I'd Say She Was His Sister But She Doesn't Have His Nose
Title: I’d Say She Was His Sister But She Doesn’t Have His Nose
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Arthur/Morgana
Rating: M
Notes: title and lyrics taken from ‘Poke’ by Frightened Rabbit
maybe there is something that you know that i don’t
The day Uther declares magic punishable by death instead of imprisonment Morgana cries because she knows the path this decision has put them all on. Looking out the window she takes one last look at the peaceful Camelot and thinks of all the things to come, she’s so lost in her thoughts she doesn’t even notice Arthur enter her chambers until his arms slip around her waist and his chin comes to rest on her shoulder, she leans back against him and almost relaxes in the simple comfort of the gesture until she remembers the new path their destinies are on. She twists her head to him out of instinct then away to hide her tears but Arthur’s known she was upset since before he entered her room.
“It will be ok.” He says and turns her body from the window to face him, his hands rest either side of her waist, sitting just above her hips and he stares into her eyes. “Father will reconsider”
Morgana just shakes her head, “no he won’t and it will be terrible, oh Arthur Camelot will pay for this mistake and not just with its peoples’ lives but with wars that will tear it into pieces”
Arthur takes her face in his hands and wipes her tears away, he tries to take her worries with them but it doesn’t work “when i’m crowned we’ll fix this, we’ll rebuild whatever breaks from my father’s decisions.” Morgana closes her eyes and wills this to be true.
“We’ll make Camelot all it should be” Arthur says and he looks so damn hopeful, we, he means the two of them, that’s the way they’d always seen it, the way they thought it was meant to be. Arthur’s still talking and Morgana breaks her line of thought and tunes back in.
“When Father realises we have plans for Camelot, that we’re thinking of the country’s future... maybe when we tell him about us things will change” he says reminding Morgana of their plans to announce to Uther their intent of marriage, it should make her happy but it just makes Morgana cry harder because she’s seen their futures, tragic, painful, separate.
“We’ll make it better you and i” Arthur says pulling her close, Morgana rests her head against his chest and closes her eyes, she can feel his heartbeat run through her as he kisses her hair.
“Tomorrow will be better” he says and Morgana wants to believe but it’s the beginning of the end and she knows it, tomorrow might be better but the day after that will be worse.
we adopt a brand new language, communicate through pursed lips
It took three days but she gathered up her courage (or her cowardice) and forced herself to break his heart (and her own) and end things, she thinks maybe Arthur felt it coming because nothing was how it should be, every time he was near her she felt her heart clench and she had to stifle back a sob, every time she caught his gaze and saw the love he held for her she had to look away, every touch made her burn and she felt like she was dying. She tried to ignore what she saw (what she knew) and told herself that there was no destiny carved in stone (or no destiny at all) but every gesture had her mourning their relationship and the end that had yet to come. But then she did it and the end came and she was still mourning.
Arthur does his best to avoid her (which hurts more than it should) and Morgana herself does the same thing, it hurts to be near him and not with him, Arthur can’t even bring himself to look at her when he does all she can see is hurt and pain and betrayal, Morgana still feels like she’s dying.
In bed Morgana cries herself to sleep (but she doesn’t sleep so she just cries). Looking out the window she notices the moon, (big and round and bright) and hates that it looks beautiful when her world is ugly, tainted with the look on Arthur’s face when she told him they was over, (and when she lied by adding she didn’t love him). She doesn’t need to see the candle flickering down near the end of its wick to know it’s late, far past the time when Arthur would have visited, quietly sneaking out of his chambers and past the guards to slip through her door, into her bed and her arms. The guards, battling yawns and drooping eyelids, had changed, replaced with wide-eyed fresher versions of themselves and Morgana knew the first few hours would have the guards hyper sensitive to any noises that could echo out of her chambers to the castle halls. This time had usually been spent with Arthur waiting until it was safe for him to sneak back to his own chambers to be woken far too soon by Merlin and she herself by Gwen, bleary eyed and far too tired they’d face another day, both believing the lack of sleep had been worth it for the company they’d gained. Memories of their time together flooded her mind, (intertwined limbs, hushed voices, lips bitten to still their tongues, soft moans, roaming hands and blissful laughter smothered by each others’ mouths), they had been right, it had been worth it. Tonight though Morgana lays awake counting the seconds until she could stop stifling her sobs and simply cry like she needed too, having anyone hear her would bring more questions then she had answers to. Morgana tells herself she made the right choice, she tells herself it won’t hurt this much forever (the words sound like lies on her tongue and a bitter after taste stays in her mouth), the truth is Morgana still feels like she’s dying.
but like a drunken night it’s the best bits that are coloured in
Uther’s answer to the castle tension was to throw a party, and Morgana, as king’s ward, was expected to attend so she did. She hates this whole thing, the fake cheery smile she’s forced to wear, the music so joyful, the laughter of everyone around her, they were all so happy and she couldn’t stand to be around them anymore. She emptied her cup and drained it clean, she heads for the door but Uther catches her eye and gives her that look, Morgana sighs, she’s not ready for another fight, the last battle she fought weighed heavy on her soul and she’s got no energy for one with Uther about leaving a party early so she goes back to get another glass of wine and surveys the room. She sees Arthur playing his part of the crowned prince, playing it well. Her heart aches for him but she refuses to admit it. She sits in her chair, no longer interested in pretending she cares about the dull conversations around her and watches Arthur flit from girl to girl on the dance floor, she hates them all but she hates herself more because she had him and he loved her but she threw it all away. She glares at the newest maiden he takes to the floor and drinks from her latest cup of wine.
Another song, another girl, Arthur’s back to his same ways and Morgana, she can’t remember if she’d been like this before, she doesn’t like being like this now. She watches them turn and twirl and spin past the top table, Arthur’s smiling and Morgana feels cold despite the warm weather, she stands and leaves, not caring about the looks Uther gives her. Once she’s out of the ballroom she gathers her skirts and starts to run down the hall needing fresh air, the walls were closing in around her and her lungs were on fire. Outside she can breathe, but the weight of everything ties her down and she throws up in the bushes, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she washes her mouth out with water from the fountain nearby, kneeling on the floor leaning against the fountain she looks into the water and sees her reflection, she doesn’t like what she sees in the rippling surface, sees focuses on the stars behind her in the reflection until her tears fall and the ripples distort the image. She looks up to the stars and they look so beautiful, she looks to them for guidance but gets none as she feels everything leave her and starts to cries more, sobs racking her body. She doesn’t even hear him come up behind her.
“Are you ok?” He asks and she spins around, tears streaming down her face.
“Arthur, you startled me.” She exclaims as though she’s not crying and her heart’s not breaking, she stands and straightens, fixing her gown and hair and face.
