Escapism Velocity
I forgot how much one tends to think about things when one lives alone. Every issue is considered, judged for its merits, its ethical dilemmas explored, a conclusion drawn, and then discarded as the next thought takes prominence. It's an exhausting process when one undertakes it for hours on end (never intentionally, it's just life). So other than it being 2am, I'm exhausted for the considerations of humanity, its lack of merits, its myriad ethical dilemmas and inevitable conclusions.
I rely heavily on opportunities for escapism in my day-to-day life; I look for comedic options especially, whether it be catching up with a favourite friend for a chuckle or watching an entertaining sitcom, rerun or otherwise. I'm almost all the way through the sixth (and final) series of Sex and the City, and I'm looking for my next avenue of escapism which will turn my pain off for two hour blocks of bliss. I haven't taken the opportunity to find myself new friends; I'm still holding onto Anthony in the one avenue that would make a difference (WoW, where I spend all my time anyway). It still hurts every day, and waking up crying or screaming or both doesn't help.
It doesn't take much to depress me these days, and that comes with the whole overly active internal dialoguing. One of the stupid things about depression is that recognition and confronting it, that is the action in and of itself, does not address nor resolve that depression... it's like "well fuck, I'm depressed now". It would be ideal if just saying it out loud made it go away, like the boogieman in the shadows... alas I can still feel the chemicals in my system making me feel 'icky' and sad. I hate them, and that hate feeds them, like the emotional Dark Side of the Force.
The best parts of my life right now are my job and my future house. I can't find happiness otherwise... I know what I need to do, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Until next time.
2:28am
I rely heavily on opportunities for escapism in my day-to-day life; I look for comedic options especially, whether it be catching up with a favourite friend for a chuckle or watching an entertaining sitcom, rerun or otherwise. I'm almost all the way through the sixth (and final) series of Sex and the City, and I'm looking for my next avenue of escapism which will turn my pain off for two hour blocks of bliss. I haven't taken the opportunity to find myself new friends; I'm still holding onto Anthony in the one avenue that would make a difference (WoW, where I spend all my time anyway). It still hurts every day, and waking up crying or screaming or both doesn't help.
It doesn't take much to depress me these days, and that comes with the whole overly active internal dialoguing. One of the stupid things about depression is that recognition and confronting it, that is the action in and of itself, does not address nor resolve that depression... it's like "well fuck, I'm depressed now". It would be ideal if just saying it out loud made it go away, like the boogieman in the shadows... alas I can still feel the chemicals in my system making me feel 'icky' and sad. I hate them, and that hate feeds them, like the emotional Dark Side of the Force.
The best parts of my life right now are my job and my future house. I can't find happiness otherwise... I know what I need to do, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Until next time.
2:28am