(no subject)
Made it thru another day clean! Yay! Wasnt easy, especially after the meeting tonight. Well, I slept in pretty harsh because they put a screamer in my room...apparently the poor thing gets night terrors and she wakes up, or doesnt wake up, screaming. Scared the shit out of me every time, especially the first time because i didnt know what was going on she was screaming bloody murder and i thought someone was actually being murdered. thats what she dreams of, that people are trying to kill her. it was pretty intense, and very frustrating. of course i dont blame her cuz its not her fault, i bet she'd rather not wake up screaming too but it still sucked cuz i was so tired. it happened twice, the second time staff was actually in the room and just standing there letting her scream i came in and they told me to get out and i was like wtf wake her up dont just let her scream herself silly and wake the whole house up! later she said she had an evaluation to do. again, wtf? so anyways i slept in late and didnt go to the mall to see dalton cuz by the tme i got ahold of him he was already being picked up in an hour anyways.
I didnt end up going to see my friend in the hosp either cuz honestly i totally forgot. i tried to call her right before 10pm and let it ring forever and was told it was too late to call and to try again in the morning so whatever. i was busy making phone calls...gettin an appt with my doctor, trying to get ahold of themental health worker thats gonna help me with housing and welfare, getting ahold of welfare so i can get back on PWD(persons with disabilities) to supplement my income. See, my rents only have enuf work to keep me employed part time and i cant get another job cuz of all my appts(doctor and chiro every week, a&d every 2 weeks, e fry councelling, psychiatrist every month or so, etc...plus im starting 3 groups-concurrent disorders,beginners group at e fry,and a grief group hopefully in jan) so i need to be making more money if i ever want to move out of here, which of course i have to to get clean and stay clean. Ive decided how to deal with the money issue too-cuz moneys my biggest trigger and ill end up going out and spending it all-so ive decided togive my money to either staff here or my rents.The team leader told me when i asked that if i give them too much money,she was sure of the amount,ill be labelled a non-emergency and kicked out bcuz i can go stay in a hotel instead.It was so frustrating too because i was asked today if i wanted to leave today and my jaw dropped and i just went what? the staff said that it wasnt 100% but that i might be able to go into crossroads supportive living in rutland. slutland-ugh but still better than here i think.but then i found out u had to have 30 days clean time at least and i have 2, plus u need to be on IA or PWD. I had to watch two women, two of my fave women here cuz one was my NA buddy that also went every day but to the nooner but smetimes went to night meetings too,leave for crossroads supportive living. I felt like crying. Anyways, i mostly stayed in today...slept till 1, made some calls slept and smoked, then slept from about 4:30-5:45pm, ate supper, and rushed to get to my meeting. Luckily a women from here that i met at the meeting last night came with me cuz the meeting was downtown and thats not a good place for me alone right now. Turned out i was right about it because afterwards we got a ride home and drove past one of my old dealers that hooked me up real good 2 nights ago and i knew would do so again. The meeting was rly good of course, not as intense as the last one cuz only 2 ppl cried instead of like the whole meeting but still rly good and i got to share my poem again. They didnt clap like the last meeting and no one came up to me afterwards to comment but that was ok. I joined tonite so its now my home group which is cool, im definately going to try to make it every mon nite from now on. Anyways, the meeting was good but after driving past that dealer guy i was having cravings harsh. I felt like i was losing my mind, i knew it was too late to go out cuz i only had a little over an hour and knew i wouldnt make it back home in time and would lose my bed for 3 nites and have nowhere to stay so id be out on the streets freezing my ass off but somehow tat didnt seem to matter all that mattered was getting my hoot. I rocked back and forth, i cried, i hyperventilated and couldnt breathe and felt my throat constrict. But I made it thru. I totally annoyed my friend here that i knew had weed but said she couldnt share or whatever yet i still persisted until she got kinda angry and was like look-i said no can u plz stop asking? And i stormed off and slammed the door behind me but apologized later for being so bitchy and persistant.I talked to an NA member, not my sponser or my good friend that drove us home cuz i couldnt get ahold of them, but at least i got ahold of someone right? Smoked and ate a lot and got the name of a pill thats supposed to take away cravings or at least help that im going to ask my doctor to put me on. I really hope it doest headfuck with me too much cuz thats my biggest fear with meds right now cuz they affected me so negatively last time. But if it helps with the cravings, so be it.Anyways, finally ended up breaking down in front of staff and they gave me some chocolate, an assignment(list the good and bad things of using and compare-which list is longer? obviosly the bad...),and a list of ways to deal with cravings which was good. So I made it thru! Yay! Without using, hurting myself, or losing my bed. Im very proud of myself, i didnt know if i was strong enough to withstand that level of craving but i did it. It was hard, but can only get easier if i just stick to my guns and always, always, DONT USE!
