in the end, it's you and me [hyungseok/hyukmin]
(In which Hyungseok's mind is long gone, and Hyukmin still has his name branded on his heart)
Lay me down on a bed of black roses
rest my head on the corpses of hopes and dreams
float me down the river in a boat of faded love letters
and in the end it’s you and me, you and me…
~
We were kids back then.
We acted like the world was ours. Laughing, joking, crying, breaking… The ties between us were deep. What happened between us stayed between us, and honestly, who would we ever need to tell anyway?
Do you remember?
I do. I remember the sun in your hair and the waves breaking on the shore in the middle of the night. The sand that got into everything, the smell of crab and fish and seaweed, that was our home. You liked music, he liked sports, and I always had my head in a book. We were young then. We were free then. We were brothers then. The three of us.
The boat crash, do you remember? You probably don’t. That’s when this all started, where the hell began. The crash was ten years ago. Your father, your brothers, my brother, your mother. The fishing boat hit the reef and vanished without a trace. I could see it in your eyes then, that’s when it started. I cried for days, you did not. I went to the funerals, you did not. I moved on, I was okay, you were not. We left that place in the night, threw all we had in suitcases and drove for miles, from the Californian shore to Las Vegas, the land of oppourtunity. We would start anew I said, we would forget and live again I said. You didn’t answer.
You still haven’t answered.
“ICD” the doctor said. “It’s an obsessive disorder, failure to control impulses. It probably grew from initial shock, but if it keeps getting worse it can become dangerous to people close to him. Monitor it closely and be careful.”
“Dangerous, my ass. Hyungseok? Dangerous?” I was so angry I didn’t know what to do. But I noticed it, Hara. I noticed the things you did. It was little things at first, you tore out pages of my text books, one by one, just to hear the sound. I tried to stop you, but you turned on me. “Why should I not destroy these things that take your attention away from me?” I had laughed, laughed to assure myself. I laughed so that I wouldn’t cry. JungHee stopped you, told you to pull yourself together. You said you never had liked JungHee. That was a lie right? We were all brothers right?
You set ants on fire one summer, sat outside for days at a time to watch them burn. It was something that kids did, but we were no longer kids. You took pictures of me, shoved them under your bed, taped them to every surface in your room. You punched at the wall of our apartment, screaming at it until JungHee pulled you off and threw you back. I cried then, I cried a lot. I cried when you suddenly picked a fight with the landlord and nearly got us evicted. I cried when you got into the habit of scratching patterns into your own skin. No matter what you did, I couldn’t stop you anymore. You grew a head taller than I was, you were stronger. JungHee was a head and a half taller than I was, and even stronger still.
You told me you loved me. It was a year after I had graduated from college, I had gotten into Graduate school by studying my ass off, because it wasn’t like we had money. I was going to be an English teacher. You told me you loved me and that I couldn’t love anyone else. It was past midnight and you kissed me in the moonlight. You dug your nails into my skin until I bled, and there was no way that I could do anything about it. I cried that night into my pillow. The doctor was right, Hara. And I wondered if you actually had ever loved me at all. Was I lovable to any part of your mind that wasn’t filled with disease? I had loved you from the beginning.
Do you remember?
No, you probably don’t.
~
“How much longer, Hyuk?”
Hyukmin looked up over his glasses, the ones too big for his face that framed his eyes. He blinked at JungHee, always confused. “How much longer till what?”
“Don’t play games with me, you’re too old for that.” JungHee had a high temper and low patience. A classic jock, of course. A crash was heard from the outside, and he growled as Hyukmin jumped up from his nest of books and ran to the window. He frowned, Hyungseok had found a pile of empty beer bottles and was throwing them at the fence. It was one of the least dangerous of his games, so he turned from the window and settled back on the couch. JungHee let his gaze settle on him, the childhood friend. He had always been pretty. How many bullies had he saved Hyukmin from, the girly nerd that he was? How many bullies had he and Hyungseok saved the blonde from that is. “How long will you cling onto him as if there’s anything left to cling on to?”
Hyukmin made a face at that. “Until death, there will always be something to cling on to. He’s still a person, Jung. He’s our friend, how can you think to abandon him?” The blonde pushed his glasses up on his nose, he was tired of this conversation, tired of everything. JungHee snarled and stood, striding over to grab Hyukmin’s wrist. He tugged harshly at the blonde’s sleeve, the bruises showing in the pale sunlight. Some where fading, some were fresh. “He’s still a person? He’s hurting you, he’s not who we knew. Stop clinging to your delusions and treating him like a child!” Hyukmin pulled his arm away. “You don’t know him like I know him! He’s still there, I know he is!” He calmed down a bit, trembling with rage and impending despair. He lowered his voice. “Hara will never hurt me. He loves me Jung, he would never try to harm me.”
“Marry me, Hyukmin.”
“What?”
“Marry me. You’re 25 years old, it’s been too long. Let’s forget this, forget the past. I can take care of you, I can protect you. Hyungseok is gone. Leave while you still can.”
