it was more of saying that I have no life, that its very drull, maybe I should have said "and I choose to keep my mouth shut" because its my own fault my life is so boring, I never party, I never do anything exciting, I'm so jealous of all those that can jsut let go and do all that stuff... so yes, I'm mute. I need to go on a 5 day drug binge at least once, drive home drunk late at nite in fear for my life because I can't stay wherever the fuck I'm at, I just want to have a life, have something interesting to share with whom ever if ever I end up with someone as well as my children. I don't want to look back and say, wow, I did completely fucking shit in my life, I was too busy preparing and not doing, and thats what I do... I prepare, I think, I contemplate. I'm a philosopher with no book. I live a dull trite meaningless life, and I'm tired of that, very much so. I want to have fun, but... I just can't seem to let myself go... I hate thinking and I hate worrying *Sigh* I'm always waiting for the next moment, always pausing at that crucial moment that I SHOULD have jumped. my life is entirely in my head and entirely fantasy.... *Sigh*
Wow, you're so me.. but i don't need a fuckin 5 day drug binge, and i don't need to drive myself home drunk, fuck that, that's not fun, that's crap, that's hidin' from reality. and it's ok living in fantasy sometimes. i worry and i cry too much, and i hate myself and my life too much, and i just looked at a bunch of old pictures of me, and i realized, wow, even though shit has always sucked on my ass, it was sorta fun, it wasn't so bad 'cuz it keeps on growing. don't let yourself view You through someone else's eyes, we don't need to be them, we don't even need to be loved by them. we have our own gifts and we don't need to be different and we don't need to be typical, we just need to be us, and live like us, and laugh at the little jokes that no one else gets. and that's fuckin ok with me, don't give in to the bullshit, doll, you're better than that, there is a little hole in you and it lets me see inside, and what i see is so bright. reality is what we make it, and if we'd just look up right when we're in the middle of crying, we'd both see that something great is happening.
I just don't see the greatness right now in my life, and every time I look back on my life, I jsut think... wow... thats it... thats all you've done in your life? Yeah, I don't really want a 5 day binge and I don't want to drive drunk, I was jsut giving examples of the "horrible" things that people do. I mean, right now all I can say is, I've had a lot of sex, that I've gotten my heart broken a billion times, and that I sit around most the time trying to get someone to hang out with me... bla bla bla... thanks for saying I'm better than that, but I don't want to be better, I just want to be me, I want to stop feeling like I'm either shit, or better than everyone... *Sigh* you're on now, so I'm going.
hahahahah, damn it, you should sleep with me, then I'd listen, HAHAHAHAHA, j/k... I know you're right... *sigh* its just, I do WANT more... I guess we all do though.
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but i don't need a fuckin 5 day drug binge, and i don't need to drive myself home drunk, fuck that, that's not fun, that's crap, that's hidin' from reality. and it's ok living in fantasy sometimes. i worry and i cry too much, and i hate myself and my life too much, and i just looked at a bunch of old pictures of me, and i realized, wow, even though shit has always sucked on my ass, it was sorta fun, it wasn't so bad 'cuz it keeps on growing. don't let yourself view You through someone else's eyes, we don't need to be them, we don't even need to be loved by them. we have our own gifts and we don't need to be different and we don't need to be typical, we just need to be us, and live like us, and laugh at the little jokes that no one else gets. and that's fuckin ok with me, don't give in to the bullshit, doll, you're better than that, there is a little hole in you and it lets me see inside, and what i see is so bright. reality is what we make it, and if we'd just look up right when we're in the middle of crying, we'd both see that something great is happening.
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