Don't Shop When You're Hungry, Don't Blog When You're Depressed
Despite the late hour, I've been thinking about posting for a while. I feel I need to write something, anything, to get my head organised and have it all written down somewhere; unordered, possibly incomplete, but it's something. A metaphor for my life, perhaps.
Work is my focus these days. I made the tearful shift from the Public Sector Commission to WorkCover WA about 10 days ago, and I haven't had time to 'process' yet. I've been straight into a new project (circumstances being what they are, can't be helped) and I'm suffering a bit of stress - manageable, but it's not good when I'm dreaming about intranets or sitting in meetings shaking visibly from adrenaline. I've requested a couple of weeks off once the project is complete to unwind. Maybe I'll go somewhere, maybe I won't, but I just need the break which I should have taken between jobs (and perhaps even earlier - I think I've got quite a lot of annual leave accrued, actually...). Luckily I've had the good fortune of having another supportive and caring manager, and I think I would be a shattered shell without her enthusiasm and humour (albeit an extremely productive shattered shell; I don't think I can turn off my habitually high output).
Mum asked me when I finished at PSC if I wanted to go on a trip to Adelaide (why Adelaide, I don't know), but I didn't really want the stress of going away. I had planned to go to Albany to visit Anthony's family (including his new nephew, Mason), but they came up to Perth instead and so I was saved some of the stress there and had a fabulous time. I have reflected that perhaps I should go somewhere, but the only places I want to go aren't things I have anyone in mind that I would like to come with me. I've had a couple of people suggest that I do the obvious - go alone - but I can barely face the outside of my front door without a familiar face, let alone the outside of this country. I think I'll probably just 'manning up' and doing it, eventually, and no doubt it'll be to the benefit of both my emotions and maturity.
In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy living alone while the going is still good. Last weekend was really peaceful for me; I just spent time at home playing computer games, catching up on my TV shows (there's nothing sadder than being too exhausted from work to even watch TV), and reading one of my Diablo books. I enjoyed the glow of liberation, of doing things for myself and reflecting in small successes. Those that know me would probably guess that's all I do of any weekend, but it's actually not often that I don't have at least one social engagement (usually catching up with Anthony). It was a nice holiday from routine, anyway.
Tonight I think I'm perhaps a bit drained - certainly more emotionally volatile than I should be. It reminds me of the way I remember feeling when I started this journal: a little disconnected, lonely and unheard. I do think it's cleansing to cry once in a while, and I'm reassured by the simple fact that I can't remember when the last time was (ah, I just remembered - about 4 months ago... still, not too shabby). The reason for the tears is nothing less superficial than the standard Life Assessment At Milestone Age. I'm 25 in a few weeks, and with that comes the requisite measurement of one's life against one's goals.
The ever present goals for 2009 hang over my head - I've still no progress on the driver's license, I'm still 20kgs away from my weight goal, and I've got too many things to buy to save the $3000 I had intended (a new couch, a decent garden, and - aha - a car). Even the making three new friends target seems laughably unsatisfied by my present predicament; feeling like there's nobody I can really talk to about the things that are upsetting me without feeling burdensome or selfish. Actually, just thinking about that, there's one particular friend I can talk to about everything... that makes me feel slightly better (*makes a mental note to catch up with them soon*). Still, I'm not exactly where I had admittedly optimistically planned to be at this stage of the year.
That said, the year aint over yet. I may not achieve my goals verbatim, but I do have plans as to how I'm going to work towards them. I'm going to get back into the gym (albeit through work, I've lost confidence in the one down the road). I'm going to purchase a car (Simon, I'm looking at you) and learn to drive (Anthony, I'm looking at you) - even if I have to get a lift to the licensing centre from mum to do it. I'm going to buy a new couch, because there's nothing worse than being uncomfortable when you're trying to feel sorry for yourself. Finally, I'm going to make it my goal to give myself some slack on the milestones generally - that my focus is work is fine, and while I'm not achieving the goals I thought I would be, I am still making life-progress that is worthwhile.
Until next time.
10:51pm