Hyukmin winced at another crash from outside. He closed his eyes, the whirring of the fan, the clicking of the wall clock, the shattering of your first love’s mind. He knew JungHee nearly as well as he knew Hara. “I’m assuming that you won’t let me say no?”
“Of course not.”
I sang to you that night. You lay in your bed and let me craddle your head in my lap. I sang to you even though you were the singer. You didn’t sing anymore, not for years. And so I sang to you the nursery rhymes of our childhood, of sand dollars and starfish. Of mermaids and little sailboats, the kind that didn’t sink. I could hear the breaking of the waves as I played in your hair. We were children again. You were busy ripping the edge of your blanket into strips. I didn’t know if you heard me, if you cared. I cared though, and I sang until I couldn’t help but cry because what had you done to deserve this? What had I done in my past life to live this way? You sat up and wiped my tears, clumsily, like a child. I looked into your eyes and I could see, down inside you, my Hara was there. You kissed me then, fingernails in my skin, and I cried. I never stopped crying.
What wouldn’t I give to have you?
~
Today I get married. I woke up this morning with dread thick in my chest. I had nothing to wear, not that we had any friends that would come to the ceremony anyway. This is Las Vegas, there are no shortage of cheap wedding chapels. You’ve been missing for a couple of days now. JungHee told you about the marriage. At first you didn’t understand, and then you did. You had slammed the door open and ran, ignoring my screams for you to come back. JungHee had said good ridance. He said that it was a sign to move on. He doesn’t understand, Hara. He doesn’t understand you. He doesn’t understand me. He loves me though, though not the way you love me. No one will ever love me like you love me. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m betraying the only one who will actually care.
I’m walking down the aisle. The seats are all empty, and the preacher is old and impatient. I’m wearing a cream sweater, and I can almost fool myself into feeling like a bride. JungHee didn’t even try, he’s in his usual t-shirt and jeans, and I know it then. I will belong to him, but he will never be mine. Just like I will always belong to you, yet you will never be mine. I step up the stairs with their faded blue carpet, and JungHee holds my hand. He seems annoyed, he always seems annoyed. I look around, the empty seats stare back at me, and I feel so alone. You are my knight, my prince, my husband, my brother, my friend. Noone will love me like you love me.
The preacher rambles on and on, JungHee’s grip tightens on my hand. He’s hurting me. He hurts me just like you hurt me, even though the bruises on my skin are nothing compared to the bruises inside my chest. Your name is branded there, and noone can get it off. I can’t get it off, JungHee can’t get it off, not even this old preacher that obviously doesn’t care about anything but the money.
Then you are there. The door slams open and you are there. You scream and run at us. There is shock, confusion, hope. Then JungHee is throwing me back behind him and the preacher flees down the aisle, red in the face, and caring more about his life than the money. I hit the floor hard, and try to sit up. I scream your name and fight to stand and stop you. JungHee is on the floor, he doesn’t move. That ugly carpet isn’t blue, it’s purple. Dark purple and crimson, and it’s spreading like a disease. You laugh then and kick JungHee, the broken glass in your hand is covered in redness, some of Jung’s some of yours. You kick him again and again, laughing and rambling in some language that I can’t understand.
I get up and run to you as fast as I can. I grab your arm, hysteric, and then there is pain. But this can’t be pain right? I fall to my knees, clutching at my chest. “H-hara.” The name that comes from my lips like breathing is one of my last breaths. Suddenly you are there to catch me. My hands are red, a pretty, bright red. I draw streaks of it across your face with my thumbs. It’s not as pretty as you are. Nothing is as pretty as you are, broken and beaten, beautiful, glorious. I used to pretend when we were kids, that you were mine, all mine. We would live in a sand castle by the sea, and you would sing to me. Songs about sand dollars and starfish. Of mermaids and little sailboats, the kind that didn’t sink. I would be your damsel, your princess, your wife, your brother, your friend. I smile, and you cradle my head in your lap, fingers in my hair.
“Why should I not destroy these things that take your attention away from me?” Your voice is a whisper, and I can feel it against my eyelids. JungHee took me away from you, my heart had deluded itself into thinking that there was room in it for anyone but you. Yes, why should you not take them both away? I will always belong to you. I breathe when you say I should, I die when you say I should. I will never love anyone like I love you. I am yours, I am yours. You kissed me then, fingernails in my skin and glass in my heart. I cry my last tears.
and you sit on the floor of that damned chapel long after I’ve stopped breathing. You wipe my tears, smear my blood. You carve your name into my skin. “You are mine. You are mine. You will always be mine.” You weep over me, and you are Hara again, my Hara. You are a child again, you are yourself again. You cry for your father, your brothers, my brother, your mother. You cry for me, and you know that I have always belonged to you. You sing for me then, songs of our childhood. You sing me up to where there is no pain, no heartbreak. There you join me on my ascent to the clouds, and we are young then. We are free then. Among the sand dollars and starfish. The mermaids and little sailboats.
The ones that never sink.
~
You are mine and I am yours
You are the smell before rain, the blood in my veins
So float me down the river in a boat of faded love letters
and in the end it’s you and me, you and me