white boxes with silver ribbon and a big heavy thought inside
i have two more paragraphs left to go on my medieval history essay, which wouldn't take me more than an hour or so if only i'd get off this horrible invention, this spidery world wide web (LINK: SPIDERMAN 3!!!!!) and it's little minions; its best friends google & yahoo, clever friends IMDB and wikiwiki and of course it cannot not revel in the company of the lovely and gorgeous livejournal. she is a fantastic creature (and baaaah towards the evil green queen myspace) boo boo boo!
this will make any boyfriend cringe and any girl giggle, but as i was lazing myself out today i just couldn't not think of the big white flash brash event otherwise known as the wedding! (it was vogue australia with its big bridal edition that made me do it) i could place exclamation marks all across the board like so !!!!!! because that is how exciting it is! i love weddings because everything is so, white! (exclamation mark!) is that seemingly bizarre?
of course, being a girl i love big swishy gowns with tiaras and sparkly heels and vera wang. but that's not all, i love the make up, the flowers, big white boxes, the gathering of friends, lots of music and lots of food.
i just wa...........stop: edit. scroll up. skim. scroll down. stop. look away. start again.
over the past couple of days when i should have been doing my essay, i was watching abc kids on rollercoaster. there's this show called 'growing up creepie!' and i think i'm getting overly excited about it. watching that show just got me so so excited, i can't even explain it....but the minute i saw creepie i fell in love with her and the show. it's just so well drawn and quirky, definately quirky. she's this girl with a big oval face and a small body, with a combination of blue, red, orange, green and purple hair, purple make-up, in a little black dress and stripy black and purple sleeves and leggings.
she's a cartoon poster girl, next to daria in the miniskirt and doc martens. go creepie!
i have absolutely no idea why i get so insecure sometimes. on some marvellous days, i wake up, slip on my little skirt, black boots and strut out the door and then there are other days where i just want to sink down into my bed covers and hide....or reach over for the phone book and dial up the boyfriend or a friend. it's like my worries get so compacted, so insane that my brain threatens to explode, to rocket out and hit the moon.
many of my worries are simply thoughts, or futuristic worries that have had no precedence in the present, or are basically tiny things that a lot of girls might brush off over a hot chocolate in the morning. or if it was something of a worry, they don't look at it with such seriousness.
i don't know why, and when i do feel that way i get all agitated, incredibly fidgety, wanting to do something, anything to get my mind moving but at the same time i limp out. i don't want to move because i feel like my head is too heavy to get up and operate so instead i cuddle up inside my doona and hug myself hoping whatever i was thinking about would fly off into the distance.
a lof of the time, i want to know that i'm doing the right thing, being the right person, being a good friend, being the girlfriend. i just want to know that my decisions in life are right. the funny thing is, no one knows and no one can tell me i'm doing a right thing or a wrong thing or making a right decision or a wrong one. and all this time i want reassurance that i'm ok, that i'm doing ok as a person, that i have nothing to worry about - that everything in my life is going fine. but i know it's not at times and i'm always out, always out and about trying to interest myself, to self actualise because there's always this feeling, this feeling that i'm less than mediocre - ignored, picked on, laughed at, the kid with the inferiority complex.
it annoys me to no end, to know that i stuff up or i've done something that can't be reversed, or if i thought a little, nothing would have happened and my life wouldn't be so complicated or fussy. my sensitivity to matters don't help much either, i always feel like i've done something wrong or there's something odd about me to elicit the way people treat me sometimes, maybe they have a point, maybe they don't. sometimes these things, the treatment of people to others happens to everyone but i don't know why i feel so alone - that nothing ever happens to anybody. are my eyes closed?
thing is: i try not to think, and i don't sometimes. i ignore things and then situations come up and upset me, and i start to think again and it goes around and around like your washing cycle.
and the only thing that reassures me, just a little, is knowing that other people feel the way i do, get treated the way i do, understand the way i feel because knowing i'm not alone, god it helps so much.
this will make any boyfriend cringe and any girl giggle, but as i was lazing myself out today i just couldn't not think of the big white flash brash event otherwise known as the wedding! (it was vogue australia with its big bridal edition that made me do it) i could place exclamation marks all across the board like so !!!!!! because that is how exciting it is! i love weddings because everything is so, white! (exclamation mark!) is that seemingly bizarre?
of course, being a girl i love big swishy gowns with tiaras and sparkly heels and vera wang. but that's not all, i love the make up, the flowers, big white boxes, the gathering of friends, lots of music and lots of food.
i just wa...........stop: edit. scroll up. skim. scroll down. stop. look away. start again.
over the past couple of days when i should have been doing my essay, i was watching abc kids on rollercoaster. there's this show called 'growing up creepie!' and i think i'm getting overly excited about it. watching that show just got me so so excited, i can't even explain it....but the minute i saw creepie i fell in love with her and the show. it's just so well drawn and quirky, definately quirky. she's this girl with a big oval face and a small body, with a combination of blue, red, orange, green and purple hair, purple make-up, in a little black dress and stripy black and purple sleeves and leggings.
she's a cartoon poster girl, next to daria in the miniskirt and doc martens. go creepie!
i have absolutely no idea why i get so insecure sometimes. on some marvellous days, i wake up, slip on my little skirt, black boots and strut out the door and then there are other days where i just want to sink down into my bed covers and hide....or reach over for the phone book and dial up the boyfriend or a friend. it's like my worries get so compacted, so insane that my brain threatens to explode, to rocket out and hit the moon.
many of my worries are simply thoughts, or futuristic worries that have had no precedence in the present, or are basically tiny things that a lot of girls might brush off over a hot chocolate in the morning. or if it was something of a worry, they don't look at it with such seriousness.
i don't know why, and when i do feel that way i get all agitated, incredibly fidgety, wanting to do something, anything to get my mind moving but at the same time i limp out. i don't want to move because i feel like my head is too heavy to get up and operate so instead i cuddle up inside my doona and hug myself hoping whatever i was thinking about would fly off into the distance.
a lof of the time, i want to know that i'm doing the right thing, being the right person, being a good friend, being the girlfriend. i just want to know that my decisions in life are right. the funny thing is, no one knows and no one can tell me i'm doing a right thing or a wrong thing or making a right decision or a wrong one. and all this time i want reassurance that i'm ok, that i'm doing ok as a person, that i have nothing to worry about - that everything in my life is going fine. but i know it's not at times and i'm always out, always out and about trying to interest myself, to self actualise because there's always this feeling, this feeling that i'm less than mediocre - ignored, picked on, laughed at, the kid with the inferiority complex.
it annoys me to no end, to know that i stuff up or i've done something that can't be reversed, or if i thought a little, nothing would have happened and my life wouldn't be so complicated or fussy. my sensitivity to matters don't help much either, i always feel like i've done something wrong or there's something odd about me to elicit the way people treat me sometimes, maybe they have a point, maybe they don't. sometimes these things, the treatment of people to others happens to everyone but i don't know why i feel so alone - that nothing ever happens to anybody. are my eyes closed?
thing is: i try not to think, and i don't sometimes. i ignore things and then situations come up and upset me, and i start to think again and it goes around and around like your washing cycle.
and the only thing that reassures me, just a little, is knowing that other people feel the way i do, get treated the way i do, understand the way i feel because knowing i'm not alone, god it helps so much.