LJIdol S11 - Week 23 - Intersection - "I'm the Usain Bolt of Running From My Problems"
Evan stared at his sandwich as he contemplated the series of disappointments that made up his day so far. The sandwich was the most recent of these disappointments and, if Evan was being honest with himself, the one that was hitting him the hardest. The job interview had not gone well, but he had not expected it to. His lunch date had canceled on him, but that was not surprising. The weather forecast had not included the ominous clouds that were gathering overhead and would probably soon make him regret choosing to sit outside for lunch, but he and the weather had never gotten along.
The sandwich, though. He'd ordered this same sandwich dozens of times from this same restaurant, and it had always been a delicious and nourishing meal. But today the sandwich had failed him. They'd put the wrong sauce on it, or - a more troubling possibility - changed the sauce. That would mean that all future incarnations of this sandwich would also be disappointing.
Evan supposed that, in his place, a normal person would complain. Or they might ask if the recipe had been changed. They might even ask if they could move to a table inside if it started to rain. Evan, however, did not like making a fuss. Evan did not like conflict. Evan had moved out of apartments rather than confront troublesome neighbors. He had quit jobs if he had difficulties with his coworkers. After an awkward breakup, Evan had moved to the other side of the country rather than run the risk of encountering his ex on the subway. The only thing worse than arguing with people was arguing with people in public. Evan did not like drawing attention to himself.
And so Evan was extremely upset when a multicolored something landed on the table across from him and shouted "Evan!"
It looked quite a lot like a large bird, except that its plumage appeared to be made from the petals of exotic flowers. It was beautiful and striking in that otherworldly way that people always thought that things from magical otherworlds should look. At least, it would have been beautiful if it had a proper head. Instead, there was a just a skull with flames coming from the eye sockets. Also, it wasn't a bird's skull. Also, the flames were black. So perhaps not beautiful, but definitely striking.
The thing's appearance caused quite a stir. Several drinks were spilled, a few people screamed, and one person hid under their table. No, wait, they were just retrieving the fork that they had dropped.
"What do you want?" Evan demanded.
"Evan, you are needed! Will you not once again answer the call and come to the aid of Rr'k?" the creature said. The words were all in different voices, stitched together like the auditory version a ransom note made from newspaper clippings.
"No!" Evan said, furious. "No, I will not 'answer the call!' Leave me alone!"
"But, Evan!" the bird thing said, "You are The Chosen One! You are the bearer of The Special Bucket!"
"Don't you dare mention that bucket!" Evan said.
As a child, Evan had heard stories about children who were transported to magical worlds where they met fantastic creatures and went on amazing adventures. They came home wiser, more confident, and all around just better adjusted. So when Evan had fallen through an antique mirror in his grandmother's basement and woken up in an unearthly forest rather than a hospital emergency room, his first thought was "Wow, my own magical adventure!"
And, technically, he did have a magical adventure. But, whereas other children started off their adventures by meeting a talking deer, or a talking bunny, or even a talking panda, Evan had been greeted by a hyena skeleton made of brass that constantly wept tears of blood. It had been friendly enough, but still. The whole place was full of weird monsters, and the sun was the wrong color, and the air smelled like the chemical aisle at the grocery store, and there wasn't a single rainbow or magical talking winged horse anywhere, and Evan was not impressed.
The hyena skeleton had introduced itself as Priscilla and told Evan that he had been transported to the world of Rr'k because he was the Chosen One, and only he could retrieve an artifact of mystical power from it secret resting place and use it to drive away a terrible evil and heal their land. Evan's interest had been piqued, and he asked what this artifact was - a sword? An amulet? A very large sword?
No, Priscilla said, it was a bucket. The Special Bucket.
And that was Rr'k for you. Everything that wasn't horrifying and weird was incredibly mundane. Evan's epic quest only took the afternoon, and involved almost no peril and even less self-discovery. The Special Bucket could very easily have been mistaken for The Quite Ordinary Bucket, except for the mystical runes etched into it. The mystical runes looked to Evan like a very recent addition, and Evan got the sense that his entire adventure was a sham. Also, that bucket had been really heavy. He had returned home afterwards vaguely embarrassed about the whole thing, and told no one about it.
"Evan, please!" implored the bird thing.
"No! How did you did you find me, anyway? That stupid mirror is on the other side of the country!"
"Our search for you has been a long and difficult one," the bird thing said. "You seem to have moved around an awful lot."
"I had perfectly good reasons for all of those moves!" Evan said.
"I didn't say that you didn't," said the bird thing.
"Good, because I did!" Evan insisted.
"Evan, are you sure that you wouldn’t like to come have a character-building adventure with us that will help you become a more complete person? Only it sounds like you've got some issues that maybe we could help you with."
"I’m thirty-seven, that's too old for character building adventures! Besides, I'm fine!"
"Come on Evan, you are planning to abandon this restaurant and never come back just so you can avoid the moment of dreadful anticipation when you're about to bite into your sandwich and you fear it won't be the sandwich experience you wanted."
"How do you know that? Did you - did you sabotage my sandwich?!" Evan said, aghast at the magnitude of this possible transgression.
"Evan, stop worrying about this and all future sandwiches and listen - we need The Chosen One."
"I was The Chosen One for like six hours! Why don't you ask some other Chosen One? Surely you've had dozens of them by now."
"Evan...you were our first Chosen One, and I'm sorry that we didn't do a very good job with your magical adventure. I assure you, we were only trying to help. But we've had even worse luck with all of the other Chosen Ones we've summoned over the years. The children just start crying, or screaming, and nothing we can say will make them stop, and we end up sending them home right away. I'm afraid we're not very good at this. But this time we really do need help, and it's not the kind of thing we can trust with someone who is only ten years old."
Evan was not entirely sure how to respond to this. He suddenly felt bad about shouting a the bird thing so much. Then he felt angry about being made to feel guilty.
"I've got my own problems! What makes you think I want to help you with yours?" Evan said. And then he did what he realized he should have done in the first place - he tossed aside the remains of his disappointing sandwich and walked away.
Evan made it out to the street and around the corner before he began to have doubts. Not enough doubts to make him stop walking, but...
It was the apology that was bothering him. That, and that the bird thing seemed genuinely sad that all of the other kids hated them. Maybe his whole adventure had been a sham, but then that meant that they hadn't really needed him, and the whole thing had been for his benefit, and he'd been an ungrateful brat. And it was hard to tell with the weird multiple voice thing, but the bird thing did sound kind of desperate. This time they did need him.
Maybe he should go back and at least find out what they wanted him to do. And that bucket probably wouldn't seem quite so heavy now that he was grown up. And...the bird thing had been right about the sandwich. Maybe he needed to start facing problems instead of running from them. Maybe he could start with their problems.
Evan made it back to the restaurant just in time to see the bird thing was still there, and talking to someone else, and then both of them vanished.
Well. It looked like Rr'k managed to find itself another Chosen One after all. Evan considered his feelings about this. He decided that he wished them both good luck.
He also decided that he was still hungry. Half a sandwich wasn't much of a lunch.
Maybe he should give that sandwich a second chance.