(no subject)
Remember that short film I was working on?
Final installment, you guys!
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, A WEEK LATER
Andrea sits in a meeting. They're talking about the next marketing campaign. George is nodding off - and, oh, yes, the camera catches him - finally sleeping in the corner. Lorraine is dutifully taking notes.
TALKING HEAD
ANDREA
What? Oh, yeah, we're going to give them all credit. But a little competition never hurt anybody. The last corporate retreat I went to, it was themed Survivor. Needless to say, only ten of us returned.
BEAT.
ANDREA
Twelve of us went.
(Smiling.)
That's just the nature of corporate business.
In the meeting, Andrea looks vaguely bored with what she's saying. She gestures to Lorraine.
ANDREA
Could you ask one of the interns to come in, please?
LORRAINE
Sure. Who?
CUT TO:
INT. INTERN TABLE
David and Kasey are working on filing and mailings. Harvard is chewing on the end of his pencil. They're both eyeing him with contempt and arrogance - clearly they're only in contention with each other for this internship, but goddamn, he's lazy and irritating.
TALKING HEADS:
DAVID
Did you know I go to Harvard--
KASEY
And that Harvard was founded in 1636--
DAVID
And Harvard is the best school in the country--
KASEY
And Harvard's color is crimson--
DAVID
And Harvard's motto is Veritas which means truth--
KASEY/DAVID
And it's TRUE that Harvard is awesome.
END TALKING HEADS
HARVARD
(Still chewing on the end of his pencil.)
Hey, guys, at Harvard, we lost 8 billion dollars in our endownment last year.
Kasey twitches, on the verge of punching this kid in the face. Lorraine enters then, amused at the tension in the room.
LORRAINE
Hey, Betty. Pigpen. Michael Douglas, you're coming with me.
CUT TO:
INT. BOARDROOM, DAY
SUPERIMPOSED: Two weeks ago.
Andrea stands and examines the three interns. She points at Kasey.
ANDREA
Betty.
KASEY
Excuse me?
Lorraine jots down the name.
LORRAINE
Andrea assigns you a name that she thinks is appropriate. U. Seoul conducted a study - people prove to be more efficient and functional when they're devalued as human beings.
KASEY
And why is mine Betty?
Andrea looks her up and down.
ANDREA
You're not pretty enough to be a Veronica. You're like Betty - hard working, a little spaz, probably lower-middle-class? Yeah, you're definitely a Betty.
Kasey blinks. This lady is CRAZY.
ANDREA
(To Harvard.)
Pigpen. Pretty sure that's obvious.
(To David; snapping her fingers.)
Oh, Lorraine, you remember that movie where Michael Douglas was all, 'Greed is good?'
LORRAINE
Yeah?
ANDREA
Doesn't he look like that guy? What's his name?
LORRAINE
I don't remember. You want me to Google it?
ANDREA
No, that's fine. Michael Douglas it is.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE, CONTINUOUS
Andrea hands David a packet of papers.
ANDREA
I need labels made of the names on that sheet. By 3. Run.
The sheets of paper have names in columns, with some of the names crossed off, with strikethroughs.
INT. INTERN OFFICE, CONTINUOUS
Kasey stares at Harvard derisively, as she clacks away noisily on her computer, getting more and more incensed. Yes, she wants the school credit for herself, and yes, taking it from Harvard is going to be like taking candy from a baby, but really, couldn't he at least make a little effort to help?
KASEY
What are you working on?
Harvard, quickly closing the open Facebook tab he has, shrugs.
HARVARD
Just...stuff.
KASEY
Stuff?
HARVARD
Yeah.
KASEY
Because David and I have been working on this records upkeep project that Andrea assigned us and it doesn't seem like you're really helping.
HARVARD
I did run out for corndogs.
KASEY
I don't eat corndogs.
HARVARD
That's not my fault.
KASEY
I'm just saying, maybe you could call the local Fire Department to see if we have the correct information instead of doing what you're doing.
HARVARD
Kasey, you just don't understand how delegation works.
KASEY
I ... what?
HARVARD
Bureaucracy.
TALKING HEAD:
Kasey is not amused.
KASEY
I clerked on the Hill this past summer. I worked for Congressmen. CONGRESSMEN.
END TALKING HEAD
KASEY
(Crossing her arms.)
Tell me what I don't understand.
HARVARD
(This is so simple, why isn't she understanding?:)
I go to HARVARD.
We follow Kasey as she walks out into the hallway and screaming, punches the wall.
