Birth
A big part of my identity is being korean. I find this perplexing sometimes because I didn't grow up in Korea and lived overseas all my life. But if anyone asked me where I came from, the first thing I'd say is that I'm Korean. But what does it mean to be a Korean? Many people think of kpop, wondergirls, SNSD, Super Junior etc when they think of Korea but I guess that's because that was the medium through which they first found out about Korea - through music, movies, dramas, etc. My encounter with my nationality was built up over a longer period, since birth, through the inculcation of language, korean values and mannerisms, sports, food, in short, a more holistic experience.
Part of that was my mom's influence. She always made it a point that I learnt Korean no matter what country I was in. She would do this by buying stacks of heavy korean assessment books, by signing us up for saturday korean schools (which I always skipped and now regret) and always talking to us in korean (which i suppose was inevitable given her english was not that great). So, through bits and pieces, my link to my korean blood was never completely detached. And as I grew older, I began to really appreciate what my culture was all about. I really do think Korea is an amazing country. The more I learn about korean history and especially how they've radically transformed themselves in 50 years from poverty to economic superpower, just amazes me.
I think there's something to be said about Korean people. At the risk of sounding stereotypical, they are extremely industrious, driven and diligent. On the other hand, there are some really bad traits about koreans (tendency to get cocky once they achieve something, drinking+smoking, obsession with outward appearances) but I've always thought of myself as a sort of selective Korean, trying to choose the positive traits and rejecting the negative. What happens inevitably is that I'm not fully Korean that way because you can't give up part of what defines a Korean (I realize this sounds really generalized but bear with me). The point is maybe I just really want to be defined as a Korean because that's the one Nationality I want to be a part of, and also is the most natural thing to be. On the other hand, I'm dissatisfied with so many aspects of being Korean that I try to eschew those aspects. Being a korean living outside, I always felt I had a right to choose how Korean I wanted to be. But that's always caused a conflict in me. I could never fully feel comfortable with my Korean peers while I could never be anything else comprehensively.
I used to struggle a lot with my sense of identity. But now I'm more used to who I am. I don't try to fit in with any culture and I'm aware of the conflict that brings. But over time, being alone didn't make me feel depressed anymore. I became more accustomed to aloneness and now when I think about it, I value my privacy and space a lot. Obviously, being around people is important to me, but that's not what drives me. I can feel content being alone. I guess many people automatically assume it to be lonely when one's not with others, but yearn it. Being in NY, being surrounded by people all the time, I wish for time alone. To think and to be fully comfortable with myself.
So connecting that to the whole Korean thing, I don't feel any pressure to be Korean, neither do I feel the need to be a "global citizen". I'll be whatever I end up being after my life experiences. And that's probably the most honest thing I can be to myself.
Part of that was my mom's influence. She always made it a point that I learnt Korean no matter what country I was in. She would do this by buying stacks of heavy korean assessment books, by signing us up for saturday korean schools (which I always skipped and now regret) and always talking to us in korean (which i suppose was inevitable given her english was not that great). So, through bits and pieces, my link to my korean blood was never completely detached. And as I grew older, I began to really appreciate what my culture was all about. I really do think Korea is an amazing country. The more I learn about korean history and especially how they've radically transformed themselves in 50 years from poverty to economic superpower, just amazes me.
I think there's something to be said about Korean people. At the risk of sounding stereotypical, they are extremely industrious, driven and diligent. On the other hand, there are some really bad traits about koreans (tendency to get cocky once they achieve something, drinking+smoking, obsession with outward appearances) but I've always thought of myself as a sort of selective Korean, trying to choose the positive traits and rejecting the negative. What happens inevitably is that I'm not fully Korean that way because you can't give up part of what defines a Korean (I realize this sounds really generalized but bear with me). The point is maybe I just really want to be defined as a Korean because that's the one Nationality I want to be a part of, and also is the most natural thing to be. On the other hand, I'm dissatisfied with so many aspects of being Korean that I try to eschew those aspects. Being a korean living outside, I always felt I had a right to choose how Korean I wanted to be. But that's always caused a conflict in me. I could never fully feel comfortable with my Korean peers while I could never be anything else comprehensively.
I used to struggle a lot with my sense of identity. But now I'm more used to who I am. I don't try to fit in with any culture and I'm aware of the conflict that brings. But over time, being alone didn't make me feel depressed anymore. I became more accustomed to aloneness and now when I think about it, I value my privacy and space a lot. Obviously, being around people is important to me, but that's not what drives me. I can feel content being alone. I guess many people automatically assume it to be lonely when one's not with others, but yearn it. Being in NY, being surrounded by people all the time, I wish for time alone. To think and to be fully comfortable with myself.
So connecting that to the whole Korean thing, I don't feel any pressure to be Korean, neither do I feel the need to be a "global citizen". I'll be whatever I end up being after my life experiences. And that's probably the most honest thing I can be to myself.