(no subject)
I can't sleep, yet again. I was up until 4:30am this morning, and I think it's going to be a while before I'll let myself shut my eyes again.
I don't know what's going on anymore. It's driving me nuts.
Why do I feel so putrid inside? Why do I suddenly feel so unclean? Why do I feel like I've been violated? I haven't, physically, but I'm just a mess.
And there's nothing really wrong. I think it's the monotony that gets to me. I mean, there are certain things, and of course, certain people, that constantly drag me down. Every time I think I've sort of pulled myself back together, it rains on me again, and I'm left standing there, soaking wet. While I turn on the heaters and pull out the blow-dryer, I know I'm just sitting there, waiting for the brewing storm to try and drown me again.
I don't mean to metaphoric, but I'm just sick of being pulled down. I tell myself that I won't let it get to me anymore, and I'll just stick to my guns. I really will be the crusty exerior that I try and protray to everyone, but I crumble, each and every time.
I let the rain in, and I'm suprised at the end, each and every time, when I'm left, standing there, alone once more, soaking to the fucking bone.
I've just got this sick feeling inside my stomach. A neverending, turning knot. It keeps probing my with questions. 'What are you going to do with your life?' 'Why do you keep trying?' 'Why do you keep letting yourself get hurt?' 'What's the point?' My head, my heart and my goddamn instinct are all fighting a losing battle with each other. They're all telling me different things. My head tells me I'm going about it all the wrong way, my heart tells me to work harder, and my stomach tells me to just fucking leave it alone.
God, I sound like the cow, preaching, poor me! I'm not, really... I'm just so sick of turning around and finding the only person that wants to listen to me is my brother or mum. God I love them, but I'm tired of burdening them, like I'm being burdened.
It's a soul-sucker, and I can feel mine just slipping through my fingers, no chance for retrieval.
I don't know what's going on anymore. It's driving me nuts.
Why do I feel so putrid inside? Why do I suddenly feel so unclean? Why do I feel like I've been violated? I haven't, physically, but I'm just a mess.
And there's nothing really wrong. I think it's the monotony that gets to me. I mean, there are certain things, and of course, certain people, that constantly drag me down. Every time I think I've sort of pulled myself back together, it rains on me again, and I'm left standing there, soaking wet. While I turn on the heaters and pull out the blow-dryer, I know I'm just sitting there, waiting for the brewing storm to try and drown me again.
I don't mean to metaphoric, but I'm just sick of being pulled down. I tell myself that I won't let it get to me anymore, and I'll just stick to my guns. I really will be the crusty exerior that I try and protray to everyone, but I crumble, each and every time.
I let the rain in, and I'm suprised at the end, each and every time, when I'm left, standing there, alone once more, soaking to the fucking bone.
I've just got this sick feeling inside my stomach. A neverending, turning knot. It keeps probing my with questions. 'What are you going to do with your life?' 'Why do you keep trying?' 'Why do you keep letting yourself get hurt?' 'What's the point?' My head, my heart and my goddamn instinct are all fighting a losing battle with each other. They're all telling me different things. My head tells me I'm going about it all the wrong way, my heart tells me to work harder, and my stomach tells me to just fucking leave it alone.
God, I sound like the cow, preaching, poor me! I'm not, really... I'm just so sick of turning around and finding the only person that wants to listen to me is my brother or mum. God I love them, but I'm tired of burdening them, like I'm being burdened.
It's a soul-sucker, and I can feel mine just slipping through my fingers, no chance for retrieval.