I didnt end up going to see my friend in the hosp either cuz honestly i totally forgot. i tried to call her right before 10pm and let it ring forever and was told it was too late to call and to try again in the morning so whatever. i was busy making phone calls...gettin an appt with my doctor, trying to get ahold of themental health worker thats gonna help me with housing and welfare, getting ahold of welfare so i can get back on PWD(persons with disabilities) to supplement my income. See, my rents only have enuf work to keep me employed part time and i cant get another job cuz of all my appts(doctor and chiro every week, a&d every 2 weeks, e fry councelling, psychiatrist every month or so, etc...plus im starting 3 groups-concurrent disorders,beginners group at e fry,and a grief group hopefully in jan) so i need to be making more money if i ever want to move out of here, which of course i have to to get clean and stay clean. Ive decided how to deal with the money issue too-cuz moneys my biggest trigger and ill end up going out and spending it all-so ive decided togive my money to either staff here or my rents.The team leader told me when i asked that if i give them too much money,she was sure of the amount,ill be labelled a non-emergency and kicked out bcuz i can go stay in a hotel instead.It was so frustrating too because i was asked today if i wanted to leave today and my jaw dropped and i just went what? the staff said that it wasnt 100% but that i might be able to go into crossroads supportive living in rutland. slutland-ugh but still better than here i think.but then i found out u had to have 30 days clean time at least and i have 2, plus u need to be on IA or PWD. I had to watch two women, two of my fave women here cuz one was my NA buddy that also went every day but to the nooner but smetimes went to night meetings too,leave for crossroads supportive living. I felt like crying. Anyways, i mostly stayed in today...slept till 1, made some calls slept and smoked, then slept from about 4:30-5:45pm, ate supper, and rushed to get to my meeting. Luckily a women from here that i met at the meeting last night came with me cuz the meeting was downtown and thats not a good place for me alone right now. Turned out i was right about it because afterwards we got a ride home and drove past one of my old dealers that hooked me up real good 2 nights ago and i knew would do so again. The meeting was rly good of course, not as intense as the last one cuz only 2 ppl cried instead of like the whole meeting but still rly good and i got to share my poem again. They didnt clap like the last meeting and no one came up to me afterwards to comment but that was ok. I joined tonite so its now my home group which is cool, im definately going to try to make it every mon nite from now on. Anyways, the meeting was good but after driving past that dealer guy i was having cravings harsh. I felt like i was losing my mind, i knew it was too late to go out cuz i only had a little over an hour and knew i wouldnt make it back home in time and would lose my bed for 3 nites and have nowhere to stay so id be out on the streets freezing my ass off but somehow tat didnt seem to matter all that mattered was getting my hoot. I rocked back and forth, i cried, i hyperventilated and couldnt breathe and felt my throat constrict. But I made it thru. I totally annoyed my friend here that i knew had weed but said she couldnt share or whatever yet i still persisted until she got kinda angry and was like look-i said no can u plz stop asking? And i stormed off and slammed the door behind me but apologized later for being so bitchy and persistant.I talked to an NA member, not my sponser or my good friend that drove us home cuz i couldnt get ahold of them, but at least i got ahold of someone right? Smoked and ate a lot and got the name of a pill thats supposed to take away cravings or at least help that im going to ask my doctor to put me on. I really hope it doest headfuck with me too much cuz thats my biggest fear with meds right now cuz they affected me so negatively last time. But if it helps with the cravings, so be it.Anyways, finally ended up breaking down in front of staff and they gave me some chocolate, an assignment(list the good and bad things of using and compare-which list is longer? obviosly the bad...),and a list of ways to deal with cravings which was good. So I made it thru! Yay! Without using, hurting myself, or losing my bed. Im very proud of myself, i didnt know if i was strong enough to withstand that level of craving but i did it. It was hard, but can only get easier if i just stick to my guns and always, always, DONT USE!