“Why are you crying?” Arthur asks, Morgana tries to shove her way past him but he blocks her path won’t let her go.
“Go back to the ballroom Arthur.” Morgana says giving up on escaping and instead choosing to turn away from him.
“Morgana.” Her name sounds the same as it always did when it falls from his lips, something that was slowly healing breaks when she hears it again and she bites her lip and tries not to sob, glad to be facing away from him when it happens. But not for long because he turns her to him and Morgana doesn’t turn away again she just looks down at the pavers below her avoiding his gaze.
“Please.” He begs her and everything he wants is conveyed to her so simply through that one word because it’s everything she wants too, everything she can’t give her without sacrificing the country she can’t bear to one day watch burn.
“I can’t.” She tells him and her heart breaks again and because she likes to twist the knife in her chest she looks up at him.
“I have to go.” She says and tries again to leave but Arthur stops her, angrily Morgana hits his chest.
“Let me go Arthur.” She says. “Let me go!”
“I can’t.” Arthur says and admits the one thing he’s never said before. “I need you.”
Morgana tries her hardest to ignore it.
“You have enough pretty little things waiting in the ballroom.” she spits and pushes past him but Arthur grabs her by the arm and pulls her back to him. Months of no contact has worn her down and the wine makes her weak, or at least that’s what she tells herself when he kisses her roughly right there in the courtyard and she doesn’t pull away.
She lets herself forget about the visions of Camelot burning and moans as he bites her lip, she lets herself forget the pain she’s caused and the pain she will cause tomorrow because it will be a mistake but it’s a mistake she needs to make. She needs him.
They end up in his chambers, somewhere so familiar yet so strange, the party still in the ballroom long since forgotten. When he kisses her again the hole in her heart is filled, all the feelings she tried so hard to ignore and forget come rushing back to her. This is wrong for so many reasons but they can’t stop and the feelings can stay until morning.
you try not to put on any sexy clothes or graces
Months later and the tension only increased since the night they slept together and the morning she broke it all apart again. It hurt more than the first time, the numbness stays with her but she’s gotten used to only taking shallow breathes, her lungs aren’t used to so much oxygen anymore, in and out, her breathes are always shallow, to breathe in too deeply and not breathe him in hurts her, so shallow breathes are how she survives. Morgana stops wearing the fancy clothes being a king’s ward affords her, she dresses in the most simplest of dresses, no make-up on her face, no jewels adorn her anywhere, she seems thinner and the spark has lost her eyes but fire burns in Arthur’s, he’s so angry he doesn’t notice or at least he tells himself not to notice, it doesn’t work so well. Above all she is - king’s ward, orphaned daughter of a war lord and his wife, seer - she is just another human and she is weak when it comes to him no matter how hard she tries to be strong, even with prophetic dreams and visions of the future Morgana is still a woman, still made of bone and flesh and blood that pumps from a now broken heart because it will always belong to him. Sometimes she wishes she’d never given it to him because to have lost it hurts too much, there’s an empty space inside her, he has her heart, all of it, and sometimes she wishes he’d give a piece back because she has nothing left to give to anyone, worthy of it or not. Then again she has no one else to give it to. No one but Arthur and he already has it.
if you don’t want to be with me just say & i will go
It happens again, another dark night another charade of a good time playing out in the ballroom and for once she tells him when she’s jealous and he just laughs at her and tells her if she hadn’t broken his heart, twice, he wouldn’t be looking at anyone but her but since she did he can’t bear to look at her so he doesn’t. He’s telling her the truth - everything that’s happened, all the pain they both feel - it’s all her fault. But this time she doesn’t let him go, she grabs his arm and pulls him back to her and he crashes into her, taking her by surprise and taking her in his arms again, nothing about this night, the first time, is gentle, they’re rough and they leave marks against each other’s skin, claiming each other again for the first time in such a painfully long time and it’s ok because they both need it. the feelings are back again and Morgana wonders if they ever truly left her but Arthur’s tongue is in her mouth and all thoughts leave her head. The feelings can stay wherever they want until morning. Always only until morning.
But morning comes like it always does and this time when Morgana leaves she doesn’t come back - not to Arthur’s cambers, not to the castle and not to Camelot - but the feelings, the feelings always stay, they never really left and they never really will. The feelings always stay. Always.
we can mourn it’s passing & then bury it in the snow
She wasn’t planning on going back to Camelot, ever, not even when she’d heard about Uther’s death, she’d cried of course, no matter what he’d become he had been the closest thing to a father she’d had after her own was murdered, he’d changed later but there were years that he was everything he could have been to her, and even after that he’d given her food and shelter and hadn’t married her off to form alliances. She’d cried for him but she hadn’t planned on going back for the funeral but then came the message from Arthur, not just from Arthur but from Arthur Pendragon, Crowned Prince of Camelot, Heir to the Throne, the Arthur that was soon to be king. He’d requested her presence back in Camelot to mourn for his father. She couldn’t say no. She didn’t want to say no.
It had been three years since she’d left Camelot, she knew it well having counted each day, some days being away from Arthur made the pain lesson, fade but not disappear, not quite, it would never disappear, she knew that, other days though the pain didn’t lesson, didn’t fade, instead it flared and burnt her more than ever, but she’d made her choices, no matter the consequences, her choices made and the consequences fell to her, she’d done what she’d done and she couldn’t change it, not even if she had the chance.
The funeral was simple, as simple as it could be for a king, Morgana tried to remember the good times but all she could see was the day he ruined everything because of his fear and ignorance because if he hadn’t, if only he hadn’t been so afraid and so unwilling to learn, if he’d hadn’t been so quick to declare magic punishable by death everything would have been different. That day changed everything and everything changed because of that day. There was no escaping the fate they had been given for the choices they all made. Uther had died like she knew he would, a poisonous snake bite to the wrist, it had been painful, like she knew it would be and Arthur and his men had found the ones responsible and dealt with them, like she’d seen them do. Everything was happening just as she knew it would. It started to snow when they stood at the grave and buried the body, she knew it would, she wore an extra cloak because of it, Arthur hadn’t and she saw him shiver. She wanted more than anything to reach out for him but she stopped herself, he would pull away if she did, she didn’t have to have dreamt that to know it. Her hands, fingers cold and numb, stayed at her sides as tears, little drops of ice slid down her face, she saw Arthur’s shoulders shake as he sobbed in a quiet manly way that was befitting of the new king mourning his predecessor, later she knows she’ll see the son mourning his father, she’s seen it before but she doesn’t yet know if he’ll know she’s there.
When the time comes she finds that he doesn’t, at first, she changes that by choice and enters the room, Arthur looks up ready to yell at whoever he thought it was, probably Merlin, for disturbing him but when he sees her he softens and lets her take him her arms as he cries again. She’s surprised but welcomes the contact and the meaning behind it. Later, the moon is high and neither of them are crying anymore, they’re not holding each other anymore, just sitting together in silence, for a while it was comfortable until the weight of what they’d been and everything that went along with it and him and them came down on her and she shifted, ready to leave. Arthur seemed to sense it.
