You Said You'd Take Me Nowhere, I Said That Suits Me Fine Part 1: Today I'll Crawl Out Of Bed
Title: You Said You’d Take Me Nowhere I Said That Suits Me Fine
Part 1: Today I'll Crawl Out Of Bed
Part 2: Maybe We'll Go For A Ride
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Jo
Summary: It’s only looking back to the past does he realise how long it’s been since she’s been there with him, really there with him, not just in his mind and it makes his heart ache.
A/N: AU, title taken from ‘Rise’ by Azure Ray, takes place after ‘We Were Made To Never Fall Away’ ‘If We Could See That This Was All We Need’ ‘The Broken Lights On The Freeway Have Left Me Here Alone’ ‘I Am So Homesick Now For Some Place I Will Never Be’ and ‘And The Band Plays Some Song About Forgetting Yourself For A While’.
DISCLAIMER: i don’t own Supernatural or its characters only Amber (Sam’s wife) and their two daughters Mary and Anna, I don’t own Azure Ray or her song Rise
He can be happy in this life he’s realised, he can smile and he can laugh but it will never reach his eyes because she’s not there, no one really seems to notice because no one wants to look too hard, because they’ll know what they’ll find and they don’t want to ruin the illusion he’s worked so hard to create. There’s nothing they can do to help him so why look for something they can’t fix, why look for something he doesn’t want them to find. He doesn’t find anyone else, he doesn’t go looking either. Always in this life he thinks about one he could have had with Jo. Always in this life he knows there’s something missing. Whenever he lives the life he wants, the one with her he knows it’s not real.
Seasons come and go, Jo preferred summer to winter and when he was with her Dean liked it better too, the less clothes on her the better he’d always thought, not to say that keeping warm in winter wasn’t fun. Jo looked beautiful in autumn, the colours of the leaves bringing out her eyes, it might seem corny to say but in Spring Dean didn’t even see the blooming flowers, Jo was much more beautiful to look at and brighter than anything nature could offer. The fact was it doesn’t matter the season he always misses Jo. Days turns to months and the months pass, January there’s New Years, February there’s Valentine’s Day, not that either of them were that romantic, March is Easter and Jo plus chocolate is always a brilliant dream, April was one of their anniversaries, which one he’s not entirely sure, Jo probably would have remembered all he knew was that it was important, May was Jo’s birthday, June was his, July has fireworks literally not just the metaphorical kind he had whenever he was with Jo, August is the anniversary of the end of the world, there’s always celebrations Dean would be more festive with Jo at his side instead of in the ground but it’s not what happens in reality, the 18th is when he visits the gravesite with Sam and hates every second of it, he would have proposed in September, probably, either that or October, early though, before Halloween, him and Jo and costumes would have been fun, November has Thanksgiving, December was Christmas and then the whole retched cycle would start again. Dean knows there isn’t a day he can’t relate to Jo.
It’s only looking back to the past does he realise how long it’s been since she’s been there with him, really there with him, not just in his mind and it makes his heart ache. He still sees her, still hears her, still feels her all around him and he doesn’t mind, he never told anyone though, he’d be afraid that they’d call him crazy and lock him up, take away the last piece of life he loves, being able to get in the Impala and drive wherever he wanted whenever he wanted. Besides if they’d known Sam and Amber would have been worried and hovered around him even more, he didn’t want that.
Sometimes she comes to him ‘from heaven’ at least his version of it, (stuffy uptight old guys in robes with lists of rules longer than he can even stark to think of), but always only just to visit, breaks his heart every time, sometimes when she visits she’s in full angel get up, long white dress, bright gold halo, even a pair of wings, he never really likes that version, his Jo doesn’t seem to either - the dress gets caught under her feet if she does anything more than the slow and steady glide they tried (and failed) to teach her, the halo slips near constantly but if she takes it off she loses it and it’s already her 17th this month, (it’s not her fault she just forgets where she puts it and sometimes it just falls off, she thinks it’s a couple of sizes too big), they frown on that but it’s just that her head feels so much lighter without it, her wings itch too but she can never reach to scratch them - she’s not made to be an angel - not their version of it anyway, she was made for motel rooms and driving til the road ends and games of pool and shotguns and jukeboxes that played REO and whiskey and laughter, she was made for happiness no matter how ‘unsaintly’ that happiness was, Dean knows Jo deserves heaven but not one where they make her feel anything less than perfection, just the kind where she’s happy, he would have tried his hardest to make that happen, to give her everything he could, everything she deserved and more.
Sometimes he dreams they give her back and together they live this life he has and she always fits so perfectly in his life, by his side, in his bed and in his arms, sometimes he’s the one in a different life, one he has with her, he likes it best that way and fits this life around theirs not theirs around this life, he and Jo come first, Sam and Amber and Mary and Anna just fit in around them but he knows it’s all in his head and it always will be. Some might have called her a ghost or hallucination, Dean just called it comforting.
He didn’t care if he was crazy, not as long as Jo stayed with him.
Two day after Jo and Ellen die, (the day after Dean shoots Lucifer in the head), Dean gets drunk. Not regular ‘I’ve had a bad day drunk’ but just plain drunk, he can hold his liquor, it’s a Winchester trait, - rivalled, he remembers, only by the Harvelle’s, but that memory just makes him drink some more. Dean gets himself drunker than he ever has before, with damn good reason too. Not the smartest thing to do but who’s to blame him. The devil is dead, the end of the world is over and years of fighting a war against evil is coming to an end, it’s celebratory drinking right? To most yes, to him no, he’s mourning the loss of the one woman he had left to care about, the only one he’d ever really loved, he’s mourning but everyone else is celebrating. So much so they don’t even seem to realise they’re not at the Roadhouse, some other hunter bar seems fine for the rest of them but for Dean it’s not right, the girl behind the counter is a Barbie, pretty and plastic and perfectly fake, he hates her on sight, even more when she brings him a scotch on the rocks, he has no patience for ice tonight. This place is all wrong Dean thinks as he looks around the ‘Crossfire’ everything’s shiny and new and nothing like the well-worn Roadhouse he grew to love, the Jukebox, no not Jukebox, instead there’s some surround sound system that Dean can barely work, all he knows is it doesn’t even play REO Speedwagon just some techno dance bullshit Dean hates with every fibre of his being.
Dean finishes the rest of his beer watching as Sam talks happily with other hunters, he sighs and resigns himself to the fact that he’s not at the Roadhouse, he’s not with Jo and he never will be again because the one person he could have bargained with he decided to shoot in the head instead.
It hasn’t even been a day and he’s already regretting saving the world, without her he doesn’t see much point. A couple of the older guys make a toast, talking about how they never thought they’d see the day, Dean leaves them to it and stumbles to his hotel room to drink alone some more, at least in his room it’s quiet. He misses the raised glasses in his name, he doesn’t care without her.
Early in the morning, before the sun even rises Meg - new body, same bitch - comes and finds him, it can’t have been that hard.
“Boo.” She laughs, Dean reaches for his shotgun, the whiskey numbing more than just his memories has dulled his reflexes enough for her to have him pinned to the wall without him getting halfway to the gun.
“We have a deal for you Dean.” Meg smiles.
“Go to hell.” Dean spits, her hand tightens around his neck.
“Been there done that, I even got a t-shirt lying around somewhere, 1645 tour.” Meg smirks. “Younger than I look huh?”
“I can see every year, no matter what body you take your still rotten and ugly inside.” Dean spits at her, somewhere along the way Dean’s realised Meg takes the pretty ones because she’s afraid she’s ugly, an insecurity Dean would have laughed at, the big bad demon doubting itself, but all he wants to do is twist the knife.
“The body you took is beautiful, but that doesn’t make you any less ugly.” He sneers watching something flicker through the eyes Meg’s taken as the demon makes a noise in her throat, the kind you’d give when shaking your finger at a child or dog when they’ve done the wrong thing. He likes that he’s got her off kilter even when she’s got him up against the wall, but the hand around his throat had tightened and now he was getting light headed and seeing splotches of colour across his vision, he’s close to passing out and Meg knows it.
“Come on Dean let’s play nice.” She says and releases his neck but after a second squeezes hard again, the splotches are back but Meg doesn’t let me pass out, that would be no fun for her to have him unconscious, so she loosens her grip, he can breathe now but he’s still up against the wall.
“What do you want?” Dean asks, he’s not turning purple anymore and he tries to kick out at Meg’s body but Meg stops him, pins him to the wall so that if she wanted to she could take her hand away but she doesn’t.
