in my finals delirium, a breakthrough.
i present to you, growing up granger, the harry/hermione epilogue tales: an anthology. crafted around 10 pm to 2 am last night by anythingbutgrey and myself.
Karen: Their children would be the fiercest warriors, omg. Could you imagine? McGonagall would be like STOP IT. STOP WREAKING HAVOC IN THE HALLWAYS
Elyssa: "YOUR PARENTS WERE JUST LIKE THIS. ALWAYS GETTING INTO TROUBLE"
Karen: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE EXCUSE OF FIGHTING EVIL THIS TIME, DEAR LORD SAVE US.
And it could have been epic! they totally could have had a super bright daughter who was ace at flying.
Elyssa: omg fiercest bitch
Karen: and hermione would totally concerned!mother out and harry would be like she'll be ~fine
and hermione would be all YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU FELL OFF A BROOM BECAUSE OF THE DEMENTORS? DO YOU REMEMBER?
and he would be all she'll be ~fiiiiiine
Elyssa: and she'd be like OR THAT TIME A BLUDGER TRIED TO ATTACK YOU and he'd be like "yeah, but you fixed that."
Karen: THAT TIME MADAME POMFREY HAD TO REGROW ALL YOUR BONES? HONESTLY, HARRY.
and omg neville ends up teaching at hogwarts and he would totally take no shit because he knows their parents and they couldn't goof off in herbology even though they'd already read the textbooks inside and out
Elyssa: because they're hermione's children. best balance. harry would be like go play quidditch and she'd be like harry you are going to make our children fail out of school and he'd be all of course they wouldn't, they're your children
Karen: AND OH MY GOD THEY WOULD BALANCE HOGSMEADE WEEKENDS WITH GOING TO HYDE PARK. THEY WOULD GO AND SEE HER PARENTS
Elyssa: WE COULD LEARN THEIR NAMES!
Karen: AND THEY WOULD SPEND WEEKENDS AT WATERSTONE'S SO THAT THE KIDS WOULDN'T END UP ALL TOTALLY SPOILED BY MAGIC. HERMIONE WOULD TOTALLY PUNISH HER CHILDREN BY MAKING THEM WASH DISHES THE MUGGLE WAY and she'd like enchant the dishes to be neverending until she decided it was enough
Elyssa: HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD FABULOUS. WHY WAS THIS NOT REAL LIFE?
Karen: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST LIFE. LOL OMG THEY TOTALLY COULD HAVE HAD SEX IN MUGGLE PUBLIC BECAUSE WHO ARE THEY AND THEY WOULD SOUNDPROOF THAT SHIT. THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT. AND THEY COULD HAVE HAD AN AUNT GINNY WHO WOULD LIKE SPOIL THEM WITH QUIDDITCH GEAR AND UNCLE RON WHO WOULD GIVE THEM THE REALLY BAD SWEETS. And harry and ron would be like highfiving and hermione would be like ~the all seeing eyes of a mother. "TAKE THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW. YES I SAW YOU. I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE. I KNOW WHO GAVE IT TO YOU TOO." ron would be all like WHADDYA MEAN A TAXI? YOU DON'T JUST FLOO HOME? and harry would be like floo still makes me quite nauseous, to be honest and ron would roll his eyes. and you know that harry would totally try and use legilimens to see what his kids were up to. he'd try and give his invisibility cloak to his son. hermione would put a stop to that before he even moved
Elyssa: and then harry would give it to him anyway. please.
Karen: lol the marauder's map, hermione would keep under lock and key with some really obscure riddle. HARRY JAMES POTTER YOUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE DELINQUENTS WITH NO EDUCATION and he would be like, hermione, how many copies of hogwarts, a history can A SINGLE CHILD OWN
Elyssa: SHE WOULD HIDE THAT SHIT IN ANOTHER CONTINENT
Karen: and the kids would be like oh mum and dad are arguing again tra la la la la, let's go play quidditch. lol hermione would totally have to stop harry from buying every fast new broom the minute it came out
Elyssa: http://hopesichord.tumblr.com/post/2140930089/and-now-hyacinthian-and-i-are-talking-about-the-fierce. hysteria. i love us
Karen: OH MY GOD THEY WOULD DESERVE THEIR OWN SHOW
Elyssa: ACTUALLY
Karen: We are not bringing reality television to these people, Harry.