“Don’t go.” He tells her, his voice low and broken, and she stays, because she never did do what she was supposed to, especially not when it came to him.
“I won’t.” She says. “Not yet.”
“Don’t go.” He repeats knowing what her last two words mean and wanting to hear her say she’s staying for more than just a night but Morgana doesn’t answer. She can’t bear to lie to him, not now.
it's got lots to do with magnets & the pull of the moon
Once she’d returned she couldn’t stay away, it was hard enough the first time but now, she can’t do it, she’s not that strong, she never has been, especially not when it comes to him. So she crumbles and returns almost whenever he asks, she refuses to come whenever he calls, she has some dignity and if not that sometimes she knows if she goes she won’t leave again and that’s the last thing she can afford to do. She tells herself he has enough pretty little maidens and serving women waiting on him hand and foot, she doesn’t yet know how true that is but soon enough she will. Not now though.
Over and over again they fall into each others’ arms and Arthur’s waiting bed, each morning after Morgana leaves. She has to. Arthur’s caught onto that by now and sometimes he tries to extend her stay, she doesn’t mind but she wants him just as much as he wants her and they always fall into each other again and their old patterns at some point, with an hour, within a week, they always do and once they do it’s over again because Morgana can’t stay no matter how much it breaks their hearts.
No matter how much she tries to stay away she never can and he doesn’t want her too, no matter how much he tries he can’t stop himself and they end up in bed together she wants it too but she’ll always pull away, he knows it, she’ll always come back, he knows that too. There’s something that draws them into each other, that keeps them both together and apart and it’s deep in their souls that keeps them orbiting around each other and constantly pulling together, it’s magnetic whatever it is that ties their souls together, they can’t fight it and most of the time they don’t try. Their cycle doesn’t break because they need each other.
we can change our partners this is a progressive dance
He sends a formal invitation to her, a strange occurrence because he knows she doesn’t like to be in Camelot for any other reason but him but she goes, in the only fine dress she still owns. There’s something wrong about tonight, she can feel it, something she hasn’t seen, the cloudy part of her dreams. She smiles when she ought to because she doesn’t want to offend these people, it would only hurt Arthur. But Arthur doesn’t seem to mind she lets her mouth run with her wit high, in fact he just laughs and steers her around the room, almost showing her off. She talks with Merlin mostly and Lancelot too, she almost doesn’t recognise Gwen until she sees her dancing with Arthur and smiling as bright as she can, Morgana feels something settle in the pit of her stomach, tonight is not what she expected for so many reasons. Lancelot asks her to dance and Morgana accepts, she tells herself it’s not just to spite Arthur in some petty trivial way, she shouldn’t care what he does or who he doesn’t with because she never even stays the next morning. Still she makes sure to laugh loudly at any joke Lancelot attempts and it draws the attention she expects - everyone in the room looks.
She slips away later on in the evening and Gwen finds her, gushing happily about her romance with Arthur and filling her in on what she’s missed, Morgana acts every bit the best friend she once was but her smile is hollow and doesn’t reach her eyes, inside her something breaks slowly with every detail Gwen gives that Morgana never asked for.
Arthur finds her later, the guests have all gone home and she’s still on the balcony unmoved from where Gwen left her.
“So this is where you’ve been hiding?” he says and comes up beside her.
“Why did you ask me here tonight?” she asks.
“To see if you would come.” Arthur says simple and it was that simple. “I wanted you here.”
“Why? So i could see you with Gwen?” Morgana asks turning to him, her eyes watery no matter how hard she wishes they weren’t.
“I’m not with Gwen, not like that.” Arthur protests. “It was stupid but i kissed her once, after you refused to come to see me but i meant nothing.”
“She’s in love with you.” Morgana tells him.
“And i with you.” Arthur says. “I always have been, not even this dance we’ve done for years can change that.”
“Something will.” Morgana says, the cloudy something from her dreams cleared while Gwen was talking, she saw everything.
“I don’t understand why it’s like this.” He tells her. “Or why you say it has to stay this way but i don’t care because one night with you is worth more than a hundred with any other.”
“Gwen loves you.” Morgana says again Arthur shrugs. “You need a queen Arthur.”
“I want you.” he says and Morgana shakes her head.
“Gwen loves you.” she repeats willing him to understand, Gwen will be good to him better than Morgana ever could now.
“You’re leaving.” He says and by now it’s no longer a question.
“Not yet.” Morgana tells him, no longer wanting to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice for a country that doesn’t even care and for someone who wishes she wouldn’t.
“I’m not leaving yet.” She says and it’s more of a promise than she’s ever given him before.
“You need a queen.” She says trying to stay level headed. But she doesn’t want to push him towards Gwen, she wants to hold him tighter than she ever has and he knows this.
“Not yet.” He says and kisses her, leading her to his chambers, he holds her as close as he can because he knows as soon as he lets go she’ll leave. She kisses him goodbye, something she just doesn’t do and she leaves before the sun rises.
but remember it was me who dragged you up to the sweaty floor
Morgana of course is invited to the wedding, she arrives the day after apologising profusely but Arthur saw her at the wedding, in the back of the room, he saw her close her eyes and try not to cry when he said ‘i do’ and it broke his heart. It’s an awkward and Morgana leaves a day early than expected but Arthur knew she would, she’d always been the more level headed one, the calmer of the two, she’d always been able to keep most emotions in check but everyone has their breaking point and Arthur hates to see Morgana reach hers but he does, it’s over breakfast and nothing in particular he just sees the light in her eyes dim and she says she has to be getting back. She gives no other explanations, just excuses herself before her tears can fall. Gwen doesn’t even notice. Arthur wants to run after her but the ring on his is weighing him down, just when he thinks it can’t get any worse he remembers.
Morgana had him pinned against the hard ground, she was straddling his waist and holding his arms down, he turned his head to the left and saw his sword out of reach, Morgana smirked.
“Just say it.” she said but he doesn’t say anything. Morgana rolled her eyes.
“Arthur i won, without a sword even.” She said and that was true, once she stripped him of his weapon she dropped hers and still managed to beat him, it was utterly embarrassing. He looked up at her and she was beautiful.
“Oh come on just give in.” Morgana demanded pressing her weight down harder against him, in this position Arthur couldn’t think straight.
“Say it.” Morgana said smirking.
“I love you.” Arthur admitted, they’d been dancing around this for months. Morgana’s eyes widened and she scrambled off him and jumped to her feet. Slowly Arthur stood to.
“Why did you say that?” she asked.
“Because it’s true.” Arthur said. “You said to say.”