“I’m giving you the chance of a lifetime.” Meg says. “It’s a gift.”
“What do you think i want from you?” Dean asks slurring a little at the end, he’s still very drunk.
“Your pretty little blonde.” Meg grins pressing her finger to Dean’s forehead, he’s no longer pinned to a wall in the hotel room, instead he drops down to the dusty cracked floor of hell, winded and coughing the dust he has just inhaled. Meg pulls him up by the collar of his shirt but Dean pulls out of her grip and stumbles away from her, his head is spinning, blood rushing through his ears, the heat is making him sweat and the memories all come back.
“Look around.” Meg says, Dean can’t stand it these memories are far too real for him, he’s knows this place, he’s been here, he’s lived here… he lost a piece of his soul here.
“Do you want your Jo to end up here?” Meg asks.
“She won’t.” Dean says. Jo is too good for this and Jo hasn’t sold her soul. Both Ellen and Dean made sure of that both separately and together much to Jo’s annoyance, it earned them lectures and rants about how she was an adult and allowed to do whatever she wanted but although they had their ears chewed off a few times Jo had kept her soul. Jo is safe… she has to be so he tells himself she is because if she’s not, Dean doesn’t even want to think about it.
Jo is safe.
Jo is safe.
Jo is safe.
Jo is safe.
Jo is safe.
But the mantra grows thin, Meg doesn’t bluff... does she?
“Oh yes she will baby.” Meg grins. “We’ve got her soul.”
“No you don’t.” Dean shakes his head. It can’t be true.
“Yeah we do, she’s right here.” Meg says and clicks her fingers; Jo appears in front of him, chains around her wrists, chains around her feet.
“Dean please, please help me.” Jo begs, tears in her eyes.
“Jo.” Dean starts towards her but stops, he tries again but still doesn’t move an inch from where he started despite charging with force a line backer would be envious of, there’s some invisible force is stopping him, he can’t get to her, he can’t save her, again he’s letting her down.
“What do you want from me?” Dean asks Meg but doesn’t take his eyes off Jo, afraid if he does she’ll disappear.
“I want you to walk away.” Meg says. Dean is confused, why bring him here to make him leave? Is it just to twist the knife some more, add more guilt to his already heavy soul? It doesn’t make sense but he knows one thing for sure. He won’t leave Jo behind, not again; he’ll stay here for eternity with or without her to save her like he should have in the first place.
“I won’t leave her.” Dean tells Meg, turning to face her and shifting himself so he’s standing between her and Jo, Meg laughs.
“Oh Dean you make such a good hero.” She taunts, she makes the words sound like an insult but that just means he’s doing something right.
“Tell me what you want.” Dean demands.
“Yesterday... i want you to walk away.” Meg says.
“I don’t understand, how can i change what’s already happened?” Dean asks, all he needs is to know what they want him to do and he’ll do it, he’ll do anything to save her. A saving grace or a fatal flaw he’s not sure but either way he doesn’t care.
“Just say yes.” Meg smiles.
“I don’t understand.” Dean waits for an explanation.
“You say yes, you go back to Earth, you go back to yesterday, you turn and you walk away. You don’t fight and you don’t shoot Lucifer in the head.” Meg explains.
“I’m sure your Daddy will be so proud of the deal you’re making, his life for Jo’s soul right? If I do it, you’ll send Jo to Heaven?” Dean asks hoping he doesn’t look as desperate as he is but knowing he wouldn’t care if he does.
“We’ll do better than that.” Meg says. “We’ll give her back to you; on Earth, you and her can be together if you walk away.”
Dean hesitates knowing there has to be a catch.
“Please Dean, say yes. Save me.” Jo begs him, Dean looks at her, barefoot, beaten, bloody, broken, somewhere along the way he’s swallowed the B section of the dictionary, but he doesn’t care because despite everything she still looks beautiful.
“You can have a life together; ya wanna see a sneak preview?” Meg asks and gives him one before he can say anything.
Dean watches him and Jo walk away from the apocalypse, he sees their wedding day, he sees their honeymoon, he watches Jo’s stomach swell with their child, he holds his first son, he and Jo buy a house, he and Jo play with their son, he has a daughter now, his son goes off to school and his daughter takes her first steps, he and Jo have a family, he and Jo are happy.
“Just say yes.” Meg tells him and it all seems so simple.
Say yes, have the life he’s always wanted. Say yes and have Jo by his side. Say yes and Jo’s safe, with him and safe. Say yes.
“Don’t do it Dean.” Jo’s voice is in his head, Dean looks over at the Jo in front of him but her lips haven’t moved, she hasn’t said a word.
“Don’t do it.” Jo repeats in his head.
“Say yes.” The Jo in front of him begs and then he sees it, a glimmer or a shadow he’s not sure, maybe it was nothing at all but suddenly he realises this Jo in front of him, there’s something wrong with her and he starts to back away.
“What’s wrong?” Meg asks.
“Where are you going?” Jo asks stepping forward, her chains pulling tighter. “Don’t leave me Dean, don’t go, please, i love you, don’t you love me?”
“You’re not Jo.” Dean shakes his head.
“What are you talking about?” Jo asks crying. “Of course it’s me.”
“The prove it.” Dean demands. “What was the plan? For me and you and the future?”
“To be together, me and you, together, why are you doing this?” Jo asks him and if he wasn’t so sure it wasn’t her it would break his heart - but it wasn’t - it wasn’t, it wasn’t, it wasn’t, a new mantra forms in his mind and he clings to it, repeating it again and again.
“What did we want?” Dean asks. “Just tell me.”
“Each other, a house, a life, a family.” She’s grasping at straws but he has to hand it to her, she’s good, she’s breaking his heart, she’s fucking brilliant at this or maybe it’s just that she’s Jo, Jo’s face, Jo’s voice, everything he wants her to be and he has to say no, he has to walk away and leave this image of Jo here in hell to burn, but Jo, the REAL Jo, will be safe and that is what Dean clings to as he backs away from Jo’s image.
“Don’t leave me here in hell, why are you doing this? Don’t you love me Dean?” Jo asks and hearing Jo’s voice from not-Jo’s mouth twists him up inside because it can’t be Jo, it just can’t.
“Oh stop it.” Meg smiles. “He already knows.”
The Jo in front of him frowns.
“I could have won him back.” She says and then she’s not Jo, she’s just some other demon, Dean can’t understand how he ever thought she was Jo, he can feel the evil radiating from her, this woman/demon - this bitch is NOT Jo, not even close. Meg’s new best friend, Dean’s new worst enemy, she’s not Jo, she never was and he hates that she wore Jo’s face. Dean glares hard at both of them.
“Does this mean you won’t come play?” Meg asks and laughs.
“I’d say go to hell but.” Dean shrugged and gestured to where they were, Meg smirks.
“Can’t win them all.” She says.
The next thing Dean knows he’s back in his hotel room, the ground hard beneath him, for a moment he struggles for breath, winded and gasping for air but slowly he gets his breath back and that’s when he sees Jo standing over him and scrambles back away from her.
“I said no.” He says reaching for the gun but it’s useless because he knows he could never pull the trigger, not even if it was just that damned bitch wearing Jo’s face again.
“I know you did.” Jo smiles softly. “Thank-you.”
“Jo?” Dean asks his hand falling limp to the floor just beside the shotgun. Jo nods. “It’s really you?”
“It’s really me.” She smiles. “You me and a tape deck.” She adds just to prove it, tears prick at his eyes because it’s Jo.
“What happened?” Dean asks.
“They let me go to come and save you.” Jo says.
“You’re back?” Dean asks hopefully.
“Not for real.” Jo says sadly. “I have to go.”
“Jo please no.” Dean begs. “I love you.”
“I know, I love you too and I’m sorry.” Jo says and then she’s gone. Dean wakes up again alone, the bottle of whiskey empty beside him and he’s unsure of what was a dream, what was his nightmare, what was real, what was the whiskey and what was just a hallucination.
Some days he knows he’d have agreed despite Jo’s protests in his head, he’d do anything to save her, even if it was just the illusion of her but then again Den knows he could have never let that demon bitch wear Jo’s face another second. On bad days he admits that the Jo he has in his head is just the same as that bitch wearing her face, an untruthful lie and possibly a disservice to the real Jo’s memory, sometimes he feels like he’s telling her she wasn’t enough for him but they were still young despite the life they lived (hunters age beyond their years for all the things they see) they were taking the world by storm, the world didn’t have a chance but neither did they against the hellhounds that day, him and Jo, they were made for each other inside and out, they understood each other and she was his vision of heaven, simply herself, blonde hair, blue jeans, a stunning smile, a loaded gun and a good left hook sitting in the passenger seat of the Impala, the road in front of them. She was his everything, the good, the bad, the in-between but he had grown and changed over the years without her, not by choice but it just happened, she would have changed and grown too… but she never got the chance. Honestly all he wanted was her however he could have her.
