“...no turning back now.”
Having trouble falling asleep.
. so naturally I google how to kill oneself by slitting wrists. How painful is it. Is the “right way” and “wrong way” a myth?
Just to clarify, I’m not feeling suicidal but I often question suicidal ideation and wanting to die. I think I’ve spent a fair amount of my life feeling suicidal but not wanting to actively die. There is a distinction. The one time I felt my life was in danger I immediately called for help - albeit asking for a bandaid which clearly was not going to cut it (no pun intended) - so I value my life. But there are certain aspects of myself or my experiences I wish to kill off.
I wonder a lot about death and what happens afterwards. Do we ever see our loved ones again? What happens? Does anything happen? I have spent so much time thinking about reunification with those I have lost... is that all for naught? Are we just here one second and gone the next? No memory. No consciousness. Nothing.
I miss C. I miss him most when I see his face or hear his voice. If I avoid him and anything to do with him, I am generally okay. Faced with his voice proves a challenge time and time again. So I avoid. And I continue to avoid until I miss him and need to hear him. Then I get sad and depressed and stuck and sometimes when I’m stuck I turn to physical pain to become unstuck. It works well as a coping mechanism... albeit a flawed and maladaptive one.
I opened a new client this week who witnessed his best friend take his life. I was blindsided. And so triggered with my own intimate relationship with depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s been my hardest hour to date. I hope I can help him and my own shit doesn’t get in the way. Maybe we will help each other in some ways.
I have more good days than bad days so that’s an improvement. But I feel guilty for avoiding what pains me - I guess we all do that in one way or another. It’s a catch 22... I miss his voice but hearing it is too much at times. Stuck.