INT. OFFICE, LATER
David returns with a stack of labels and puts them on Andrea's desk.
ANDREA
I'm sorry, these are wrong.
DAVID
I'm sorry?
ANDREA
You should be. You've done the wrong names.
DAVID
I did the ones that weren't crossed off.
Andrea sighs. Oh, young interns.
ANDREA
When dealing with such young minds, sometimes I find it necessary to step in and re- educate. Clearly you've never attended the Lehman and Copox conference on proper business protocol, so let me offer you this free piece of advice. When someone crosses out items on a checklist, they want you to do those items.
DAVID
All right.
ANDREA
I'll just get Lorraine to redo these. You can head back to the conference room.
TALKING HEAD
DAVID
(What the hell:)
JUST - WHO THINKS LIKE THAT? WHO?
He lifts up the sheet of names.
DAVID
Who thinks that crossing names out means INCLUDE those names and not exclude them?
INT. INTERN OFFICE, CONTINUOUS
David enters, clearly frustrated, to find Kasey angrily squeezing a stress ball as Harvard scrolls through the ESPN website.
DAVID
Hey, guys. What's going on?
KASEY
I've been calling names on this list all day. ALL DAY. Harvard here hasn't been doing ANYTHING.
TALKING HEAD
LORRAINE
This is the best part. Right before they break. Stress and tension are at a high, ability to deal with other people at a low. This is better than reality television. I even made popcorn.
(She pops a piece of popcorn in her mouth.)
I bet Betty will devour the other two. Pigpen doesn't even stand a chance.
GEORGE
I will tell you one thing. The only time they bring the Accounting staff in is when they need to run odds on a bet. Right now, mostly everyone's betting that Harvard's going to drop out of the race and/or that Kasey's going to pull a Lizzie Borden. I, personally, like to think outside the box - I bet David's going to lock them into a closet and claim the credit for himself.
END TALKING HEAD
HARVARD
Don't blame the bureaucratic infrastructure on me.
KASEY
(On the verge of insanity or a breakdown:)
WORDS! You're just saying words in some kind of order that don't even make sense!
HARVARD
(A badly whispered aside:)
She doesn't understand bureaucracy.
DAVID
I don't have time to deal with your shit, okay? Andrea put me through the wringer for a completely useless exercise.
A tense silence.
HARVARD
Did you know that the Harvard Crimson -
KASEY
If you utter one word, just one more word, about Harvard, I will cut you with a letter opener.
Lorraine enters the room, trying to mask her joy.
LORRAINE
Hi, guys. How are things going?
KASEY
(Eager to please:)
Fine! They're going fine! Almost done with this records thing, Lorraine.
LORRAINE
Great! I'm going to need to meet with each of you individually for some evaluations. David, you want to go first?
Kasey narrows her eyes at him.
DAVID
Sure.
INT. SUPPLY CLOSET, CONTINUOUS
LORRAINE
Now, David, I just want you to know that so far, the directors have decided that the internship is between you and Betty.
A MONTAGE of Lorraine talking to the different interns.
LORRAINE
(To Harvard:)
Between you and Betty.
(To Kasey:)
Between you and David.
TALKING HEAD
LORRAINE
This is when we see the real action.
INT. INTERN OFFICE, LATER
Kasey drums her fingernails annoyingly as David glares at her. Tensions are high. The camera cuts between the interns looking at each other and wide shots of the room - something is about to happen.
DAVID
Can you stop that, please?
KASEY
Stop what?
Harvard cracks his gum.
DAVID
You too, dude.
HARVARD
I'm not the one being a total bitch about things right now.
KASEY
Yeah, David, maybe you ought to lighten up. I'm the one who's been doing--
DAVID
You're not the only one who's been doing fucking ridiculous work, okay?
HARVARD
I don't even know what you guys are arguing about anyway since it's clear that I'm going to get the credit.
David and Kasey lunge for him at the same time; Andrea walks in at that moment, arms behind her back. They awkwardly try and mask what they were doing.
ANDREA
Hello, people of little importance.
HARVARD
Are you going to tell us who won the free food?
ANDREA
Yes. But first, I just want to thank you for all your contributions. David, thank you for giving me labels of the wrong names; Kasey, your beautiful spreadsheet was organized incorrectly; and Harvard, you ate all of the contents of the company fridge.
HARVARD
I thought that food was shared.