“I meant you should surrender.” Morgana huffed.
“I am. I’m giving in, Morgana i love you.” Arthur said strangely calm for the situation. Morgana turned and went to storm off but Arthur grabbed her and spun her around.
“Arthur what are you-” Morgana began but didn’t have a chance to finish, the rest of her words were lost to Arthur’s lips as he kissed her, after a second Morgana surrendered as well and kissed him back.
Arthur sighed as Morgana's skirts turned the corner. Gwen was kind and she had a good heart but this marriage was just a convenience for him, he needed a queen and Gwen was a friend but Morgana was right unfortunately, Gwen loved him. But that would never mean he loved her, not in any truly meaningful way because for as long as he would always love Morgana there could never be room for anyone else.
but i hate when i feel like this & i never hated you
“Morgana please.” Arthur says, it’s been years since they’ve been together; she stopped answering him long ago, she never gave a reason and Arthur didn’t ask, he was afraid to hear she’d found another or simply stopped loving him. But the truth was she’d seen this, all of it, Gwen’s betrayal with Lancelot and she couldn’t stand to be near them and be so angry for something they’d yet to have done. She’s long since given into Morgause, without Arthur to keep her both weak and strong she was only weak and she didn’t care, her principles had long since been forgotten when she realised how easy it was to be a hypocrite, she understood Uther more now, so many years after his death and she wonders if he knows that wherever he is.
“Why did you bring me here Arthur?” Morgana asks, her eyes dark and her voice hard but he can still see through her anger and know when she’s scared.
“Come back.” He says and Morgana just shakes her head.
“It’s too late now.” She says.
“Not for us.” Arthur tells her, so full of hope, she can see that same young man he was once who promised that together they’d make Camelot great. That man seems like a boy compared to Arthur now, so much has happened between them and Morgana feels the need to tell him, if not to clear her conscience then to show him just how bad she is for him.
“Why do you want me back?” she asks.
“Because you’re all i’ve ever wanted.” Arthur tells her and Morgana’s heart breaks, for the eighty seventh time in her life.
“Oh but Arthur you must hate me.” She says.
“I could never.” Arthur begins to protest.
“You will.” Morgana says. “Because of all the things i’ve done to you i’ve done worse you’ve never known.”
“So tell me, nothing will ever make me hate you.” Arthur says and Morgana wants more than anything to be able to rewind time but time marches on.
“You have a son.” Morgana whispers and once the words leave her she feels empty. Arthur just stares.
“He’s 14 and with my half sister from my father’s side, Morgause.” Morgana explains and in a rush is quick to tell him everything, kneeling in front of him clutching at him now wanting nothing more than what he did minutes before. To stay.
“We have a son?” Arthur half asks her and Morgana nods, she’s crying.
“I’m so sorry i kept it from you but Arthur please.” She sobs, Arthur shifts and Morgana’s afraid he’ll push her away, instead he pulls her closer, takes her in his arms and hugs her.
“I would like to meet him.” Arthur says once she’s calmed, Morgana pulls back from his chest to look at him.
“You’re not mad at me?” she asks.
“I’m not anything that will keep me from you.” Arthur says. “Whatever you’ve done was obviously what you thought was best, when you weren’t with me you were with him yes?” Morgana nods.
“Is that why you could never stay with me?” he asks.
“Partly.” Morgana says and sighs.
“And the other reasons?” Arthur asks.
“I dreamt Camelot would burn if i stayed with you.” Morgana says. “I did what was best for the country.”
“Like a true queen should.” Arthur says and kisses her. “Camelot need not burn. It has a king, its rightful queen and their heir.”
there’s one thing we’ve got going & it’s the only thing worth knowing
Morgana’s never smiled as much as she is at this moment, Mordred at her side as they enter the throne room, Arthur sees them and stands, beaming, he walks down the few steps and along the red carpet to meet them.
“Mordred this is Arthur, you’re father.” Morgana says her voice sounds so floaty and happy that she hardly recognises herself, she hasn’t been this happy since before, just before.
“Hello sir.” Mordred says stiffly and Morgana wonders what’s wrong, he’s been acting different since she told him they were going to Camelot to live as a family with Arthur, she brushes it off though, maybe he’s nervous.
“I’m so pleased to finally meet you.” Arthur said still beaming.
“Are they your swords?” Mordred asks having caught sight of the weapons on a nearby table.
“Yes, please feel free.” Arthur says eager to impress, Mordred nods, with one last look at the two of them he leaves, there’s something in his eyes Morgana thinks but all too soon forgets it when Arthurs’ arms slip around her and she leans back so naturally as they watch their son admire the swords. Morgana feels like everything is finally the way it should be until it all happens so fast.
Morgause appears and suddenly Mordred levitates each of the three of Arthurs swords he’d been admiring and runs them through Arthur, Morgana screams in horror, how could this all have gone so wrong. She drops to the floor at Arthur’s side sobbing.
“Why?” she asks her son, their son. How could he have done this? Mordred looks at her, that same something that had been in his eyes and voice for days was now all over his face.
“I did what needed to be done. You were too weak to stand up to him.” he said and Morgana feels her heart stop as Morgause laughs, Mordred joins in but then there’s a flash of light and Mordred’s laughter stops, he falls dead to the floor as Arthur lays dying in her arms and her sister watches it all with a smirk on her face.
“Morgause why?” she asks tears streaming down her face as she starred up at her sister, half-sister on her father’s side. “Why?”
“Because you wouldn’t.” Morgause grins circling the pair.
“Arthur wasn’t like Uther, he didn’t ban magic, he didn’t kill innocents, he is a good king and a better man.” Morgana says all her pain and all her angry right there, just below the surface like always.
“Because someone has to die, someone always has to die.” Morgause laughs manically. Morgana looked at her son, dead the second Morgause’s power touched him and her love, dying in her arms. Everything pushed through the surface and Morgana used her powers, something she’d never done, only letting the dreams stay because she couldn’t get rid of them. Morgause fell to the ground and Morgana fells some satisfaction, she moves Arthur without touching him and doesn’t look at her son, she knows it’s her fault it ended like this but there’s nothing she can do for him. She wasn’t ready to be a mother, not without Arthur helping her. The only thing she can do now is try and save Arthur.
“Morgana.” Arthur gasps as he lays in the boat and she pushes it off from the shore.
“It’s ok, save your strength, it’s ok.” Morgana tells him soothingly.
“Morgana i love you.” Arthur tells her.
“You’re going to be ok.” Morgana says wiping her tears as she wills the boat faster.
“Tell me... tell me... you love... me too.” Arthur says and Morgana leans down and kisses him.
“I do, i’ve never stopped.” She says. “We will be together, we will be ok.”
