I Am So Homesick Now For Someplace I Will Never Be
Title: I Am So Homesick Now For Someplace I Will Never Be
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Jo
Summary: Dean sighs, not even in his fantasies could he escape reality.
A/N: AU, title taken from ‘Time Won’t Let Me Go’ by The Bravery, takes place after ‘We Were Made To Never Fall Away’ ‘If We Could See That This Was All We Need’ and ‘The Broken Lights On The Freeway Have Left Me Here Alone’.
A/N2: starts 6 months after ‘The Broken Lights’
A/N: 3rd in my ‘The Tape deck Songs’ series
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Supernatural or its characters only Amber (Sam's partner) I don’t own the Bravery or their song Time Won’t Let Me Go
When Sam calls for the millionth time that week Dean answers, his finger hovering over the ‘ignore’ button must have slipped. Since Dean drove off leaving him alone in the rain Sam had called at least five times a day, Dean had threw his phone into a lake and the calls had stopped, Bobby had given him his old phone, found it along with a charger in a box of stuff Dean had left in the garage, a box that now sat in the Impala’s trunk. The phone was for emergencies, only Bobby was supposed to know he had it, he wondered how many days it had taken after he left for Bobby to cave and give the number to Sam. It was for emergencies; Dean cursed Bobby for giving Sam the number; Sam calling was not an emergency it was an inconvenience.
Sam called for three months on end, each time Dean ignored him, at first it was too soon, he had too much pride, then he didn’t know what he’d say along with too much pride but then too much time passed and he still had too much pride. It took Sam a while though to get the message and stop filling his voice mail up with useless messages Dean eventually started deleting without even listening to them, he did it one by one he would have cleared his inbox, that would have been easier but he couldn’t bear to because that would mean getting rid of another piece of Jo. It was stupid and he hadn’t even known it existed until he’d listened to some of Sam’s messages.
“Dean it’s Sam, please just call me back when you listen to this, please.”
Message deleted.
“It’s me again. Call me back.”
Message deleted.
“I’m sorry -”
Message deleted.
“Hey Deano it’s me, just calling to see if you and Sam are stopping by... Never mind.”
To call this person back press 1, to delete this message press 2, to save this message press 3.
1
“The number you have called is disconnected, please check the number and try again.”
To call a different number press 4, to delete this message press 2, to save this message press 3.
3
Message saved.
It was so small but it was something and Dean would take what he could get. It was the last thing he had of him and Jo that Sam knew nothing about. That was important to Dean, he didn’t know why. The next time Sam called after that Dean answered, waited one second then hung up. Sam didn’t call for two months after that and Dean was grateful for the silence. A month ago the calls started again and Dean continued his pattern from last time ‘ignore’ ‘delete’ ‘ignore’, until his finger slipped.
For the first time in six months Dean speaks to his brother.
Sam and Amber are engaged, getting married June 14th, happy news to which Dean fakes a smile even though Sam can’t see him, he fakes an enthusiastic tone.
“Congratulations.” He says, he’s a terrible brother, this he knows for sure when the first thing he thinks is that Sam had already been engaged to the love of his life, why did should he get another? (But Dean didn’t want another love only another chance with Jo). It’s the guilt from that thought that leads him to agreeing to be best man not that he could say anything else but the truth he regretted it as soon as he said it.
Johnny Walker helps him to sleep, not for the first time that month, not for last he knows, he dreams of Jo lying next to him, dreams of Jo’s left hand weighed down with his ring, with his heart, with his heart. He dreams of all the ways he could have asked her, on all the ways it could have gone, she always says yes but he still wakes up alone.
“You wanna marry me?” he asks tangled up in sheets, Jo shrugs with a smile.
“Sure why not?” she asks.
“That doesn’t sound so enthusiastic.” Dean pouts.
“I’m sorry, how this? Yes Dean, yes, oh my god yes.” Jo half yells, she knows her answer was enough already.
“Seem to remember you saying that a few minutes ago.” Dean smirks.
“Wanna hear me say it again?” Jo asks.
“That is a definite yes.” Dean says rolling on top of Jo and kissing her.
“Marry me Jo.” Dean gets down on one knee and Jo nearly falls on her ass in shock, they’re in some run down nowhere and nothing motel, no candles, no flowers, no string quartet but he asks and she nods and smiles, tears in her eyes as she nearly topples him over diving into his arms.
“Yes I will.” she says against his lips.
She finds the ring in his bag, looking for extra ammo, he comes out of the shower and she turns to him, the box open in her hand, Joanna Beth Harvelle rendered speechless, Dean never thought he’d see the day.
“Well?” he asks an eyebrow raised, Jo nods and slips the ring on her finger, Dean goes to her and kisses her passionately
“I had a whole thing planned.” He says, Jo nods and kisses him again, Dean pulls away.
“I really did.” He says.
“I believe you.” Jo tells him pulling him back onto the bed with her.
He takes her to a fancy restaurant, she feels underdressed in her jeans and t-shirt and complains about it but he thinks she looks a thousand times better than any of the other women in the restaurant in their expensive dresses and jewels, the menu is expensive, a weeks’ worth of hustling on drinks an entrees alone, he proposes before the mains, before he has to consider pawning the ring to pay for the rest of the meal, Jo shouts yes before he’s even finished asking her and, looking down on them or not, the rest of the restaurant patrons applaud for the moment and Jo pulls him to his feet, standing as well and kisses him.
“Would you like to order your meals now?” a waiter asks, Jo breaks her lips from his and answers.
“Just the check thanks, we’ve got some celebrating to do.” she smirks. God Dean loves this woman.
He asks her at the Roadhouse, in front of everyone, including Ellen and her shotgun, A5 on the jukebox and REO Speedwagon plays as he gets on his knees in front of every hunter in town.
“Joanna Beth Harvelle I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you no matter how long that is, please do me the honour of becoming my wife.” he says, Jo comes out from around the bar in her singlet, jeans and apron, and stares at him, everyone else stares at her, waiting for her answer. The seconds feel like days and he’s been waiting here for months.
“Better luck next time.” Someone calls out from the crowd and Dean is insanely nervous, why was he so stupid to do this in front of everybody. Jo grins and flips the bird in the general direction of the comment.
“Of course I will.” She says walking over to him, Dean jumps up off his knees and Jo, the hunters cheer and Dean hugs Jo tightly, picking her up off the ground slightly, she whispers in his ear.
