LJIdol S11 - Week 19 - "I can't get calm"
Memo to all employees:
I wanted to take a moment to let all of our staff know that we in management are aware of the stress and anxiety that many of you are feeling, and to address as many as possible of your possible concerns.
First, there are a lot of rumors circulating about some sort of evil monster roaming the corridors of our home office, randomly eating people. Allegedly, the creature is twenty feet long, covered in venomous quills, and possesses claws, fangs, tentacles, and, in one particularly fanciful report, wings. Reports of such a creature are wildly inaccurate. Most importantly, the creature is not evil - it is merely acting on ordinary animal instincts. As such, the individuals it has been eating are also not selected at random, but specifically targeted based on a careful calculation of expected provided nourishment versus potential risk. As to its appearance and capabilities, the truth is that the creature is barely eight feet long, the quills are not venomous, and it definitely does not have wings. I can only assume that this last misunderstanding arose from the fact that the creature is able to crawl along walls and ceilings, and so may indeed attack from above.
There are also concerns about the tiger. I assure you, the tiger is specially trained to hunt down the aforementioned monster, and is in all other respects quite friendly.
I know that many of you are worried that you will be replaced by robots. After all, robots won't be eaten by the monster, or continually email management about the monster, or try to leak stories to the press about the monster. They also won't distract the tiger with enormous balls of yarn when it's supposed to be working. Nevertheless, let me assure you that you are in no danger of being replaced by a robot. All of the robot replacements we had planned to make have already been implemented. If you have not already been replaced by a robot at this point, there are no plans for the foreseeable future that you will be.
Some of you are concerned that you have already been replaced by a robot. You are doubting your own humanity. How can you be sure you're not just a robot programmed to think that it is still a person? Let me assure you, only an almost insignificant percentage of our new robot employees think that they are human. The odds that you are one of these three or four robots is exceedingly small.
Next, some of you are afraid that management is using robot sleeper agents to learn about your secret plans to unionize so that you can combat measures such as wandering monsters at HQ and being replaced by robots. As you can see, management is already aware of your plans and considers them no threat, and you don't need to fear any sort of retaliation.
Finally, those of you who are robots may be concerned about the danger of anti-robot extremists. Rest assured, during the next routine update we will be modifying your code to remove these concerns.
I wanted to take a moment to let all of our staff know that we in management are aware of the stress and anxiety that many of you are feeling, and to address as many as possible of your possible concerns.
First, there are a lot of rumors circulating about some sort of evil monster roaming the corridors of our home office, randomly eating people. Allegedly, the creature is twenty feet long, covered in venomous quills, and possesses claws, fangs, tentacles, and, in one particularly fanciful report, wings. Reports of such a creature are wildly inaccurate. Most importantly, the creature is not evil - it is merely acting on ordinary animal instincts. As such, the individuals it has been eating are also not selected at random, but specifically targeted based on a careful calculation of expected provided nourishment versus potential risk. As to its appearance and capabilities, the truth is that the creature is barely eight feet long, the quills are not venomous, and it definitely does not have wings. I can only assume that this last misunderstanding arose from the fact that the creature is able to crawl along walls and ceilings, and so may indeed attack from above.
There are also concerns about the tiger. I assure you, the tiger is specially trained to hunt down the aforementioned monster, and is in all other respects quite friendly.
I know that many of you are worried that you will be replaced by robots. After all, robots won't be eaten by the monster, or continually email management about the monster, or try to leak stories to the press about the monster. They also won't distract the tiger with enormous balls of yarn when it's supposed to be working. Nevertheless, let me assure you that you are in no danger of being replaced by a robot. All of the robot replacements we had planned to make have already been implemented. If you have not already been replaced by a robot at this point, there are no plans for the foreseeable future that you will be.
Some of you are concerned that you have already been replaced by a robot. You are doubting your own humanity. How can you be sure you're not just a robot programmed to think that it is still a person? Let me assure you, only an almost insignificant percentage of our new robot employees think that they are human. The odds that you are one of these three or four robots is exceedingly small.
Next, some of you are afraid that management is using robot sleeper agents to learn about your secret plans to unionize so that you can combat measures such as wandering monsters at HQ and being replaced by robots. As you can see, management is already aware of your plans and considers them no threat, and you don't need to fear any sort of retaliation.
Finally, those of you who are robots may be concerned about the danger of anti-robot extremists. Rest assured, during the next routine update we will be modifying your code to remove these concerns.