fiction - brigits_flame - amber

[hwango]

This is my entry for the writing activity on the brigits_flame community. I made it through the whole month again! Just like the last time I participated, I decided to write a set of connected stories using the same characters. You don't need to read the other parts for this to make sense, but if you like you can read part 1 (mud) here: Read more... )

Comments

[pipisafoat]

(one real quick grammar note: "Let's get out this rain," Devon said, and led the two stunned professors back inside to wait out the rest of the storm. You may want to say "out of" this rain.)

One thing I really liked about this piece is the way that, at the end of it, it seems to bring back the other weeks' topics - the mudslide that removed their rival, the eternal qualities of the giant tree and its amber as well as a previous ancient tree, and the pregnant quality of the fruit on the tree. Maybe I'm reading too much into all of that, and it's really just a coincidence, but if so, I salute your subconscious! Those references, to me, really brought this full circle and made it that much better.

[hwango]

Oops! Thanks for catching my missing "of."

Glad it all tied up neatly for you. = ) My subconscious snuck in all kinds of things that I has happy to notice while I was working on this.

Edit! (part 1)

[pipisafoat]

Okay, I'm back to do a real edit for you. Since I've already babbled about how much I loved this piece, I'll try not to do that too much more. All I'll say is that I'm sad the month is over, because that means we have to say goodbye to these guys, but at the same time, I also loved meeting your new characters this week. If you ever decide to write more about the Conveyance and its friends, you're going to have put a Public Service Announcement on the Flame for all of your fangirls, as well as for those of us who at least try not to be creepy about loving your work as much as we do. :P

Edit! (part 2)

[pipisafoat]

(not even all of the general notes fit onto one comment! gah! I am being terribly wordy!)

None of these common errors are prevalent or noticeable enough to detract much, if any, from your writing. You could probably ignore everything I've said above, and nobody would care a whole lot. On the other hand, most people probably wouldn't notice if you did start to do all of them completely accurately 100% of the time, but those of us who would notice would definitely have even more respect for you than we already do.

For the specific editing, I'll try to refrain from mentioning any of the "common errors" unless you'd like me to go through and highlight the ones I noticed - just let me know. Strikethrough shows that I am suggesting a deletion, bold an addition, and italics are my comments. Underlining something is just to draw attention to it for the comments. I hope this helps you, and feel free to question and/or ignore any of my suggestions. I did an edit on the first week of this, too, so hopefully you didn't mind my

[mermaidbia]

*puts down her popcorn bowl, swallows, sits down to write a review*

Brilliant. I see you're taking something of a slow-down with this piece as opposed to the suspense-filled battle of last week, give the characters more time to develop themselves (I loved Devon's reaction to the tree - and the funny dialogue with them talking about different things, of course. LOL. XD) You have such a good handle on the vocabulary range of this story, what words you use and shouldn't use to really let the reader be in that time, your dialogues are excellently vivid (I hate dialogue that seems forced and put-on) and your descriptions of the giant tree were downright gorgeous. When Teiger's vehicle was claimed by the erosion, I actually held my breath reading (Rule of thumb: Loud laughing/gasping/squeaking/holding breath while I read = You have won me over)

It's just...I'd die for a novel made out of this.

Which doesn't make sense because if I died, I'd be dead and couldn't read the novel. Silly me.

You rock. Seriously.

[hwango]

Glad you enjoyed it! Overall I really enjoyed writing these. Even those times when it was more of a struggle (week 3! Aargh!), the characters and setting were great fun to write about. I think I'll take a break from serial fiction next month, though. It was a fun extra challenge, but I think I need a rest. October will most likely be a month of self-contained stories instead.

Speaking of novels, though, it amazes me to look back and see that I wrote 11,000 words for these stories this month, which is more than double what I wrote last time. Maybe there's some hope for NaNoWriMo this year after all. = )

[mermaidbia]

NaNoWriMo! Are you doing NaNoWriMo too? Of course you're doing NaNoWriMo. I'll be very disappointed if you don't do NaNoWriMo.

[hwango]

I first tried it back in 2004, when I wrote about 25,000 words even though I started 9 days late. I've got a setting and some characters I worked on in another year that I thought I might finally try to write the book for this year...except that it's pretty serious, and I'm more in the mood to write more fun stuff. Hopefully I'll write about SOMETHING, though.

[dioscorea]

Hi! I'm one of your editors, sorry for the delay!

My only two suggestions are such: 1. write more of this, and quickly (please :D), and 2. Roberts subtly shook his head I think vehemently would go better here, to reinforce just how much Roberts wants to keep living.

This was a real joy to read. I had Stephen Fry's voice in my head while going through it, which just made it even funnier. Wonderful work! I'm excited to see what you write in the future!

[hwango]

Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!

I see what you mean about the subtle head-shake. When I wrote that bit I had imagined the rest of the men watching from a distance, and Roberts trying to be subtle so it wouldn't appear to them that he and Hatter were arguing, lest that make them so something rash...but then I didn't write that part in, so it doesn't make any sense! = )

[jellybeanchichi]

Hi, I am a secondary editor for you. I saw the phenomenal and complete edit by pipisafoat and thought, man, what I am going to add

[hwango]

Thanks for the edit! I see your point about "said," and that's probably the best argument yet for not changing a lot of them.

Sorry to hear you don't think this one could work on its own. I suppose there is an awful lot to recap by the time we've hit part 4, though, so I can understand. I realize now that including the intro with Hatter was probably bad for new readers, because it looks like I introduced some characters and then quickly abandoned them. People who read the other 3 would realize that it was sort of a flashback.

Glad you enjoyed the bit with Hatter, though. Maybe I could do more with him someday, too. It would be sort of a spinoff from this series.

Thanks very much for your comments and suggestions!

[aquarius_galuxy]

I really did enjoy this story! Teiger's demise was shocking, and it served very well to show the professors that they should not rush. I'm glad that Devon was around! =P The tree does sound magnificent, and I'm amazed at how the topics just seemed to all fit into this story so easily. =D

I'd really love to see such a tree. It does sound magnificent, and I can't qutie imagine an even greater tree before it! (Wonder why it died though? Or did it regenerate?) I agree with mermaidbia, this would be awesome as a novel!

Thanks for the read! =D

[hwango]

Heh, I see that you made it through the whole epic. = ) Glad you enjoyed it! As for the topics - week 2 was easy to fit in with the story, but week 3 was a real challenge. Week 4 wasn't too hard since amber at least has something in common with botanical interests. At the time I remember being very worried about what the week 4 topic might be, though.

[aquarius_galuxy]

Yeah, it would've been hard if the topic were something totally unrelated. I liked how you wove week 3's topic in! =D