Morgana gets them to Avalon and uses magic to seal them safely from outside world, it’s just the two of them now and prays it’s not too late for that.
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Arthur/Morgana
Rating: M
Notes: title and lyrics taken from ‘Poke’ by Frightened Rabbit
maybe there is something that you know that i don’t
The day Uther declares magic punishable by death instead of imprisonment Morgana cries because she knows the path this decision has put them all on. Looking out the window she takes one last look at the peaceful Camelot and thinks of all the things to come, she’s so lost in her thoughts she doesn’t even notice Arthur enter her chambers until his arms slip around her waist and his chin comes to rest on her shoulder, she leans back against him and almost relaxes in the simple comfort of the gesture until she remembers the new path their destinies are on. She twists her head to him out of instinct then away to hide her tears but Arthur’s known she was upset since before he entered her room.
“It will be ok.” He says and turns her body from the window to face him, his hands rest either side of her waist, sitting just above her hips and he stares into her eyes. “Father will reconsider”
Morgana just shakes her head, “no he won’t and it will be terrible, oh Arthur Camelot will pay for this mistake and not just with its peoples’ lives but with wars that will tear it into pieces”
Arthur takes her face in his hands and wipes her tears away, he tries to take her worries with them but it doesn’t work “when i’m crowned we’ll fix this, we’ll rebuild whatever breaks from my father’s decisions.” Morgana closes her eyes and wills this to be true.
“We’ll make Camelot all it should be” Arthur says and he looks so damn hopeful, we, he means the two of them, that’s the way they’d always seen it, the way they thought it was meant to be. Arthur’s still talking and Morgana breaks her line of thought and tunes back in.
“When Father realises we have plans for Camelot, that we’re thinking of the country’s future... maybe when we tell him about us things will change” he says reminding Morgana of their plans to announce to Uther their intent of marriage, it should make her happy but it just makes Morgana cry harder because she’s seen their futures, tragic, painful, separate.
“We’ll make it better you and i” Arthur says pulling her close, Morgana rests her head against his chest and closes her eyes, she can feel his heartbeat run through her as he kisses her hair.
“Tomorrow will be better” he says and Morgana wants to believe but it’s the beginning of the end and she knows it, tomorrow might be better but the day after that will be worse.
we adopt a brand new language, communicate through pursed lips
It took three days but she gathered up her courage (or her cowardice) and forced herself to break his heart (and her own) and end things, she thinks maybe Arthur felt it coming because nothing was how it should be, every time he was near her she felt her heart clench and she had to stifle back a sob, every time she caught his gaze and saw the love he held for her she had to look away, every touch made her burn and she felt like she was dying. She tried to ignore what she saw (what she knew) and told herself that there was no destiny carved in stone (or no destiny at all) but every gesture had her mourning their relationship and the end that had yet to come. But then she did it and the end came and she was still mourning.
Arthur does his best to avoid her (which hurts more than it should) and Morgana herself does the same thing, it hurts to be near him and not with him, Arthur can’t even bring himself to look at her when he does all she can see is hurt and pain and betrayal, Morgana still feels like she’s dying.
In bed Morgana cries herself to sleep (but she doesn’t sleep so she just cries). Looking out the window she notices the moon, (big and round and bright) and hates that it looks beautiful when her world is ugly, tainted with the look on Arthur’s face when she told him they was over, (and when she lied by adding she didn’t love him). She doesn’t need to see the candle flickering down near the end of its wick to know it’s late, far past the time when Arthur would have visited, quietly sneaking out of his chambers and past the guards to slip through her door, into her bed and her arms. The guards, battling yawns and drooping eyelids, had changed, replaced with wide-eyed fresher versions of themselves and Morgana knew the first few hours would have the guards hyper sensitive to any noises that could echo out of her chambers to the castle halls. This time had usually been spent with Arthur waiting until it was safe for him to sneak back to his own chambers to be woken far too soon by Merlin and she herself by Gwen, bleary eyed and far too tired they’d face another day, both believing the lack of sleep had been worth it for the company they’d gained. Memories of their time together flooded her mind, (intertwined limbs, hushed voices, lips bitten to still their tongues, soft moans, roaming hands and blissful laughter smothered by each others’ mouths), they had been right, it had been worth it. Tonight though Morgana lays awake counting the seconds until she could stop stifling her sobs and simply cry like she needed too, having anyone hear her would bring more questions then she had answers to. Morgana tells herself she made the right choice, she tells herself it won’t hurt this much forever (the words sound like lies on her tongue and a bitter after taste stays in her mouth), the truth is Morgana still feels like she’s dying.
but like a drunken night it’s the best bits that are coloured in
Uther’s answer to the castle tension was to throw a party, and Morgana, as king’s ward, was expected to attend so she did. She hates this whole thing, the fake cheery smile she’s forced to wear, the music so joyful, the laughter of everyone around her, they were all so happy and she couldn’t stand to be around them anymore. She emptied her cup and drained it clean, she heads for the door but Uther catches her eye and gives her that look, Morgana sighs, she’s not ready for another fight, the last battle she fought weighed heavy on her soul and she’s got no energy for one with Uther about leaving a party early so she goes back to get another glass of wine and surveys the room. She sees Arthur playing his part of the crowned prince, playing it well. Her heart aches for him but she refuses to admit it. She sits in her chair, no longer interested in pretending she cares about the dull conversations around her and watches Arthur flit from girl to girl on the dance floor, she hates them all but she hates herself more because she had him and he loved her but she threw it all away. She glares at the newest maiden he takes to the floor and drinks from her latest cup of wine.
Another song, another girl, Arthur’s back to his same ways and Morgana, she can’t remember if she’d been like this before, she doesn’t like being like this now. She watches them turn and twirl and spin past the top table, Arthur’s smiling and Morgana feels cold despite the warm weather, she stands and leaves, not caring about the looks Uther gives her. Once she’s out of the ballroom she gathers her skirts and starts to run down the hall needing fresh air, the walls were closing in around her and her lungs were on fire. Outside she can breathe, but the weight of everything ties her down and she throws up in the bushes, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she washes her mouth out with water from the fountain nearby, kneeling on the floor leaning against the fountain she looks into the water and sees her reflection, she doesn’t like what she sees in the rippling surface, sees focuses on the stars behind her in the reflection until her tears fall and the ripples distort the image. She looks up to the stars and they look so beautiful, she looks to them for guidance but gets none as she feels everything leave her and starts to cries more, sobs racking her body. She doesn’t even hear him come up behind her.
“Are you ok?” He asks and she spins around, tears streaming down her face.
“Arthur, you startled me.” She exclaims as though she’s not crying and her heart’s not breaking, she stands and straightens, fixing her gown and hair and face.
“Why are you crying?” Arthur asks, Morgana tries to shove her way past him but he blocks her path won’t let her go.