EXT. HALLWAY, CONTINUOUS
We watch the actions of the conference room unfold silently. Kasey starts crying as Harvard throws a chair.
TALKING HEAD
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
Do you think this was a rewarding experience?
KASEY
I learned some valuable lessons about business and the corporate world -
DAVID
I learned I never want to work in corporate business ever again.
HARVARD
It was like winning the lottery. With free salad.
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
How do you think the interns did?
LORRAINE
This year was a little sorry to see. Last year's group totally exploded - I mean, they turned on each other incredibly quickly. I don't even think we know what happened to the one intern. That was a great year.
ANDREA
Young minds need to be molded, and that's what we've done. Shaped the young minds of America into something...
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
Better?
ANDREA
(Arching an eyebrow:)
Maybe, but without a Scar, you would never know who the true Mufasas are. I mean, Darth Vader was the perfect CFO.
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
You're encouraging these kids towards evil?
We hear Andrea's VO as David and Kasey clearly conspire against Harvard, tricking him into a storage closet with a Bugs-Bunny-esque sign indicating free food; the Yale Fight Song plays on loop.
ANDREA (V.O.)
We don't encourage one way or the other. Good, evil, it's all relative. What we do is push these kids to explore their most animalistic and vicious parts of themselves, to find that inner corporate leader, and train it, and unleash it upon unsuspecting populaces.
We see Harvard knocking on the door of the supply closet, finding himself trapped.
ANDREA (V.O.)
And really, isn't that what every parent wants for his or her child?
SUPERIMPOSED: Six hours later...
Harvard emerges from the supply closet a broken man. The Yale Fight song has been looping and it just plays on and on in his head.
HARVARD
(A ragged whisper:)
I know I'm Harvard, but I just keep hearing Yale, Yale, Yale in my head.
BEAT.
HARVARD
It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.
He chokes back a sob.
Lorraine watches from the window as he walks, staggers through the parking lot.
TALKING HEAD
LORRAINE
Really, internships are, at heart, about discovering who you really are and what you want to do for the majority of your life. And I think this year's batch of interns really proved themselves. In our internship of post-apocalyptic Earth, they devoured the weak, capitalized on their strengths, and rebuilt a significant foundation. And that's what all good internships SHOULD do. Our company provides a public service, and we should not be ashamed of that. At all.
Final installment, you guys!
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, A WEEK LATER
Andrea sits in a meeting. They're talking about the next marketing campaign. George is nodding off - and, oh, yes, the camera catches him - finally sleeping in the corner. Lorraine is dutifully taking notes.
TALKING HEAD
ANDREA
What? Oh, yeah, we're going to give them all credit. But a little competition never hurt anybody. The last corporate retreat I went to, it was themed Survivor. Needless to say, only ten of us returned.
BEAT.
ANDREA
Twelve of us went.
(Smiling.)
That's just the nature of corporate business.
In the meeting, Andrea looks vaguely bored with what she's saying. She gestures to Lorraine.
ANDREA
Could you ask one of the interns to come in, please?
LORRAINE
Sure. Who?
CUT TO:
INT. INTERN TABLE
David and Kasey are working on filing and mailings. Harvard is chewing on the end of his pencil. They're both eyeing him with contempt and arrogance - clearly they're only in contention with each other for this internship, but goddamn, he's lazy and irritating.
TALKING HEADS:
DAVID
Did you know I go to Harvard--
KASEY
And that Harvard was founded in 1636--
DAVID
And Harvard is the best school in the country--
KASEY
And Harvard's color is crimson--
DAVID
And Harvard's motto is Veritas which means truth--
KASEY/DAVID
And it's TRUE that Harvard is awesome.
END TALKING HEADS
HARVARD
(Still chewing on the end of his pencil.)
Hey, guys, at Harvard, we lost 8 billion dollars in our endownment last year.
Kasey twitches, on the verge of punching this kid in the face. Lorraine enters then, amused at the tension in the room.
LORRAINE
Hey, Betty. Pigpen. Michael Douglas, you're coming with me.
CUT TO:
INT. BOARDROOM, DAY
SUPERIMPOSED: Two weeks ago.
Andrea stands and examines the three interns. She points at Kasey.
ANDREA
Betty.
KASEY
Excuse me?
Lorraine jots down the name.
LORRAINE
Andrea assigns you a name that she thinks is appropriate. U. Seoul conducted a study - people prove to be more efficient and functional when they're devalued as human beings.
KASEY
And why is mine Betty?
Andrea looks her up and down.
