LPF Week 20 - Nostos
"Your days of evildoing are done!" Hugo shouted as he thrust his prop sword just to the left of the 'evil wizard,' who clutched at his chest and gave a cry of anguish before toppling to the floor. The audience cheered enthusiastically. Hugo struck a triumphant pose over the 'corpse' as the curtain closed in front of him.
A few minutes later, Hugo was headed for the back room where he would change out of his costume. He opened the door, expecting to find some of his fellow actors already changing, and was surprised to find it occupied instead by a single stranger. She did not look pleased to be there.
"Before I say anything else, I want to make it absolutely clear that I am not here and that I never was," said the stranger.
"Forgive me, but I'm fairly certain that you are," said Hugo.
"I am from the government," the woman said. "I am here in an official and highly secret capacity."
Ah.
"Are you familiar with the recent exploits of Astartos the Invincible?" she asked him.
Hugo nervously pointed back towards the stage where he had just been portraying Astartos the Invincible, certain that he must have misunderstood something.
"The recent exploits," the woman emphasized impatiently.
"Um...no?"
"Several weeks ago, Astartos journeyed across the sea to thwart the Dread Horde of Hellgrund. They were apparently quite keen to come over here and raze our cities, devour our children, and bathe in our blood."
"Oh dear!" said Hugo, who was so used to speaking in front of an all-ages audience that he'd forgotten how to use profanity.
"Yes, well, Astartos put a stop to them, and back at the capital we have planned a big festival and a parade to celebrate, timing it perfectly to match up with his arrival home. It is all paid for and ready to go, and is going to be just wonderful. There is only one tiny little detail out of place, which is that that Astartos will not be in attendance."
"Ah," said Hugo.
"Yes, it is most inconvenient. Apparently, his ship ran into some sea monsters and whirlpools and islands full of sorceresses and giant man-eating cyclopses and such, and he will be significantly delayed."
"How delayed?"
"We are fairly certain that he is dead, so there is no telling. For all we know it could take him weeks to trick or gamble his way out of the Underworld. By the time he has come back from the dead and harnessed some sharks to pull a raft made from driftwood all the way back to the capital all of our preparations will have long since gone to waste."
"That does sound unfortunate."
"You will come to come to the capital and pretend to be Astartos for the parade and the duration of the festival. You are a few inches too tall and your nose is too flat, but you sound enough like him that we believe you can pull it off."
"I will what now?"
Two days later, Hugo found himself at the head of a parade. He shouted to people he had never met about how happy he was to be back among them. He pretended to be delighted to see landmarks and places that he had never seen before.
It was all terrifying.
Hugo hadn't realized how much of a difference it would be to be surrounded by his audience. The distance between the stage and the crowd had always created a sort of buffer that he hadn't realized that he needed so badly. Also, his 'costume' was real armor, which was much heavier and itchier than fake armor had been. At least the sword belted at his waist was still fake - if it were actual metal it probably would have had him wilting to one side by now.
It was almost a relief when the dragon showed up and the parade disintegrated into a panicked mob. Then someone ran up to Hugo and clutched at his hands.
"Save us, Astartos!" they pleaded.
Oh. Oh dear.
A few minutes later, Hugo was headed for the back room where he would change out of his costume. He opened the door, expecting to find some of his fellow actors already changing, and was surprised to find it occupied instead by a single stranger. She did not look pleased to be there.
"Before I say anything else, I want to make it absolutely clear that I am not here and that I never was," said the stranger.
"Forgive me, but I'm fairly certain that you are," said Hugo.
"I am from the government," the woman said. "I am here in an official and highly secret capacity."
Ah.
"Are you familiar with the recent exploits of Astartos the Invincible?" she asked him.
Hugo nervously pointed back towards the stage where he had just been portraying Astartos the Invincible, certain that he must have misunderstood something.
"The recent exploits," the woman emphasized impatiently.
"Um...no?"
"Several weeks ago, Astartos journeyed across the sea to thwart the Dread Horde of Hellgrund. They were apparently quite keen to come over here and raze our cities, devour our children, and bathe in our blood."
"Oh dear!" said Hugo, who was so used to speaking in front of an all-ages audience that he'd forgotten how to use profanity.
"Yes, well, Astartos put a stop to them, and back at the capital we have planned a big festival and a parade to celebrate, timing it perfectly to match up with his arrival home. It is all paid for and ready to go, and is going to be just wonderful. There is only one tiny little detail out of place, which is that that Astartos will not be in attendance."
"Ah," said Hugo.
"Yes, it is most inconvenient. Apparently, his ship ran into some sea monsters and whirlpools and islands full of sorceresses and giant man-eating cyclopses and such, and he will be significantly delayed."
"How delayed?"
"We are fairly certain that he is dead, so there is no telling. For all we know it could take him weeks to trick or gamble his way out of the Underworld. By the time he has come back from the dead and harnessed some sharks to pull a raft made from driftwood all the way back to the capital all of our preparations will have long since gone to waste."
"That does sound unfortunate."
"You will come to come to the capital and pretend to be Astartos for the parade and the duration of the festival. You are a few inches too tall and your nose is too flat, but you sound enough like him that we believe you can pull it off."
"I will what now?"
Two days later, Hugo found himself at the head of a parade. He shouted to people he had never met about how happy he was to be back among them. He pretended to be delighted to see landmarks and places that he had never seen before.
It was all terrifying.
Hugo hadn't realized how much of a difference it would be to be surrounded by his audience. The distance between the stage and the crowd had always created a sort of buffer that he hadn't realized that he needed so badly. Also, his 'costume' was real armor, which was much heavier and itchier than fake armor had been. At least the sword belted at his waist was still fake - if it were actual metal it probably would have had him wilting to one side by now.
It was almost a relief when the dragon showed up and the parade disintegrated into a panicked mob. Then someone ran up to Hugo and clutched at his hands.
"Save us, Astartos!" they pleaded.
Oh. Oh dear.