Fic: Birthday Letters (Cassidy, Lilly, Veronica) (6/11) R
Title: Birthday Letters
Chapter: 6/11 - "Fever"
Author: hyperemmalawlz
Pairing/Character: Cassidy, Lilly, Veronica, ensemble. Cassidy/Lilly and Logan/Cassidy.
Word Count: 1119 (for this chapter).
Rating: R
Summary: In one world, he found Lilly Kane on the white bedspread. In the other, Veronica Mars was left on it for him. In both, everything slowly started crashing down.
Spoilers: (eventually) Up to 3x09, "Spit and Eggs.
Warnings: Swearing, sexuality, het, slash, talk of rape and molestation.
Author's Notes: One of those fics you really have to explain the premise of. One storyline occurs in canon, one occurs in my old fanfic, "Compare and Contrast." This will probably make more sense if you've read that. The title is from a book of poems by Ted Hughes, and each section is titled by a line from one of the poems in that book. Each chapter is titled after the poem from which those sections' two lines come from.
6. The stone man made soup
Lilly is standing in front of his locker and staring straight at him, talking about Logan. He can't help but blush. He avoids the question - even if Logan now knows the vice versa, he wants to keep them as apart in possible in his mind. He doesn't even know why. Lilly stares him down and says something about him being Logan's 'alibi'. There is a hitch in her voice, no matter how casual she tries to sound, as if there are tears strangled behind there.
So he admits it - for Logan's sake, if nothing else. He asks why, and she confesses: Veronica, September 27th, the rape.
All the wind is knocked out of him and replace by an intangible rage, when he realizes how very stupid Lilly is. He didn't know Veronica Mars very well, but he knows this of her and knows without a doubt that he needs to protect her now - stupid, curious, selfish Lilly, looking for an answer she does not deserve. That secret was Veronica's alone, and it sickens him to think he knows it now.
“What the hell do you think you're doing?” he hisses at Lilly as he grabs her wrist, struck by the urge to just twist until he hears the satisfying crack of her bone breaking. He doesn't; just watches as she flinches in pain, offering excuses. He can see in her eyes how thoroughly she believes them; how thoroughly she thinks she's doing the right thing and all his guts twist up.
He remembers who she is, and forces himself to think of her as her image, just for a second - Lilly Kane, selfish and cruel. He tries to keep that in his mind as he runs away from her, and winds up in the boy's bathroom punching the mirror. As he watches the blood drip down his hand, it's sickening scent reaches his nostrils and the vulture-Lilly he's trying to hold onto starts to fade away.
A few days pass, and he's pretty much on autopilot from when Dick comes to him - Lilly said there was something wrong. He feels like the boundaries of his life are blurring, letting sickening things into what is still left, and it's all her fault.
When he drags her into that room, it strikes him as funny how different this is to last time he was alone with her. He doesn't even know what he wants this time, but sex has nothing to do with it - he wants to shut her up. He wants to hurt her in revenge. He wants to heal her so she can live by a rule other than Veronica's (and his) secret pain.
He focuses on the first one.
He says he's fine, and knows how delusional he sounds. She says he's not, and offers her help up on a silver platter - he hates how hard it is to resist that. She lists how broken he is, why she says so, and it feels like a taunt - he needs to stop her talking like that, then it's all a flurry of movement until a thwap sounds from what seems like far away, and she falls to the floor at his hand.
Her face hardens, and she more or less dismisses it as anything other than proof of what a hopeless fuck-up he is. He realizes he can't hurt her; he's simply not strong enough, not good enough for that. He runs.
He likes the noise of the highway; easy to lose his thoughts in. It doesn't take much effort to step out into the oncoming traffic - there's suddenly the sound of carn horns, a blow and sudden pain, and things go dark. As he feels it ending, he hears Veronica telling him it's okay.
6. The burning woman drank it
He doesn't want to look her in the eye - she's wearing that trademark sardonic smile he carved for her; the one he used to find so appealing, but now just makes his stomach churn. She calls him lover - he doesn't know what to think of that. Her feels the effort of keeping that smile in place radiating off her in waves, and it must hurt - he half wants to confess, just so she can let that aching lie-smile down.
He mutters “Nothing happened.” He tries to walk away, as he had right after - ran out of that room with the last traces of his body still on (in) her, as if he hadn't done a thing. She doesn't let his this time, however.
The smile falls and it's a relief. She says she remembers the morning after, if not the details, and her jaw is clenching and unclenching with the effort it takes to keep from screaming. It makes him wince. He liked admiring how he broke her from a distance, but hearing her avoid the exact word plants something dark and sick in his stomach, like a tumor he can't cut out.
He forces himself to fill with anger and envy - he remembers details. She doesn't. She has no right to pretend she's like him. He holds onto those factors, long enough to look her in the eye, and point blank lie that he never touched her. Long enough to see the belief register in her eyes.
She walks off with a punch to his arm, and he exhales in relief. Logistically, there are still a million ways this can go wrong - he's not invincible, and she's meant to be smart - but somehow, he just knows it's over. She never mentions it again.
He reads in the newspaper about Abel Koontz, and thinks of Logan. It was always too much of a coincidence, how he came back just in time for Lilly's death. Given everything, Cassidy's not sure how much right he has to care, and even how much he does. But he chooses to react in the token 'Beaver' way, affirming Veronica's faith in him, and maybe making Logan Echolls something else he can rule.
He watches her eyes go dark as he tells her what he knows - grief for Lilly and Logan, nothing more. She does not flinch to receive this information from him. He is struck by an urge to scream and confess; to offer his rule, or to beg for her forgiveness. But he doesn't really want to and her silent panic isn't leaving him the room to anyway. Despite what she feels, he see an underlying layer of fine in her. He realizes he can't break her, and it hurts. He guesses:
Maybe it doesn't really matter.