“Go back to the ballroom Arthur.” Morgana says giving up on escaping and instead choosing to turn away from him.
“Morgana.” Her name sounds the same as it always did when it falls from his lips, something that was slowly healing breaks when she hears it again and she bites her lip and tries not to sob, glad to be facing away from him when it happens. But not for long because he turns her to him and Morgana doesn’t turn away again she just looks down at the pavers below her avoiding his gaze.
“Please.” He begs her and everything he wants is conveyed to her so simply through that one word because it’s everything she wants too, everything she can’t give her without sacrificing the country she can’t bear to one day watch burn.
“I can’t.” She tells him and her heart breaks again and because she likes to twist the knife in her chest she looks up at him.
“I have to go.” She says and tries again to leave but Arthur stops her, angrily Morgana hits his chest.
“Let me go Arthur.” She says. “Let me go!”
“I can’t.” Arthur says and admits the one thing he’s never said before. “I need you.”
Morgana tries her hardest to ignore it.
“You have enough pretty little things waiting in the ballroom.” she spits and pushes past him but Arthur grabs her by the arm and pulls her back to him. Months of no contact has worn her down and the wine makes her weak, or at least that’s what she tells herself when he kisses her roughly right there in the courtyard and she doesn’t pull away.
She lets herself forget about the visions of Camelot burning and moans as he bites her lip, she lets herself forget the pain she’s caused and the pain she will cause tomorrow because it will be a mistake but it’s a mistake she needs to make. She needs him.
They end up in his chambers, somewhere so familiar yet so strange, the party still in the ballroom long since forgotten. When he kisses her again the hole in her heart is filled, all the feelings she tried so hard to ignore and forget come rushing back to her. This is wrong for so many reasons but they can’t stop and the feelings can stay until morning.
you try not to put on any sexy clothes or graces
Months later and the tension only increased since the night they slept together and the morning she broke it all apart again. It hurt more than the first time, the numbness stays with her but she’s gotten used to only taking shallow breathes, her lungs aren’t used to so much oxygen anymore, in and out, her breathes are always shallow, to breathe in too deeply and not breathe him in hurts her, so shallow breathes are how she survives. Morgana stops wearing the fancy clothes being a king’s ward affords her, she dresses in the most simplest of dresses, no make-up on her face, no jewels adorn her anywhere, she seems thinner and the spark has lost her eyes but fire burns in Arthur’s, he’s so angry he doesn’t notice or at least he tells himself not to notice, it doesn’t work so well. Above all she is - king’s ward, orphaned daughter of a war lord and his wife, seer - she is just another human and she is weak when it comes to him no matter how hard she tries to be strong, even with prophetic dreams and visions of the future Morgana is still a woman, still made of bone and flesh and blood that pumps from a now broken heart because it will always belong to him. Sometimes she wishes she’d never given it to him because to have lost it hurts too much, there’s an empty space inside her, he has her heart, all of it, and sometimes she wishes he’d give a piece back because she has nothing left to give to anyone, worthy of it or not. Then again she has no one else to give it to. No one but Arthur and he already has it.
if you don’t want to be with me just say & i will go
It happens again, another dark night another charade of a good time playing out in the ballroom and for once she tells him when she’s jealous and he just laughs at her and tells her if she hadn’t broken his heart, twice, he wouldn’t be looking at anyone but her but since she did he can’t bear to look at her so he doesn’t. He’s telling her the truth - everything that’s happened, all the pain they both feel - it’s all her fault. But this time she doesn’t let him go, she grabs his arm and pulls him back to her and he crashes into her, taking her by surprise and taking her in his arms again, nothing about this night, the first time, is gentle, they’re rough and they leave marks against each other’s skin, claiming each other again for the first time in such a painfully long time and it’s ok because they both need it. the feelings are back again and Morgana wonders if they ever truly left her but Arthur’s tongue is in her mouth and all thoughts leave her head. The feelings can stay wherever they want until morning. Always only until morning.
But morning comes like it always does and this time when Morgana leaves she doesn’t come back - not to Arthur’s cambers, not to the castle and not to Camelot - but the feelings, the feelings always stay, they never really left and they never really will. The feelings always stay. Always.
we can mourn it’s passing & then bury it in the snow
She wasn’t planning on going back to Camelot, ever, not even when she’d heard about Uther’s death, she’d cried of course, no matter what he’d become he had been the closest thing to a father she’d had after her own was murdered, he’d changed later but there were years that he was everything he could have been to her, and even after that he’d given her food and shelter and hadn’t married her off to form alliances. She’d cried for him but she hadn’t planned on going back for the funeral but then came the message from Arthur, not just from Arthur but from Arthur Pendragon, Crowned Prince of Camelot, Heir to the Throne, the Arthur that was soon to be king. He’d requested her presence back in Camelot to mourn for his father. She couldn’t say no. She didn’t want to say no.
It had been three years since she’d left Camelot, she knew it well having counted each day, some days being away from Arthur made the pain lesson, fade but not disappear, not quite, it would never disappear, she knew that, other days though the pain didn’t lesson, didn’t fade, instead it flared and burnt her more than ever, but she’d made her choices, no matter the consequences, her choices made and the consequences fell to her, she’d done what she’d done and she couldn’t change it, not even if she had the chance.
The funeral was simple, as simple as it could be for a king, Morgana tried to remember the good times but all she could see was the day he ruined everything because of his fear and ignorance because if he hadn’t, if only he hadn’t been so afraid and so unwilling to learn, if he’d hadn’t been so quick to declare magic punishable by death everything would have been different. That day changed everything and everything changed because of that day. There was no escaping the fate they had been given for the choices they all made. Uther had died like she knew he would, a poisonous snake bite to the wrist, it had been painful, like she knew it would be and Arthur and his men had found the ones responsible and dealt with them, like she’d seen them do. Everything was happening just as she knew it would. It started to snow when they stood at the grave and buried the body, she knew it would, she wore an extra cloak because of it, Arthur hadn’t and she saw him shiver. She wanted more than anything to reach out for him but she stopped herself, he would pull away if she did, she didn’t have to have dreamt that to know it. Her hands, fingers cold and numb, stayed at her sides as tears, little drops of ice slid down her face, she saw Arthur’s shoulders shake as he sobbed in a quiet manly way that was befitting of the new king mourning his predecessor, later she knows she’ll see the son mourning his father, she’s seen it before but she doesn’t yet know if he’ll know she’s there.
When the time comes she finds that he doesn’t, at first, she changes that by choice and enters the room, Arthur looks up ready to yell at whoever he thought it was, probably Merlin, for disturbing him but when he sees her he softens and lets her take him her arms as he cries again. She’s surprised but welcomes the contact and the meaning behind it. Later, the moon is high and neither of them are crying anymore, they’re not holding each other anymore, just sitting together in silence, for a while it was comfortable until the weight of what they’d been and everything that went along with it and him and them came down on her and she shifted, ready to leave. Arthur seemed to sense it.
