Inspirations
From time to time I get down. Really down. It has always been this way, and probably it will continue until I die. It is my nature to explore my mind and in this journey I get lost along the way. My internal ramblings and rants get the better of me. I shut myself in, I lock the door. It makes me feel real, it makes me feel purposeful. I stay locked inside myself for so long I have to detach from reality and be reborn inside my mind. I “clean house”. I love writing so much and I realize now why I don’t do it until it is too late. Writing reminds me of why I write, it reminds me of myself and I am ashamed of what I am sometimes, so I cease to write going on thinking, believing everything is OK, everything is normal until the internal and the external meet again by chance or circumstance. Then the battle must rage on once again and I write to wash the blood from my hands, to undergo self-therapy. To heal my wounded mind and go on with life as if nothing had ever been wrong all the while it is constantly wrong. Sometimes I feel that things don’t ever get worked out they only get compromised. You will be amazed at the deals you will make with yourself. But where do those deals get you, most likely worse off than you already are. We are the sum of our compromises with ourselves. To ultimately change who you are you have to be willing to make a better deal with yourself because every decision you make every hour of the day has either a negative or a positive aspect of change for yourself be it physical, financial, or spiritual. Remember the path you choose was chosen by you and you might think you can’t blame yourself, but I do it everyday. When all you do is battle yourself you will always lose. Remember that.
Time to start bearing my soul. . . I have a very addictive personality. Vice number one, and probably the most detrimental to my existence is food. I love to eat. I tend to bury my emotions in thinking of my next meal. I have been this way for most of my life. My parents argued often and I guess as a small child there is no one else to blame but myself, not fully understanding the intrinsic complexities of marriage and survival in the real world. So I would go out of my way to make sure arguments and fights didn’t happen. This carried over into my personal life as well I guess. I tend to avoid situations at all costs that might make a “scene” even with my friends that I feel are going to be argumentative or disagree, I tend not associate with people who are combative in nature. People tend to think of people like me as jovial, likeable, and nice. Truth is that I am. I put all others before me and go out of my way to help others before I would even think about helping myself. In fact, when I do get around to helping myself I feel guilty for even considering it. So you may ask where does that leave me? This particular vice leaves me at about 285 give or take, extremely uneasy about my appearance, pretty low on the ol’ confidence meter, and one pending myocardial infarction.
So there I am at least with one vice out there and many more to follow. This is a glimpse into me. I will continue this journal string as often as I can and see where this particular journey takes me. Hopefully to a better place.
Thad
Time to start bearing my soul. . . I have a very addictive personality. Vice number one, and probably the most detrimental to my existence is food. I love to eat. I tend to bury my emotions in thinking of my next meal. I have been this way for most of my life. My parents argued often and I guess as a small child there is no one else to blame but myself, not fully understanding the intrinsic complexities of marriage and survival in the real world. So I would go out of my way to make sure arguments and fights didn’t happen. This carried over into my personal life as well I guess. I tend to avoid situations at all costs that might make a “scene” even with my friends that I feel are going to be argumentative or disagree, I tend not associate with people who are combative in nature. People tend to think of people like me as jovial, likeable, and nice. Truth is that I am. I put all others before me and go out of my way to help others before I would even think about helping myself. In fact, when I do get around to helping myself I feel guilty for even considering it. So you may ask where does that leave me? This particular vice leaves me at about 285 give or take, extremely uneasy about my appearance, pretty low on the ol’ confidence meter, and one pending myocardial infarction.
So there I am at least with one vice out there and many more to follow. This is a glimpse into me. I will continue this journal string as often as I can and see where this particular journey takes me. Hopefully to a better place.
Thad