You Can F*ck Me, But You'd Better Not L*ve Me.
I've been getting questions about my emotional availability from people. More questions about where I am in terms of relationship availability. The short answer is that I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
The longer, more self-indulgent answer is that I don't know. I'm figuring things out as I go, trying not to give more than I have to offer, and trying not to hurt the people I'm connecting with in the process. I want close, cuddly, emotional relationships and have been attempting to build them. However, I find myself freezing up and retreating when I start to feel the warm fuzzies. Just hearing terms of endearment from others right now has me feeling like jumping up on a chair and shrieking like a 50's sitcom housewife who has seen a mouse. I've spent a good part of my dating life going directly from one intense primary relationship to another and I'm doing everything I can to avoid doing that again. The only relationship I have felt safe indulging my desire for emotional intimacy right now is mikz - and a lot of that feeling of safety has come from knowing that I can allow myself to become as close as I want because he will be leaving for Australia next year.
I know this is a temporary thing and I won't feel like this forever. In a way, I'm glad that I seem to be guarding myself from another leap into another committed, but mismatched, pairing - but I'm a little sad that I can't just celebrate the positive connections I'm building without an underlying feeling of anxiety.
The longer, more self-indulgent answer is that I don't know. I'm figuring things out as I go, trying not to give more than I have to offer, and trying not to hurt the people I'm connecting with in the process. I want close, cuddly, emotional relationships and have been attempting to build them. However, I find myself freezing up and retreating when I start to feel the warm fuzzies. Just hearing terms of endearment from others right now has me feeling like jumping up on a chair and shrieking like a 50's sitcom housewife who has seen a mouse. I've spent a good part of my dating life going directly from one intense primary relationship to another and I'm doing everything I can to avoid doing that again. The only relationship I have felt safe indulging my desire for emotional intimacy right now is mikz - and a lot of that feeling of safety has come from knowing that I can allow myself to become as close as I want because he will be leaving for Australia next year.
I know this is a temporary thing and I won't feel like this forever. In a way, I'm glad that I seem to be guarding myself from another leap into another committed, but mismatched, pairing - but I'm a little sad that I can't just celebrate the positive connections I'm building without an underlying feeling of anxiety.