Glad no one reads this anymore...
Dear Journal:
I'm not with Mason anymore... we broke up in October. It was a strange breakup, and to be honest, hit me hard. I haven't been able to deal with things regarding my heart since then. In fact, I've pretty much blocked it off from the rest of the world. It seems safer that way anyhow. What is there to love, when the girl has nothing left inside her? Besides, to be honest, I'm not in the mood to love, and haven't been since then, even though it's been seven months.
I did, however, meet this guy named Lucas, but he turned out to be an asshole. Saying he liked me, making out with me in the back room of his shop, and then never calling me again. Even when I see him, sometimes I receive a hug and a kiss, and then other times, I get completely ignored and treated like any other customer. It hurts. It is as if something is telling me not to try anymore. So, alas, I really haven't. *shrugs*
In brighter news I just got back from Japan two days ago and with pleasant news that I'll be moving there in January for school, and won't be coming back to America for years on end. It's a sad story for some, but for me, it uplifts me to high heaven. The dorms are really nice too, and I felt really good about the whole experience. My dad on the other hand, got very sick two days into our trip and never left the hotel at all. It was really upsetting for him, he felt awful for leaving me by my lonesome for days. I felt okay with it because without him really realizing it, it was one step closer to me becoming more independent, and self-sufficient. I followed all the trains and got lost a lot of the time, but made it to my destination safely and proud. I saw my dormitory by myself and took pictures and asked questions on my own. I felt really good. I told my dad this, and he was proud, and to that effect, I was happy. *smile*
Leaving my relationship with Mason was in a way a sort of blessing in disguise. I would never have had the courage to leave him and go to Japan for years by myself, always wondering if he was seeing someone else. I don't like being in fear of loosing people I love all the time. So, *sighing* isn't it better to not have anyone to love at all and follow your dreams?
As much as I miss Mason, so so dearly... I have to keep my chin up, and remind myself that things will get better, much much better. Sometimes it's hard to have a smile on your face when inside you're struggling. *looks down* ...I still miss him.
But maybe I miss being WITH someone, you know? Maybe I just miss cuddling up to someone at night, kissing them softly and falling asleep? Maybe... I just miss that silly smile in the morning when he'd wake me up by kissing my cheeks? Maybe I miss the way he would hold my hand when we'd look up at the stars, and wonder for hours together, how far the universe stretched...?
*shakes head* I'm not thinking very forward, am I?
Well, anyhow, I'm sorry that I haven't written in you since the first time I spent time with Mason together as boyfriend and girlfriend. It's almost been a year, hasn't it? It's strange. ^_^ I hope that I write in you continually, as I become older. That would be nice, and then look upon my past entries with nostalgia and think happily, "wasn't I a strange kid?"
I still am growing. My mind, my knowledge, my wisdom, and yet the only thing stunted really is my heart. That raisin that has long since experienced the juice of love, to make it plump and happy. My hope is that one day, despite the ages that go by before I write in you again, that my heart will be made complete by another, and that everyone will have peace in their lives... And love. Even you, Mason, I hope one day, you will be happy too, even if by chance, it is with someone else.
I'm sorry, it's silly to be crying. It's just - even though it has been so long, I can't help but miss times ago.
Love,
McKenna Marvin
I'm not with Mason anymore... we broke up in October. It was a strange breakup, and to be honest, hit me hard. I haven't been able to deal with things regarding my heart since then. In fact, I've pretty much blocked it off from the rest of the world. It seems safer that way anyhow. What is there to love, when the girl has nothing left inside her? Besides, to be honest, I'm not in the mood to love, and haven't been since then, even though it's been seven months.
I did, however, meet this guy named Lucas, but he turned out to be an asshole. Saying he liked me, making out with me in the back room of his shop, and then never calling me again. Even when I see him, sometimes I receive a hug and a kiss, and then other times, I get completely ignored and treated like any other customer. It hurts. It is as if something is telling me not to try anymore. So, alas, I really haven't. *shrugs*
In brighter news I just got back from Japan two days ago and with pleasant news that I'll be moving there in January for school, and won't be coming back to America for years on end. It's a sad story for some, but for me, it uplifts me to high heaven. The dorms are really nice too, and I felt really good about the whole experience. My dad on the other hand, got very sick two days into our trip and never left the hotel at all. It was really upsetting for him, he felt awful for leaving me by my lonesome for days. I felt okay with it because without him really realizing it, it was one step closer to me becoming more independent, and self-sufficient. I followed all the trains and got lost a lot of the time, but made it to my destination safely and proud. I saw my dormitory by myself and took pictures and asked questions on my own. I felt really good. I told my dad this, and he was proud, and to that effect, I was happy. *smile*
Leaving my relationship with Mason was in a way a sort of blessing in disguise. I would never have had the courage to leave him and go to Japan for years by myself, always wondering if he was seeing someone else. I don't like being in fear of loosing people I love all the time. So, *sighing* isn't it better to not have anyone to love at all and follow your dreams?
As much as I miss Mason, so so dearly... I have to keep my chin up, and remind myself that things will get better, much much better. Sometimes it's hard to have a smile on your face when inside you're struggling. *looks down* ...I still miss him.
But maybe I miss being WITH someone, you know? Maybe I just miss cuddling up to someone at night, kissing them softly and falling asleep? Maybe... I just miss that silly smile in the morning when he'd wake me up by kissing my cheeks? Maybe I miss the way he would hold my hand when we'd look up at the stars, and wonder for hours together, how far the universe stretched...?
*shakes head* I'm not thinking very forward, am I?
Well, anyhow, I'm sorry that I haven't written in you since the first time I spent time with Mason together as boyfriend and girlfriend. It's almost been a year, hasn't it? It's strange. ^_^ I hope that I write in you continually, as I become older. That would be nice, and then look upon my past entries with nostalgia and think happily, "wasn't I a strange kid?"
I still am growing. My mind, my knowledge, my wisdom, and yet the only thing stunted really is my heart. That raisin that has long since experienced the juice of love, to make it plump and happy. My hope is that one day, despite the ages that go by before I write in you again, that my heart will be made complete by another, and that everyone will have peace in their lives... And love. Even you, Mason, I hope one day, you will be happy too, even if by chance, it is with someone else.
I'm sorry, it's silly to be crying. It's just - even though it has been so long, I can't help but miss times ago.
Love,
McKenna Marvin