But Dean Winchester always wanted what he could never have.
It’s another day without Jo and Dean goes through the motions, he’s walking down the street when it happens, he doesn’t think he just acts and then everything is black.
Sam gets the phone call and doesn’t think twice about answering it, it’s not the middle of the night, it’s not just before dawn, it’s 12:30 pm, a phone call is nothing out of the ordinary, it’s doesn’t make his stomach drop or twist or the hairs on the back of his neck stand, he just looks at his phone and then the clock, he has enough time before the meeting, the unknown number doesn’t frighten him so he answers, all professional and business like because it’s Wednesday just before noon, he’s technically still on the clock even if he is out of the office:
“Sam Winchester.”
“Hello, this is Maria Consteles from County Memorial Hospital.” The woman informs him. Mary, Anna, Amber, Dean. Who’s hurt, how badly, what happened?
Dean, hit and run, apparently playing the hero, driving in front of a car to save a woman (Sam just knows that she was a blonde, looking enough like Jo for Dean to think he could get a second chance at saving her, it’s not a bad thing) head injuries, internal bleeding, surgery.
“I’ll be right there.” Sam assures her and doesn’t return from his lunch break to the office for that meeting.
Once he’s at the hospital he calls Amber, finally coming to his senses enough to realise it’s not just him and Dean anymore, they’re not blowing from town to town, they have roots, no he corrects, he has roots, Dean has a house, that’s not the same thing, Dean doesn’t want roots but wanting them or not he’s got them, he’s got connections, he’s got people in his life who care about him.
Even if they can’t be the one person he wants.
Dean wakes up from the blackness to pain and a machine beeping incessantly, at first he thinks it’s an alarm clock and after, judging from the pain he’s in right now, a particularly bad night hunting he doesn’t need this shit, he groans as he goes to roll over but the beeping isn’t close enough to him, he reaches out for Jo and get her to shut it off, she’s always been able to sleep through just about anything after a long hunt so he wants to shake her awake and get her to stop the damn beeping and smirks thinking maybe they could play ‘doctor and nurse’ later but the pain stops him from moving. Shit it must have been a bad hunt, no ‘naughty nurse’ for him then. He opens his eyes to too much brightness and closes them again, they should have shut the damn curtains, he opens his eyes again and squints, which is when he realises - he’s not in a motel room he’s in a hospital room and the machine beeping wasn’t an alarm clock, it was still as annoying as fuck though. There’s a nurse fussing over him, checking the machines and making notes on his chart, eventually she leaves and Dean wonders where Jo is but when he looks around his room and finds Amber at his bedside he remembers everything and it hurts more than all the injuries they’ve got him on the morphine for.
Amber smiles at him and gives a small wave, he tries to speak but his voice is scratchy and his throat on fire, Amber gets him some water, he’s grateful, once he swallows he can speak, his voice is less scratchy and his throat less on fire, it still hurts though.
“Where’s Sam?” is the first thing he asks.
“At home with Anna.” Amber explains, he feels kind of bad for ignoring the fact that she was the one there by his side and simply brushing her aside for his brother because Amber understands him in ways Sam never will bring himself to. Dean nods.
“I… thank-you.” Is all he comes up with when he tries to say everything he’s ever wanted to say to her, something Dean’s in too much pain to figure out flicks across his sister-in-law’s face ad she gives him a small smile.
“You’re welcome.” She manages after a moment, Dean winces when something twists the wrong way. Even more pain envelopes him, and it fucking hurts, he can’t pinpoint the source he can just feel it but he tries to hide it, he’s never been that good at playing the victim. He doesn’t fool Amber though.
“Are you ok?” she asks standing and hovering over him. He wants to tell her he’s fine.
“I’m-” he starts.
“Fine? No.” she shakes her head. “Lying is more like it. I’m getting a nurse and you’re sucking it up.”
She keeps her word and he lives up to his end up the deal. The nurse comes after a few minutes and ups his morphine then hurries back to the nurses’ station; Dean’s cynical enough to believe it’s an ad break in a soap opera that allowed her to come see him, he’s never held much faith in nurses and hospitals. Dean drifts back off to sleep and when he wakes up its two days later and Sam is pacing at the end of his bed. He blinks a few times and the haze envelopes him again. He lets it because it can’t be bothered to fight anymore.
He wakes up later, lunch still on the tray beside his bed, the sun closer to setting than anything else. Sam is there, asleep in the chair next to the bed, Amber comes in and sees Dean.
“You’re awake.” She smiles and comes to sit in the chair on the other side of the bed. Dean nods and falls asleep again.
Over the next couple of weeks he wakes and sleeps at odd hours, when he is conscious the pain is near unbearable, they up his meds then down them, they try different combinations but it’s no use he’s always in pain, he has been since the day Jo died now he just has a better reason to ask for morphine. It dulls everything except the ache of not having been with Jo for 20 years.
Being awake for the most part of a week Dean just wants it to end. Sam notices he’s not himself, Amber notices something’s wrong too she mentions it.
“I’m so tired.” He admits. “I just can’t stand it anymore.”
Amber doesn’t know what to say so she doesn’t say anything.
“I just want to sleep.” Dean says and Amber knows he means more than just a nap.
He dreams of Jo, spends weeks with her the way he should have, he brings her flowers and she tells him she loves him, he knows it’s a dream though not because Jo’s with him, he always feels her even when he doesn’t see her and he’s still holding out hope ‘they’ve’ given her back, that he’s finally earned enough karma points to win her back, like she was some ridiculous stuffed animal at a carnival, then again even carnival folk weren’t as cruel as ‘them’ and if it was that easy, if this was all it would have taken, Dean would have thrown himself in front speeding vehicles years ago.
“We should go to Paris.” She tells him as they’re floating down a calm river in an old rowboat.
“Ok, why?” he asks propping himself up on an elbow to see her.
“Because it’s where they keep the gold.” She says like it’s obvious, then she smiles. The next thing he knows they’re fighting leprechauns by the Eiffel tower cause those bastards are hiding the gold from them which is just not on when they have a life ahead of them of fancy restaurants and 5 star motels and romantic overseas getaways and a mansion in front of them, these are what Jo deserves and when she’ll get if they get the gold but to get the gold they have to fight the leprechauns who keep using magic on them but then Jo blinds one using lucky charms, who knew leprechauns could be brought down by cereal.
Dean wakes up confused, half ready for another attack from those damn stubborn leprechauns, he slowly realises he’s in hospital after being hit by a car, trying to save a girl that looked like Jo because he couldn’t save Jo herself and that was over 20 years ago. Everything he thought was happening was just a hallucination, they’ve got him on a cocktail of powerful drugs and he doesn’t mind too much. Still he doesn’t understand himself sometimes, why would he go after gold when he had Jo? What use would gold be or a trip to get it when he could just be with her? Then he remembers her smile, he’d do anything if she smiled.
“Look at him Sam, he’s in pain.” Amber says, they’re in his hospital bed but he’s asleep, just coming off another round of meds so it’s not exactly as rude as it could be Dean thinks as he’s half there half not.
“He’s not thinking straight.” Is Sam’s answer and Dean wants to go and protest because it’s not just that, Amber understands though.
“He doesn’t want to keep going Sam, he wants to let go.” She says and Dean agrees with her silently.
“And go to what? He wants to die, why? He’s got us.” Sam exclaims.
“But he wants Jo.” Amber says softly.
“Well he can’t always get what he wants.” Sam says stubbornly.
“Sam stop, I know you don’t want to deal with this but you have to, Dean is in pain and he just wants to let go.” Amber says. “And he will whether it’s not while things are close to bearable or whether it’s later because you keep asking him to hold on, I know I’d rather him be comfortable but I can’t make you understand.”
“He’s been out of his mind for 17 days Amber I really don’t think now is the time to-” Sam is cut off halfway through.
“20.” Dean croaks and tries to swallow, sandpaper would be soothing at this point. “Not 17 and not days, it’s 20 years.”
