"Lokasenna" Condensed
And just like that, half a year passed.
I really should get around to reviewing the rest of Polychrome, but for now... here's a little story from the ol' Norse myths.
Basically, I've taken the dramatic poem Lokasenna ("Loki's Wrangling"), which is basically about Loki insulting all the other gods. The poem is often used as an example of how clever and witty and eloquent Loki is... but you know, if you look behind all those fancy words and focus on what he's actually saying, Loki in this poem really doesn't come across as either of those things.
So here it is -- Lokasenna, condensed and translated to modern-day English:
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Aegir, the host, and a sort of sea-god (No lines).
Loki, god of mischief and deceit.
Odin, king of the gods and father to most of them.
Frigg, queen of the gods and Odin's wife.
Bragi, god of poetry.
Idunn, goddess of youth and Bragi's wife.
Njord, god of the sea, far more legit than Aegir, and father of Frey and Freya.
Skathi, goddess of skiing, wife of Njord (but not mother of Frey and Freya).
Frey, god of agriculture and son of Njord.
Freya, goddess of love and daughter of Njord.
Vidar, the silent god. (No lines.)
Tyr, god of war.
Heimdall, watchman of the gods.
Gefion, goddess of ploughing and virginity. Yes, seriously.
Sif, goddess of the hearth and Thor's wife.
Thor, god of thunder, absent for most of the poem.
Balder, the god who died.
And introducing…
Fimafeng, Aegir's servant.
Eldir, Aegir's other servant.
Byggvir, Frey's servant.
Beyla. Frey's servant and Byggvir's wife.
Aegir holds a party for the gods. Most of them are there... except for Thor, who has an appointment in the East and has promised to stop by later. Everyone else is having a good time, though, and Aegir's servants, Fimafeng and Eldir, serve everyone lots of tasty beer.
Everyone:
This beer is excellent! And the servants are really skilled at pouring it! Hooray for Fimafeng and Eldir!
Loki:
What? Someone is praised who isn't me? Can't have that! Die, Fimafeng!
Everyone else:
Oh no, he killed Fimafeng! You bastard!
Loki:
...Bye!
Loki manages to escape the angry gods. After they've given up chasing him and gone back to the party, he decides to go back as well.
Loki:
After all, I didn't finish my beer. Hey, Eldir, can I come back in? What’s going on in there?
Eldir:
They've started drinking again, but wouldn’t advise you to go in there. Everyone's peeved at you. You kinda ruined the party by killing Fimafeng for no good reason.
Loki:
Oh, really? I’ll just go in and tell them all what I think of them.
Eldir:
No, listen! Everyone's really angry at you, get it?!
Loki:
Watch it, or I’ll insult you too.
Loki forces his way past Eldir. The gods all fall silent when they see Loki enter.
Loki:
Hey, guys! Oh, c’mon, now, nobody wants to greet me? Either invite me to join you, or tell me to get lost.
Bragi:
Get lost.
Loki:
Odin, come on, we're blood-brothers, you used to be cool. Let me stay.
Odin (sigh):
Okay, I don't have the energy to put up with this whining, and it's bad form to kill your blood-brother, especially when you're both guests in someone else's house. You can stay, Loki, if you sit down, shut up and behave. Vidar, get him a drink.
Vidar:
…
Vidar, who has no spoken lines in this poem, but who is no doubt thinking a lot of nasty things, gets Loki a beer.
Loki:
Cheers, everyone! I drink to your health - except for Bragi, that is. He can go off and die for all I care.
Bragi:
I knew this would happen. First you kill a guy for no reason, then you beg your way back to the party and as soon as you open your mouth you begin hurling insults. If I give you a horse and a gold ring, will you go away?
Loki:
As if you had a horse and a gold ring to give. You're a dirty coward, and everyone knows it.
Bragi:
If killing you wouldn't be a serious brech of party etiquette, I'd totally kill you for that!
Loki:
Pshaw, you're all talk! You couldn't kill a sick housefly!
Idunn:
Bragi, don't get him started.
Loki:
Shut up, Idunn, you're a slut!
Idunn:
I wasn't talking to you, okay? I just don't want any fighting!
Gefion:
Yeah, can't we just get along?
Loki:
Shut up, Gefion, you're a slut too!
