Shakes
I don't know why, but I have the shakes really bad, I can hardly hold my arms still, and when I walk up or down stairs I feel like I'm going to collapse. The leg thing has being going on since I got sick last and only happens when I get excited lately... but the arm thing has only really been there since New Years and I wasn't really worried about it until after what happened with April and I and it got worse.... it keeps getting worse, today its really really bad and I don't know why its even happening. Today I feel bitter, Yesterday wasn't too bad, but for some reason yesterday I had really high hopes, anbd today I'm just kinda bla. I'm being forced in directions I don't want to go, and its by everyone around me, but maybe its for the best, who knows. I'm a slave to everyone else. Especially to my mother, she is forcing me into college, she doesn't care what college as long as I go, thats great, I'm sure I'll do wonderful when I don't even want to fucking be there. She is also forcing me to find a job, which I don't even care about work anymore, I've given up on it, I'm not social enough for a real job and I frankly just don't give a damn enough, they just always seem so fucking demeaning. And with April, well, I'm being forced to not be in a relationship, but, that may be good, maybe it will make us stronger, and if it doesn't make us stronger it will at least allow her to become stronger and do the things she feels she needs to do... though I still wish I could be a part of them, be a part of her and her life. Anyhow, I guess she has to do what she has to do, and if I'm not a part of that *sigh* then all I can do is leave her alone and hope for the best. I want to call her so badly, but, I don't want to barge in on her life, don't want to make it seem like I'm bothering her or anything, I don't even know if that makes any sense... oh well, I've gone on about this enough so I'll talk later.