Sam and Amber look over at him puzzled, they’re both frozen, unsure of how much he’s heard and how he’ll react, in his head he’s busy adding it up in his head for a minute, the pain and the tiredness and the medication all swimming around him inside of him making everything he knows just that little bit fuzzier around the edges and even though he’s close enough with 20 he corrects himself to 23, no 24 in November, it’s close enough, halfway through October so 24 years it is.
“24 actually.” He rasps as they both come to stand at his bedside, one on each side, if he wasn’t so doped up he’d have thought about that whole devil on one shoulder angel on the other thing but truthfully he wouldn’t know which to assign to which. Sam is his brother but Amber is the one on his side. Amber also holds a cup of water with a straw in front of him and smiles encouragingly at him, with all the meds flowing through his system right now he swears he’s one step closer to seeing the halo. He drinks it greedily and gratefully and after it he can do more than croak.
“24 years I’ve been out of my mind.” Dean says. “Without Jo I’m not me and I’m in so much fucking pain that I can’t bear it anymore. Please Sammy just let me go.”
He looks at Sam who looks away, Dean looks at Amber for support, she gives it, Dean’s not sure what he expected but her squeezing his hand is reassuring. She smiles kindly at him, it’s kind but it’s sad and Dean feels guilty for that but there’s nothing he can do for that, Amber turns to her husband, Dean turns to his brother.
“Sam.” Amber says tilting her head to Dean.
“I can’t.” Sam says and leaves the room. Amber goes to follow him but Dean tugs on her hand, it’s gentle, only because he’s not strong enough for anything more but it stops Amber in her tracks and pulls her back to him and she stays, giving Sam some time to think. Amber sighs a long exhale and then seemingly brightens, at least to most of the world but Dean sees what’s behind her smile and in her eyes, she still tragically sad but she masks it better than most.
“Do you want to watch TV?” she asks pulling a chair over and sitting in it, grabbing the remote as she did, Dean goes to shrug but doesn’t, it hurts, he didn’t know that. Shrugging equals pain, now he’s screwed on the communication front.
“Yea sounds good.” He manages but Amber’s already flicking through the channels, she settles on a soap, a woman with breasts as fake as the tears on her face is bemoaning the fact that she’s being forced into a marriage of her best friend’s brother’s evil twin and how her true love, her aunt’s son’s girlfriend’s son’s father (who happens to the good twin) isn’t there to stop it. Amber seems to understand what’s going on, Dean sits and lets it wash over him, he presses the pain medication button and tries to relax.
He’s an old man now, far too old to be throwing himself in front of cars for pretty blondes but he had to, it wasn’t even a decision it was what happened, she looked enough like Jo from a short distance that his instincts kicked in and he did what he had too, it’s not Jo and he knows that, he knew it then too but it doesn’t mean he wants to let some pretty little blonde with her whole life ahead of her get hit my an SUV and thrown down onto concrete. During a lucid moment it sort of hits him though he’s old. Everyone is old (everyone but Jo).
Actually (and he’s even embarrassed to admit it) he only notices when Amber is there helping him sit up, as that damn soap opera plays on the screen, Dean doesn’t mind watching it though (currently the bride’s love, the good twin, is fighting his ex on a cliff because she was going to take his son away to Vegas while the bride is getting ready to get married and the big question is will he make it to the church on time?) Dean looks at his sister-in-law and sees it, the extra wrinkles, the years that have passed have written themselves along her face, that’s not to say she looks bad it’s just to say she looks different to what he’s remember despite having seen her at least once a week for years.
Amber has aged gracefully but Dean never realised it, not that it was graceful, just that she was aging, that they all were, he never really stopped to notice the wrinkles gathering around eyes or mouth or forehead, she just always was as she is. Dean knew time was moving on and he watched Mary and Anna grow up, so grown up that Anna’s senior year was fast approaching and Mary was three states away in a dorm room where every guy on campus knew exactly who’s niece she was. But still that doesn’t mean he realised that were old. Not walkers and golfing and retirement old but simply older than they were in the beginning. Then again it’s probably more that the oldest hunters he’s ever known were Ellen ad Bobby and they were both young(ish) to the rest of the world, only 50 something like they are now. Hunters die young so he figures he never stopped to think about what he’d look like later, besides when he dreams of Jo, when she comes to him, they’re almost always just the way they were before she died, young and fun and free, sometimes they grow old together but they seem to been young then ancient (and driving around in the Impala with a tape deck), there’s not much in between, Dean always seen himself the way he was with Jo - 26 and in the Roadhouse, dancing to REO Speedwagon.
Dean has a dream about Jo but the thing about the meds is that he never remembers anything, he jolts awake (pulling some stitches on his side in the process) to Jo’s voice “are you coming home soon babe?” and yeah he hopes he is.
Amber goes home, Dean sort of forces her too, she’s been spending so much time with him, to make sure he doesn’t feel alone but even with her presence he doesn’t feel all that connected, when he dreams he’s with Jo and that’s the connection he wants. Amber says maybe she’ll bring Anna with her next time, or maybe Thursday after school, Wednesday Anna has volleyball practice with the school team, Amber says she’ll ask Anna but only if he’s feeling better, he tells her he will be but she knows it’s a lie. Sam comes in on his lunch break, he doesn’t say anything, just gives Dean a sandwich and sits in what Dean has somehow dubbed Amber’s Chair and puts his feet up on the bed, it’s awkward but Dean pretends not to care. Sam changes the channel just as “Bride” walks down the aisle to “Evil Twin” and “Good Twin” comes running in with “Good Twin Jr” to stop the wedding, Dean finds himself making a mental note to remember to try and be casual when he asks Amber what happened with that cause she’s watching it, she watches sit at work (moving her lunch break around to fit it) and at home she told him it was an easy thing to watch to do the ironing but has noticed how into the shows and the characters she is, she tells him backstories, extremely colourful and ridiculous ones that end up bias to her favourite characters and against the ones she didn’t like, it’s kind of infectious, and Dean has somehow, he has no idea how, but he’s kind of gotten into the show, not that he’ll ever admit it, Sam would have a field day with it, he’s pretty sure if Jo was here she’d laugh, call him a girl and punch him in the shoulder, still he wants the “Bride” to end up with the “Good Twin”, he wants a happy ending, he doesn’t want evil to win.
Sam finishes his sandwich and goes to leave but Dean speaks.
“I love you Sammy, I really do and I don’t know how to thank you for everything you’ve done for me but as much as I care about you and Amber and Mary and Anna, I love Jo more and I don’t want to keep going like this without her anymore, I’m old and I’m in pain and even when all my wounds heal I’ll still be in pain without her. Please, let me go.” He says, Sam says nothing and leaves for the office because his lunch break was over 20 minutes ago.
The doctors say he should be making progress by now but Dean knows he just isn’t trying because he’s already fought so much in his life, demons, himself, his feelings, he’s fought wounds before, been on the brink of death before and came back because he still had more to do in his life, he had demons to kill, a war against evil to fight, the apocalypse to stop, he has had enough. Amber knows it too and she accepts it, Sam knows it too but he’s in denial.
“What the hell is the matter with you?” he asks when he comes into the room, all angry pacing and noise and movement. Dean looks confused but he kind of knows in the back of his mind what it’s about.
“You’re a fighter Dean, why aren’t you fighting?” Sam asks. “You’re rolling over and giving up, that’s weak so man up and fucking fight.”
“I don’t want to Sam.” Dean says. “I’ve been fighting my whole life, don’t you get that? I’ve always been the strong one for as long as I can remember I’ve been fighting something and I don’t want to fight anymore.”
“Why not?” Sam asks.
“Because I’ve got nothing left to fight for, the war is over, you’re ok and Jo is waiting for me.” Dean explains because it really is that simple. Sam sort of deflates and crumples into the chair next to him, he watches as Dean winces and presses hard on the pain button three times in quick succession, Sam notices and realises that Dean is actually in pain, he might be giving up but he never went out and laid down in the street, he did what he was made for and saved someone. So he sat there and they made plans.
“Mary can have the Impala, at least you know it won’t break down not like that piece of crap she’s driving now, Anna can whatever she wants and you and Amber can sell the rest, just give me one thing.” Dean asks and Sam nods because whatever it is Dean’s got it.
“The tape, me and Jo, in the glove box, bury me with it and I’ll be happy.” Dean says and Sam agrees.
Dean dies five days later, a blood clot had broken away and floated up to his brain, it was quick and he was sleeping, the day before he and Amber had been watching the soap again and “Bride” and “Good Twin” had gotten married and gone on their honeymoon, a happier ending Dean has never known but hopes to find his.
