(no subject)
Sometimes I just don't understand the things I do.
And I hate not understanding why people do the things they do.
What do I do when I don't understand my own actions?
It's even worse when I don't understand what action I'm supposed to take. I'm stuck in a rut because I'm too scared to upset the balance in my life. Or maybe I'm scared of the fact that I actually really want to just fuck my "balance" and rock my world upside down for a little while and see what happens to me. It seems like the past 2 years I've always known, or thought I knew, what was ahead for me and now I'm out in the dark, knowing nothing, shooting blanks.
And I think I like it, I think I love it.
This all kind of happened by accident. But maybe I accidentally knew what I was doing? Some things are just such mysteries to me. It's so exhausting being the way that I am but I know I can't change unless someone changes me. I'm so put together on the outside. I put myself out there and I'm no different than I ever was; but underneath that I don't want to put myself out there at all. I don't want to show you the things that can make me cry, I don't want to tell you about my past, I don't want to tell you what scares me and I don't want to know what scares you either.
I'm having fun, I've (stupidly) been going out every night of the week, and my mind has been clear the whole time...but I can never sleep because questions are all that occupy my mind.
I guess I'm just a crazy girl and I need to forget all of my concerns and let myself jump and see if I fly. And if I fall...I guess a few scrapes here and there can't hurt anyone.
Actually, at the current time, its exactly the falling part that I'm afraid of.
The ones that want us are the never ones we want for ourselves.
And I hate not understanding why people do the things they do.
What do I do when I don't understand my own actions?
It's even worse when I don't understand what action I'm supposed to take. I'm stuck in a rut because I'm too scared to upset the balance in my life. Or maybe I'm scared of the fact that I actually really want to just fuck my "balance" and rock my world upside down for a little while and see what happens to me. It seems like the past 2 years I've always known, or thought I knew, what was ahead for me and now I'm out in the dark, knowing nothing, shooting blanks.
And I think I like it, I think I love it.
This all kind of happened by accident. But maybe I accidentally knew what I was doing? Some things are just such mysteries to me. It's so exhausting being the way that I am but I know I can't change unless someone changes me. I'm so put together on the outside. I put myself out there and I'm no different than I ever was; but underneath that I don't want to put myself out there at all. I don't want to show you the things that can make me cry, I don't want to tell you about my past, I don't want to tell you what scares me and I don't want to know what scares you either.
I'm having fun, I've (stupidly) been going out every night of the week, and my mind has been clear the whole time...but I can never sleep because questions are all that occupy my mind.
I guess I'm just a crazy girl and I need to forget all of my concerns and let myself jump and see if I fly. And if I fall...I guess a few scrapes here and there can't hurt anyone.
Actually, at the current time, its exactly the falling part that I'm afraid of.
The ones that want us are the never ones we want for ourselves.