It never gets easier....duzn't matter how hard i try.
There's always a time like this. where i feel like nothing i say or do is right. i feel like i'm losing control of my entire life. i can't control my love life, i can't control my family life, i can't even control my own business! i'm so overwhelmed. i'm tired of fighting my way through everything. i feel like i have to be constantly on the defense with everyone and everything. i feel like i've become such a bitch b/c all of my situations require me to scream to be heard, or punch n kick my way to the top, or even to hurt myself in order to get my point across.
last night, for the first time in a really long time, i wanted to go to the beach. i haven't been to the beach since after me n berto's 1st u kno. i've been really emotional. i need to make changes in my life. i just wanted to go to the beach and ball my eyes out until i fell asleep. i'm so tired of fighting with him. god knows i love him so much it hurts. every day and every night. but he makes these commentz like i'm not supposed to be mad at them. tonite he calls my friend a whore and that's "ok"? he appologized, but it's like he is so quick to laugh at other people's despair that i'm afraid to open up to him. i can't have a conversation with him w/o him getting mad or defensive with me. as soon as he gets loud, i jus wanna shut up or if i start talking he gets mad. i'm not submissive, but it's like i want things to work b/w us so badly that i'll be quiet and hold my thoughts and feelings in just to be with him and make sure that he's not stressed. i know that when he stresses, i stress. and there's no need for any of it. dammit i prayed for a long time for god to help me stop loving him before i get hurt. but i know he wouldn't hurt me on purpose....would he? i mean, i know tha internet doesn't mean jack shit...and he says all the gurls are like whatever aquaintances but then he puts some doubtful shit on there that makes me wonder if he would ever do what he says on there...it makes me cry. it's like he has a complete disregard for my feelings. sometimes i wish that i could control my temper with him. i try, i really do. but he just knows wut to say to piss me off. and not only does he know when he does it, but he does it so often that it makes me think he's trying to push me away and i'm just not getting the hint. but then over all of that, he tells me he loves me and he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. but i can't spend the rest of my life wondering whether i'm good enough for him...it's not fair. i want to do better for him, for me. i just don't know how. i can't right my wrongs, i can't take back things that have been said or done. i can't change the past, nor predict the future. but i can prepare myself for whatever may happen: here i sit with my shield up, on tha defense, again. i'll just wait until i know that it's okay to be myself again. but until then, the only one who sees me as i am, take it or leave it, is god. i wish my eyes could hide what my heart does tell my head. if eyes could hide, berto would never know that i love him...
in my heart i know that things will be better. i don't know how, and i don't know when. but i pray everynight to be with him no matter wut.
Stupid gurl,
Amanda
last night, for the first time in a really long time, i wanted to go to the beach. i haven't been to the beach since after me n berto's 1st u kno. i've been really emotional. i need to make changes in my life. i just wanted to go to the beach and ball my eyes out until i fell asleep. i'm so tired of fighting with him. god knows i love him so much it hurts. every day and every night. but he makes these commentz like i'm not supposed to be mad at them. tonite he calls my friend a whore and that's "ok"? he appologized, but it's like he is so quick to laugh at other people's despair that i'm afraid to open up to him. i can't have a conversation with him w/o him getting mad or defensive with me. as soon as he gets loud, i jus wanna shut up or if i start talking he gets mad. i'm not submissive, but it's like i want things to work b/w us so badly that i'll be quiet and hold my thoughts and feelings in just to be with him and make sure that he's not stressed. i know that when he stresses, i stress. and there's no need for any of it. dammit i prayed for a long time for god to help me stop loving him before i get hurt. but i know he wouldn't hurt me on purpose....would he? i mean, i know tha internet doesn't mean jack shit...and he says all the gurls are like whatever aquaintances but then he puts some doubtful shit on there that makes me wonder if he would ever do what he says on there...it makes me cry. it's like he has a complete disregard for my feelings. sometimes i wish that i could control my temper with him. i try, i really do. but he just knows wut to say to piss me off. and not only does he know when he does it, but he does it so often that it makes me think he's trying to push me away and i'm just not getting the hint. but then over all of that, he tells me he loves me and he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. but i can't spend the rest of my life wondering whether i'm good enough for him...it's not fair. i want to do better for him, for me. i just don't know how. i can't right my wrongs, i can't take back things that have been said or done. i can't change the past, nor predict the future. but i can prepare myself for whatever may happen: here i sit with my shield up, on tha defense, again. i'll just wait until i know that it's okay to be myself again. but until then, the only one who sees me as i am, take it or leave it, is god. i wish my eyes could hide what my heart does tell my head. if eyes could hide, berto would never know that i love him...
in my heart i know that things will be better. i don't know how, and i don't know when. but i pray everynight to be with him no matter wut.
Stupid gurl,
Amanda