Why I Regret Becoming a Vampire
I can't fully remember how I became a vampire. I have a vague recollection of getting rejected by some girl I had a crush on at work. That night I proceeded to get right fucked up by drinking some Colt 45s while inhaling a gasoline soaked rag. At one point I was lying on the floor, approaching my slumber when one of the greatest vampire movies of all time came on TV: Dracula 2000.
I don't know if it was Dracula's charisma or Geri Ryan's breasts, but I was a man possessed. I got in my car and somehow drove to the closest cemetery. I don't fully remember what happened next. I met someone or something. I was given a choice and I chose a life I now regret.
I am here to warn all you goth kids and borderline emo/goth kids, that being a vampire isn't nearly as great as Dracula 2000 made it out to be. So please heed these words:
1) Vampires don’t have nearly as much sex as you’d think. You can get a boner, but it’s super hard to maintain. You have to drink a lot of blood to keep it up and logistically it's just too difficult to fuck at the same time, all the while keeping the girl under your vampire spell.
2) If you're in the right frame of mind and you have a large male before you, you might manage to rub the odd one out while continually feasting. But you can do that now without the aid of special vampire powers and without having a big fat guy attached to your mouth.
3) I've tried cheap viagra and cialis and they are of no help, nor is coke. Trust me everyone, this is super lame.
4) Well yeah, now I can get all the pussy I want with my super seductive vampire powers, but all I can do is go down on the girl before I drink her blood. Most of my buddy vampires think I’m a lesbian or something.
5) Drinking blood isn’t nearly as euphoric as they make it seem in the movies. Most vampires overact or overplay the whole drinking blood thing because they haven’t had sex in centuries and it makes them regret becoming a vampire just a tiny bit less.
6) Women vampires are worse than all human women on their periods put together. They’re prone to massive mood swings and are emotional as shit and so damn cranky when they’re hungry. And if you ever meet a vampire who was turned while she was on her period as a human, just turn into a bat and get the fuck out of there.
7) For some reason chick vampires are just as high maintenance as they were in human form, taking as many as 2 hours to get ready to go out and eat. They’re eternally the same age and don’t have to worry about wrinkles, but are still super insecure. They also hate being called chicks. LOL!
8) People don’t suddenly become cool just because they’ve turned into a vampire. If you were a fucken loser as a person, you’re a fucken loser vampire. It blows. It’s like high school all over again. We even have vampire cliques. I mean give me a break already. A lot of lame sports fans here too, mostly Lakers and Yankees fans. Ugh…
I could go on forever but the sun is upon me and I must return to my coffin for my daily rest.
If you're still not convinced, keep in mind that my coffin is an old porta potty. Goth and emo douches, you have been warned.
I don't know if it was Dracula's charisma or Geri Ryan's breasts, but I was a man possessed. I got in my car and somehow drove to the closest cemetery. I don't fully remember what happened next. I met someone or something. I was given a choice and I chose a life I now regret.
I am here to warn all you goth kids and borderline emo/goth kids, that being a vampire isn't nearly as great as Dracula 2000 made it out to be. So please heed these words:
1) Vampires don’t have nearly as much sex as you’d think. You can get a boner, but it’s super hard to maintain. You have to drink a lot of blood to keep it up and logistically it's just too difficult to fuck at the same time, all the while keeping the girl under your vampire spell.
2) If you're in the right frame of mind and you have a large male before you, you might manage to rub the odd one out while continually feasting. But you can do that now without the aid of special vampire powers and without having a big fat guy attached to your mouth.
3) I've tried cheap viagra and cialis and they are of no help, nor is coke. Trust me everyone, this is super lame.
4) Well yeah, now I can get all the pussy I want with my super seductive vampire powers, but all I can do is go down on the girl before I drink her blood. Most of my buddy vampires think I’m a lesbian or something.
5) Drinking blood isn’t nearly as euphoric as they make it seem in the movies. Most vampires overact or overplay the whole drinking blood thing because they haven’t had sex in centuries and it makes them regret becoming a vampire just a tiny bit less.
6) Women vampires are worse than all human women on their periods put together. They’re prone to massive mood swings and are emotional as shit and so damn cranky when they’re hungry. And if you ever meet a vampire who was turned while she was on her period as a human, just turn into a bat and get the fuck out of there.
7) For some reason chick vampires are just as high maintenance as they were in human form, taking as many as 2 hours to get ready to go out and eat. They’re eternally the same age and don’t have to worry about wrinkles, but are still super insecure. They also hate being called chicks. LOL!
8) People don’t suddenly become cool just because they’ve turned into a vampire. If you were a fucken loser as a person, you’re a fucken loser vampire. It blows. It’s like high school all over again. We even have vampire cliques. I mean give me a break already. A lot of lame sports fans here too, mostly Lakers and Yankees fans. Ugh…
I could go on forever but the sun is upon me and I must return to my coffin for my daily rest.
If you're still not convinced, keep in mind that my coffin is an old porta potty. Goth and emo douches, you have been warned.