(no subject)
In response to Tina's question, I am nowhere. Stuck in a little pocket of time, wishing I could just turn it all back and not have to face any decisions I may have to make in the next week. I just have that Buffy song in my head, not the positives, no not them, but the question that remains ever present in my head is 'where do we go from here?' ...
I suppose I should start from the beginning. This hasn't been a pleasant couple of weeks for me, so if you're not in for my ranting, don't read on. Firstly, Geoff and I had a falling out. And I say falling out, because I can't be bothered going into details. They split, we were set to move out, and things were not going so well. But they decided to get back together, which I suppose is a good thing for them. Anyway, that just put a lot of stresson myself, and I, apparently most selfishly, turned to the person who should always be on my side, even when I'm wrong. However, he was not, and I am a childish brat. Sunday night, we got to talking about the future, and he asked me, hypothetically, where I would like to be this time next year. The first thing that shot to my head was with him, though I know it won't be possible quite that early. Thus he 'made his choice' and broke up with me. Dumped me. Dropped me. On AIM. I was so incredibly angry. How did he dare do that to me. After all I had invested into this relationship. It had followed a talk on us bettering our relationship, in which I had told him I was tired of being his holiday girlfriend, and that it was going to take a lot of work to make it possible. During which he pretty much told me he didn't have the time, nor the care to make it work. He had told me that he was tired of huring me, and he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't make me choose between him and my family. But to the break up, he wouldn't answer my calls, wouldn't face me.
I disconnected, and ran sobbing to my mother. Now she's a brilliant woman, though I don't get along with her sometimes, and she's seen what's going on these past few months. He's been terribly unhappy, for various reasons which I shall not go into here, for they are his private issues. My mother immediately picked up the phone and called him, and eventually talked some sense into him. It seemed he couldn't deal with his own life at the time, and was tired of dragging me into it all. My mum bluntly told him that it wasn't a choice he was allowed to make for me. When they finished, the phone was handed over to me, and he apologised. He was crying, which was very sad, but so was I. He told me he loved me, and I guess I said the same back.
However, 7 days later, and I don't even feel like I exist anymore. My mum called him at work on the monday, and they talked for quite some time I understand, and I rang him on Monday night. He seemed a bit off, but I just thought he was still stressed from it. Since then, every time we've spoken has been online, which shits me to no end, and I have talked to him every time. The last time we spoke was on Thursday, in which he just dissapeared. I'm yet to get any assurance of love from him, which makes me strongly doubt this whole relationship, and wonder if he felt bullied into 'taking me back' by my mother. And I only say taking me back, because I can't think of another term.
But things just aren't changing. And looking back through old journal entries, it's been like this since the start. I put so much into this relationship. I give and I give and I give. What do I get in return? Nothing. I don't care about material things, I don't care about seeing him! Well, of course I do, because things are always so much better when we're together, but that's not what's important to me. In the words of Billy Flynn; "All I care about is love!" and I truly feel like that. However, I also feel like this relationship has none. At least, it doesn't go two ways. Everyone keeps telling me that they don't think we'll be together for very long, and that I'll outgrow him, but I don't want it to come to that. That's the easy way out, the escape. Relationships are supposed to take work, and he gives none, and it drives me insane. Am I not worth it? I'm not a rock, if you cut me, do I not bleed?
And unfortunately, I've resigned myself to the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Or at least isn't willing to show it, accept it, prove it, and so I don't believe him. He's changed. I'll give you an example. He went from, two months ago, "I love your hair blodne, I love it long, please grow it, and if you don't like it, you can cut it again, just try it please?" To "It's your hair, do whatever you want." I know it's a minor example, but everything's like that now. He doesn't care. I'm not a part of his life.
But that's not what hurts me the most. It's the discovery inside myself, that even though I want this to work, and I love this man to death, I just can't see any answers, and I can't see how he's going to do anything to change it. As much as I love him, I can't be with him if I'm getting nothing in return. Yes, I'll hurt, I'll hurt for a long time, but I'll have to move on, because I just can't spend my life wondering, always wondering if he loves me. I shouldn't have to doubt it, should I? I'm just so tired of pain.