“It was fun watching you freak out.” And pulls away grinning, Dean lets her go and Jo stands at his side, he looks around the bar to find out who needs their ass kicked for calling out. Dean stops scanning the crowd when it parts and Ellen appears in front of him, for a second he’s scared, then Ellen smiles. The Harvelle women will be the death of him Dean decides, an arm around Jo’s waist and he doesn’t care much at all.
“Took you long enough.” Ellen says and hugs him “Don’t you hurt my girl.”
“I won’t.” Dean promises.
“Next rounds on me.” Ellen announces to the bar Dean tries not to be offended that that seems to bring a louder cheer than Jo’s answer.
A day off and they take a walk through the park together, it’s a nice sunny day, kids are playing on the swings, families are picnicking, a man gets down on one knee and his girlfriend becomes his fiancé with a strangled scream of excitement and tears.
“SHE SAID YES!” the man exclaims, his hand in the air, like it wasn’t already obvious, Dean smiles and Jo turns to him.
“So you gunna make an honest woman out of me one day and marry me?” she asks half joking, expecting him to freak out, instead Dean pulls the small velvet box from his pocket.
“You kind of ruined my plan princess.” He says, Jo’s eyes widen in surprise.
“So?” he prompts her. “You gunna do me a favour and marry me?”
Jo nods yes and Dean slips the ring on his finger, no one else in the park even realises but that doesn’t matter, Jo said yes.
Her birthday comes around and Dean buys her a new gun, the one she’d been dropping hints about for a month, Jo opens it and grins, checking all its features, including one it doesn’t normally come with, a diamond ring on the trigger.
“Is that what I think it is?” Jo asks.
“Depends on what you’re thinking it is sweetheart.” Dean smiles. “I want to marry you.”
Jo slides the ring on her finger, puts the gun on the nightstand and kisses him.
“That’s a yes?” Dean asks and Jo nods.
“That’s a yes.” She says.
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Dean smiles.
Dean wakes up at 4:55, the clock next to him tells him so, he looks around his dark room and sighs. He had never actually thought about how he was going to propose to her but he’d saved up a lot of money to buy her the ring, he’d agonised about which one to get her, he had finally picked the right one, he’d carried it around in his bag for a week, he thought he’d tell everyone that they were invited to the wedding rather than explain he and Jo were together, he knew it was because, despite his confident demeanour, he was actually afraid she’d figure out that he wasn’t good enough for her and leave. When he had something permanent then he’d tell the whole world that Jo had agreed to marry him. He had waited too long. All he has left is the memory of Jo’s smile, the ghost of her kiss, her shadow always in his mind. He still has the ring, it’s still in its box, the box is in the back of his drawer, Dean stands and walks to the chest of drawers, reaches into the back, past his socks and underwear and pulls the box out into the world, it’s been a long time since he’s seen it but without even opening it he knows what it looks like. Three bands of silver circling each other and interlocking, one silver band running across the others studded with five sapphires and three diamonds, it sparkles in the moonlight, it’s beautiful, for the money he paid it damn well better be. It looks beautiful in its box, it would have looked better on her finger.
3 missed calls.
“Hey Dean it’s Sam, just letting you know this Sunday there’s a small party, mostly Amber’s family and friends, I’d love you to come. Bobby will be there. Our house at 4.”
Message deleted.
“Dean it’s Bobby. Sam wants me to remind you to be at the tailors at 12, tux fitting. Hope you’re there.”
Message deleted.
“Damn it Dean I know you don’t give a fuck but Sam does, you’re his brother and he loves you, for some God only knows reason you’re the best man so suck it up and get to the rehearsal on time.”
Amber.
Message deleted.
“Hey Deano it’s me, just calling to see if you and Sam are stopping by...” she trails off, maybe hearing the Impala pull up or looking out the window to see it drive into the parking lot, maybe changing her mind about caring if he was going to show up, he imagines her smiling. “Never mind.”
Message saved.
Despite being the best man Dean did nothing he was in Texas for the engagement party, he showed up late for the tux fitting, just as Sam was leaving back to work, already late from his lunch break, Bobby clips him across the back of the head and Sam’s law school friend is clearly disdainful.
“Nice of you to show up.” he says.
“Why are you getting measured now? Won’t the measurements change once you remove that pole from your ass?” Dean asks. “Let’s get this over with.”
He gets fitted for a tux he’s glad Amber’s parents are paying for because he probably wouldn’t have been able to afford the bowtie let alone the rest of it.
“Where the hell were you?” Amber demands when she sees him, storming over to him all anger and rage.
“Sorry just got here.” Dean tells her, for once he’s telling the truth, he doesn’t expect her to believe him.
“Bullshit.” Amber spits at him, she doesn’t. “You were probably at some pub getting drunk and then getting your ass handed to you weren’t you?”
“You’ve got it all figured out don’t you?” Dean says.
“You should have been at the rehearsal.” Amber tells him.
“What’s there to rehearse? I stand there, I smile and I try not to lose the rings.” Dean says.
“Damn it Dean.” Amber shakes her head.
“Look I haven’t even checked it yet so if you’ll excuse me.” Dean says and walks away from her.
“You’re an asshole.” She calls after him, he ignores her.
The girls are going out for their hen’s night the same night the boys are having the bucks show.
“Of course you show up for the buck’s night.” Amber says.
“Yeah well we’ve got to do what we’re good at, for me that’s drinking and women.” Dean says with a hollow smile. Sam stops Amber’s retort, whatever it was, with a touch to her arm and a pointed look, Dean knows that look, it’s Sam begging, he wants them to get along, he wants Amber to back down as right as she might be to tear him a new one, Dean knows it’s because Sam wants him there as bad as anything so Dean tries not to be such an ass through the night. He tries to be the same old Dean he was before everything, he tries to show his brother everything is ok, tries to show him he’s having a good time but he still drinks too much, not to celebrate just to numb himself and he throws the stripper’s number away the second she walks out the door, they head out to a club, Sam is having a great time, Dean sneaks out during the second round of tequila shots and goes back to his hotel room. He shuts the door behind him and kicks off his shoes, heading to the bed; he strips himself of his jacket and jeans.