“Don’t go.” He tells her, his voice low and broken, and she stays, because she never did do what she was supposed to, especially not when it came to him.
“I won’t.” She says. “Not yet.”
“Don’t go.” He repeats knowing what her last two words mean and wanting to hear her say she’s staying for more than just a night but Morgana doesn’t answer. She can’t bear to lie to him, not now.
it's got lots to do with magnets & the pull of the moon
Once she’d returned she couldn’t stay away, it was hard enough the first time but now, she can’t do it, she’s not that strong, she never has been, especially not when it comes to him. So she crumbles and returns almost whenever he asks, she refuses to come whenever he calls, she has some dignity and if not that sometimes she knows if she goes she won’t leave again and that’s the last thing she can afford to do. She tells herself he has enough pretty little maidens and serving women waiting on him hand and foot, she doesn’t yet know how true that is but soon enough she will. Not now though.
Over and over again they fall into each others’ arms and Arthur’s waiting bed, each morning after Morgana leaves. She has to. Arthur’s caught onto that by now and sometimes he tries to extend her stay, she doesn’t mind but she wants him just as much as he wants her and they always fall into each other again and their old patterns at some point, with an hour, within a week, they always do and once they do it’s over again because Morgana can’t stay no matter how much it breaks their hearts.
No matter how much she tries to stay away she never can and he doesn’t want her too, no matter how much he tries he can’t stop himself and they end up in bed together she wants it too but she’ll always pull away, he knows it, she’ll always come back, he knows that too. There’s something that draws them into each other, that keeps them both together and apart and it’s deep in their souls that keeps them orbiting around each other and constantly pulling together, it’s magnetic whatever it is that ties their souls together, they can’t fight it and most of the time they don’t try. Their cycle doesn’t break because they need each other.
we can change our partners this is a progressive dance
He sends a formal invitation to her, a strange occurrence because he knows she doesn’t like to be in Camelot for any other reason but him but she goes, in the only fine dress she still owns. There’s something wrong about tonight, she can feel it, something she hasn’t seen, the cloudy part of her dreams. She smiles when she ought to because she doesn’t want to offend these people, it would only hurt Arthur. But Arthur doesn’t seem to mind she lets her mouth run with her wit high, in fact he just laughs and steers her around the room, almost showing her off. She talks with Merlin mostly and Lancelot too, she almost doesn’t recognise Gwen until she sees her dancing with Arthur and smiling as bright as she can, Morgana feels something settle in the pit of her stomach, tonight is not what she expected for so many reasons. Lancelot asks her to dance and Morgana accepts, she tells herself it’s not just to spite Arthur in some petty trivial way, she shouldn’t care what he does or who he doesn’t with because she never even stays the next morning. Still she makes sure to laugh loudly at any joke Lancelot attempts and it draws the attention she expects - everyone in the room looks.
She slips away later on in the evening and Gwen finds her, gushing happily about her romance with Arthur and filling her in on what she’s missed, Morgana acts every bit the best friend she once was but her smile is hollow and doesn’t reach her eyes, inside her something breaks slowly with every detail Gwen gives that Morgana never asked for.
Arthur finds her later, the guests have all gone home and she’s still on the balcony unmoved from where Gwen left her.
“So this is where you’ve been hiding?” he says and comes up beside her.
“Why did you ask me here tonight?” she asks.
“To see if you would come.” Arthur says simple and it was that simple. “I wanted you here.”
“Why? So i could see you with Gwen?” Morgana asks turning to him, her eyes watery no matter how hard she wishes they weren’t.
“I’m not with Gwen, not like that.” Arthur protests. “It was stupid but i kissed her once, after you refused to come to see me but i meant nothing.”
“She’s in love with you.” Morgana tells him.
“And i with you.” Arthur says. “I always have been, not even this dance we’ve done for years can change that.”
“Something will.” Morgana says, the cloudy something from her dreams cleared while Gwen was talking, she saw everything.
“I don’t understand why it’s like this.” He tells her. “Or why you say it has to stay this way but i don’t care because one night with you is worth more than a hundred with any other.”
“Gwen loves you.” Morgana says again Arthur shrugs. “You need a queen Arthur.”
“I want you.” he says and Morgana shakes her head.
“Gwen loves you.” she repeats willing him to understand, Gwen will be good to him better than Morgana ever could now.
“You’re leaving.” He says and by now it’s no longer a question.
“Not yet.” Morgana tells him, no longer wanting to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice for a country that doesn’t even care and for someone who wishes she wouldn’t.
“I’m not leaving yet.” She says and it’s more of a promise than she’s ever given him before.
“You need a queen.” She says trying to stay level headed. But she doesn’t want to push him towards Gwen, she wants to hold him tighter than she ever has and he knows this.
“Not yet.” He says and kisses her, leading her to his chambers, he holds her as close as he can because he knows as soon as he lets go she’ll leave. She kisses him goodbye, something she just doesn’t do and she leaves before the sun rises.
but remember it was me who dragged you up to the sweaty floor
Morgana of course is invited to the wedding, she arrives the day after apologising profusely but Arthur saw her at the wedding, in the back of the room, he saw her close her eyes and try not to cry when he said ‘i do’ and it broke his heart. It’s an awkward and Morgana leaves a day early than expected but Arthur knew she would, she’d always been the more level headed one, the calmer of the two, she’d always been able to keep most emotions in check but everyone has their breaking point and Arthur hates to see Morgana reach hers but he does, it’s over breakfast and nothing in particular he just sees the light in her eyes dim and she says she has to be getting back. She gives no other explanations, just excuses herself before her tears can fall. Gwen doesn’t even notice. Arthur wants to run after her but the ring on his is weighing him down, just when he thinks it can’t get any worse he remembers.
Morgana had him pinned against the hard ground, she was straddling his waist and holding his arms down, he turned his head to the left and saw his sword out of reach, Morgana smirked.
“Just say it.” she said but he doesn’t say anything. Morgana rolled her eyes.
“Arthur i won, without a sword even.” She said and that was true, once she stripped him of his weapon she dropped hers and still managed to beat him, it was utterly embarrassing. He looked up at her and she was beautiful.
“Oh come on just give in.” Morgana demanded pressing her weight down harder against him, in this position Arthur couldn’t think straight.
“Say it.” Morgana said smirking.
“I love you.” Arthur admitted, they’d been dancing around this for months. Morgana’s eyes widened and she scrambled off him and jumped to her feet. Slowly Arthur stood to.
“Why did you say that?” she asked.
“Because it’s true.” Arthur said. “You said to say.”
“I meant you should surrender.” Morgana huffed.
