(no subject)
I've been wanting to make this journal entry for a while. Really jsut to sort out my feelings... I'm so confused right now, and I don't understand the things I feel. I'm so incredibly angry still, but the sadness is starting to get to me. I just miss him. I miss just not being able to talk to him. And the fact that he doesn't want to talk to me hurts, so much. That he's so happy without me hurts even more. Was I that much of a burden?
I miss all the things I'll never get to do again. See him, I do'nt think I'll ever see him again. I'll never get to hold his hand, cuddle into him and have him warp his arms around me, holding me. I'll never get to stand on my toes to reach him to kiss him. I'll never get to just lie there with him, talking like we used to. I'll never get to run my fingers up his chest again, soothe him when he's upset. I'll never get to have those play fights, or go out of my way to annoy him, like banging lids, and have him just stare at me while he thinks I'm crazy. I'll never get a good-morning message, and I'll never get to send one again. He'll never call me during my favourite shows, and I'll never be able to choose to talk to him instead. I'll never get to watch movies with Luke. I'll never get to go shopping with Tamara. I'll never embarass myself in front of his dad. I'll never have breakfast with his mum. I'll never get to have another lunch with Billie-Joe. I'll never get to have that real conversation I always wanted to have with Robert. I'll never get to see his new house. I won't get to see him grow as a person, change and develop. I won't get to hear about the good times. I won't get to hear about the bad times. If I can ever bring myself to be able to talk to him again, all I'll hear is superficial. It won't be the real him, like I knew.
I feel like someone's died. I miss the best friend I used to have.
If I think about him during the day, I may get upset, but most likely angry. I'm tired of people asking me if I'm okay. No, I'm not. But I'm not going to explain that to them. I don't regret anything, but it feels like a waste of time if he was so willing to throw it all away because it was just too hard.
It's the remembering that hurts. Seeing someone doing something funny on the train, and making a mental note to tell him, then remembering that he doesn't care anymore. Wondering what he's doing, and then remembering that it's none of my business anymore.
The dreaming hurts. Waking up from a wonderful dream like I used to have, and having to remember that he doesn't want me anymore. That I don't mean anything to him. That he'll never be that close to me again. Having to remember hurts. I just want to forget it all. I want to forget the hurt and pain and sadness and most of all, the lonliness... I feel so alone.
I miss all the things I'll never get to do again. See him, I do'nt think I'll ever see him again. I'll never get to hold his hand, cuddle into him and have him warp his arms around me, holding me. I'll never get to stand on my toes to reach him to kiss him. I'll never get to just lie there with him, talking like we used to. I'll never get to run my fingers up his chest again, soothe him when he's upset. I'll never get to have those play fights, or go out of my way to annoy him, like banging lids, and have him just stare at me while he thinks I'm crazy. I'll never get a good-morning message, and I'll never get to send one again. He'll never call me during my favourite shows, and I'll never be able to choose to talk to him instead. I'll never get to watch movies with Luke. I'll never get to go shopping with Tamara. I'll never embarass myself in front of his dad. I'll never have breakfast with his mum. I'll never get to have another lunch with Billie-Joe. I'll never get to have that real conversation I always wanted to have with Robert. I'll never get to see his new house. I won't get to see him grow as a person, change and develop. I won't get to hear about the good times. I won't get to hear about the bad times. If I can ever bring myself to be able to talk to him again, all I'll hear is superficial. It won't be the real him, like I knew.
I feel like someone's died. I miss the best friend I used to have.
If I think about him during the day, I may get upset, but most likely angry. I'm tired of people asking me if I'm okay. No, I'm not. But I'm not going to explain that to them. I don't regret anything, but it feels like a waste of time if he was so willing to throw it all away because it was just too hard.
It's the remembering that hurts. Seeing someone doing something funny on the train, and making a mental note to tell him, then remembering that he doesn't care anymore. Wondering what he's doing, and then remembering that it's none of my business anymore.
The dreaming hurts. Waking up from a wonderful dream like I used to have, and having to remember that he doesn't want me anymore. That I don't mean anything to him. That he'll never be that close to me again. Having to remember hurts. I just want to forget it all. I want to forget the hurt and pain and sadness and most of all, the lonliness... I feel so alone.