more new stuff good and bad
So much new stuff is happening. damn, it's all different, and yet, everything continues to be miserable. my relationship is about to burst apart b/c of the silence. sometimes i can't imagine not being with him, and sometimes i think otherwise. like why am i putting a great deal of effort into this when he, clearly, is not focusing on me or this relationship. he's focusing on him. i know that i sound greedy and all, but i am a girl. girl's are needy for love. i like the sappy, gurlie stuff. letters, messages, random phone calls, spontaneity. i just want him to be as interested in this as i am. i just know that he's not...i can't make him talk to me and do these things. the fact that this is even an issue pisses me right the fuck off. i would fucking run circles around the world for him, and it's a tremendous effort to write me a letter or stay on the phone with me for a few extra minutes. i know guys that would do it for me, but for some reason, the one guy who should appreciate me and want to do anything for me, doesn't; doesn't want to/feel the need to do nice random things for me. i'm so mentally exerted from pondering these questions among thousands of others in my head, day after day. those thoughts that make it into the journal are those that are most prominent/vibrant/circulatory in my mind. so, shit is either going to change and we're going to communicate better with each other or the noncommunication ordeal that is taking place now and has been for the past few months, shall cause me to make a life defining decision: my happiness or his?