“I am. I’m giving in, Morgana i love you.” Arthur said strangely calm for the situation. Morgana turned and went to storm off but Arthur grabbed her and spun her around.
“Arthur what are you-” Morgana began but didn’t have a chance to finish, the rest of her words were lost to Arthur’s lips as he kissed her, after a second Morgana surrendered as well and kissed him back.
Arthur sighed as Morgana's skirts turned the corner. Gwen was kind and she had a good heart but this marriage was just a convenience for him, he needed a queen and Gwen was a friend but Morgana was right unfortunately, Gwen loved him. But that would never mean he loved her, not in any truly meaningful way because for as long as he would always love Morgana there could never be room for anyone else.
but i hate when i feel like this & i never hated you
“Morgana please.” Arthur says, it’s been years since they’ve been together; she stopped answering him long ago, she never gave a reason and Arthur didn’t ask, he was afraid to hear she’d found another or simply stopped loving him. But the truth was she’d seen this, all of it, Gwen’s betrayal with Lancelot and she couldn’t stand to be near them and be so angry for something they’d yet to have done. She’s long since given into Morgause, without Arthur to keep her both weak and strong she was only weak and she didn’t care, her principles had long since been forgotten when she realised how easy it was to be a hypocrite, she understood Uther more now, so many years after his death and she wonders if he knows that wherever he is.
“Why did you bring me here Arthur?” Morgana asks, her eyes dark and her voice hard but he can still see through her anger and know when she’s scared.
“Come back.” He says and Morgana just shakes her head.
“It’s too late now.” She says.
“Not for us.” Arthur tells her, so full of hope, she can see that same young man he was once who promised that together they’d make Camelot great. That man seems like a boy compared to Arthur now, so much has happened between them and Morgana feels the need to tell him, if not to clear her conscience then to show him just how bad she is for him.
“Why do you want me back?” she asks.
“Because you’re all i’ve ever wanted.” Arthur tells her and Morgana’s heart breaks, for the eighty seventh time in her life.
“Oh but Arthur you must hate me.” She says.
“I could never.” Arthur begins to protest.
“You will.” Morgana says. “Because of all the things i’ve done to you i’ve done worse you’ve never known.”
“So tell me, nothing will ever make me hate you.” Arthur says and Morgana wants more than anything to be able to rewind time but time marches on.
“You have a son.” Morgana whispers and once the words leave her she feels empty. Arthur just stares.
“He’s 14 and with my half sister from my father’s side, Morgause.” Morgana explains and in a rush is quick to tell him everything, kneeling in front of him clutching at him now wanting nothing more than what he did minutes before. To stay.
“We have a son?” Arthur half asks her and Morgana nods, she’s crying.
“I’m so sorry i kept it from you but Arthur please.” She sobs, Arthur shifts and Morgana’s afraid he’ll push her away, instead he pulls her closer, takes her in his arms and hugs her.
“I would like to meet him.” Arthur says once she’s calmed, Morgana pulls back from his chest to look at him.
“You’re not mad at me?” she asks.
“I’m not anything that will keep me from you.” Arthur says. “Whatever you’ve done was obviously what you thought was best, when you weren’t with me you were with him yes?” Morgana nods.
“Is that why you could never stay with me?” he asks.
“Partly.” Morgana says and sighs.
“And the other reasons?” Arthur asks.
“I dreamt Camelot would burn if i stayed with you.” Morgana says. “I did what was best for the country.”
“Like a true queen should.” Arthur says and kisses her. “Camelot need not burn. It has a king, its rightful queen and their heir.”
there’s one thing we’ve got going & it’s the only thing worth knowing
Morgana’s never smiled as much as she is at this moment, Mordred at her side as they enter the throne room, Arthur sees them and stands, beaming, he walks down the few steps and along the red carpet to meet them.
“Mordred this is Arthur, you’re father.” Morgana says her voice sounds so floaty and happy that she hardly recognises herself, she hasn’t been this happy since before, just before.
“Hello sir.” Mordred says stiffly and Morgana wonders what’s wrong, he’s been acting different since she told him they were going to Camelot to live as a family with Arthur, she brushes it off though, maybe he’s nervous.
“I’m so pleased to finally meet you.” Arthur said still beaming.
“Are they your swords?” Mordred asks having caught sight of the weapons on a nearby table.
“Yes, please feel free.” Arthur says eager to impress, Mordred nods, with one last look at the two of them he leaves, there’s something in his eyes Morgana thinks but all too soon forgets it when Arthurs’ arms slip around her and she leans back so naturally as they watch their son admire the swords. Morgana feels like everything is finally the way it should be until it all happens so fast.
Morgause appears and suddenly Mordred levitates each of the three of Arthurs swords he’d been admiring and runs them through Arthur, Morgana screams in horror, how could this all have gone so wrong. She drops to the floor at Arthur’s side sobbing.
“Why?” she asks her son, their son. How could he have done this? Mordred looks at her, that same something that had been in his eyes and voice for days was now all over his face.
“I did what needed to be done. You were too weak to stand up to him.” he said and Morgana feels her heart stop as Morgause laughs, Mordred joins in but then there’s a flash of light and Mordred’s laughter stops, he falls dead to the floor as Arthur lays dying in her arms and her sister watches it all with a smirk on her face.
“Morgause why?” she asks tears streaming down her face as she starred up at her sister, half-sister on her father’s side. “Why?”
“Because you wouldn’t.” Morgause grins circling the pair.
“Arthur wasn’t like Uther, he didn’t ban magic, he didn’t kill innocents, he is a good king and a better man.” Morgana says all her pain and all her angry right there, just below the surface like always.
“Because someone has to die, someone always has to die.” Morgause laughs manically. Morgana looked at her son, dead the second Morgause’s power touched him and her love, dying in her arms. Everything pushed through the surface and Morgana used her powers, something she’d never done, only letting the dreams stay because she couldn’t get rid of them. Morgause fell to the ground and Morgana fells some satisfaction, she moves Arthur without touching him and doesn’t look at her son, she knows it’s her fault it ended like this but there’s nothing she can do for him. She wasn’t ready to be a mother, not without Arthur helping her. The only thing she can do now is try and save Arthur.
“Morgana.” Arthur gasps as he lays in the boat and she pushes it off from the shore.
“It’s ok, save your strength, it’s ok.” Morgana tells him soothingly.
“Morgana i love you.” Arthur tells her.
“You’re going to be ok.” Morgana says wiping her tears as she wills the boat faster.
“Tell me... tell me... you love... me too.” Arthur says and Morgana leans down and kisses him.
“I do, i’ve never stopped.” She says. “We will be together, we will be ok.”
Morgana gets them to Avalon and uses magic to seal them safely from outside world, it’s just the two of them now and prays it’s not too late for that.