Elyssa: the muggles won't know it's reality, hermione
Elyssa: they don't think magic is real~
Karen: And Arthur would be like WHAT'S A CAN OPENER. WHAT DOES IT DO. I can't even imagine going to visit the Weasleys. Every time I see Molly, she asks me if I've knitted you a sweater. Where does she think I have the time?
and he would be like i've got enough jumpers, really, in an attempt to be comforting
Elyssa: oh my god you're my favorite person
Karen: because our boy, not great with the communication. and she would be like, IT'S NOT HOW MANY JUMPERS YOU HAVE, IT'S THE FACT THAT SHE EXPECTS ME TO JUST KNIT YOU THINGS and he would be like /twiddles thumbs erm, how's the department of saving
magical
animals
and she would be like HARRY JAMES POTTER DO YOU NOT EVEN KNOW THE NAME OF MY DEPARTMENT
/guilty smile
erm it's my nickname for it?
but then they would lie in bed and have cuddle times with hands
Elyssa: lol omg
Karen: and he would be like ~i didn't think i would make it out of the war with you and she would be all quiet because they can't talk about it but they can sort of
and she would be like There's no use in dwelling in the past, Harry. History teaches us to look forward. and he would be all like, is that why you've read hogwarts, a history so many times?
Elyssa: hahahaha oh kids
Karen: it reminds me of my first year at hogwarts, harry when i met you~
and then it would be like epic kids shenanigans. oh my god could you imagine naming their kids? she would try so hard not to laugh. albus severus? albus isn't quite enough
Elyssa: lol she'd shut that shit down immediately
Karen: you really do have to add the severus on~ for full effect and he would be like they're my heroes
Elyssa: james sirius she'd allow
Elyssa: for the one child
Karen: and she's like bathilda bagshot's a hero of mine but i'm not about to name my daughter bathilda
Elyssa: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Karen: and he would concede the point. lol like he could even win an argument against her. worst kept secret in the wizarding world, that harry potter loses all arguments. and they would get the cutest christmas gifts for each other. they would take a magical lent for christmas time and hide presents the old fashioned way and his presents would be all shoddily-wrapped but she would get a little teary anyway
Elyssa: oh my adorable. the best imaginary family
Karen: they would literally be the cutest things. could you imagine daddy harry?
Elyssa: HOAUEHFAOEUF YES
Karen: the first time i went to platform 9 3/4, i asked a muggle and nearly walked into a wall if it weren't for your uncle ron, i would've missed the train completely. and it would make his kids feel better. and hermione would be all don't eat too many sweets. and he would slip them money for treacle tarts and chocolate frogs anyway. and they would give him the dumbledore cards because they know he collects them. because who is this boy. OH MY GOD, THEY WOULD TOTALLY GET THEIR OWN CHOCOLATE FROG CARDS and he would so collect hermione's, all of them.
Elyssa: THEY DO ACCORDING TO JO, WHICH IS ADORABLE. LOL OMG. HE WOULD BUY THEM ON WIZARDING E-BAY
Karen: Harry, my hair looks terrible in that photo. lol THEBOYWHOLIVED92 HAS BID ON YOUR HERMIONE GRANGER CHOCOLATE FROG CARD and everyone would be like of fucking course. and you know that hermione would be like ~make sure when you write your essays, you meet the full parchment requirement and harry would be like why do they still make the children write on parchment?
Elyssa: tradition, harry. honestly.
