the baggage that seems to still exist

May 19, 2005 14:25

i need to start my final photography project. it's a mix between what is "scene"/music. i'm going to somehow make it glamorous without pictures of people. just concepts and ideas. in black and white, possibly with one or two items in each photo being colorized.

i'm not really sure where i'm going with this.


today, however, i realized i once was all that i despise in a girl. today i listened to two 15 year olds talk about how drunk and undeniably messed up they were a few days ago. and i made it known to my counselor yesterday, that young, naive girls actually believe they know what they're doing. somehow, girls believe being 15 allows them to become promiscuous tramps, as if a one-year difference in age proves them to be adults.

and i realized that i, too, was a fifteen year old tramp in my own way. the idea was to get as many guys to look at me, to talk to me, to want me... and i could pick and choose who i wanted, in turn. it was the first year i took any interest in a "serious relationship", some rather fucked up idea in my head which was spawned with a 20 year old, and lasted for two lousy, on-and-off, heart-wrenching years. i did not skip losing my virginity at fifteen.

at sixteen, i deemed it acceptable to drink uncontrollably, to lamely end up in bed with a nineteen year old on more than one occasion. none of us thought it was strange to drive one another to planned parenthood for a "day after pill", and we cracked jokes about the incident for weeks after it occurred.

only until we were caught did we consider our actions. instead of learning the valuable lesson of "not drinking", we learned "not drinking at michelle's" and "drinking more carefully." -- how smart we really were.

and now that i look back at this, i realize i was ridiculous. most arguments i've heard suggest the drinking and promiscuity do not end once it's begun. i, however, don't drink anymore. and i don't sleep around. and i'm fully content being sober and not worrying about the next time my period is due, or when it's off.

and i didn't need to be born again to see it. just needed to grow up a little.
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