Unfinished Chapters
Sometimes I wish things would come a bit more clearly so I know what the fuck is going on. In all honesty I don't know what to expect from a certain someone because the their mood changes frequently and it's just all fucking mixed up signals. I don't know which way to go and all I can do is just stand there and be like... ok now what. I don't know what to expect from each minute cuz they could just suddenly change there mind. So I'm stuck I guess you could say but at the same time I just don't care. I'm ready to go and I'm ready to stay which ever comes as the answer. So yea I've made sure not to get attached but yet care enough...and personally I think that is the best choice I've made about this whole mess. It keeps me at a safe distance and allows me to turn and walk away if need be with no deep involvement. Surpriseingly that is how I like it. It bothers me a bit that I am like this but at the same time I'm more then fine with it. there are just somethings I do't want to get too involved in right away like I used to when I was nieve. I'm a bit more cautious I tread carefully and I refuse to be played into something I'm not sure about. I'm makeing sure I don't get attached so in the long run I can just walk away and not be hurt. I guess right now attachment does scare me..but hey could you blame me after all I've been through. Do I secretly want it...yea maybe deep down inside..do I trust it..HELL NO! I want to be able to just get up and go with no feelings attached and no hurt. I guess part of me wants to be truned loose and another part is looking for someone to trust...yea finding that in a guy would be a miracle.
I've come to believe that there is no such thing as the perfect man for you...I mean come on the world is full of assholes that want to just use you for their enjoyment. Gotta love me they feed you lines and lead you around and toy with your head like your a play thing with no feelings. Inconsiderate bastards. As for soulmates...yea ok I'll never find mine...well I though I did but he got away along time ago and I'll never have that emotional attachment with anyone again. I could never feel that closeness with anyone again. could I love again yea and granted each person is different so your love for them will be different...but I'll never have what Ryan and I have had. There was just something there that I can't explain...it was something more and I have never felt it with anyone else. Part of me wishes him the best happiness and the other part wishes he was with me now. That boy has my head so royally fucked up I don't think I'll ever get over it. I still feel like I'm connected to him in so many ways ...Like I said I can't really explain it...unless you've been there and then you would know what I'm talking about. do I believe me and Ryan are soulmates...yea I do...but I try to forget...i try to forget how much I love him...I try everyday...and everyday something reminds me of him...and I'm brought back to square one of trying to forget. As for love at first sight...yea right I don't believe in it. How can you love someone you don't know. Did I use to believe in it..yea because I loved ryan fro mthe moment I laid eyes on him...now look where it got me. Fucked up in the head and trying to move on somehow but knowing deep down I love him and I want to be with him...but then that brings up more issues. So somethings are better left undone and unsaid. There is a reason we are not together...whatever that reason maybe I have no idea. Maybe one day I'll know but til then it's a chapter in my life that has never been finished and has an open ending. I hate unfinished business....
I've come to believe that there is no such thing as the perfect man for you...I mean come on the world is full of assholes that want to just use you for their enjoyment. Gotta love me they feed you lines and lead you around and toy with your head like your a play thing with no feelings. Inconsiderate bastards. As for soulmates...yea ok I'll never find mine...well I though I did but he got away along time ago and I'll never have that emotional attachment with anyone again. I could never feel that closeness with anyone again. could I love again yea and granted each person is different so your love for them will be different...but I'll never have what Ryan and I have had. There was just something there that I can't explain...it was something more and I have never felt it with anyone else. Part of me wishes him the best happiness and the other part wishes he was with me now. That boy has my head so royally fucked up I don't think I'll ever get over it. I still feel like I'm connected to him in so many ways ...Like I said I can't really explain it...unless you've been there and then you would know what I'm talking about. do I believe me and Ryan are soulmates...yea I do...but I try to forget...i try to forget how much I love him...I try everyday...and everyday something reminds me of him...and I'm brought back to square one of trying to forget. As for love at first sight...yea right I don't believe in it. How can you love someone you don't know. Did I use to believe in it..yea because I loved ryan fro mthe moment I laid eyes on him...now look where it got me. Fucked up in the head and trying to move on somehow but knowing deep down I love him and I want to be with him...but then that brings up more issues. So somethings are better left undone and unsaid. There is a reason we are not together...whatever that reason maybe I have no idea. Maybe one day I'll know but til then it's a chapter in my life that has never been finished and has an open ending. I hate unfinished business....