And continues to go amiss....
It's time to journal again. I guess is the place I will turn when life feels like bitch slapping me in the face yet again. These last few weeks have been especially rough for me. My mom had an accident while driving her belongings cross country and I got nearly no sleep and plenty of hard physical labor trying to help her clean up the loss of so much. I am thankful she is alive and doing well, but it was a rough go at it. Then my friend asked me to help with her daughter, to which I agreed. The friend was to ride the bus with my daughter. I told my daughter and thought all was well. When my daughter got home she hopped on hangouts because she lost my phone and checked in. I asked if her friend made it there okay, to which I learned she forgot her friend was coming with her and she had forgotten and didn't have her friend. So, I lost my friends daughter and had to leave work early to find her. She found a way home, so was safe, but after a weekend of dealing with the one thing and then this coming straight behind it.... I felt so overwhelmed with the not so great emotions... the ones I don't process so well. Add to that I still don't have a very strong friend base here, and a perfect recipe for a complete mental break. So, yeah, I guess I broke for a bit. I am very disappointed my boyfriend wasn't really available or offering to talk, he just said it's okay now so don't worry about it. To me that feels like he expects me to be a robot regarding the misfortunes I experience, and maybe I have enabled that to some extent with how I lock down my emotions so tightly. Though I will admit this year has been a tad bit of the opposite.... it's been a rocky year for me and I have had more breaks this year through all the veneer.
This is where my thoughts led me today:
In this world, you are alone. There are no guarantees that there will be someone to hug you when you are sad, to listen when you need to talk, to guide when you are feeling lost. There are no guarantees of anything outside of yourself. Sometimes this feels very lonely, but resist the urge to try and find just anyone when these feelings find you. It is better to be alone than to create a drama to pull others in to fill that void. It is better to wait, there will be someone at some point there that will share a bond with you when the time is right, be it friendship or deeper. But how satisfying is it to realize you have yourself, that you can take care of you? How wonderful would it be to replace that loneliness with respect for yourself? Imagine the strength you gain when you learn to rely on yourself the most!
I guess this is what I needed to remind myself today. I know I am alone, I very much feel that a great deal in this time of my life, and I know that is what I am intended to work on. But I also pride myself on being a good daughter and a good friend. My relationship with my mom is strained because things are not going as I hoped with her moving here and we are at odds on what we want this to look like, then there's this accident that I could only go help with because there is no way I would let her down when she needed me that much. Then I lose my friends daughter and feel like a terrible friend and like I let everyone down yet again. I feel like a failure because I should have been more on this, better at keeping my daughter on task with that. She is falling apart because she is dealing with her own struggles and I don't know how to guide her since I am so consumed with my failures and the fallout of the feeling relating to that. I know my stress is maxed out, and something is going to have to give. I just don't know what that looks like quite yet. Add to it my upset with my boyfriend for not being there a bit more for me, and you have a recipe for me not feeling so good about things. I realize I might be the central issue, since all of these things are happening around me. I am the common factor here. I just am uncertain where to go with all of this.
I think what I might need is to take a step back from everyone that I can (obviously I mean my mom and boyfriend, since my kids aren't able to be taken a step back from). I need to center myself and figure out what I need from here. I need to balance inner me, then look outside of that and figure out how to balance them.
So, I guess I figured out what I need to do. It's harder to put this into practice honestly, because I am so committed to so many things and I am not going to back out of them. So what does this look like in the big picture? This is what I really need to reflect on, it seems.
Any rate, I think I've talked myself in circles a bit. I guess I'll see what to do next as I step back and reflect.
This is where my thoughts led me today:
In this world, you are alone. There are no guarantees that there will be someone to hug you when you are sad, to listen when you need to talk, to guide when you are feeling lost. There are no guarantees of anything outside of yourself. Sometimes this feels very lonely, but resist the urge to try and find just anyone when these feelings find you. It is better to be alone than to create a drama to pull others in to fill that void. It is better to wait, there will be someone at some point there that will share a bond with you when the time is right, be it friendship or deeper. But how satisfying is it to realize you have yourself, that you can take care of you? How wonderful would it be to replace that loneliness with respect for yourself? Imagine the strength you gain when you learn to rely on yourself the most!
I guess this is what I needed to remind myself today. I know I am alone, I very much feel that a great deal in this time of my life, and I know that is what I am intended to work on. But I also pride myself on being a good daughter and a good friend. My relationship with my mom is strained because things are not going as I hoped with her moving here and we are at odds on what we want this to look like, then there's this accident that I could only go help with because there is no way I would let her down when she needed me that much. Then I lose my friends daughter and feel like a terrible friend and like I let everyone down yet again. I feel like a failure because I should have been more on this, better at keeping my daughter on task with that. She is falling apart because she is dealing with her own struggles and I don't know how to guide her since I am so consumed with my failures and the fallout of the feeling relating to that. I know my stress is maxed out, and something is going to have to give. I just don't know what that looks like quite yet. Add to it my upset with my boyfriend for not being there a bit more for me, and you have a recipe for me not feeling so good about things. I realize I might be the central issue, since all of these things are happening around me. I am the common factor here. I just am uncertain where to go with all of this.
I think what I might need is to take a step back from everyone that I can (obviously I mean my mom and boyfriend, since my kids aren't able to be taken a step back from). I need to center myself and figure out what I need from here. I need to balance inner me, then look outside of that and figure out how to balance them.
So, I guess I figured out what I need to do. It's harder to put this into practice honestly, because I am so committed to so many things and I am not going to back out of them. So what does this look like in the big picture? This is what I really need to reflect on, it seems.
Any rate, I think I've talked myself in circles a bit. I guess I'll see what to do next as I step back and reflect.