JB 9
ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY BERNIE
This is a sub-culture that is comprised of people who are loyal followers of a morbidly obese man named Bernie. He has Elvis style sideburns with a mustache and goatee and spends his free time sitting around, eating, playing video games and watching the original Star Wars. Bernie has never had a girlfriend and has never even admitted to thinking a girl is hot even when all of the people with him have said so. He is a virtuoso trombonist and loves to play freestyle jazz at seedy clubs downtown. His favorite snack food is Doritos. There is nothing in the universe as stubborn as Bernie, when he makes up his mind ITS MADE UP.
His loyal followers see him as a deity and glorify everything about him, especially his moobs (man boobs). They call themselves Team Bernie because one day they were wasted and it seemed really cool at the time. The members of Team Bernie usually hang out in Kmart during the middle of the day and have a penchant for Mexican soda. Like their leader, Team Bernie loves the original Star Wars and has adopted the view that everything George Lucas made after 1983 is garbage. This is mainly due to the many special editions of the original movies as well as episodes I-III and not to mention Greedo shooting first. They have given many nicknames to Bernie including:
BIG BERNIE
THE MIGHTY FOOD KING
GLORIOUS RULER OF THE SKY
THE BENEVOLENT MASTER OF ALL THINGS
Etc., etc.
The main tradition of Team Bernie is the St. Bernie’s Day Parade. This is a massive eat-fest held the day before Thanksgiving in Bernie’s driveway. The big event during this is when everyone throws full soda cans into the street and watches them explode. They season their hamburgers with different types of Mexican and American soda as well as marshmallows. Malta Goya, a soda that tastes like beans, is always drunk ceremoniously followed by gagging and vomiting due to its horrible taste. After the festivities, Bernie kicks everyone off his property.
Team Bernie will sometimes quote from The Booble (a book filled with stories, poems, songs and proverbs that doesn’t exist) in an attempt to glorify Bernie. The verses usually reflect Bernie’s greatness, the blessings of Bernie and violence. Here are a few verses.
“Glory is only given to the fat”
His Moobs 13:4
“And he flew across the sky on a chariot pulled by fat horses and reigns of sausage.”
Doritos 7:12
“Then Bernie shot him in the face”
Killing Things 5923:414
Word Count: 429
This is a sub-culture that is comprised of people who are loyal followers of a morbidly obese man named Bernie. He has Elvis style sideburns with a mustache and goatee and spends his free time sitting around, eating, playing video games and watching the original Star Wars. Bernie has never had a girlfriend and has never even admitted to thinking a girl is hot even when all of the people with him have said so. He is a virtuoso trombonist and loves to play freestyle jazz at seedy clubs downtown. His favorite snack food is Doritos. There is nothing in the universe as stubborn as Bernie, when he makes up his mind ITS MADE UP.
His loyal followers see him as a deity and glorify everything about him, especially his moobs (man boobs). They call themselves Team Bernie because one day they were wasted and it seemed really cool at the time. The members of Team Bernie usually hang out in Kmart during the middle of the day and have a penchant for Mexican soda. Like their leader, Team Bernie loves the original Star Wars and has adopted the view that everything George Lucas made after 1983 is garbage. This is mainly due to the many special editions of the original movies as well as episodes I-III and not to mention Greedo shooting first. They have given many nicknames to Bernie including:
BIG BERNIE
THE MIGHTY FOOD KING
GLORIOUS RULER OF THE SKY
THE BENEVOLENT MASTER OF ALL THINGS
Etc., etc.
The main tradition of Team Bernie is the St. Bernie’s Day Parade. This is a massive eat-fest held the day before Thanksgiving in Bernie’s driveway. The big event during this is when everyone throws full soda cans into the street and watches them explode. They season their hamburgers with different types of Mexican and American soda as well as marshmallows. Malta Goya, a soda that tastes like beans, is always drunk ceremoniously followed by gagging and vomiting due to its horrible taste. After the festivities, Bernie kicks everyone off his property.
Team Bernie will sometimes quote from The Booble (a book filled with stories, poems, songs and proverbs that doesn’t exist) in an attempt to glorify Bernie. The verses usually reflect Bernie’s greatness, the blessings of Bernie and violence. Here are a few verses.
“Glory is only given to the fat”
His Moobs 13:4
“And he flew across the sky on a chariot pulled by fat horses and reigns of sausage.”
Doritos 7:12
“Then Bernie shot him in the face”
Killing Things 5923:414
Word Count: 429