“Have fun?” Jo asks him. Dean turns to her; she’s sitting up in bed, in his spare tux shirt, she looks good in it, better than he would, it’s the only thing big enough to cover her swollen belly and keep her comfortable at the same time.
“Not as much fun as I would have had with you.” he says crawling into bed with her.
“Charmer.” She says then wrinkles her nose. “You smell like smoke and alcohol.”
“Sorry.” He mumbles into her neck.
“Was she pretty?” Jo asks.
“Who?” Dean asks.
“The stripper.” Jo says. “And don’t act like there wasn’t at least one.”
“Barely noticed her.” Dean says, that was true.
“Why not?” Jo asks.
“Too busy thinking about you babe.” Dean says. That was true too. Jo gives him and quick kiss and settles into his arms, Dean’s hands rest across her stomach as he drifts off to sleep.
A wake up call from the hotel leaves his disorientated, he gets up and goes into the bathroom, showers and is in only a towel when he answers the door.
“Oh good you’re up.” Sam says with a smile.
“Yeah.” Dean nods, his smile fake. “I’ll be ready in a couple of minutes.”
“Ok cool.” Sam nods. “We’re just in the suite down the hall.”
“Ok be there soon.” Dean says and shuts the door. He gets his suit on and fumbles with the bowtie.
“You look handsome like that, we should dress up more often.” Jo says from the bathroom.
“You look beautiful.” Dean tells her and it’s true, Jo pulls a face.
“Yeah right.” She says. “Eight months pregnant and look at the dress she has me in.”
“I still think you look beautiful.” Dean tells her.
“Yeah well you’ve got to.” Jo says and takes the bowtie’s ends from his hands.
“There.” She says having fixed the bowtie correctly.
“Thanks.” He says.
“What would you do without me?” Jo asks with a smile.
“I’d fall apart.” Dean says looking down at his hands then back up, Jo’s gone.
Dean sighs, looks himself over in the mirror, his bowtie is done, he fakes a smile, it looks like a wince, it is in part, he leaves his room and heads to the suite Sam mentioned, everyone’s there teasing Sam about getting cold feet. Dean tries to play the happy brother. He doesn’t know how well he does.
It’s a beautiful sunny day, perfect for a wedding, Dean stands at the end of the altar and watches his brother smile as the bridal waltz begins to play and the guest stand and turn to the back of the church, the bridesmaids, file out, all of them skinny, Dean imagines Jo there, pregnant and hating her dress but looking a million times better than the stick thin girls in the same outfit. Jo disappears from the bridal party. He should be happy for Sam, watching his face light up at Amber comes through the doors but all he could see was Jo in a white dress, Jo walking down the aisle, Jo smiling through tears of joy, Jo saying I do, Jo becoming his wife. Instead it was Amber in her white dress, Amber walking down the aisle, Amber smiling through her tears, Amber saying I do and Amber becoming Sam’s wife. Another piece of a happy life Dean could have had goes to Sam instead. Dean tries hard not to be bitter and to keep the smile on his face as the cameras flashed; he hopes he looks happy, at least for Sam’s sake.
In a hotel ballroom Dean sips his beer and looks around, all these happy people, Amber’s family and friends, Sam’s law school buddies, a life Dean’s not a part of, the DJ takes the microphone and announces to the group.
‘Mr & Mrs Winchester’
Everyone turns to the door and claps, Dean lets himself believe it’s him and Jo about to walk through the door, but it’s not, Sam and Amber do, arm in arm and everybody rushes to congratulate the happy couple, Dean moves to the bar.
The night goes and Dean tries to be happy, tries to ignore his mind’s cruel tricks of Jo in her white dress, Jo hugging Sam for the first time as his sister-in-law, Jo talking with Ellen, Jo dancing with Bobby, Jo smiling happily in her white dress and gold ring. Amber and Sam’s first dance as husband and wife, it’s some sappy love song that Amber chose. Dean sits and watches them and wonders what song he and Jo would have danced to, Jo would have picked because even Dean was smart enough to realise that ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ by ACDC was probably not appropriate, maybe later in the night but not for the first dance, something by REO Speedwagon perhaps, he doesn’t mind that idea so much. He sees it, him in his black tux, Jo in her white dress, Jo looking beautiful, Jo smiling as he spins her around, he doesn’t forget the steps and he doesn’t step on her feet either instead he pulls her closer as she wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him.
‘They sing from the heart.’ Dean hears Jo say and looks around for her, already knowing he won’t find her. He orders another five drinks and downs them all quickly one after the other in rapid succession. It doesn’t help stop his mind imagining Jo, it’s almost like her ghost is stalking him, he sees himself with her and his heart aches. Still he doesn’t want her ghost to leave so much as he wants to believe it was happening the way sees it in his mind.
“So Mrs Winchester...” he says and Jo throws her head back and laughs.
“Yeah I guess I’m stuck with you now.” she says. “Until death do us part and all that.”
Dean freezes instantly, he watches in horror as he and Jo on the dance floor are replaced with Sam and Amber, Kevin Cronin stops singing, to be replaced with some woman warbling on about rainbows and angels, it was how it was meant to be and yet it felt so wrong to him. Dean sighs, not even in his fantasies could he escape reality.
A bridesmaid corners him in the bathroom and presses herself against him, she’s drunk and she’s blonde and she’s pretty, Dean wills himself to believe it’s Jo, he moans her name and the bridesmaid pulls away and stares at him.
“It’s Linda.” She says and Dean shrugs.
“It doesn’t matter.” He tells her truthfully, Linda glares and leaves, Dean goes to the bar and orders another drink.
Amber throws the bouquet and Linda the bridesmaid catches it, screaming with excitement, Dean imagines Jo being the one to catch it.
“Look what I got.” she says swing the flowers from side to side.
“Guess we’re getting married then.” Dean smiles. Jo smiles and throws Linda the bridesmaid a look, smirking, victory, the bridesmaid glares and turns away.
“I totally kicked her ass to get this.” Jo informs him.
“I saw, very impressive.” Dean says. “And kinda hot.”
“Glad you enjoyed the show, she elbowed me in the ribs though, pretty hard too.” Jo admits rubbing her side slightly.
“I’ll kiss it better later.” Dean promises.