Karen: It's like you don't even care about academic decorum.
other things we have established (with me continuing for a bit at the end because i'm batty):
harry would totally collapse in the operating room and hermione would be like oh my fucking god
ron would totally be like ~how do muggles give birth? and sweets would fall out of his mouth
the kids would get in trouble for sneaking into the forbidden forest and harry would be like eh and hermione would be like DELINQUENT CHILDREN OF YOURS
the kids would start using ~but the dark lord's returned! as an excuse/game and hermione would be like harry you have to stop telling the children these stories and he would be like eh, i left out the part with me dying! toned it down to pg
the kids would totally use the invisibility cloak to cheat at hide and seek
hermione granger is the best arbiter of childhood game justice
ron would not be able to contain himself in their house, he would be laughing every second
THIS IS HERMIONE GRANGER'S HOUSE
and also once harry becomes an auror, she would be like IF YOU GET KILLED I WILL PULL YOU BACK PAST THAT VEIL WITH THE FORCE OF MY ANGER AND KILL YOU AGAIN
and he would be like ~i survived the dark lord and she would just beat him with a wooden spoon
IT'S NOT FUNNY, HARRY POTTER
and then he would totally steal her wand so she couldn't bat bogey hex him into the yard.
once one of the kids had their first quidditch accident, madame pomfrey would totally be like your father was in here all the time, it was like he was a bloody piece of furniture here
and hermione would glare at him for saying the wrong thing to try and comfort his kids
he would totally take her flying even though she hates it just to show her the stars
like ~remember when we used to chill on the astronomy tower?
she would try and make him a cake for his birthday and suck at baking
and he would fake it
and she'd know
and he's like ~lots of experience with terrible food at the dursleys?
and then molly would owl a cake over
and hermione's eyes would turn to slits
like i love molly but she needs to stop knitting and baking you things and asking me why i don't do it for you
and harry would snicker
they would have a picture of lily and james on their dresser with a picture of her parents and sometimes they just dance without music.
OH MY GOD
AND HAGRID WOULD SEND THEM THE DAILY PROPHET CLIP FROM THE RITA SKEETER ARTICLE CIRCA GOF
and she would be like woman was totally wrong, you know
and they would smile.
and then their kids would be racing each other on mini-brooms around the garden
playing the dark lord and the boy who lived
and then their littlest child could be like
I WANT TO BE MUMMY
and they would just hold up little branches as wands and pretend to curse/hex back and forth with little towel capes
and hermione would be like
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO YOUR CHILDREN
and he would be like
my children? all amused
and she would just be like ... five second head start and he'd totally peace.
and they would read their kids a mix of muggle and magical bedtime stories
Karen: Their children would be the fiercest warriors, omg. Could you imagine? McGonagall would be like STOP IT. STOP WREAKING HAVOC IN THE HALLWAYS
Elyssa: "YOUR PARENTS WERE JUST LIKE THIS. ALWAYS GETTING INTO TROUBLE"
Karen: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE EXCUSE OF FIGHTING EVIL THIS TIME, DEAR LORD SAVE US.
And it could have been epic! they totally could have had a super bright daughter who was ace at flying.
Elyssa: omg fiercest bitch
Karen: and hermione would totally concerned!mother out and harry would be like she'll be ~fine
and hermione would be all YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU FELL OFF A BROOM BECAUSE OF THE DEMENTORS? DO YOU REMEMBER?
and he would be all she'll be ~fiiiiiine
Elyssa: and she'd be like OR THAT TIME A BLUDGER TRIED TO ATTACK YOU and he'd be like "yeah, but you fixed that."
Karen: THAT TIME MADAME POMFREY HAD TO REGROW ALL YOUR BONES? HONESTLY, HARRY.
and omg neville ends up teaching at hogwarts and he would totally take no shit because he knows their parents and they couldn't goof off in herbology even though they'd already read the textbooks inside and out
Elyssa: because they're hermione's children. best balance. harry would be like go play quidditch and she'd be like harry you are going to make our children fail out of school and he'd be all of course they wouldn't, they're your children
Karen: AND OH MY GOD THEY WOULD BALANCE HOGSMEADE WEEKENDS WITH GOING TO HYDE PARK. THEY WOULD GO AND SEE HER PARENTS
Elyssa: WE COULD LEARN THEIR NAMES!
Karen: AND THEY WOULD SPEND WEEKENDS AT WATERSTONE'S SO THAT THE KIDS WOULDN'T END UP ALL TOTALLY SPOILED BY MAGIC. HERMIONE WOULD TOTALLY PUNISH HER CHILDREN BY MAKING THEM WASH DISHES THE MUGGLE WAY and she'd like enchant the dishes to be neverending until she decided it was enough
Elyssa: HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD FABULOUS. WHY WAS THIS NOT REAL LIFE?
