks did their best to tear my life apart just for the fun of it; now act like it!"
"Huh?"
"Justify yourself, say I'm overreacting, yell at me back, call me a fag again; just..." Kurt holds his hands up in the air, "...stop playing the good guy."
After that, Kurt seems exhausted with emotion. His shoulders slump and he stares at the floor. Uncertainly, Finn makes his way off the bed again.
"Dude, that's fucked up."
Yeah, that's helpful.
"I'm really sorry I ever let anyone do that shit to you. And I'm really sorry it's getting to you like this. And I'm really sorry that all you can think of when it comes to me and this is how badly I let you down, but - I don't know. I wanna help."
He lays a hand of Kurt's shoulder, and this time Kurt doesn't move away. He doesn't look Finn in the eye, but whatever. Finn lets go of his breath, relieved; he thinks he's defused the situation, and now Kurt can deal with this in a slightly saner way.
Then Kurt punches him in the face.
Ow!
Finn stumbles back to the bed, clutching his nose. "What the fuck?" he yells. Turns out, Kurt's got a hell of a right hook.
"What did I just tell you, Finn?" Kurt asks, somewhat hysterical. He shoves Finn again, and Finn winds up falling back on his bed. "You are not my protectorate here! You had that chance, now act like what you are!"
Kurt winds up on top of him, one knee either side - something at the back of Finn's head is vaguely worried about that, but he more or less thinks that's just the bit of him that is still kind of a homophobic douche. Kurt grabs his wrists and pins them above his head, and just stares.
Finn can't fight him off - well, he can, but he can't. Because it's Kurt, and Finn's usually sort of worried about stepping on him and squashing him to death when they're not fighting. Kurt's tiny.
He'll deal.
"What? Say something, Finn," Kurt says.
"I'm... not sure I can. Nothing that won't make you just hit me again, anyway," he says it with a small smile, as if that will make Kurt take a step back and realize this is fucked up, and out of hand. Because Kurt is really freaking him out now.
It doesn't have the intended effect. "You not going to fight me back, are you?" Kurt asks.
"Nah. I... really don't want to hurt you right now," Finn explains. "Now could you let me up?"
Kurt snorts. "How sweet. Now it matters that I don't get hurt, even if I'm scaring the crap out of you and really, any attack would be obvious self-defense. Let me ask you something, Finn; if I was anyone else right now, would you think twice about punching me to make me stop?"
"I - I-" Finn's pretty not there's not a right answer to that one.
Kurt smirks at him. "Wow, I don't feel othered now."
Finn groans. "Okay, I'm sorry! I don't know what is going on in your brain, and you're freaking the fuck out right now and no, I don't want to make things worse! But I don't know what you want me to say, or do, and I just don't get it, okay?"
Kurt goes quiet. Finn holds his breath. "I don't know either," he mumbles. "Let me find out?"
Finn stares at him for a few moments, and he can't escape the thought that, given everything - what they was talking about before - Finn owes Kurt this. "Alright," Finn says quietly.
Kurt looks down at him, and pulls back. "Are you insane?" he asks. "I am quite obviously losing my mind, and you're just going to let me do whatever to you because of something that hasn't happened in months, when your true flaw was only negligence and not true malice? You are a man more sinned against than sinning, Finn Hudson."
"I... Yeah," Finn really doesn't know what's going on. "I'll let you. I just... I don't know."
Kurt laughs disbelievingly. "What a shock. You need to punish yourself, and want me to do it for you. Did it at no point occur that this is about me, not you?"
Finn groans. "For fuck's sake! Pick one reason to be mad at me already!"
Then Kurt lets go of his wrists and punches him again. "Fuck you!" he screams, and Finn's never heard his voice that raw or hurt. "Does it look like I know what I'm doing?"
Finn doesn't answer. Because Kurt obviously doesn't know what he's doing, but Finn really wants him to. Because he wants to pay his dues and be done with it, but only Kurt can decide what those dues are, and if he doesn't know the whole thing becomes a lot scarier.
Kurt leans forward, and Finn feels something.
That sort of something.
Shit!
Kurt looks down himself, and sees it as if he only just realized. "Wow," he says, before he looks back up at Finn's face. "You know, that was unintentional. I'm such a fucking cliche."
