4 am
I just spent the evening with my friends from HS and I had a ton of fun. It's so nice being around people who actually miss you when you're not around. It's my year anniversary living in Missoula, and unfortunatly I feel as if it's been one of the worst years of my entire life. I feel so miserable here, which is why I can't wait to move. I know I have friends who care about me, but I feel as if though they don't notice if I'm not around. More often than not I sit here by myself with nothing to do. I don't get invited out very much. Whenever I visit Billings I cry my eyes out when I have to leave. My friends there are always so happy to see me, and show me so much affection cuz they miss me. I just absoultely hate leaving that. I hate leaving a place where I feel like I'm wanted, and missed. I hate leaving a town where I've had the best time of my life, and met some of the best friends I have ever had. People from Missoula seem to have a low opinion of Billings, but to them I say this. I have never felt more able to be myself, nor have I ever felt more safe to be able to turn my back than I did there. It may not be as liberal of a town as Missoula, but in my experience it was more welcoming and friendly. It seems as if you're not a Missoulian people here look down upon you as trash. When I moved here I had such high expectations as a gay man because it was always talked up to be the best place to live if you're a queer in Montana. I have never found anything to be more false. In Billings I was able to turn my back without having to fear what was being said about me. I was able to be me and I never worried about what others thought but here it seems to matter so much more. I'm sorry to my friends who live here, I love you all and I'm actually quite happy with my decison to move here and I am glad I met you...I've just had a terrible experience in this town. I want to live in a place where a stupid sleezy boy can't get between me and one of my best friends. I want to live in a place where if I'm absent, I'm missed. I just think if I move away, no one will even notice. I'm probably being melodramatic, but at this moment in time I can't help but feel this way.