Odin:
Loki, you always do this. Leave Gefion alone, she's cool.
Loki:
Shut up, Odin, you're a doddering incompetent who gives victory to people who don't deserve it!
Odin:
A least I didn't spend eight years in the form of a milkmaid and gave birth to several children!
Loki:
No, you just took on the form of a sexy witch and tried to seduce random men!
Frigg:
This is stupid. You two are aware that nobody here is interested in your sexual experimentations, right?
Loki:
Shut up, Frigg, you're a slut!
Frigg (sigh):
I wish Balder was here. He wouldn't have stood for this.
Loki:
But he's not! And you know why? I killed him! Hah!
Freya:
Are you seriously confessing to murder right here, with everyone present?
Loki:
Shut up, Freya, you're a slut!
Freya:
Your insults aren't very original, are they?
Loki:
Well, you also fucked your own brother… and then you farted! So there!
Njord:
Enough with the slut-shaming! Double standard, much?! Who's the father and the mother of the world's biggest monsters?
Loki:
Shut up, Njord, you're just a stupid hostage, and I'm pretty sure you've got a watersports fetish.
Njord:
And yet, unlike you, I have a son that everyone likes.
Loki:
Yeah, a son you had with your sister! Ew, ewwww, Frey sucks!
Tyr:
Hey, don't diss my man Frey! He's a great guy!
Loki:
Shut up, Tyr, you only have one hand!
Tyr:
True, and the wolf who bit off my other hand - and that wolf was your son, might I add - is now chained up and will remain chained until Doomsday.
Loki:
…yeah, well, shut up, Tyr, I fucked your wife! Who, by the way is a sluuuuuuuuuut!
Frey:
Seriously, Loki, will you quit this? Your insults are neither as clever nor as funny as you seem to think.
Loki:
Who are you to talk? You gave away your sword in order to marry some stupid woman, and now you don't have a sword, ha ha!
Byggvir:
You can't talk to my master Frey that way!
Loki:
…who the hell are you?
Byggvir:
My name is Byggvir, and I -
Loki:
Yeah, I don't actually care. You look like a total loser anyway.
Heimdall:
Loki, I think you should seriously consider giving up drinking.
Loki:
Shut up, Heimdall! You're just a lowly watchman, nobody cares about you!
Skathi:
Loki, either you quit this crap, or we tie you up for eternity like that stupid wolf son of yours.
Loki:
Maybe you will… but I killed your father, nyah nyah!
Skathi:
All the more reason for me to be the one who ties you down!
Loki:
Doesn't change the fact that you're a slut!
Sif:
…look, Loki, just have some more beer, and let's forget all this insulting-everyone-in-the-room nonsense, hmm? We used to be friends!
Sif, in a clear desperate attempt to stop Loki from making "you're a slut" the Most Used Phrase Of The Day, gives him some more beer.
Loki:
Well… Sif, you're the only goddess in here who's not a slut. You're more of a frigid bitch. Except for the fact that you totally are a slut, and I banged you.
Beyla:
Hey, I think Thor's arriving! He'll put a stop to this!
Loki:
Shut up, Beyla, you're a slut.
And then Thor arrives, demonstrating that he has some keen hearing, because he's heard what's been going on and now he's pretty angry at Loki.
Thor:
Okay, that's it! You stop flapping your mouth now, or I beat you senseless with my hammer!
Loki:
Oh, uh, Thor! Ummm…. Why so angry? You're not such hot stuff!
Thor:
You have until the count of three, and then I smash your skull in!
Loki:
You're a coward -
Thor:
One!
Loki:
- and a weakling -
Thor:
TWO!
Loki:
All right, all right, I'm leaving! But only because I know you're the only one here who actually would hit me.
Loki turns and walks to the door.
Loki:
Aegir, this was a lousy party. And it'll be the last one you ever throw. Bye.
Shortly after this, Loki is caught and tied up, and Skathi makes a serpent spit acid at him for eternity.
Moral of the story:
If you've just killed someone for no good reason, and then feel the need to go back to the house where all the angry gods who witnessed the murder are... don't do it.
If you absolutely have to, and then by some miracle avoid having your face punched in... don't start yelling about how they all suck.
If you can't avoid this either, then at the very least don't start bragging about all those other murders you totally got away with.