Dean imagines Jo being the one to throw it, tossing it over her head into the group of women and turning and laughing as they struggle for it, it’s knocked out of one woman’s hands and skids along the floor to stop at Sam’s feet, Sam picks it up and Jo laughs her ass off, Dean comes over and drapes an arm across her shoulders, Jo leans into him as his laughter joins hers and Sam comes over to them.
Sam & Amber cut the cake and everybody cheers, Dean imagines Jo in her white dress again and him in his tux, Dean imagines licking some frosting off her top lip just as she pushes cake into the side of his face and pulls away laughing. Amber dances with her father and Sam with Amber’s mother, Dean imagines dancing with Ellen, her giving him ‘the mother-in-law speech’ that ends with ‘and they’ll never find the body’ and him promising her that she’ll never have to buy a shovel on his behalf, he imagines Jo dancing with Sam and then they swap, Jo’s in his arms and she fits perfectly while Sam tries not to step on Ellen’s toes.
Another drink.
Jo laughs when Bobby starts a conga line on the dance floor and pulls him along to join at the end of it.
Another drink.
Jo whispers in his ear “I can’t wait for tonight” and Dean suggests not having to, maybe slipping off to find a closet somewhere, Jo nearly gives into the idea until Sam comes over and tells them the photographer’s ready. Dean tries not to kill his brother.
Another drink, he’s lost count by now.
The camera’s flash and Dean knows this will be the best picture he’ll ever take. Jo kisses him and he doesn’t even notice the flash that time, they’ll hang that picture on their wall.
Another drink.
Ellen and Bobby are dancing, Sam says something about them dating, Jo says she wouldn’t mind.
Another drink.
Sam hits it off with the bridesmaid, a friend of Jo’s from college, Dean and Jo tease and encourage him, Sam blushes pink with embarrassment.
Another drink.
Jo smiles “I think I’m going to like being married to you.”
Another drink.
He can still see Jo smiling in her wedding dress.
“Hey Dean how about just some water for now?” Sam suggests coming over to him at the bar.
“No thanks Sam.” Dean says ordering a beer, the bartender who looks at Sam, Sam shakes his head. Dean looks over at Sam.
“I think you’ve had enough.” Sam tells him sounding slightly disappointed.
“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough.” Dean says and turns back to the bartender, ordering for the second time, the bartender still looks over at Sam awkwardly.
“Don’t look at him look at me.” Dean demands pounding his fist on the bar. Sam sighs and the bartender walks away from the awkward situation. Dean doesn’t blame him.
“Fine don’t serve me.” Dean says turning and heading for the exit.
“Where are you going?” Sam asks.
“To a bar where I’ll actually get some service.” Dean says pushing through the double doors, Sam follows.
“Dean please stay.” Sam says. “I want you to stay.”
“I’m sorry Sam, I can’t.” Dean tells his brother and he sounds apologetic.
“Why not?” Sam asks honestly confused.
“Because I don’t belong here.” Dean says leaning against the wall behind him.
“Yes you do, of course you do, you’re my brother.” Sam tells him, Dean knows Sam wants him here and it makes him horrible but Dean doesn’t care.
“I know but I can’t be happy for you.” Dean says and it’s like a slap in the face to Sam, he even takes a small step backwards, Dean looks down and sighs.
“I’m sorry.” He says. “I’ve tried but I can’t, I just keep thinking about how things could be different.”
“Dean I know it’s hard but you’ve got move on.” Sam says.
“Is that what you’ve done?” Dean asks. Sam nods.
“Yes.”
“So you’ve left them all behind?” Dean asks. “You’ve moved on, just like that?”
“It wasn’t easy.” Sam begins but Dean cuts him off.
“What about Jess?” Dean asks, it’s low and he knows it.
“She’d want me to be happy.” Sam says. “Like Jo would want you to be, you’ll find someone new.”
“I don’t want anyone new.” Dean exclaims, he lowers his voice and whispers like a prayer. “I just want her.”
“Well you can’t have her Dean.” Sam says anger now, Dean can’t go one day without giving into his selfish ‘needs’ and drinking because he’s not getting what he wants. It was terrible yes for Dean to lose Jo but Sam had lost people too, he still tried to move on and tried to be there when his brother needed him. Today was the day he needed Sam and Dean couldn’t even give him more than a couple of hours sober.
“She’s gone and you have to move on.” Sam says, his voice softer now.
“Does Amber know everything about you?” Dean asks and it feels to Sam like he’s changing the subject but Dean knows exactly what he’s asking even if Sam doesn’t yet.
“She knows everything important.” Sam says.
“That’s not enough.” Dean tells his brother shaking his head.
“I love her.” Sam says and he means it.
“More than Jess?” Dean asks.
“It’s not the same.” Sam protests.
“So no.” Dean says drawing his own conclusions.
“I didn’t say that.” Sam says he’s in a no win situation.
“So tell me, if Jess was still alive would you be here? With Amber or would you be with Jess it you had the choice?” Dean asks.
“I don’t have that choice.” Sam says.
“You just answered my question.” Dean says.
“No I didn’t.” Sam says.
“Then answer it now, who do you love more, Jess or Amber?” Dean asks, the door opens and Amber edges herself carefully into the hall.
“Is everything ok?” she asks as she looks between the two of them.
“Everything’s fine.” Dean says as he looks at Sam, then he turns his head to Amber and says with a smile. “Sam was just about to tell me if he loves you more than Jess, I’m not sure if he’ll lie or not.”
Sam snaps and punches Dean hard in the face Dean falls back against the wall and slides down to sit on the floor.
“Oh my god!” Amber exclaims picking up her skirt and rushing forward.
“Damn it.” Sam exclaims in pain, shaking his hand.
“Son of a bitch.” Dean curses with a slight laugh as Amber comes to kneel beside him.
“Are you ok?” she asks reaching out to touch his face, Dean jerks himself away from her and pulls himself up.
“I’m fine.” Dean says wiping the blood from his mouth and smiling at Sam. “Because I would never settle for second best.”
Dean stands there and watches as his words hit them both hard, Sam knowing it would always be partly true and Amber pales as her biggest fear was voiced into the world. Dean is too drunk to feel too guilty.
“Get out.” Sam demands; his voice low and threatening, he can’t take any of Dean’s shit anymore, he’s had enough. Dean doesn’t even protest he just turns and walks away, leaving Sam to ice his knuckles and Amber to cry in the bathroom, trying not to ruin her makeup.
