Find Another That Doesn't Always Make You Wanna Cry
So I have/had this friend that caused the anguish of my last entry, and tonight I needed answers. There's always been something off about our relationship; I felt it's unnecessarily tumultuous and I couldn't work out why. I felt for my own good I needed to either fix or end this, but I lacked any way to verbalise it, so I just started talking to him... just typing whatever I was thinking. As he was being verbose/cryptic/both, it ended up turning into a stupidly strict yes/no question/answer game (I guess a forthright answer was too much to ask). It seemed that I was doing all the work (it has seemed like that for much of the friendship, actually); there's nothing as draining as feeling like you're being set up to fail in some sort of social experiment.
I know that he's an independent guy and that's something he values - I wouldn't be the first to have a problem with it. He tells me he doesn't care if we're friends or not, and I'm not sure how to take that - if it hadn't been meant personally, I know he's probably thinking about it from the perspective that he'll easily adjust with or without me, but on a personal level it hurts to hear that. What value does he place on me if he's not fussed if I just leave? I had flashbacks of Anthony, who never put up a fight - but at least he admitted when he was wrong, and showed that he was upset. This friend never admits being wrong, and will put me down to distract from any fault of his own.
Then there was this bit, which came after I finally worded some questions I thought I could get straight answers from:
8:49:06 PM Me: do you see value in our friendship?
8:49:49 PM Him: yes
8:50:21 PM Me: do you think I'm doing my best being a friend to you?
8:50:33 PM Me: (...at being...)
8:50:48 PM Him: yes (i cant know forsure but i think yes)
8:51:02 PM Me: are you doing your best at being a friend to me?
8:52:27 PM Him: yes
8:53:27 PM Me: that's all I needed to know
8:53:29 PM Me: thanks
8:53:53 PM Him: be careful with yes/no conversations... im glad you are happy.
8:54:40 PM Me: well, not happy... but I can't ask for more than your best
8:55:00 PM Him: yes
8:56:52 PM Me: I'll leave you to your work then... good luck with it
8:57:17 PM Him: thanks
Almost a minute and a half to come to the conclusion that yes, he's doing his best - though the delay could mean a bunch of things (probably that he was distracted by something else, because I can't believe he was giving the question the thought the situation deserved). Regardless, that he stuck to his yes/no answer without determination to elaborate, console, or pacify... hurt. It was like bashing my head with a blood-filled stone, but the only blood coming out was mine. I don't know how much faith I can put in such an insensitive answer, even if technically it was following the strained 'yes/no' format. What he lacked in empathy he made up for in apathy.
I can't imagine having such a staccato conversation with any of my other friends; they wouldn't put me through that and I probably wouldn't put up with it from them. So why do I suffer through these games with this guy? Probably because I'm searching for the answers that will never come... at least, not from him.
I do sincerely wish him happiness, I'm just not sure he'd know how to express sincerity in wishing the same for me.
Until next time.
11:30pm
I know that he's an independent guy and that's something he values - I wouldn't be the first to have a problem with it. He tells me he doesn't care if we're friends or not, and I'm not sure how to take that - if it hadn't been meant personally, I know he's probably thinking about it from the perspective that he'll easily adjust with or without me, but on a personal level it hurts to hear that. What value does he place on me if he's not fussed if I just leave? I had flashbacks of Anthony, who never put up a fight - but at least he admitted when he was wrong, and showed that he was upset. This friend never admits being wrong, and will put me down to distract from any fault of his own.
Then there was this bit, which came after I finally worded some questions I thought I could get straight answers from:
8:49:06 PM Me: do you see value in our friendship?
8:49:49 PM Him: yes
8:50:21 PM Me: do you think I'm doing my best being a friend to you?
8:50:33 PM Me: (...at being...)
8:50:48 PM Him: yes (i cant know forsure but i think yes)
8:51:02 PM Me: are you doing your best at being a friend to me?
8:52:27 PM Him: yes
8:53:27 PM Me: that's all I needed to know
8:53:29 PM Me: thanks
8:53:53 PM Him: be careful with yes/no conversations... im glad you are happy.
8:54:40 PM Me: well, not happy... but I can't ask for more than your best
8:55:00 PM Him: yes
8:56:52 PM Me: I'll leave you to your work then... good luck with it
8:57:17 PM Him: thanks
Almost a minute and a half to come to the conclusion that yes, he's doing his best - though the delay could mean a bunch of things (probably that he was distracted by something else, because I can't believe he was giving the question the thought the situation deserved). Regardless, that he stuck to his yes/no answer without determination to elaborate, console, or pacify... hurt. It was like bashing my head with a blood-filled stone, but the only blood coming out was mine. I don't know how much faith I can put in such an insensitive answer, even if technically it was following the strained 'yes/no' format. What he lacked in empathy he made up for in apathy.
I can't imagine having such a staccato conversation with any of my other friends; they wouldn't put me through that and I probably wouldn't put up with it from them. So why do I suffer through these games with this guy? Probably because I'm searching for the answers that will never come... at least, not from him.
I do sincerely wish him happiness, I'm just not sure he'd know how to express sincerity in wishing the same for me.
Until next time.
11:30pm