And if you do that... well, you only have yourself to blame.
I really should get around to reviewing the rest of Polychrome, but for now... here's a little story from the ol' Norse myths.
Basically, I've taken the dramatic poem Lokasenna ("Loki's Wrangling"), which is basically about Loki insulting all the other gods. The poem is often used as an example of how clever and witty and eloquent Loki is... but you know, if you look behind all those fancy words and focus on what he's actually saying, Loki in this poem really doesn't come across as either of those things.
So here it is -- Lokasenna, condensed and translated to modern-day English:
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Aegir, the host, and a sort of sea-god (No lines).
Loki, god of mischief and deceit.
Odin, king of the gods and father to most of them.
Frigg, queen of the gods and Odin's wife.
Bragi, god of poetry.
Idunn, goddess of youth and Bragi's wife.
Njord, god of the sea, far more legit than Aegir, and father of Frey and Freya.
Skathi, goddess of skiing, wife of Njord (but not mother of Frey and Freya).
Frey, god of agriculture and son of Njord.
Freya, goddess of love and daughter of Njord.
Vidar, the silent god. (No lines.)
Tyr, god of war.
Heimdall, watchman of the gods.
Gefion, goddess of ploughing and virginity. Yes, seriously.
Sif, goddess of the hearth and Thor's wife.
Thor, god of thunder, absent for most of the poem.
Balder, the god who died.
And introducing…
Fimafeng, Aegir's servant.
Eldir, Aegir's other servant.
Byggvir, Frey's servant.
Beyla. Frey's servant and Byggvir's wife.
Aegir holds a party for the gods. Most of them are there... except for Thor, who has an appointment in the East and has promised to stop by later. Everyone else is having a good time, though, and Aegir's servants, Fimafeng and Eldir, serve everyone lots of tasty beer.
Everyone:
This beer is excellent! And the servants are really skilled at pouring it! Hooray for Fimafeng and Eldir!
Loki:
What? Someone is praised who isn't me? Can't have that! Die, Fimafeng!
Everyone else:
Oh no, he killed Fimafeng! You bastard!
Loki:
...Bye!
Loki manages to escape the angry gods. After they've given up chasing him and gone back to the party, he decides to go back as well.
Loki:
After all, I didn't finish my beer. Hey, Eldir, can I come back in? What’s going on in there?
Eldir:
They've started drinking again, but wouldn’t advise you to go in there. Everyone's peeved at you. You kinda ruined the party by killing Fimafeng for no good reason.
Loki:
Oh, really? I’ll just go in and tell them all what I think of them.
Eldir:
No, listen! Everyone's really angry at you, get it?!
Loki:
Watch it, or I’ll insult you too.
Loki forces his way past Eldir. The gods all fall silent when they see Loki enter.
Loki:
Hey, guys! Oh, c’mon, now, nobody wants to greet me? Either invite me to join you, or tell me to get lost.
Bragi:
Get lost.
Loki:
Odin, come on, we're blood-brothers, you used to be cool. Let me stay.
Odin (sigh):
Okay, I don't have the energy to put up with this whining, and it's bad form to kill your blood-brother, especially when you're both guests in someone else's house. You can stay, Loki, if you sit down, shut up and behave. Vidar, get him a drink.
Vidar:
…
Vidar, who has no spoken lines in this poem, but who is no doubt thinking a lot of nasty things, gets Loki a beer.
Loki:
Cheers, everyone! I drink to your health - except for Bragi, that is. He can go off and die for all I care.
Bragi:
I knew this would happen. First you kill a guy for no reason, then you beg your way back to the party and as soon as you open your mouth you begin hurling insults. If I give you a horse and a gold ring, will you go away?
Loki:
As if you had a horse and a gold ring to give. You're a dirty coward, and everyone knows it.
Bragi:
If killing you wouldn't be a serious brech of party etiquette, I'd totally kill you for that!
Loki:
Pshaw, you're all talk! You couldn't kill a sick housefly!
Idunn:
Bragi, don't get him started.
Loki:
Shut up, Idunn, you're a slut!
Idunn:
I wasn't talking to you, okay? I just don't want any fighting!
Gefion:
Yeah, can't we just get along?
Loki:
Shut up, Gefion, you're a slut too!
Odin:
Loki, you always do this. Leave Gefion alone, she's cool.