Dean doesn’t come back and Sam doesn’t go looking for him.
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Jo
Summary: Dean sighs, not even in his fantasies could he escape reality.
A/N: AU, title taken from ‘Time Won’t Let Me Go’ by The Bravery, takes place after ‘We Were Made To Never Fall Away’ ‘If We Could See That This Was All We Need’ and ‘The Broken Lights On The Freeway Have Left Me Here Alone’.
A/N2: starts 6 months after ‘The Broken Lights’
A/N: 3rd in my ‘The Tape deck Songs’ series
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Supernatural or its characters only Amber (Sam's partner) I don’t own the Bravery or their song Time Won’t Let Me Go
When Sam calls for the millionth time that week Dean answers, his finger hovering over the ‘ignore’ button must have slipped. Since Dean drove off leaving him alone in the rain Sam had called at least five times a day, Dean had threw his phone into a lake and the calls had stopped, Bobby had given him his old phone, found it along with a charger in a box of stuff Dean had left in the garage, a box that now sat in the Impala’s trunk. The phone was for emergencies, only Bobby was supposed to know he had it, he wondered how many days it had taken after he left for Bobby to cave and give the number to Sam. It was for emergencies; Dean cursed Bobby for giving Sam the number; Sam calling was not an emergency it was an inconvenience.
Sam called for three months on end, each time Dean ignored him, at first it was too soon, he had too much pride, then he didn’t know what he’d say along with too much pride but then too much time passed and he still had too much pride. It took Sam a while though to get the message and stop filling his voice mail up with useless messages Dean eventually started deleting without even listening to them, he did it one by one he would have cleared his inbox, that would have been easier but he couldn’t bear to because that would mean getting rid of another piece of Jo. It was stupid and he hadn’t even known it existed until he’d listened to some of Sam’s messages.
“Dean it’s Sam, please just call me back when you listen to this, please.”
Message deleted.
“It’s me again. Call me back.”
Message deleted.
“I’m sorry -”
Message deleted.
“Hey Deano it’s me, just calling to see if you and Sam are stopping by... Never mind.”
To call this person back press 1, to delete this message press 2, to save this message press 3.
1
“The number you have called is disconnected, please check the number and try again.”
To call a different number press 4, to delete this message press 2, to save this message press 3.
3
Message saved.
It was so small but it was something and Dean would take what he could get. It was the last thing he had of him and Jo that Sam knew nothing about. That was important to Dean, he didn’t know why. The next time Sam called after that Dean answered, waited one second then hung up. Sam didn’t call for two months after that and Dean was grateful for the silence. A month ago the calls started again and Dean continued his pattern from last time ‘ignore’ ‘delete’ ‘ignore’, until his finger slipped.
For the first time in six months Dean speaks to his brother.
Sam and Amber are engaged, getting married June 14th, happy news to which Dean fakes a smile even though Sam can’t see him, he fakes an enthusiastic tone.
“Congratulations.” He says, he’s a terrible brother, this he knows for sure when the first thing he thinks is that Sam had already been engaged to the love of his life, why did should he get another? (But Dean didn’t want another love only another chance with Jo). It’s the guilt from that thought that leads him to agreeing to be best man not that he could say anything else but the truth he regretted it as soon as he said it.
Johnny Walker helps him to sleep, not for the first time that month, not for last he knows, he dreams of Jo lying next to him, dreams of Jo’s left hand weighed down with his ring, with his heart, with his heart. He dreams of all the ways he could have asked her, on all the ways it could have gone, she always says yes but he still wakes up alone.
“You wanna marry me?” he asks tangled up in sheets, Jo shrugs with a smile.
“Sure why not?” she asks.
“That doesn’t sound so enthusiastic.” Dean pouts.
“I’m sorry, how this? Yes Dean, yes, oh my god yes.” Jo half yells, she knows her answer was enough already.
“Seem to remember you saying that a few minutes ago.” Dean smirks.
“Wanna hear me say it again?” Jo asks.
“That is a definite yes.” Dean says rolling on top of Jo and kissing her.
“Marry me Jo.” Dean gets down on one knee and Jo nearly falls on her ass in shock, they’re in some run down nowhere and nothing motel, no candles, no flowers, no string quartet but he asks and she nods and smiles, tears in her eyes as she nearly topples him over diving into his arms.
“Yes I will.” she says against his lips.
She finds the ring in his bag, looking for extra ammo, he comes out of the shower and she turns to him, the box open in her hand, Joanna Beth Harvelle rendered speechless, Dean never thought he’d see the day.
“Well?” he asks an eyebrow raised, Jo nods and slips the ring on her finger, Dean goes to her and kisses her passionately
“I had a whole thing planned.” He says, Jo nods and kisses him again, Dean pulls away.
“I really did.” He says.
“I believe you.” Jo tells him pulling him back onto the bed with her.
He takes her to a fancy restaurant, she feels underdressed in her jeans and t-shirt and complains about it but he thinks she looks a thousand times better than any of the other women in the restaurant in their expensive dresses and jewels, the menu is expensive, a weeks’ worth of hustling on drinks an entrees alone, he proposes before the mains, before he has to consider pawning the ring to pay for the rest of the meal, Jo shouts yes before he’s even finished asking her and, looking down on them or not, the rest of the restaurant patrons applaud for the moment and Jo pulls him to his feet, standing as well and kisses him.
“Would you like to order your meals now?” a waiter asks, Jo breaks her lips from his and answers.
“Just the check thanks, we’ve got some celebrating to do.” she smirks. God Dean loves this woman.
He asks her at the Roadhouse, in front of everyone, including Ellen and her shotgun, A5 on the jukebox and REO Speedwagon plays as he gets on his knees in front of every hunter in town.
“Joanna Beth Harvelle I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you no matter how long that is, please do me the honour of becoming my wife.” he says, Jo comes out from around the bar in her singlet, jeans and apron, and stares at him, everyone else stares at her, waiting for her answer. The seconds feel like days and he’s been waiting here for months.
“Better luck next time.” Someone calls out from the crowd and Dean is insanely nervous, why was he so stupid to do this in front of everybody. Jo grins and flips the bird in the general direction of the comment.
“Of course I will.” She says walking over to him, Dean jumps up off his knees and Jo, the hunters cheer and Dean hugs Jo tightly, picking her up off the ground slightly, she whispers in his ear.
