Broken Continued
Anyway to where I left off this morning. I realize now that by not allowing myself that time to heal the wounds Ryan has caused me I'm not allowing anyone to really get close to me. I mean I know what I should be feeling...but that is all it is. It's the knowledge....but there is no emotion behind. I've also come to realize I've let the men I have dated (only a couple did not do this) destroy me. I've let them put into my head and feelings that I am not beautiful..that I am not good enough and that when they do complement ment me that it's a lie and all they want is sex. I've let it all get ingrained into myself. They taught me well those bastards. It all goes back to being cheated and lied to...and it's amazeing how well that wound will sit and fester for the rest of your life. It opens up and bleeds everytime something reminds you of what has happened in the past. It's like a warning a red flag telling oyu don't be stupid he's just saying that or lies it's all lies or wow look once again another line being thrown at me that I've heard before and we know what happend with that or yea you know what he REALLY wants. It has turned me into not believeing a damn word..and not bleieveing that I could actually find love that won't hurt me for once. It's come down to I can't feel it...not in a realtionship..I know I should...but..I'm lossing it. and men wonder why we strive to be sexy and thin and have big boobs and ot go get plastic surgery it's all because we are trying to live up to their damn ideals of what a woman should look like. we are trying to chase after thier obssesions. Along with strip clubs and oh so hot britney spears...they should look at the way they treat us. they make us feel unpretty by sitting there with the one they supposedly care about and say wow she is hot i would bang her if i got the chance. Or that stupid it's in a different area code so it dosen' matter bullshit. Or hey let's go to the strip club ot look at hot chics. I'm sorry but the strip club should only be for single men or those people with open relationships . If you have a signifcant other why in hell are you there in the first place when you have someone perfectly good at home. If you feel the need to be there then you should not be in a relationship at all and that includes marriage. I'm sick of men and how they treat us!!! We are not just sex objects either!!!
Another thing I have foudn out is that the only one I can still feel for is Ryan..and I wanna know why. I don't understand it. After all that boy has put me through I should hate him..but I just can't and at the same time I won't. But it bothers me that he has been the one that has always put the certian light in my eye...Tom has seen it and I feel so bad dor it. Could it be becuase Ryan is the only one I have let in or is it just because of the years we have been through together?? But somehing tells me that is not it. I do belive that Ryan and I are soulmates...but all we do is argue...yet he is the one that brings that light to my eyes and no matter what he has done I always forgive him. I know that if anyone else has pulled half the shit he has they would have been dropped like yesterays news. Hell they would not have gotten the chance to get that far. I dunno I am totally lost over all this....So yea for not the rant is done.
Another thing I have foudn out is that the only one I can still feel for is Ryan..and I wanna know why. I don't understand it. After all that boy has put me through I should hate him..but I just can't and at the same time I won't. But it bothers me that he has been the one that has always put the certian light in my eye...Tom has seen it and I feel so bad dor it. Could it be becuase Ryan is the only one I have let in or is it just because of the years we have been through together?? But somehing tells me that is not it. I do belive that Ryan and I are soulmates...but all we do is argue...yet he is the one that brings that light to my eyes and no matter what he has done I always forgive him. I know that if anyone else has pulled half the shit he has they would have been dropped like yesterays news. Hell they would not have gotten the chance to get that far. I dunno I am totally lost over all this....So yea for not the rant is done.