Karen: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST LIFE. LOL OMG THEY TOTALLY COULD HAVE HAD SEX IN MUGGLE PUBLIC BECAUSE WHO ARE THEY AND THEY WOULD SOUNDPROOF THAT SHIT. THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT. AND THEY COULD HAVE HAD AN AUNT GINNY WHO WOULD LIKE SPOIL THEM WITH QUIDDITCH GEAR AND UNCLE RON WHO WOULD GIVE THEM THE REALLY BAD SWEETS. And harry and ron would be like highfiving and hermione would be like ~the all seeing eyes of a mother. "TAKE THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW. YES I SAW YOU. I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE. I KNOW WHO GAVE IT TO YOU TOO." ron would be all like WHADDYA MEAN A TAXI? YOU DON'T JUST FLOO HOME? and harry would be like floo still makes me quite nauseous, to be honest and ron would roll his eyes. and you know that harry would totally try and use legilimens to see what his kids were up to. he'd try and give his invisibility cloak to his son. hermione would put a stop to that before he even moved
Elyssa: and then harry would give it to him anyway. please.
Karen: lol the marauder's map, hermione would keep under lock and key with some really obscure riddle. HARRY JAMES POTTER YOUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE DELINQUENTS WITH NO EDUCATION and he would be like, hermione, how many copies of hogwarts, a history can A SINGLE CHILD OWN
Elyssa: SHE WOULD HIDE THAT SHIT IN ANOTHER CONTINENT
Karen: and the kids would be like oh mum and dad are arguing again tra la la la la, let's go play quidditch. lol hermione would totally have to stop harry from buying every fast new broom the minute it came out
Elyssa: http://hopesichord.tumblr.com/post/2140930089/and-now-hyacinthian-and-i-are-talking-about-the-fierce. hysteria. i love us
Karen: OH MY GOD THEY WOULD DESERVE THEIR OWN SHOW
Elyssa: ACTUALLY
Karen: We are not bringing reality television to these people, Harry.
Elyssa: the muggles won't know it's reality, hermione
Elyssa: they don't think magic is real~
Karen: And Arthur would be like WHAT'S A CAN OPENER. WHAT DOES IT DO. I can't even imagine going to visit the Weasleys. Every time I see Molly, she asks me if I've knitted you a sweater. Where does she think I have the time?
and he would be like i've got enough jumpers, really, in an attempt to be comforting
Elyssa: oh my god you're my favorite person
Karen: because our boy, not great with the communication. and she would be like, IT'S NOT HOW MANY JUMPERS YOU HAVE, IT'S THE FACT THAT SHE EXPECTS ME TO JUST KNIT YOU THINGS and he would be like /twiddles thumbs erm, how's the department of saving
magical
animals
and she would be like HARRY JAMES POTTER DO YOU NOT EVEN KNOW THE NAME OF MY DEPARTMENT
/guilty smile
erm it's my nickname for it?
but then they would lie in bed and have cuddle times with hands
Elyssa: lol omg
Karen: and he would be like ~i didn't think i would make it out of the war with you and she would be all quiet because they can't talk about it but they can sort of
and she would be like There's no use in dwelling in the past, Harry. History teaches us to look forward. and he would be all like, is that why you've read hogwarts, a history so many times?
Elyssa: hahahaha oh kids
Karen: it reminds me of my first year at hogwarts, harry when i met you~
and then it would be like epic kids shenanigans. oh my god could you imagine naming their kids? she would try so hard not to laugh. albus severus? albus isn't quite enough
Elyssa: lol she'd shut that shit down immediately
Karen: you really do have to add the severus on~ for full effect and he would be like they're my heroes
Elyssa: james sirius she'd allow
Elyssa: for the one child
Karen: and she's like bathilda bagshot's a hero of mine but i'm not about to name my daughter bathilda
Elyssa: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Karen: and he would concede the point. lol like he could even win an argument against her. worst kept secret in the wizarding world, that harry potter loses all arguments. and they would get the cutest christmas gifts for each other. they would take a magical lent for christmas time and hide presents the old fashioned way and his presents would be all shoddily-wrapped but she would get a little teary anyway
Elyssa: oh my adorable. the best imaginary family
Karen: they would literally be the cutest things. could you imagine daddy harry?