ANDREA
You're not pretty enough to be a Veronica. You're like Betty - hard working, a little spaz, probably lower-middle-class? Yeah, you're definitely a Betty.
Kasey blinks. This lady is CRAZY.
ANDREA
(To Harvard.)
Pigpen. Pretty sure that's obvious.
(To David; snapping her fingers.)
Oh, Lorraine, you remember that movie where Michael Douglas was all, 'Greed is good?'
LORRAINE
Yeah?
ANDREA
Doesn't he look like that guy? What's his name?
LORRAINE
I don't remember. You want me to Google it?
ANDREA
No, that's fine. Michael Douglas it is.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE, CONTINUOUS
Andrea hands David a packet of papers.
ANDREA
I need labels made of the names on that sheet. By 3. Run.
The sheets of paper have names in columns, with some of the names crossed off, with strikethroughs.
INT. INTERN OFFICE, CONTINUOUS
Kasey stares at Harvard derisively, as she clacks away noisily on her computer, getting more and more incensed. Yes, she wants the school credit for herself, and yes, taking it from Harvard is going to be like taking candy from a baby, but really, couldn't he at least make a little effort to help?
KASEY
What are you working on?
Harvard, quickly closing the open Facebook tab he has, shrugs.
HARVARD
Just...stuff.
KASEY
Stuff?
HARVARD
Yeah.
KASEY
Because David and I have been working on this records upkeep project that Andrea assigned us and it doesn't seem like you're really helping.
HARVARD
I did run out for corndogs.
KASEY
I don't eat corndogs.
HARVARD
That's not my fault.
KASEY
I'm just saying, maybe you could call the local Fire Department to see if we have the correct information instead of doing what you're doing.
HARVARD
Kasey, you just don't understand how delegation works.
KASEY
I ... what?
HARVARD
Bureaucracy.
TALKING HEAD:
Kasey is not amused.
KASEY
I clerked on the Hill this past summer. I worked for Congressmen. CONGRESSMEN.
END TALKING HEAD
KASEY
(Crossing her arms.)
Tell me what I don't understand.
HARVARD
(This is so simple, why isn't she understanding?:)
I go to HARVARD.
We follow Kasey as she walks out into the hallway and screaming, punches the wall.
INT. OFFICE, LATER
David returns with a stack of labels and puts them on Andrea's desk.
ANDREA
I'm sorry, these are wrong.
DAVID
I'm sorry?
ANDREA
You should be. You've done the wrong names.
DAVID
I did the ones that weren't crossed off.
Andrea sighs. Oh, young interns.
ANDREA
When dealing with such young minds, sometimes I find it necessary to step in and re- educate. Clearly you've never attended the Lehman and Copox conference on proper business protocol, so let me offer you this free piece of advice. When someone crosses out items on a checklist, they want you to do those items.
DAVID
All right.
ANDREA
I'll just get Lorraine to redo these. You can head back to the conference room.
TALKING HEAD
DAVID
(What the hell:)
JUST - WHO THINKS LIKE THAT? WHO?
He lifts up the sheet of names.
DAVID
Who thinks that crossing names out means INCLUDE those names and not exclude them?
INT. INTERN OFFICE, CONTINUOUS
David enters, clearly frustrated, to find Kasey angrily squeezing a stress ball as Harvard scrolls through the ESPN website.
DAVID
Hey, guys. What's going on?
KASEY
I've been calling names on this list all day. ALL DAY. Harvard here hasn't been doing ANYTHING.
TALKING HEAD
LORRAINE
This is the best part. Right before they break. Stress and tension are at a high, ability to deal with other people at a low. This is better than reality television. I even made popcorn.
(She pops a piece of popcorn in her mouth.)
I bet Betty will devour the other two. Pigpen doesn't even stand a chance.
GEORGE
I will tell you one thing. The only time they bring the Accounting staff in is when they need to run odds on a bet. Right now, mostly everyone's betting that Harvard's going to drop out of the race and/or that Kasey's going to pull a Lizzie Borden. I, personally, like to think outside the box - I bet David's going to lock them into a closet and claim the credit for himself.
END TALKING HEAD
HARVARD
Don't blame the bureaucratic infrastructure on me.
KASEY
(On the verge of insanity or a breakdown:)
WORDS! You're just saying words in some kind of order that don't even make sense!
HARVARD
(A badly whispered aside:)
She doesn't understand bureaucracy.