Finn doesn't have a response. His head is more swarmed by panic - because Kurt wanting to beat the shit out of him was one thing, but Kurt wanting to beat the shit out of him and being hard for it is something else entirely. Finn's left with even less of an idea what to do.
It's sort of a reminder, about that one fact they haven't discussed yet: when Finn was screwing Kurt over, Kurt didn't hate him for it. The exact opposite.
"So, what are we going to do now?"
Finn just gapes at him, and Kurt - probably by accident - shuffles his hips. His dick grinds against Finn's thigh, and Finn gives a moan he can't explain.
Kurt jumps back as if Finn's on fire or something. He looked shocked. "You want me," he says.
"...What?"
Kurt laughs. "Look at you. You just moaned, and you're..." he makes a gesture, and Finn looks down to realize he's just as hard as Kurt is.
Shit!
"Dude, I-"
"You hypocrite," Kurt cuts him off. "Is that it? Why you never stood up for me? That you were so scared there'd be something more to it and you'd..."
Kurt trails off, and Finn thinks he sounds like he's following some kind of fucked-up script; like that's the theory he's meant to have, but he doesn't actually believe it. Then again, that might be Finn's brain trying desperately to deny it, despite the very obvious fact he's hard for Kurt.
"Fine," says Kurt, snapping Finn out of his thought process. "If you want me, you can have it. Is this why you've been so fucking cooperative about me acting insane? Did it turn you on; having me push you to the bed and tell you how worthless you are?"
"I-" Then Kurt's attacking his fly, and Finn needs to do something. "No, Kurt, wait-"
Kurt doesn't. He pulls down the zip, and starts struggling to get Finn's pants off. "Let me, Finn," he says.
And this is where Finn should put a stop to it. He should tell Kurt this has gotten entirely out of hand, and he needs to stop it, now, before he doesn't something to Finn he'll regret. Because Finn doesn't want it, even though his body is telling him otherwise, and he needs to say that now before he lets things get even worse than he has in the past.
But he doesn't, because it's all about that idea - letting things happen. Finn's always been good at that, after all, and this is what Kurt wants - or needs; Finn's not really sure - to do. Really, given how he got himself into this situation, Finn doesn't think he can tell Kurt what he should and shouldn't be able to do.
And maybe, just maybe, Finn doesn't really know how to tell people to stop.
Finn obediently raises his hips. Kurt looks at him disbelievingly, but slides the jeans and boxers off. The cool air hits like a bullet to the head.
He is so fucked.
Probably in a literal sense.
Then Kurt's hand brushes over Finn's dick, and suddenly - oh.
Oh.
That actually felt good. Finn's cock jumps a little.
Well, duh; he's a sixteen year old dude, a hand on his dick is going to feel good. That's not the point. Finn doesn't think he wants it to feel good - he's freaked out enough already. If he likes it, it changes things, and he doesn't even want to think about what that means. If this is just Kurt punishing him - which Finn kind of thinks it is - then Finn shouldn't like it; it ruins everything.
"What are you doing, Finn?" Kurt asks, and before Finn can even think of an answer, or wonder if Kurt just noticed his reaction, Kurt's got one finger to Finn's asshole, poking and prodding roughly. Finn flinches in pain.
"Kurt, ow!"
Kurt slips just the very tip off his finger in, and Finn's body bucks in pain. "Shit!" he yells. Maybe this doesn't look like a reaction to pain, but it hurts.
Kurt pushes a little further, and watches Finn's face scrunched up before he pulls back. "I need lubrication, don't I?" he asks in a monotone.
Finn vaguely understands what he's on about. "Yeah," he mutters, looking up at the ceiling. He didn't know it would hurt like that.
"Finn? Look at me," says Kurt. Finn does so. "Stay," Kurt says, before climbing up and off him. Their eyes meet for a long moment, as Kurt stands at the side of the bed and Finn lies on it. "Stay," Kurt repeats himself. Then he's gone, leaving Finn alone with his own thoughts and entirely inappropriate hard-on.