“It was fun watching you freak out.” And pulls away grinning, Dean lets her go and Jo stands at his side, he looks around the bar to find out who needs their ass kicked for calling out. Dean stops scanning the crowd when it parts and Ellen appears in front of him, for a second he’s scared, then Ellen smiles. The Harvelle women will be the death of him Dean decides, an arm around Jo’s waist and he doesn’t care much at all.
“Took you long enough.” Ellen says and hugs him “Don’t you hurt my girl.”
“I won’t.” Dean promises.
“Next rounds on me.” Ellen announces to the bar Dean tries not to be offended that that seems to bring a louder cheer than Jo’s answer.
A day off and they take a walk through the park together, it’s a nice sunny day, kids are playing on the swings, families are picnicking, a man gets down on one knee and his girlfriend becomes his fiancé with a strangled scream of excitement and tears.
“SHE SAID YES!” the man exclaims, his hand in the air, like it wasn’t already obvious, Dean smiles and Jo turns to him.
“So you gunna make an honest woman out of me one day and marry me?” she asks half joking, expecting him to freak out, instead Dean pulls the small velvet box from his pocket.
“You kind of ruined my plan princess.” He says, Jo’s eyes widen in surprise.
“So?” he prompts her. “You gunna do me a favour and marry me?”
Jo nods yes and Dean slips the ring on his finger, no one else in the park even realises but that doesn’t matter, Jo said yes.
Her birthday comes around and Dean buys her a new gun, the one she’d been dropping hints about for a month, Jo opens it and grins, checking all its features, including one it doesn’t normally come with, a diamond ring on the trigger.
“Is that what I think it is?” Jo asks.
“Depends on what you’re thinking it is sweetheart.” Dean smiles. “I want to marry you.”
Jo slides the ring on her finger, puts the gun on the nightstand and kisses him.
“That’s a yes?” Dean asks and Jo nods.
“That’s a yes.” She says.
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Dean smiles.
Dean wakes up at 4:55, the clock next to him tells him so, he looks around his dark room and sighs. He had never actually thought about how he was going to propose to her but he’d saved up a lot of money to buy her the ring, he’d agonised about which one to get her, he had finally picked the right one, he’d carried it around in his bag for a week, he thought he’d tell everyone that they were invited to the wedding rather than explain he and Jo were together, he knew it was because, despite his confident demeanour, he was actually afraid she’d figure out that he wasn’t good enough for her and leave. When he had something permanent then he’d tell the whole world that Jo had agreed to marry him. He had waited too long. All he has left is the memory of Jo’s smile, the ghost of her kiss, her shadow always in his mind. He still has the ring, it’s still in its box, the box is in the back of his drawer, Dean stands and walks to the chest of drawers, reaches into the back, past his socks and underwear and pulls the box out into the world, it’s been a long time since he’s seen it but without even opening it he knows what it looks like. Three bands of silver circling each other and interlocking, one silver band running across the others studded with five sapphires and three diamonds, it sparkles in the moonlight, it’s beautiful, for the money he paid it damn well better be. It looks beautiful in its box, it would have looked better on her finger.
3 missed calls.
“Hey Dean it’s Sam, just letting you know this Sunday there’s a small party, mostly Amber’s family and friends, I’d love you to come. Bobby will be there. Our house at 4.”
Message deleted.
“Dean it’s Bobby. Sam wants me to remind you to be at the tailors at 12, tux fitting. Hope you’re there.”
Message deleted.
“Damn it Dean I know you don’t give a fuck but Sam does, you’re his brother and he loves you, for some God only knows reason you’re the best man so suck it up and get to the rehearsal on time.”
Amber.
Message deleted.
“Hey Deano it’s me, just calling to see if you and Sam are stopping by...” she trails off, maybe hearing the Impala pull up or looking out the window to see it drive into the parking lot, maybe changing her mind about caring if he was going to show up, he imagines her smiling. “Never mind.”
Message saved.
Despite being the best man Dean did nothing he was in Texas for the engagement party, he showed up late for the tux fitting, just as Sam was leaving back to work, already late from his lunch break, Bobby clips him across the back of the head and Sam’s law school friend is clearly disdainful.
“Nice of you to show up.” he says.
“Why are you getting measured now? Won’t the measurements change once you remove that pole from your ass?” Dean asks. “Let’s get this over with.”
He gets fitted for a tux he’s glad Amber’s parents are paying for because he probably wouldn’t have been able to afford the bowtie let alone the rest of it.
“Where the hell were you?” Amber demands when she sees him, storming over to him all anger and rage.
“Sorry just got here.” Dean tells her, for once he’s telling the truth, he doesn’t expect her to believe him.
“Bullshit.” Amber spits at him, she doesn’t. “You were probably at some pub getting drunk and then getting your ass handed to you weren’t you?”
“You’ve got it all figured out don’t you?” Dean says.
“You should have been at the rehearsal.” Amber tells him.
“What’s there to rehearse? I stand there, I smile and I try not to lose the rings.” Dean says.
“Damn it Dean.” Amber shakes her head.
“Look I haven’t even checked it yet so if you’ll excuse me.” Dean says and walks away from her.
“You’re an asshole.” She calls after him, he ignores her.
The girls are going out for their hen’s night the same night the boys are having the bucks show.
“Of course you show up for the buck’s night.” Amber says.
“Yeah well we’ve got to do what we’re good at, for me that’s drinking and women.” Dean says with a hollow smile. Sam stops Amber’s retort, whatever it was, with a touch to her arm and a pointed look, Dean knows that look, it’s Sam begging, he wants them to get along, he wants Amber to back down as right as she might be to tear him a new one, Dean knows it’s because Sam wants him there as bad as anything so Dean tries not to be such an ass through the night. He tries to be the same old Dean he was before everything, he tries to show his brother everything is ok, tries to show him he’s having a good time but he still drinks too much, not to celebrate just to numb himself and he throws the stripper’s number away the second she walks out the door, they head out to a club, Sam is having a great time, Dean sneaks out during the second round of tequila shots and goes back to his hotel room. He shuts the door behind him and kicks off his shoes, heading to the bed; he strips himself of his jacket and jeans.
“Have fun?” Jo asks him. Dean turns to her; she’s sitting up in bed, in his spare tux shirt, she looks good in it, better than he would, it’s the only thing big enough to cover her swollen belly and keep her comfortable at the same time.