DAVID
I don't have time to deal with your shit, okay? Andrea put me through the wringer for a completely useless exercise.
A tense silence.
HARVARD
Did you know that the Harvard Crimson -
KASEY
If you utter one word, just one more word, about Harvard, I will cut you with a letter opener.
Lorraine enters the room, trying to mask her joy.
LORRAINE
Hi, guys. How are things going?
KASEY
(Eager to please:)
Fine! They're going fine! Almost done with this records thing, Lorraine.
LORRAINE
Great! I'm going to need to meet with each of you individually for some evaluations. David, you want to go first?
Kasey narrows her eyes at him.
DAVID
Sure.
INT. SUPPLY CLOSET, CONTINUOUS
LORRAINE
Now, David, I just want you to know that so far, the directors have decided that the internship is between you and Betty.
A MONTAGE of Lorraine talking to the different interns.
LORRAINE
(To Harvard:)
Between you and Betty.
(To Kasey:)
Between you and David.
TALKING HEAD
LORRAINE
This is when we see the real action.
INT. INTERN OFFICE, LATER
Kasey drums her fingernails annoyingly as David glares at her. Tensions are high. The camera cuts between the interns looking at each other and wide shots of the room - something is about to happen.
DAVID
Can you stop that, please?
KASEY
Stop what?
Harvard cracks his gum.
DAVID
You too, dude.
HARVARD
I'm not the one being a total bitch about things right now.
KASEY
Yeah, David, maybe you ought to lighten up. I'm the one who's been doing--
DAVID
You're not the only one who's been doing fucking ridiculous work, okay?
HARVARD
I don't even know what you guys are arguing about anyway since it's clear that I'm going to get the credit.
David and Kasey lunge for him at the same time; Andrea walks in at that moment, arms behind her back. They awkwardly try and mask what they were doing.
ANDREA
Hello, people of little importance.
HARVARD
Are you going to tell us who won the free food?
ANDREA
Yes. But first, I just want to thank you for all your contributions. David, thank you for giving me labels of the wrong names; Kasey, your beautiful spreadsheet was organized incorrectly; and Harvard, you ate all of the contents of the company fridge.
HARVARD
I thought that food was shared.
EXT. HALLWAY, CONTINUOUS
We watch the actions of the conference room unfold silently. Kasey starts crying as Harvard throws a chair.
TALKING HEAD
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
Do you think this was a rewarding experience?
KASEY
I learned some valuable lessons about business and the corporate world -
DAVID
I learned I never want to work in corporate business ever again.
HARVARD
It was like winning the lottery. With free salad.
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
How do you think the interns did?
LORRAINE
This year was a little sorry to see. Last year's group totally exploded - I mean, they turned on each other incredibly quickly. I don't even think we know what happened to the one intern. That was a great year.
ANDREA
Young minds need to be molded, and that's what we've done. Shaped the young minds of America into something...
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
Better?
ANDREA
(Arching an eyebrow:)
Maybe, but without a Scar, you would never know who the true Mufasas are. I mean, Darth Vader was the perfect CFO.
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
You're encouraging these kids towards evil?
We hear Andrea's VO as David and Kasey clearly conspire against Harvard, tricking him into a storage closet with a Bugs-Bunny-esque sign indicating free food; the Yale Fight Song plays on loop.
ANDREA (V.O.)
We don't encourage one way or the other. Good, evil, it's all relative. What we do is push these kids to explore their most animalistic and vicious parts of themselves, to find that inner corporate leader, and train it, and unleash it upon unsuspecting populaces.
We see Harvard knocking on the door of the supply closet, finding himself trapped.
ANDREA (V.O.)
And really, isn't that what every parent wants for his or her child?
SUPERIMPOSED: Six hours later...
Harvard emerges from the supply closet a broken man. The Yale Fight song has been looping and it just plays on and on in his head.
HARVARD
(A ragged whisper:)
I know I'm Harvard, but I just keep hearing Yale, Yale, Yale in my head.
BEAT.
HARVARD
It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.
He chokes back a sob.
Lorraine watches from the window as he walks, staggers through the parking lot.
TALKING HEAD
LORRAINE
Really, internships are, at heart, about discovering who you really are and what you want to do for the majority of your life. And I think this year's batch of interns really proved themselves. In our internship of post-apocalyptic Earth, they devoured the weak, capitalized on their strengths, and rebuilt a significant foundation. And that's what all good internships SHOULD do. Our company provides a public service, and we should not be ashamed of that. At all.