He's obeying, but he thinks he shouldn't. This is where he should walk away, and point out that this is unbelievably fucked up right now. He knows what this is: Kurt testing whether or not he can trust Finn, and that's Finn submitting to punishment. But Finn's really not sure he deserves to be punished like this, if he doesn't like it.
But he can't shake the thought he does like it on some level; the level that make his cock jump with Kurt's hand on it, and right now he does kind of want to jerk off.
He's so screwed.
After what feels like an eternity, Kurt comes back. He's holding the bottle of lube with one hand, and appears to be holding something else behind his back. Kurt drops it by the side of the bed before Finn gets the chance to see what it is.
Kurt sits down next to Finn, gently placing the lube next to him. "You stayed," he says.
Finn's mouth goes dry. "Yeah," he says.
"You're pathetic."
Finn winces at the insult. Where did that come from? He can't put his thoughts into words, and before he thinks of anything Kurt's got a hand wrapped around his cock, stroking him slow and steady.
And it's good.
Kurt's thumb plays with the slit, sliding pre-cum over him and making things go a bit smoother. It's still rougher than it should be, but Finn can't help but like it anyway, and that disturbs him.
Kurt brings his other hand up and starts playing with Finn's balls, and Finn can't help it. He moans loudly and bucks his hips.
He liked that, dammit.
Kurt laughs at him disbelievingly. "Look at you, Finn. For all the straight bravado I've seen; all the time I spent feeling horrible and guilty for..."
He trails off and Finn bites his lip. Kurt reaches for the bottle of lube, snapping it open, and Finn's eyes go almost comically wide.
He watches Kurt coat his fingers with the slick substance, and that's it. If he doesn't stop this now, he doesn't think it can be stopped, and he should want it to be but some part of him just doesn't.
So he does what he's best at - he just lets it happen.
Kurt pushes a finger into Finn without much mercy, and Finn winces. "Ow," he whimpers. Still, it's not as bad as it was before, and Kurt's finger is slick enough to keeping going in. Finn finds the pressure isn't that bad; the sensation is kind of nice. Then Kurt crooks his finger some way that changes it; he finds something that pushes it from 'nice' to 'wow', even if it shouldn't be.
"Fuck!" Finn cries.
"You okay?" Kurt asks, and the darker - angrier - part of Finn's brain finds it annoying he's asking that now.
"Yeah," Finn says. "That felt... oh it was... I liked it," he admits, blushing in shame.
"Wonder of the prostate," Kurt mutters, before he jams his fingers against it harder. Finn gasps and grabs onto Kurt's shoulder.
Kurt immediately shakes him off. "Don't touch me!" he barks, and he looks furious. Finn looks him in the eye, and can't help but think he just reminded Kurt of how easily the guys used to hoist him by the shoulders and the ankles and throw him the dumpster like he was just trash. The guilt for liking this in any way returns.
Kurt glares at him before he pulls his fingers out (and Finn can't help but feel a little disappointed, even though he shouldn't be). Then Kurt leans to the side of the bed and pulls up handcuffs.
Honest to god. Fucking handcuffs.
Kurt is going to handcuff him.
Why does Kurt even have handcuffs?
"Put your arms back up, Finn," Kurt says, dark and low. Finn obeys. Kurt clasps the cuffs around his wrists, one after the after. Finn shivers a little at the feeling of cold metal - flimsy, like aluminum or something, but still - against his wrists. It's dark and dangerous and-
-a little hot.
Fuck.
Kurt returns his hands to Finn's ass, pushing the finger back in. Finn sighs in relief, even though he shouldn't. Kurt finds that spot again, and Finn reacts like usual, bucking up and crying out. "Ah!" he pulls against the cuffs, but they hold him back. Well, duh, they're handcuffs.
Kurt suddenly puts a second one in, and Finn likes that. Kurt notices and smirks at him as he wriggles his fingers, making Finn squirm. He tugs against the cuffs some more against his will, because that's sort of starting to make his wrists sore.
Then Kurt adds a third one, and that makes Finn thrust back against his hand, gasping as Kurt dances around his prostate. "Fuck," he moans, clenching his fists above his head.
For a little while, Kurt just stays like that, staring while he fingers Finn's ass. "I should fuck you now," he eventually says, sounding like a little kid really unsure about what the answer to a question is.