Link To Part 2: Maybe We'll Go For A Ride: hynotic-n-crazy.livejournal.com/10946.html
Part 1: Today I'll Crawl Out Of Bed
Part 2: Maybe We'll Go For A Ride
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Jo
Summary: It’s only looking back to the past does he realise how long it’s been since she’s been there with him, really there with him, not just in his mind and it makes his heart ache.
A/N: AU, title taken from ‘Rise’ by Azure Ray, takes place after ‘We Were Made To Never Fall Away’ ‘If We Could See That This Was All We Need’ ‘The Broken Lights On The Freeway Have Left Me Here Alone’ ‘I Am So Homesick Now For Some Place I Will Never Be’ and ‘And The Band Plays Some Song About Forgetting Yourself For A While’.
DISCLAIMER: i don’t own Supernatural or its characters only Amber (Sam’s wife) and their two daughters Mary and Anna, I don’t own Azure Ray or her song Rise
He can be happy in this life he’s realised, he can smile and he can laugh but it will never reach his eyes because she’s not there, no one really seems to notice because no one wants to look too hard, because they’ll know what they’ll find and they don’t want to ruin the illusion he’s worked so hard to create. There’s nothing they can do to help him so why look for something they can’t fix, why look for something he doesn’t want them to find. He doesn’t find anyone else, he doesn’t go looking either. Always in this life he thinks about one he could have had with Jo. Always in this life he knows there’s something missing. Whenever he lives the life he wants, the one with her he knows it’s not real.
Seasons come and go, Jo preferred summer to winter and when he was with her Dean liked it better too, the less clothes on her the better he’d always thought, not to say that keeping warm in winter wasn’t fun. Jo looked beautiful in autumn, the colours of the leaves bringing out her eyes, it might seem corny to say but in Spring Dean didn’t even see the blooming flowers, Jo was much more beautiful to look at and brighter than anything nature could offer. The fact was it doesn’t matter the season he always misses Jo. Days turns to months and the months pass, January there’s New Years, February there’s Valentine’s Day, not that either of them were that romantic, March is Easter and Jo plus chocolate is always a brilliant dream, April was one of their anniversaries, which one he’s not entirely sure, Jo probably would have remembered all he knew was that it was important, May was Jo’s birthday, June was his, July has fireworks literally not just the metaphorical kind he had whenever he was with Jo, August is the anniversary of the end of the world, there’s always celebrations Dean would be more festive with Jo at his side instead of in the ground but it’s not what happens in reality, the 18th is when he visits the gravesite with Sam and hates every second of it, he would have proposed in September, probably, either that or October, early though, before Halloween, him and Jo and costumes would have been fun, November has Thanksgiving, December was Christmas and then the whole retched cycle would start again. Dean knows there isn’t a day he can’t relate to Jo.
It’s only looking back to the past does he realise how long it’s been since she’s been there with him, really there with him, not just in his mind and it makes his heart ache. He still sees her, still hears her, still feels her all around him and he doesn’t mind, he never told anyone though, he’d be afraid that they’d call him crazy and lock him up, take away the last piece of life he loves, being able to get in the Impala and drive wherever he wanted whenever he wanted. Besides if they’d known Sam and Amber would have been worried and hovered around him even more, he didn’t want that.
Sometimes she comes to him ‘from heaven’ at least his version of it, (stuffy uptight old guys in robes with lists of rules longer than he can even stark to think of), but always only just to visit, breaks his heart every time, sometimes when she visits she’s in full angel get up, long white dress, bright gold halo, even a pair of wings, he never really likes that version, his Jo doesn’t seem to either - the dress gets caught under her feet if she does anything more than the slow and steady glide they tried (and failed) to teach her, the halo slips near constantly but if she takes it off she loses it and it’s already her 17th this month, (it’s not her fault she just forgets where she puts it and sometimes it just falls off, she thinks it’s a couple of sizes too big), they frown on that but it’s just that her head feels so much lighter without it, her wings itch too but she can never reach to scratch them - she’s not made to be an angel - not their version of it anyway, she was made for motel rooms and driving til the road ends and games of pool and shotguns and jukeboxes that played REO and whiskey and laughter, she was made for happiness no matter how ‘unsaintly’ that happiness was, Dean knows Jo deserves heaven but not one where they make her feel anything less than perfection, just the kind where she’s happy, he would have tried his hardest to make that happen, to give her everything he could, everything she deserved and more.
Sometimes he dreams they give her back and together they live this life he has and she always fits so perfectly in his life, by his side, in his bed and in his arms, sometimes he’s the one in a different life, one he has with her, he likes it best that way and fits this life around theirs not theirs around this life, he and Jo come first, Sam and Amber and Mary and Anna just fit in around them but he knows it’s all in his head and it always will be. Some might have called her a ghost or hallucination, Dean just called it comforting.
He didn’t care if he was crazy, not as long as Jo stayed with him.
Two day after Jo and Ellen die, (the day after Dean shoots Lucifer in the head), Dean gets drunk. Not regular ‘I’ve had a bad day drunk’ but just plain drunk, he can hold his liquor, it’s a Winchester trait, - rivalled, he remembers, only by the Harvelle’s, but that memory just makes him drink some more. Dean gets himself drunker than he ever has before, with damn good reason too. Not the smartest thing to do but who’s to blame him. The devil is dead, the end of the world is over and years of fighting a war against evil is coming to an end, it’s celebratory drinking right? To most yes, to him no, he’s mourning the loss of the one woman he had left to care about, the only one he’d ever really loved, he’s mourning but everyone else is celebrating. So much so they don’t even seem to realise they’re not at the Roadhouse, some other hunter bar seems fine for the rest of them but for Dean it’s not right, the girl behind the counter is a Barbie, pretty and plastic and perfectly fake, he hates her on sight, even more when she brings him a scotch on the rocks, he has no patience for ice tonight. This place is all wrong Dean thinks as he looks around the ‘Crossfire’ everything’s shiny and new and nothing like the well-worn Roadhouse he grew to love, the Jukebox, no not Jukebox, instead there’s some surround sound system that Dean can barely work, all he knows is it doesn’t even play REO Speedwagon just some techno dance bullshit Dean hates with every fibre of his being.
Dean finishes the rest of his beer watching as Sam talks happily with other hunters, he sighs and resigns himself to the fact that he’s not at the Roadhouse, he’s not with Jo and he never will be again because the one person he could have bargained with he decided to shoot in the head instead.
It hasn’t even been a day and he’s already regretting saving the world, without her he doesn’t see much point. A couple of the older guys make a toast, talking about how they never thought they’d see the day, Dean leaves them to it and stumbles to his hotel room to drink alone some more, at least in his room it’s quiet. He misses the raised glasses in his name, he doesn’t care without her.
Early in the morning, before the sun even rises Meg - new body, same bitch - comes and finds him, it can’t have been that hard.
“Boo.” She laughs, Dean reaches for his shotgun, the whiskey numbing more than just his memories has dulled his reflexes enough for her to have him pinned to the wall without him getting halfway to the gun.
“We have a deal for you Dean.” Meg smiles.
“Go to hell.” Dean spits, her hand tightens around his neck.
“Been there done that, I even got a t-shirt lying around somewhere, 1645 tour.” Meg smirks. “Younger than I look huh?”
“I can see every year, no matter what body you take your still rotten and ugly inside.” Dean spits at her, somewhere along the way Dean’s realised Meg takes the pretty ones because she’s afraid she’s ugly, an insecurity Dean would have laughed at, the big bad demon doubting itself, but all he wants to do is twist the knife.
“The body you took is beautiful, but that doesn’t make you any less ugly.” He sneers watching something flicker through the eyes Meg’s taken as the demon makes a noise in her throat, the kind you’d give when shaking your finger at a child or dog when they’ve done the wrong thing. He likes that he’s got her off kilter even when she’s got him up against the wall, but the hand around his throat had tightened and now he was getting light headed and seeing splotches of colour across his vision, he’s close to passing out and Meg knows it.
“Come on Dean let’s play nice.” She says and releases his neck but after a second squeezes hard again, the splotches are back but Meg doesn’t let me pass out, that would be no fun for her to have him unconscious, so she loosens her grip, he can breathe now but he’s still up against the wall.
“What do you want?” Dean asks, he’s not turning purple anymore and he tries to kick out at Meg’s body but Meg stops him, pins him to the wall so that if she wanted to she could take her hand away but she doesn’t.
“I’m giving you the chance of a lifetime.” Meg says. “It’s a gift.”