Elyssa: HOAUEHFAOEUF YES
Karen: the first time i went to platform 9 3/4, i asked a muggle and nearly walked into a wall if it weren't for your uncle ron, i would've missed the train completely. and it would make his kids feel better. and hermione would be all don't eat too many sweets. and he would slip them money for treacle tarts and chocolate frogs anyway. and they would give him the dumbledore cards because they know he collects them. because who is this boy. OH MY GOD, THEY WOULD TOTALLY GET THEIR OWN CHOCOLATE FROG CARDS and he would so collect hermione's, all of them.
Elyssa: THEY DO ACCORDING TO JO, WHICH IS ADORABLE. LOL OMG. HE WOULD BUY THEM ON WIZARDING E-BAY
Karen: Harry, my hair looks terrible in that photo. lol THEBOYWHOLIVED92 HAS BID ON YOUR HERMIONE GRANGER CHOCOLATE FROG CARD and everyone would be like of fucking course. and you know that hermione would be like ~make sure when you write your essays, you meet the full parchment requirement and harry would be like why do they still make the children write on parchment?
Elyssa: tradition, harry. honestly.
Karen: It's like you don't even care about academic decorum.
other things we have established (with me continuing for a bit at the end because i'm batty):
harry would totally collapse in the operating room and hermione would be like oh my fucking god
ron would totally be like ~how do muggles give birth? and sweets would fall out of his mouth
the kids would get in trouble for sneaking into the forbidden forest and harry would be like eh and hermione would be like DELINQUENT CHILDREN OF YOURS
the kids would start using ~but the dark lord's returned! as an excuse/game and hermione would be like harry you have to stop telling the children these stories and he would be like eh, i left out the part with me dying! toned it down to pg
the kids would totally use the invisibility cloak to cheat at hide and seek
hermione granger is the best arbiter of childhood game justice
ron would not be able to contain himself in their house, he would be laughing every second
THIS IS HERMIONE GRANGER'S HOUSE
and also once harry becomes an auror, she would be like IF YOU GET KILLED I WILL PULL YOU BACK PAST THAT VEIL WITH THE FORCE OF MY ANGER AND KILL YOU AGAIN
and he would be like ~i survived the dark lord and she would just beat him with a wooden spoon
IT'S NOT FUNNY, HARRY POTTER
and then he would totally steal her wand so she couldn't bat bogey hex him into the yard.
once one of the kids had their first quidditch accident, madame pomfrey would totally be like your father was in here all the time, it was like he was a bloody piece of furniture here
and hermione would glare at him for saying the wrong thing to try and comfort his kids
he would totally take her flying even though she hates it just to show her the stars
like ~remember when we used to chill on the astronomy tower?
she would try and make him a cake for his birthday and suck at baking
and he would fake it
and she'd know
and he's like ~lots of experience with terrible food at the dursleys?
and then molly would owl a cake over
and hermione's eyes would turn to slits
like i love molly but she needs to stop knitting and baking you things and asking me why i don't do it for you
and harry would snicker
they would have a picture of lily and james on their dresser with a picture of her parents and sometimes they just dance without music.
OH MY GOD
AND HAGRID WOULD SEND THEM THE DAILY PROPHET CLIP FROM THE RITA SKEETER ARTICLE CIRCA GOF
and she would be like woman was totally wrong, you know
and they would smile.
and then their kids would be racing each other on mini-brooms around the garden
playing the dark lord and the boy who lived
and then their littlest child could be like
I WANT TO BE MUMMY
and they would just hold up little branches as wands and pretend to curse/hex back and forth with little towel capes
and hermione would be like
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO YOUR CHILDREN
and he would be like
my children? all amused
and she would just be like ... five second head start and he'd totally peace.
and they would read their kids a mix of muggle and magical bedtime stories