Kurt pushes a little harder, and Finn moans again. "You want me to fuck you now," Kurt says, accusing, and it's true.
Finn knows it shouldn't be anyway.
Kurt pulls his fingers out, and reaches for his own pants to take them off. They fall down easily, and Kurt actually bothers undoing his shirt button by button. Finn's a little annoyed by his slowness, and he realizes he's still wearing his shirt.
Still, he can't really get it off now, when he's handcuffed to the bed.
Kurt's completely naked, and he kneels with a knee either side of Finn again, adjusting himself until he's pressed against Finn's rim. Finn stares up at the ceiling, because... he's internally freaking out, and Kurt is about to properly fuck him, and that's worthy of freaking out over.
"Finn. Look at me," Kurt says, dragging Finn's head back down with one hand. "Look what you're doing. What I'm doing. What is happening. What you're letting me do," he says. "You're letting the resident fag fuck you; if you ever let those bastards hurt me over my sexuality again, you'll have to remember you are no better."
And that's when he thrusts, plunging into Finn's ass and making him gasp. It hurts again, even with the fingering - this is bigger, stronger, and Finn's not sure he can handle it. But it's something about that feeling - that fullness - that makes him want to.
And when Kurt bottoms out, head of his cock hitting that spot-
Fuck.
Finn gasps, and pulls against the cuffs. "Kurt," he whispers, "Move."
It doesn't work. Kurt stares at him, perfectly still. "Why are you giving me orders?" he asks.
Shit.
"I'm sorry," Finn whispers. "Please."
Kurt takes mercy, thrusting inside him deeply. Finn moans, and Kurt does it again, setting up a quick rhythm that makes Finn gasp and tug against the handcuffs.
And it's good; good where it shouldn't be. Finn feels tears prickling the backs of his eyes, and he isn't even sure why - there's just the sensation that this is wrong, and that the fact he likes this is against the whole point. And he feels guilty again. He wants to make things better, but he has no idea how.
Kurt closes his eyes and leans back, as if he wants to get as far away from Finn as possible while still fucking him. Finn doesn't blame him for it. "This is your fault," Kurt mutters, and-
Finn's orgasm hits right the fuck out of nowhere, making him cry out and almost pull the cuffs off the bed - he manages to seriously dent them. It's good, but it's wrong, and the static orgasm noise that fills his head makes him wince.
It doesn't take long until Kurt does the same, and Finn's a little surprised at the feeling of Kurt's come inside him; warm and wet. He thinks he kind of likes it, but... it's weird.
Kurt pulls out, rolls off him and onto his side without a word. Finn wants to ask Kurt to undo the cuffs now, but he doesn't. It doesn't take him long to realize that Kurt is shaking - sobbing - into the pillow.
"Kurt, hey," he says, facing Kurt's direction as best he can when he's still tied up. "Are you okay?" okay, dumb question. "Oh man, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten into it like that - I mean, you were trying to work out your issues and I was such a dick to get off on it and-"
"For god's sake, Finn, stop!" Kurt yells, turning back towards him. "I mean, I borderline just raped you and you're apologizing?"
"What?" Finn asks. "No. I mean... I liked it," he admit bashfully.
"I noticed, but..." Kurt wipes at his tears. "I should never have done that. I was so out of line I probably was in a different continent than the line. What happened today wasn't anything to do with you; I shouldn't have connected them, and even if it was your fault this wouldn't have been-"
"Kurt. It's okay," Finn says. "I mean, you had a point, kinda - I was a total dick to you for years, just because I thought it was too hard to stand up for you and... I'm sorry."
Kurt gapes at him. "Finn," he says. "No, you shouldn't let people hurt me. But you shouldn't let anyone, including me, hurt you. Has no-one taught you how to say 'no', or 'stop'?"
Finn shrugs uncomfortably - what Kurt says just makes him feel guilty. "It didn't hurt. All's well that ends well. Please stop freaking Kurt; you're making me feel bad that you feel guilty."
"...Are you even going to ask me to undo the cuffs?" Kurt asks, his voice sounding broken. Finn blinks.
"Uh..."
Kurt grabs a key from the bedside table and releases Finn's hands. Both boys stare at the skin on his wrists, red and worn.