“What do you think i want from you?” Dean asks slurring a little at the end, he’s still very drunk.
“Your pretty little blonde.” Meg grins pressing her finger to Dean’s forehead, he’s no longer pinned to a wall in the hotel room, instead he drops down to the dusty cracked floor of hell, winded and coughing the dust he has just inhaled. Meg pulls him up by the collar of his shirt but Dean pulls out of her grip and stumbles away from her, his head is spinning, blood rushing through his ears, the heat is making him sweat and the memories all come back.
“Look around.” Meg says, Dean can’t stand it these memories are far too real for him, he’s knows this place, he’s been here, he’s lived here… he lost a piece of his soul here.
“Do you want your Jo to end up here?” Meg asks.
“She won’t.” Dean says. Jo is too good for this and Jo hasn’t sold her soul. Both Ellen and Dean made sure of that both separately and together much to Jo’s annoyance, it earned them lectures and rants about how she was an adult and allowed to do whatever she wanted but although they had their ears chewed off a few times Jo had kept her soul. Jo is safe… she has to be so he tells himself she is because if she’s not, Dean doesn’t even want to think about it.
Jo is safe.
Jo is safe.
Jo is safe.
Jo is safe.
Jo is safe.
But the mantra grows thin, Meg doesn’t bluff... does she?
“Oh yes she will baby.” Meg grins. “We’ve got her soul.”
“No you don’t.” Dean shakes his head. It can’t be true.
“Yeah we do, she’s right here.” Meg says and clicks her fingers; Jo appears in front of him, chains around her wrists, chains around her feet.
“Dean please, please help me.” Jo begs, tears in her eyes.
“Jo.” Dean starts towards her but stops, he tries again but still doesn’t move an inch from where he started despite charging with force a line backer would be envious of, there’s some invisible force is stopping him, he can’t get to her, he can’t save her, again he’s letting her down.
“What do you want from me?” Dean asks Meg but doesn’t take his eyes off Jo, afraid if he does she’ll disappear.
“I want you to walk away.” Meg says. Dean is confused, why bring him here to make him leave? Is it just to twist the knife some more, add more guilt to his already heavy soul? It doesn’t make sense but he knows one thing for sure. He won’t leave Jo behind, not again; he’ll stay here for eternity with or without her to save her like he should have in the first place.
“I won’t leave her.” Dean tells Meg, turning to face her and shifting himself so he’s standing between her and Jo, Meg laughs.
“Oh Dean you make such a good hero.” She taunts, she makes the words sound like an insult but that just means he’s doing something right.
“Tell me what you want.” Dean demands.
“Yesterday... i want you to walk away.” Meg says.
“I don’t understand, how can i change what’s already happened?” Dean asks, all he needs is to know what they want him to do and he’ll do it, he’ll do anything to save her. A saving grace or a fatal flaw he’s not sure but either way he doesn’t care.
“Just say yes.” Meg smiles.
“I don’t understand.” Dean waits for an explanation.
“You say yes, you go back to Earth, you go back to yesterday, you turn and you walk away. You don’t fight and you don’t shoot Lucifer in the head.” Meg explains.
“I’m sure your Daddy will be so proud of the deal you’re making, his life for Jo’s soul right? If I do it, you’ll send Jo to Heaven?” Dean asks hoping he doesn’t look as desperate as he is but knowing he wouldn’t care if he does.
“We’ll do better than that.” Meg says. “We’ll give her back to you; on Earth, you and her can be together if you walk away.”
Dean hesitates knowing there has to be a catch.
“Please Dean, say yes. Save me.” Jo begs him, Dean looks at her, barefoot, beaten, bloody, broken, somewhere along the way he’s swallowed the B section of the dictionary, but he doesn’t care because despite everything she still looks beautiful.
“You can have a life together; ya wanna see a sneak preview?” Meg asks and gives him one before he can say anything.
Dean watches him and Jo walk away from the apocalypse, he sees their wedding day, he sees their honeymoon, he watches Jo’s stomach swell with their child, he holds his first son, he and Jo buy a house, he and Jo play with their son, he has a daughter now, his son goes off to school and his daughter takes her first steps, he and Jo have a family, he and Jo are happy.
“Just say yes.” Meg tells him and it all seems so simple.
Say yes, have the life he’s always wanted. Say yes and have Jo by his side. Say yes and Jo’s safe, with him and safe. Say yes.
“Don’t do it Dean.” Jo’s voice is in his head, Dean looks over at the Jo in front of him but her lips haven’t moved, she hasn’t said a word.
“Don’t do it.” Jo repeats in his head.
“Say yes.” The Jo in front of him begs and then he sees it, a glimmer or a shadow he’s not sure, maybe it was nothing at all but suddenly he realises this Jo in front of him, there’s something wrong with her and he starts to back away.
“What’s wrong?” Meg asks.
“Where are you going?” Jo asks stepping forward, her chains pulling tighter. “Don’t leave me Dean, don’t go, please, i love you, don’t you love me?”
“You’re not Jo.” Dean shakes his head.
“What are you talking about?” Jo asks crying. “Of course it’s me.”
“The prove it.” Dean demands. “What was the plan? For me and you and the future?”
“To be together, me and you, together, why are you doing this?” Jo asks him and if he wasn’t so sure it wasn’t her it would break his heart - but it wasn’t - it wasn’t, it wasn’t, it wasn’t, a new mantra forms in his mind and he clings to it, repeating it again and again.
“What did we want?” Dean asks. “Just tell me.”
“Each other, a house, a life, a family.” She’s grasping at straws but he has to hand it to her, she’s good, she’s breaking his heart, she’s fucking brilliant at this or maybe it’s just that she’s Jo, Jo’s face, Jo’s voice, everything he wants her to be and he has to say no, he has to walk away and leave this image of Jo here in hell to burn, but Jo, the REAL Jo, will be safe and that is what Dean clings to as he backs away from Jo’s image.
“Don’t leave me here in hell, why are you doing this? Don’t you love me Dean?” Jo asks and hearing Jo’s voice from not-Jo’s mouth twists him up inside because it can’t be Jo, it just can’t.
“Oh stop it.” Meg smiles. “He already knows.”
The Jo in front of him frowns.
“I could have won him back.” She says and then she’s not Jo, she’s just some other demon, Dean can’t understand how he ever thought she was Jo, he can feel the evil radiating from her, this woman/demon - this bitch is NOT Jo, not even close. Meg’s new best friend, Dean’s new worst enemy, she’s not Jo, she never was and he hates that she wore Jo’s face. Dean glares hard at both of them.
“Does this mean you won’t come play?” Meg asks and laughs.
“I’d say go to hell but.” Dean shrugged and gestured to where they were, Meg smirks.
“Can’t win them all.” She says.
The next thing Dean knows he’s back in his hotel room, the ground hard beneath him, for a moment he struggles for breath, winded and gasping for air but slowly he gets his breath back and that’s when he sees Jo standing over him and scrambles back away from her.
“I said no.” He says reaching for the gun but it’s useless because he knows he could never pull the trigger, not even if it was just that damned bitch wearing Jo’s face again.
“I know you did.” Jo smiles softly. “Thank-you.”
“Jo?” Dean asks his hand falling limp to the floor just beside the shotgun. Jo nods. “It’s really you?”
“It’s really me.” She smiles. “You me and a tape deck.” She adds just to prove it, tears prick at his eyes because it’s Jo.
“What happened?” Dean asks.
“They let me go to come and save you.” Jo says.
“You’re back?” Dean asks hopefully.
“Not for real.” Jo says sadly. “I have to go.”
“Jo please no.” Dean begs. “I love you.”
“I know, I love you too and I’m sorry.” Jo says and then she’s gone. Dean wakes up again alone, the bottle of whiskey empty beside him and he’s unsure of what was a dream, what was his nightmare, what was real, what was the whiskey and what was just a hallucination.
Some days he knows he’d have agreed despite Jo’s protests in his head, he’d do anything to save her, even if it was just the illusion of her but then again Den knows he could have never let that demon bitch wear Jo’s face another second. On bad days he admits that the Jo he has in his head is just the same as that bitch wearing her face, an untruthful lie and possibly a disservice to the real Jo’s memory, sometimes he feels like he’s telling her she wasn’t enough for him but they were still young despite the life they lived (hunters age beyond their years for all the things they see) they were taking the world by storm, the world didn’t have a chance but neither did they against the hellhounds that day, him and Jo, they were made for each other inside and out, they understood each other and she was his vision of heaven, simply herself, blonde hair, blue jeans, a stunning smile, a loaded gun and a good left hook sitting in the passenger seat of the Impala, the road in front of them. She was his everything, the good, the bad, the in-between but he had grown and changed over the years without her, not by choice but it just happened, she would have changed and grown too… but she never got the chance. Honestly all he wanted was her however he could have her.