Chapter: 6/11 - "Fever"
Author: hyperemmalawlz
Pairing/Character: Cassidy, Lilly, Veronica, ensemble. Cassidy/Lilly and Logan/Cassidy.
Word Count: 1119 (for this chapter).
Rating: R
Summary: In one world, he found Lilly Kane on the white bedspread. In the other, Veronica Mars was left on it for him. In both, everything slowly started crashing down.
Spoilers: (eventually) Up to 3x09, "Spit and Eggs.
Warnings: Swearing, sexuality, het, slash, talk of rape and molestation.
Author's Notes: One of those fics you really have to explain the premise of. One storyline occurs in canon, one occurs in my old fanfic, "Compare and Contrast." This will probably make more sense if you've read that. The title is from a book of poems by Ted Hughes, and each section is titled by a line from one of the poems in that book. Each chapter is titled after the poem from which those sections' two lines come from.
6. The stone man made soup
Lilly is standing in front of his locker and staring straight at him, talking about Logan. He can't help but blush. He avoids the question - even if Logan now knows the vice versa, he wants to keep them as apart in possible in his mind. He doesn't even know why. Lilly stares him down and says something about him being Logan's 'alibi'. There is a hitch in her voice, no matter how casual she tries to sound, as if there are tears strangled behind there.
So he admits it - for Logan's sake, if nothing else. He asks why, and she confesses: Veronica, September 27th, the rape.
All the wind is knocked out of him and replace by an intangible rage, when he realizes how very stupid Lilly is. He didn't know Veronica Mars very well, but he knows this of her and knows without a doubt that he needs to protect her now - stupid, curious, selfish Lilly, looking for an answer she does not deserve. That secret was Veronica's alone, and it sickens him to think he knows it now.
“What the hell do you think you're doing?” he hisses at Lilly as he grabs her wrist, struck by the urge to just twist until he hears the satisfying crack of her bone breaking. He doesn't; just watches as she flinches in pain, offering excuses. He can see in her eyes how thoroughly she believes them; how thoroughly she thinks she's doing the right thing and all his guts twist up.
He remembers who she is, and forces himself to think of her as her image, just for a second - Lilly Kane, selfish and cruel. He tries to keep that in his mind as he runs away from her, and winds up in the boy's bathroom punching the mirror. As he watches the blood drip down his hand, it's sickening scent reaches his nostrils and the vulture-Lilly he's trying to hold onto starts to fade away.
A few days pass, and he's pretty much on autopilot from when Dick comes to him - Lilly said there was something wrong. He feels like the boundaries of his life are blurring, letting sickening things into what is still left, and it's all her fault.
When he drags her into that room, it strikes him as funny how different this is to last time he was alone with her. He doesn't even know what he wants this time, but sex has nothing to do with it - he wants to shut her up. He wants to hurt her in revenge. He wants to heal her so she can live by a rule other than Veronica's (and his) secret pain.
He focuses on the first one.
He says he's fine, and knows how delusional he sounds. She says he's not, and offers her help up on a silver platter - he hates how hard it is to resist that. She lists how broken he is, why she says so, and it feels like a taunt - he needs to stop her talking like that, then it's all a flurry of movement until a thwap sounds from what seems like far away, and she falls to the floor at his hand.
Her face hardens, and she more or less dismisses it as anything other than proof of what a hopeless fuck-up he is. He realizes he can't hurt her; he's simply not strong enough, not good enough for that. He runs.
He likes the noise of the highway; easy to lose his thoughts in. It doesn't take much effort to step out into the oncoming traffic - there's suddenly the sound of carn horns, a blow and sudden pain, and things go dark. As he feels it ending, he hears Veronica telling him it's okay.
6. The burning woman drank it
He doesn't want to look her in the eye - she's wearing that trademark sardonic smile he carved for her; the one he used to find so appealing, but now just makes his stomach churn. She calls him lover - he doesn't know what to think of that. Her feels the effort of keeping that smile in place radiating off her in waves, and it must hurt - he half wants to confess, just so she can let that aching lie-smile down.
He mutters “Nothing happened.” He tries to walk away, as he had right after - ran out of that room with the last traces of his body still on (in) her, as if he hadn't done a thing. She doesn't let his this time, however.
The smile falls and it's a relief. She says she remembers the morning after, if not the details, and her jaw is clenching and unclenching with the effort it takes to keep from screaming. It makes him wince. He liked admiring how he broke her from a distance, but hearing her avoid the exact word plants something dark and sick in his stomach, like a tumor he can't cut out.
He forces himself to fill with anger and envy - he remembers details. She doesn't. She has no right to pretend she's like him. He holds onto those factors, long enough to look her in the eye, and point blank lie that he never touched her. Long enough to see the belief register in her eyes.
She walks off with a punch to his arm, and he exhales in relief. Logistically, there are still a million ways this can go wrong - he's not invincible, and she's meant to be smart - but somehow, he just knows it's over. She never mentions it again.
He reads in the newspaper about Abel Koontz, and thinks of Logan. It was always too much of a coincidence, how he came back just in time for Lilly's death. Given everything, Cassidy's not sure how much right he has to care, and even how much he does. But he chooses to react in the token 'Beaver' way, affirming Veronica's faith in him, and maybe making Logan Echolls something else he can rule.
He watches her eyes go dark as he tells her what he knows - grief for Lilly and Logan, nothing more. She does not flinch to receive this information from him. He is struck by an urge to scream and confess; to offer his rule, or to beg for her forgiveness. But he doesn't really want to and her silent panic isn't leaving him the room to anyway. Despite what she feels, he see an underlying layer of fine in her. He realizes he can't break her, and it hurts. He guesses:
Maybe it doesn't really matter.