Loki:
Shut up, Odin, you're a doddering incompetent who gives victory to people who don't deserve it!
Odin:
A least I didn't spend eight years in the form of a milkmaid and gave birth to several children!
Loki:
No, you just took on the form of a sexy witch and tried to seduce random men!
Frigg:
This is stupid. You two are aware that nobody here is interested in your sexual experimentations, right?
Loki:
Shut up, Frigg, you're a slut!
Frigg (sigh):
I wish Balder was here. He wouldn't have stood for this.
Loki:
But he's not! And you know why? I killed him! Hah!
Freya:
Are you seriously confessing to murder right here, with everyone present?
Loki:
Shut up, Freya, you're a slut!
Freya:
Your insults aren't very original, are they?
Loki:
Well, you also fucked your own brother… and then you farted! So there!
Njord:
Enough with the slut-shaming! Double standard, much?! Who's the father and the mother of the world's biggest monsters?
Loki:
Shut up, Njord, you're just a stupid hostage, and I'm pretty sure you've got a watersports fetish.
Njord:
And yet, unlike you, I have a son that everyone likes.
Loki:
Yeah, a son you had with your sister! Ew, ewwww, Frey sucks!
Tyr:
Hey, don't diss my man Frey! He's a great guy!
Loki:
Shut up, Tyr, you only have one hand!
Tyr:
True, and the wolf who bit off my other hand - and that wolf was your son, might I add - is now chained up and will remain chained until Doomsday.
Loki:
…yeah, well, shut up, Tyr, I fucked your wife! Who, by the way is a sluuuuuuuuuut!
Frey:
Seriously, Loki, will you quit this? Your insults are neither as clever nor as funny as you seem to think.
Loki:
Who are you to talk? You gave away your sword in order to marry some stupid woman, and now you don't have a sword, ha ha!
Byggvir:
You can't talk to my master Frey that way!
Loki:
…who the hell are you?
Byggvir:
My name is Byggvir, and I -
Loki:
Yeah, I don't actually care. You look like a total loser anyway.
Heimdall:
Loki, I think you should seriously consider giving up drinking.
Loki:
Shut up, Heimdall! You're just a lowly watchman, nobody cares about you!
Skathi:
Loki, either you quit this crap, or we tie you up for eternity like that stupid wolf son of yours.
Loki:
Maybe you will… but I killed your father, nyah nyah!
Skathi:
All the more reason for me to be the one who ties you down!
Loki:
Doesn't change the fact that you're a slut!
Sif:
…look, Loki, just have some more beer, and let's forget all this insulting-everyone-in-the-room nonsense, hmm? We used to be friends!
Sif, in a clear desperate attempt to stop Loki from making "you're a slut" the Most Used Phrase Of The Day, gives him some more beer.
Loki:
Well… Sif, you're the only goddess in here who's not a slut. You're more of a frigid bitch. Except for the fact that you totally are a slut, and I banged you.
Beyla:
Hey, I think Thor's arriving! He'll put a stop to this!
Loki:
Shut up, Beyla, you're a slut.
And then Thor arrives, demonstrating that he has some keen hearing, because he's heard what's been going on and now he's pretty angry at Loki.
Thor:
Okay, that's it! You stop flapping your mouth now, or I beat you senseless with my hammer!
Loki:
Oh, uh, Thor! Ummm…. Why so angry? You're not such hot stuff!
Thor:
You have until the count of three, and then I smash your skull in!
Loki:
You're a coward -
Thor:
One!
Loki:
- and a weakling -
Thor:
TWO!
Loki:
All right, all right, I'm leaving! But only because I know you're the only one here who actually would hit me.
Loki turns and walks to the door.
Loki:
Aegir, this was a lousy party. And it'll be the last one you ever throw. Bye.
Shortly after this, Loki is caught and tied up, and Skathi makes a serpent spit acid at him for eternity.
Moral of the story:
If you've just killed someone for no good reason, and then feel the need to go back to the house where all the angry gods who witnessed the murder are... don't do it.
If you absolutely have to, and then by some miracle avoid having your face punched in... don't start yelling about how they all suck.
If you can't avoid this either, then at the very least don't start bragging about all those other murders you totally got away with.
And if you do that... well, you only have yourself to blame.