But Dean Winchester always wanted what he could never have.
It’s another day without Jo and Dean goes through the motions, he’s walking down the street when it happens, he doesn’t think he just acts and then everything is black.
Sam gets the phone call and doesn’t think twice about answering it, it’s not the middle of the night, it’s not just before dawn, it’s 12:30 pm, a phone call is nothing out of the ordinary, it’s doesn’t make his stomach drop or twist or the hairs on the back of his neck stand, he just looks at his phone and then the clock, he has enough time before the meeting, the unknown number doesn’t frighten him so he answers, all professional and business like because it’s Wednesday just before noon, he’s technically still on the clock even if he is out of the office:
“Sam Winchester.”
“Hello, this is Maria Consteles from County Memorial Hospital.” The woman informs him. Mary, Anna, Amber, Dean. Who’s hurt, how badly, what happened?
Dean, hit and run, apparently playing the hero, driving in front of a car to save a woman (Sam just knows that she was a blonde, looking enough like Jo for Dean to think he could get a second chance at saving her, it’s not a bad thing) head injuries, internal bleeding, surgery.
“I’ll be right there.” Sam assures her and doesn’t return from his lunch break to the office for that meeting.
Once he’s at the hospital he calls Amber, finally coming to his senses enough to realise it’s not just him and Dean anymore, they’re not blowing from town to town, they have roots, no he corrects, he has roots, Dean has a house, that’s not the same thing, Dean doesn’t want roots but wanting them or not he’s got them, he’s got connections, he’s got people in his life who care about him.
Even if they can’t be the one person he wants.
Dean wakes up from the blackness to pain and a machine beeping incessantly, at first he thinks it’s an alarm clock and after, judging from the pain he’s in right now, a particularly bad night hunting he doesn’t need this shit, he groans as he goes to roll over but the beeping isn’t close enough to him, he reaches out for Jo and get her to shut it off, she’s always been able to sleep through just about anything after a long hunt so he wants to shake her awake and get her to stop the damn beeping and smirks thinking maybe they could play ‘doctor and nurse’ later but the pain stops him from moving. Shit it must have been a bad hunt, no ‘naughty nurse’ for him then. He opens his eyes to too much brightness and closes them again, they should have shut the damn curtains, he opens his eyes again and squints, which is when he realises - he’s not in a motel room he’s in a hospital room and the machine beeping wasn’t an alarm clock, it was still as annoying as fuck though. There’s a nurse fussing over him, checking the machines and making notes on his chart, eventually she leaves and Dean wonders where Jo is but when he looks around his room and finds Amber at his bedside he remembers everything and it hurts more than all the injuries they’ve got him on the morphine for.
Amber smiles at him and gives a small wave, he tries to speak but his voice is scratchy and his throat on fire, Amber gets him some water, he’s grateful, once he swallows he can speak, his voice is less scratchy and his throat less on fire, it still hurts though.
“Where’s Sam?” is the first thing he asks.
“At home with Anna.” Amber explains, he feels kind of bad for ignoring the fact that she was the one there by his side and simply brushing her aside for his brother because Amber understands him in ways Sam never will bring himself to. Dean nods.
“I… thank-you.” Is all he comes up with when he tries to say everything he’s ever wanted to say to her, something Dean’s in too much pain to figure out flicks across his sister-in-law’s face ad she gives him a small smile.
“You’re welcome.” She manages after a moment, Dean winces when something twists the wrong way. Even more pain envelopes him, and it fucking hurts, he can’t pinpoint the source he can just feel it but he tries to hide it, he’s never been that good at playing the victim. He doesn’t fool Amber though.
“Are you ok?” she asks standing and hovering over him. He wants to tell her he’s fine.
“I’m-” he starts.
“Fine? No.” she shakes her head. “Lying is more like it. I’m getting a nurse and you’re sucking it up.”
She keeps her word and he lives up to his end up the deal. The nurse comes after a few minutes and ups his morphine then hurries back to the nurses’ station; Dean’s cynical enough to believe it’s an ad break in a soap opera that allowed her to come see him, he’s never held much faith in nurses and hospitals. Dean drifts back off to sleep and when he wakes up its two days later and Sam is pacing at the end of his bed. He blinks a few times and the haze envelopes him again. He lets it because it can’t be bothered to fight anymore.
He wakes up later, lunch still on the tray beside his bed, the sun closer to setting than anything else. Sam is there, asleep in the chair next to the bed, Amber comes in and sees Dean.
“You’re awake.” She smiles and comes to sit in the chair on the other side of the bed. Dean nods and falls asleep again.
Over the next couple of weeks he wakes and sleeps at odd hours, when he is conscious the pain is near unbearable, they up his meds then down them, they try different combinations but it’s no use he’s always in pain, he has been since the day Jo died now he just has a better reason to ask for morphine. It dulls everything except the ache of not having been with Jo for 20 years.
Being awake for the most part of a week Dean just wants it to end. Sam notices he’s not himself, Amber notices something’s wrong too she mentions it.
“I’m so tired.” He admits. “I just can’t stand it anymore.”
Amber doesn’t know what to say so she doesn’t say anything.
“I just want to sleep.” Dean says and Amber knows he means more than just a nap.
He dreams of Jo, spends weeks with her the way he should have, he brings her flowers and she tells him she loves him, he knows it’s a dream though not because Jo’s with him, he always feels her even when he doesn’t see her and he’s still holding out hope ‘they’ve’ given her back, that he’s finally earned enough karma points to win her back, like she was some ridiculous stuffed animal at a carnival, then again even carnival folk weren’t as cruel as ‘them’ and if it was that easy, if this was all it would have taken, Dean would have thrown himself in front speeding vehicles years ago.
“We should go to Paris.” She tells him as they’re floating down a calm river in an old rowboat.
“Ok, why?” he asks propping himself up on an elbow to see her.
“Because it’s where they keep the gold.” She says like it’s obvious, then she smiles. The next thing he knows they’re fighting leprechauns by the Eiffel tower cause those bastards are hiding the gold from them which is just not on when they have a life ahead of them of fancy restaurants and 5 star motels and romantic overseas getaways and a mansion in front of them, these are what Jo deserves and when she’ll get if they get the gold but to get the gold they have to fight the leprechauns who keep using magic on them but then Jo blinds one using lucky charms, who knew leprechauns could be brought down by cereal.
Dean wakes up confused, half ready for another attack from those damn stubborn leprechauns, he slowly realises he’s in hospital after being hit by a car, trying to save a girl that looked like Jo because he couldn’t save Jo herself and that was over 20 years ago. Everything he thought was happening was just a hallucination, they’ve got him on a cocktail of powerful drugs and he doesn’t mind too much. Still he doesn’t understand himself sometimes, why would he go after gold when he had Jo? What use would gold be or a trip to get it when he could just be with her? Then he remembers her smile, he’d do anything if she smiled.
“Look at him Sam, he’s in pain.” Amber says, they’re in his hospital bed but he’s asleep, just coming off another round of meds so it’s not exactly as rude as it could be Dean thinks as he’s half there half not.
“He’s not thinking straight.” Is Sam’s answer and Dean wants to go and protest because it’s not just that, Amber understands though.
“He doesn’t want to keep going Sam, he wants to let go.” She says and Dean agrees with her silently.
“And go to what? He wants to die, why? He’s got us.” Sam exclaims.
“But he wants Jo.” Amber says softly.
“Well he can’t always get what he wants.” Sam says stubbornly.
“Sam stop, I know you don’t want to deal with this but you have to, Dean is in pain and he just wants to let go.” Amber says. “And he will whether it’s not while things are close to bearable or whether it’s later because you keep asking him to hold on, I know I’d rather him be comfortable but I can’t make you understand.”
“He’s been out of his mind for 17 days Amber I really don’t think now is the time to-” Sam is cut off halfway through.
“20.” Dean croaks and tries to swallow, sandpaper would be soothing at this point. “Not 17 and not days, it’s 20 years.”
Sam and Amber look over at him puzzled, they’re both frozen, unsure of how much he’s heard and how he’ll react, in his head he’s busy adding it up in his head for a minute, the pain and the tiredness and the medication all swimming around him inside of him making everything he knows just that little bit fuzzier around the edges and even though he’s close enough with 20 he corrects himself to 23, no 24 in November, it’s close enough, halfway through October so 24 years it is.