“Not as much fun as I would have had with you.” he says crawling into bed with her.
“Charmer.” She says then wrinkles her nose. “You smell like smoke and alcohol.”
“Sorry.” He mumbles into her neck.
“Was she pretty?” Jo asks.
“Who?” Dean asks.
“The stripper.” Jo says. “And don’t act like there wasn’t at least one.”
“Barely noticed her.” Dean says, that was true.
“Why not?” Jo asks.
“Too busy thinking about you babe.” Dean says. That was true too. Jo gives him and quick kiss and settles into his arms, Dean’s hands rest across her stomach as he drifts off to sleep.
A wake up call from the hotel leaves his disorientated, he gets up and goes into the bathroom, showers and is in only a towel when he answers the door.
“Oh good you’re up.” Sam says with a smile.
“Yeah.” Dean nods, his smile fake. “I’ll be ready in a couple of minutes.”
“Ok cool.” Sam nods. “We’re just in the suite down the hall.”
“Ok be there soon.” Dean says and shuts the door. He gets his suit on and fumbles with the bowtie.
“You look handsome like that, we should dress up more often.” Jo says from the bathroom.
“You look beautiful.” Dean tells her and it’s true, Jo pulls a face.
“Yeah right.” She says. “Eight months pregnant and look at the dress she has me in.”
“I still think you look beautiful.” Dean tells her.
“Yeah well you’ve got to.” Jo says and takes the bowtie’s ends from his hands.
“There.” She says having fixed the bowtie correctly.
“Thanks.” He says.
“What would you do without me?” Jo asks with a smile.
“I’d fall apart.” Dean says looking down at his hands then back up, Jo’s gone.
Dean sighs, looks himself over in the mirror, his bowtie is done, he fakes a smile, it looks like a wince, it is in part, he leaves his room and heads to the suite Sam mentioned, everyone’s there teasing Sam about getting cold feet. Dean tries to play the happy brother. He doesn’t know how well he does.
It’s a beautiful sunny day, perfect for a wedding, Dean stands at the end of the altar and watches his brother smile as the bridal waltz begins to play and the guest stand and turn to the back of the church, the bridesmaids, file out, all of them skinny, Dean imagines Jo there, pregnant and hating her dress but looking a million times better than the stick thin girls in the same outfit. Jo disappears from the bridal party. He should be happy for Sam, watching his face light up at Amber comes through the doors but all he could see was Jo in a white dress, Jo walking down the aisle, Jo smiling through tears of joy, Jo saying I do, Jo becoming his wife. Instead it was Amber in her white dress, Amber walking down the aisle, Amber smiling through her tears, Amber saying I do and Amber becoming Sam’s wife. Another piece of a happy life Dean could have had goes to Sam instead. Dean tries hard not to be bitter and to keep the smile on his face as the cameras flashed; he hopes he looks happy, at least for Sam’s sake.
In a hotel ballroom Dean sips his beer and looks around, all these happy people, Amber’s family and friends, Sam’s law school buddies, a life Dean’s not a part of, the DJ takes the microphone and announces to the group.
‘Mr & Mrs Winchester’
Everyone turns to the door and claps, Dean lets himself believe it’s him and Jo about to walk through the door, but it’s not, Sam and Amber do, arm in arm and everybody rushes to congratulate the happy couple, Dean moves to the bar.
The night goes and Dean tries to be happy, tries to ignore his mind’s cruel tricks of Jo in her white dress, Jo hugging Sam for the first time as his sister-in-law, Jo talking with Ellen, Jo dancing with Bobby, Jo smiling happily in her white dress and gold ring. Amber and Sam’s first dance as husband and wife, it’s some sappy love song that Amber chose. Dean sits and watches them and wonders what song he and Jo would have danced to, Jo would have picked because even Dean was smart enough to realise that ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ by ACDC was probably not appropriate, maybe later in the night but not for the first dance, something by REO Speedwagon perhaps, he doesn’t mind that idea so much. He sees it, him in his black tux, Jo in her white dress, Jo looking beautiful, Jo smiling as he spins her around, he doesn’t forget the steps and he doesn’t step on her feet either instead he pulls her closer as she wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him.
‘They sing from the heart.’ Dean hears Jo say and looks around for her, already knowing he won’t find her. He orders another five drinks and downs them all quickly one after the other in rapid succession. It doesn’t help stop his mind imagining Jo, it’s almost like her ghost is stalking him, he sees himself with her and his heart aches. Still he doesn’t want her ghost to leave so much as he wants to believe it was happening the way sees it in his mind.
“So Mrs Winchester...” he says and Jo throws her head back and laughs.
“Yeah I guess I’m stuck with you now.” she says. “Until death do us part and all that.”
Dean freezes instantly, he watches in horror as he and Jo on the dance floor are replaced with Sam and Amber, Kevin Cronin stops singing, to be replaced with some woman warbling on about rainbows and angels, it was how it was meant to be and yet it felt so wrong to him. Dean sighs, not even in his fantasies could he escape reality.
A bridesmaid corners him in the bathroom and presses herself against him, she’s drunk and she’s blonde and she’s pretty, Dean wills himself to believe it’s Jo, he moans her name and the bridesmaid pulls away and stares at him.
“It’s Linda.” She says and Dean shrugs.
“It doesn’t matter.” He tells her truthfully, Linda glares and leaves, Dean goes to the bar and orders another drink.
Amber throws the bouquet and Linda the bridesmaid catches it, screaming with excitement, Dean imagines Jo being the one to catch it.
“Look what I got.” she says swing the flowers from side to side.
“Guess we’re getting married then.” Dean smiles. Jo smiles and throws Linda the bridesmaid a look, smirking, victory, the bridesmaid glares and turns away.
“I totally kicked her ass to get this.” Jo informs him.
“I saw, very impressive.” Dean says. “And kinda hot.”
“Glad you enjoyed the show, she elbowed me in the ribs though, pretty hard too.” Jo admits rubbing her side slightly.
“I’ll kiss it better later.” Dean promises.
Dean imagines Jo being the one to throw it, tossing it over her head into the group of women and turning and laughing as they struggle for it, it’s knocked out of one woman’s hands and skids along the floor to stop at Sam’s feet, Sam picks it up and Jo laughs her ass off, Dean comes over and drapes an arm across her shoulders, Jo leans into him as his laughter joins hers and Sam comes over to them.