I suppose I should start from the beginning. This hasn't been a pleasant couple of weeks for me, so if you're not in for my ranting, don't read on. Firstly, Geoff and I had a falling out. And I say falling out, because I can't be bothered going into details. They split, we were set to move out, and things were not going so well. But they decided to get back together, which I suppose is a good thing for them. Anyway, that just put a lot of stresson myself, and I, apparently most selfishly, turned to the person who should always be on my side, even when I'm wrong. However, he was not, and I am a childish brat. Sunday night, we got to talking about the future, and he asked me, hypothetically, where I would like to be this time next year. The first thing that shot to my head was with him, though I know it won't be possible quite that early. Thus he 'made his choice' and broke up with me. Dumped me. Dropped me. On AIM. I was so incredibly angry. How did he dare do that to me. After all I had invested into this relationship. It had followed a talk on us bettering our relationship, in which I had told him I was tired of being his holiday girlfriend, and that it was going to take a lot of work to make it possible. During which he pretty much told me he didn't have the time, nor the care to make it work. He had told me that he was tired of huring me, and he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't make me choose between him and my family. But to the break up, he wouldn't answer my calls, wouldn't face me.
I disconnected, and ran sobbing to my mother. Now she's a brilliant woman, though I don't get along with her sometimes, and she's seen what's going on these past few months. He's been terribly unhappy, for various reasons which I shall not go into here, for they are his private issues. My mother immediately picked up the phone and called him, and eventually talked some sense into him. It seemed he couldn't deal with his own life at the time, and was tired of dragging me into it all. My mum bluntly told him that it wasn't a choice he was allowed to make for me. When they finished, the phone was handed over to me, and he apologised. He was crying, which was very sad, but so was I. He told me he loved me, and I guess I said the same back.
However, 7 days later, and I don't even feel like I exist anymore. My mum called him at work on the monday, and they talked for quite some time I understand, and I rang him on Monday night. He seemed a bit off, but I just thought he was still stressed from it. Since then, every time we've spoken has been online, which shits me to no end, and I have talked to him every time. The last time we spoke was on Thursday, in which he just dissapeared. I'm yet to get any assurance of love from him, which makes me strongly doubt this whole relationship, and wonder if he felt bullied into 'taking me back' by my mother. And I only say taking me back, because I can't think of another term.
But things just aren't changing. And looking back through old journal entries, it's been like this since the start. I put so much into this relationship. I give and I give and I give. What do I get in return? Nothing. I don't care about material things, I don't care about seeing him! Well, of course I do, because things are always so much better when we're together, but that's not what's important to me. In the words of Billy Flynn; "All I care about is love!" and I truly feel like that. However, I also feel like this relationship has none. At least, it doesn't go two ways. Everyone keeps telling me that they don't think we'll be together for very long, and that I'll outgrow him, but I don't want it to come to that. That's the easy way out, the escape. Relationships are supposed to take work, and he gives none, and it drives me insane. Am I not worth it? I'm not a rock, if you cut me, do I not bleed?
And unfortunately, I've resigned myself to the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Or at least isn't willing to show it, accept it, prove it, and so I don't believe him. He's changed. I'll give you an example. He went from, two months ago, "I love your hair blodne, I love it long, please grow it, and if you don't like it, you can cut it again, just try it please?" To "It's your hair, do whatever you want." I know it's a minor example, but everything's like that now. He doesn't care. I'm not a part of his life.
But that's not what hurts me the most. It's the discovery inside myself, that even though I want this to work, and I love this man to death, I just can't see any answers, and I can't see how he's going to do anything to change it. As much as I love him, I can't be with him if I'm getting nothing in return. Yes, I'll hurt, I'll hurt for a long time, but I'll have to move on, because I just can't spend my life wondering, always wondering if he loves me. I shouldn't have to doubt it, should I? I'm just so tired of pain.