“24 actually.” He rasps as they both come to stand at his bedside, one on each side, if he wasn’t so doped up he’d have thought about that whole devil on one shoulder angel on the other thing but truthfully he wouldn’t know which to assign to which. Sam is his brother but Amber is the one on his side. Amber also holds a cup of water with a straw in front of him and smiles encouragingly at him, with all the meds flowing through his system right now he swears he’s one step closer to seeing the halo. He drinks it greedily and gratefully and after it he can do more than croak.
“24 years I’ve been out of my mind.” Dean says. “Without Jo I’m not me and I’m in so much fucking pain that I can’t bear it anymore. Please Sammy just let me go.”
He looks at Sam who looks away, Dean looks at Amber for support, she gives it, Dean’s not sure what he expected but her squeezing his hand is reassuring. She smiles kindly at him, it’s kind but it’s sad and Dean feels guilty for that but there’s nothing he can do for that, Amber turns to her husband, Dean turns to his brother.
“Sam.” Amber says tilting her head to Dean.
“I can’t.” Sam says and leaves the room. Amber goes to follow him but Dean tugs on her hand, it’s gentle, only because he’s not strong enough for anything more but it stops Amber in her tracks and pulls her back to him and she stays, giving Sam some time to think. Amber sighs a long exhale and then seemingly brightens, at least to most of the world but Dean sees what’s behind her smile and in her eyes, she still tragically sad but she masks it better than most.
“Do you want to watch TV?” she asks pulling a chair over and sitting in it, grabbing the remote as she did, Dean goes to shrug but doesn’t, it hurts, he didn’t know that. Shrugging equals pain, now he’s screwed on the communication front.
“Yea sounds good.” He manages but Amber’s already flicking through the channels, she settles on a soap, a woman with breasts as fake as the tears on her face is bemoaning the fact that she’s being forced into a marriage of her best friend’s brother’s evil twin and how her true love, her aunt’s son’s girlfriend’s son’s father (who happens to the good twin) isn’t there to stop it. Amber seems to understand what’s going on, Dean sits and lets it wash over him, he presses the pain medication button and tries to relax.
He’s an old man now, far too old to be throwing himself in front of cars for pretty blondes but he had to, it wasn’t even a decision it was what happened, she looked enough like Jo from a short distance that his instincts kicked in and he did what he had too, it’s not Jo and he knows that, he knew it then too but it doesn’t mean he wants to let some pretty little blonde with her whole life ahead of her get hit my an SUV and thrown down onto concrete. During a lucid moment it sort of hits him though he’s old. Everyone is old (everyone but Jo).
Actually (and he’s even embarrassed to admit it) he only notices when Amber is there helping him sit up, as that damn soap opera plays on the screen, Dean doesn’t mind watching it though (currently the bride’s love, the good twin, is fighting his ex on a cliff because she was going to take his son away to Vegas while the bride is getting ready to get married and the big question is will he make it to the church on time?) Dean looks at his sister-in-law and sees it, the extra wrinkles, the years that have passed have written themselves along her face, that’s not to say she looks bad it’s just to say she looks different to what he’s remember despite having seen her at least once a week for years.
Amber has aged gracefully but Dean never realised it, not that it was graceful, just that she was aging, that they all were, he never really stopped to notice the wrinkles gathering around eyes or mouth or forehead, she just always was as she is. Dean knew time was moving on and he watched Mary and Anna grow up, so grown up that Anna’s senior year was fast approaching and Mary was three states away in a dorm room where every guy on campus knew exactly who’s niece she was. But still that doesn’t mean he realised that were old. Not walkers and golfing and retirement old but simply older than they were in the beginning. Then again it’s probably more that the oldest hunters he’s ever known were Ellen ad Bobby and they were both young(ish) to the rest of the world, only 50 something like they are now. Hunters die young so he figures he never stopped to think about what he’d look like later, besides when he dreams of Jo, when she comes to him, they’re almost always just the way they were before she died, young and fun and free, sometimes they grow old together but they seem to been young then ancient (and driving around in the Impala with a tape deck), there’s not much in between, Dean always seen himself the way he was with Jo - 26 and in the Roadhouse, dancing to REO Speedwagon.
Dean has a dream about Jo but the thing about the meds is that he never remembers anything, he jolts awake (pulling some stitches on his side in the process) to Jo’s voice “are you coming home soon babe?” and yeah he hopes he is.
Amber goes home, Dean sort of forces her too, she’s been spending so much time with him, to make sure he doesn’t feel alone but even with her presence he doesn’t feel all that connected, when he dreams he’s with Jo and that’s the connection he wants. Amber says maybe she’ll bring Anna with her next time, or maybe Thursday after school, Wednesday Anna has volleyball practice with the school team, Amber says she’ll ask Anna but only if he’s feeling better, he tells her he will be but she knows it’s a lie. Sam comes in on his lunch break, he doesn’t say anything, just gives Dean a sandwich and sits in what Dean has somehow dubbed Amber’s Chair and puts his feet up on the bed, it’s awkward but Dean pretends not to care. Sam changes the channel just as “Bride” walks down the aisle to “Evil Twin” and “Good Twin” comes running in with “Good Twin Jr” to stop the wedding, Dean finds himself making a mental note to remember to try and be casual when he asks Amber what happened with that cause she’s watching it, she watches sit at work (moving her lunch break around to fit it) and at home she told him it was an easy thing to watch to do the ironing but has noticed how into the shows and the characters she is, she tells him backstories, extremely colourful and ridiculous ones that end up bias to her favourite characters and against the ones she didn’t like, it’s kind of infectious, and Dean has somehow, he has no idea how, but he’s kind of gotten into the show, not that he’ll ever admit it, Sam would have a field day with it, he’s pretty sure if Jo was here she’d laugh, call him a girl and punch him in the shoulder, still he wants the “Bride” to end up with the “Good Twin”, he wants a happy ending, he doesn’t want evil to win.
Sam finishes his sandwich and goes to leave but Dean speaks.
“I love you Sammy, I really do and I don’t know how to thank you for everything you’ve done for me but as much as I care about you and Amber and Mary and Anna, I love Jo more and I don’t want to keep going like this without her anymore, I’m old and I’m in pain and even when all my wounds heal I’ll still be in pain without her. Please, let me go.” He says, Sam says nothing and leaves for the office because his lunch break was over 20 minutes ago.
The doctors say he should be making progress by now but Dean knows he just isn’t trying because he’s already fought so much in his life, demons, himself, his feelings, he’s fought wounds before, been on the brink of death before and came back because he still had more to do in his life, he had demons to kill, a war against evil to fight, the apocalypse to stop, he has had enough. Amber knows it too and she accepts it, Sam knows it too but he’s in denial.
“What the hell is the matter with you?” he asks when he comes into the room, all angry pacing and noise and movement. Dean looks confused but he kind of knows in the back of his mind what it’s about.
“You’re a fighter Dean, why aren’t you fighting?” Sam asks. “You’re rolling over and giving up, that’s weak so man up and fucking fight.”
“I don’t want to Sam.” Dean says. “I’ve been fighting my whole life, don’t you get that? I’ve always been the strong one for as long as I can remember I’ve been fighting something and I don’t want to fight anymore.”
“Why not?” Sam asks.
“Because I’ve got nothing left to fight for, the war is over, you’re ok and Jo is waiting for me.” Dean explains because it really is that simple. Sam sort of deflates and crumples into the chair next to him, he watches as Dean winces and presses hard on the pain button three times in quick succession, Sam notices and realises that Dean is actually in pain, he might be giving up but he never went out and laid down in the street, he did what he was made for and saved someone. So he sat there and they made plans.
“Mary can have the Impala, at least you know it won’t break down not like that piece of crap she’s driving now, Anna can whatever she wants and you and Amber can sell the rest, just give me one thing.” Dean asks and Sam nods because whatever it is Dean’s got it.
“The tape, me and Jo, in the glove box, bury me with it and I’ll be happy.” Dean says and Sam agrees.
Dean dies five days later, a blood clot had broken away and floated up to his brain, it was quick and he was sleeping, the day before he and Amber had been watching the soap again and “Bride” and “Good Twin” had gotten married and gone on their honeymoon, a happier ending Dean has never known but hopes to find his.
Link To Part 2: Maybe We'll Go For A Ride: hynotic-n-crazy.livejournal.com/10946.html