Sam & Amber cut the cake and everybody cheers, Dean imagines Jo in her white dress again and him in his tux, Dean imagines licking some frosting off her top lip just as she pushes cake into the side of his face and pulls away laughing. Amber dances with her father and Sam with Amber’s mother, Dean imagines dancing with Ellen, her giving him ‘the mother-in-law speech’ that ends with ‘and they’ll never find the body’ and him promising her that she’ll never have to buy a shovel on his behalf, he imagines Jo dancing with Sam and then they swap, Jo’s in his arms and she fits perfectly while Sam tries not to step on Ellen’s toes.
Another drink.
Jo laughs when Bobby starts a conga line on the dance floor and pulls him along to join at the end of it.
Another drink.
Jo whispers in his ear “I can’t wait for tonight” and Dean suggests not having to, maybe slipping off to find a closet somewhere, Jo nearly gives into the idea until Sam comes over and tells them the photographer’s ready. Dean tries not to kill his brother.
Another drink, he’s lost count by now.
The camera’s flash and Dean knows this will be the best picture he’ll ever take. Jo kisses him and he doesn’t even notice the flash that time, they’ll hang that picture on their wall.
Another drink.
Ellen and Bobby are dancing, Sam says something about them dating, Jo says she wouldn’t mind.
Another drink.
Sam hits it off with the bridesmaid, a friend of Jo’s from college, Dean and Jo tease and encourage him, Sam blushes pink with embarrassment.
Another drink.
Jo smiles “I think I’m going to like being married to you.”
Another drink.
He can still see Jo smiling in her wedding dress.
“Hey Dean how about just some water for now?” Sam suggests coming over to him at the bar.
“No thanks Sam.” Dean says ordering a beer, the bartender who looks at Sam, Sam shakes his head. Dean looks over at Sam.
“I think you’ve had enough.” Sam tells him sounding slightly disappointed.
“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough.” Dean says and turns back to the bartender, ordering for the second time, the bartender still looks over at Sam awkwardly.
“Don’t look at him look at me.” Dean demands pounding his fist on the bar. Sam sighs and the bartender walks away from the awkward situation. Dean doesn’t blame him.
“Fine don’t serve me.” Dean says turning and heading for the exit.
“Where are you going?” Sam asks.
“To a bar where I’ll actually get some service.” Dean says pushing through the double doors, Sam follows.
“Dean please stay.” Sam says. “I want you to stay.”
“I’m sorry Sam, I can’t.” Dean tells his brother and he sounds apologetic.
“Why not?” Sam asks honestly confused.
“Because I don’t belong here.” Dean says leaning against the wall behind him.
“Yes you do, of course you do, you’re my brother.” Sam tells him, Dean knows Sam wants him here and it makes him horrible but Dean doesn’t care.
“I know but I can’t be happy for you.” Dean says and it’s like a slap in the face to Sam, he even takes a small step backwards, Dean looks down and sighs.
“I’m sorry.” He says. “I’ve tried but I can’t, I just keep thinking about how things could be different.”
“Dean I know it’s hard but you’ve got move on.” Sam says.
“Is that what you’ve done?” Dean asks. Sam nods.
“Yes.”
“So you’ve left them all behind?” Dean asks. “You’ve moved on, just like that?”
“It wasn’t easy.” Sam begins but Dean cuts him off.
“What about Jess?” Dean asks, it’s low and he knows it.
“She’d want me to be happy.” Sam says. “Like Jo would want you to be, you’ll find someone new.”
“I don’t want anyone new.” Dean exclaims, he lowers his voice and whispers like a prayer. “I just want her.”
“Well you can’t have her Dean.” Sam says anger now, Dean can’t go one day without giving into his selfish ‘needs’ and drinking because he’s not getting what he wants. It was terrible yes for Dean to lose Jo but Sam had lost people too, he still tried to move on and tried to be there when his brother needed him. Today was the day he needed Sam and Dean couldn’t even give him more than a couple of hours sober.
“She’s gone and you have to move on.” Sam says, his voice softer now.
“Does Amber know everything about you?” Dean asks and it feels to Sam like he’s changing the subject but Dean knows exactly what he’s asking even if Sam doesn’t yet.
“She knows everything important.” Sam says.
“That’s not enough.” Dean tells his brother shaking his head.
“I love her.” Sam says and he means it.
“More than Jess?” Dean asks.
“It’s not the same.” Sam protests.
“So no.” Dean says drawing his own conclusions.
“I didn’t say that.” Sam says he’s in a no win situation.
“So tell me, if Jess was still alive would you be here? With Amber or would you be with Jess it you had the choice?” Dean asks.
“I don’t have that choice.” Sam says.
“You just answered my question.” Dean says.
“No I didn’t.” Sam says.
“Then answer it now, who do you love more, Jess or Amber?” Dean asks, the door opens and Amber edges herself carefully into the hall.
“Is everything ok?” she asks as she looks between the two of them.
“Everything’s fine.” Dean says as he looks at Sam, then he turns his head to Amber and says with a smile. “Sam was just about to tell me if he loves you more than Jess, I’m not sure if he’ll lie or not.”
Sam snaps and punches Dean hard in the face Dean falls back against the wall and slides down to sit on the floor.
“Oh my god!” Amber exclaims picking up her skirt and rushing forward.
“Damn it.” Sam exclaims in pain, shaking his hand.
“Son of a bitch.” Dean curses with a slight laugh as Amber comes to kneel beside him.
“Are you ok?” she asks reaching out to touch his face, Dean jerks himself away from her and pulls himself up.
“I’m fine.” Dean says wiping the blood from his mouth and smiling at Sam. “Because I would never settle for second best.”
Dean stands there and watches as his words hit them both hard, Sam knowing it would always be partly true and Amber pales as her biggest fear was voiced into the world. Dean is too drunk to feel too guilty.
“Get out.” Sam demands; his voice low and threatening, he can’t take any of Dean’s shit anymore, he’s had enough. Dean doesn’t even protest he just turns and walks away, leaving Sam to ice his knuckles and Amber to cry in the bathroom, trying not to ruin her makeup.
Dean doesn’t come back and Sam doesn’t go looking for him.