Fic/Script - Carol of The Daleks
Title: Carol of The Daleks
Series: Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Beta: Where's the fun in that?
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who. This is intended as a spoof and no money was made from it.
Author's Note: I wrote this for my theatre company like three years ago or something. It was never produced and never saw the light of day again. This Christmas, I give it to you, in all its unedited glory.
Part 2: If there is any bit that is really good, please let me know. I would like to know what worked.
Carol of the Daleks
A Doctor Who Christmas Special Spoof
By C.J. Broch
Characters:
Grandma
Rose
The Doctor
Donna
Monica
Mike
Children
Families
Daleks
Scene 1
(A matronly older woman in a garish knitted Christmas sweater and skirt sits down with a book. She flips open the book to a specific part and begins.)
GRANDMA
Gather round children, gather round. It’s time for our Christmas story. What a wonderful Christmas story I have for you this year!
(ROSE steps out from backstage and watches the woman talking.)
GRANDMA
It’s a wonderful story about a wonderful, sweet, kind, caring young man. A young man who cheerfully came in and pulled the world out of a wee bit of a rough spot on Christmas. We had nary to fear when that young man was here. A kindly foreigner, wise in his ways, yet out of his world.
(ROSE steps forward and holds up her hand to stop GRANDMA.)
ROSE
Not so fast! You’ve got it all wrong. Oh Bollocks, this is how things really happened. (snatches book from GRANDMA) Go, I dunno, make tea or something.
(GRANDMA gives an affronted sniff and stalks offstage. ROSE takes her seat, flips through the book, then tosses it over her shoulder.)
ROSE
Who needs her silly old book anyway? (gets up from chair and sits on the edge of the stage, legs hanging down over edge) Now, for the real Christmas story, I know it, and I’ll tell it to you.
(Slow FADEOUT)
ROSE (in FADE)
The Doctor is the greatest man I have ever known, and he always loved Christmas. Many surprises always awaited us around the holidays, and it was always, always fast-paced adventures. Sycorax, Heavenly Hosts, who knows, always something new. When Donna and her mum went to Chicago to visit family for Christmas, it was destined to include adventures on the horizon.
Scene 2
(ROSE moves to sit on the edge of the stage near one of the corners. New set consists of a couch, a coffee table, a dining room table upstage, and another chair nearby, basically a typical Midwest living room. When the lights come up ROSE is sitting in her corner and there is a young man slouched on the couch. He is wearing a brown suit, very disheveled, jacket off, shoes off, tie is untied and hanging loosely around his neck and he has a TV remote in his hand. He is flipping channels on an unseen television. In comes DONNA, chewing on a piece of bread pudding and has a second piece of bread pudding in her hand.)
DONNA
Oi! Are you ever getting properly dressed? My cousin and her fiancée are going to be here in a few minutes, with his kid!
DOCTOR
What? (snaps out of his television trance and looks at her) what? Eating again? Isn’t dinner in half an hour?
DONNA
Just to tide me over. You know how Aunt ‘Tilda’s cooking is!
(DONNA walks behind couch, bending over and picking up his suit jacket from the floor, shaking some tinsel off of it. She tries to hand it to the DOCTOR but he ignores her and returns to flipping channels. She moves to yank him bodily off the couch but realizes she has both hands full. She stuffs the other piece of bread pudding in her mouth and proceeds to yank him into an upright position and stuff him into the suit jacket. In the process some crumbs fall from her mouth onto his tie and he flicks them off, then regards her with a raised eyebrow)
DOCTOR
Putting on a bit of water weight are we?
DONNA
You deal with the holidays…and my mother…and my aunt…you should talk, Marley!
(The DOCTOR opens his mouth to retort but is stopped by the doorbell ringing. DONNA gives the DOCTOR a few quick hand signals to tuck in his shirt and tie his tie, and as soon as he begins to fix the tie, runs to the door, brushes a few crumbs off her shirt and opens the door. MONICA and MIKE are standing there, MONICA laden down with an armload of gifts. MIKE ducks under her elbow and races into the living room, Nerf-dart-gun in hand and shoots a couple darts at the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR ignores the darts hitting him, back to staring at the TV, absent-mindedly fixing his shirt.)
MIKE
(singsong) Are you D’s boyfriend?
DOCTOR
What? What? What?
MONICA
(lays packages under tree) Mike, quit it. Santa’s watching you.
MIKE
(singsong) He’s weird. I bet he’s the boyfriend. D’s boyfriend. I bet they kiss all the time! (makes fake smooching noises)
MONICA
(snatches remote from DOCTOR and shoves it into MIKE’s hand, shoving him onto the couch) Here, watch television and leave him alone. (turns to DONNA) Sorry about that Donna. Charlie couldn’t make it, he got called in tonight, but hopefully he’ll be here for tomorrow.
DONNA
Oh, that’s okay. (pulls a Crunchie bar from pocket and starts absent-mindedly munching it)
(The DOCTOR gets up and starts looking at the Christmas Cards on the table, his back to the scene.)
MONICA
So, who is the cute piece of man? Is he your boyfriend?
DONNA
That bag-o-bones. No. Oh no, we’re just friends.
MIKE
That’s it! I want it! I want it! I want it! Santa had better put one of those under the tree!
MONICA
That kid wants everything he sees. What is it now Mikey-dear?
MIKE
Everyone is getting those! SANTA BETTER BRING ME ONE! If I don’t get one, I’ll be the only kid without one!
DONNA
(munching on some nuts) What could be so much that these kids want them that badly?
MONICA
I think I know.
MIKE
I have to have one! I want a Kaled! I want a Kaled! I WANT MY VERY OWN KALED!
(At this the DOCTOR spins around a look of fear on his face.)
DOCTOR
What? What did you say?
MONICA
Oh, these new toys, they’re the hottest things on the market. Kaleds they call them. If you ask me, they are pretty simple.
DOCTOR
Kaleds? What are Kaleds?
MONICA
It’s THE toy of the year.
MIKE
I WANT ONE! (he runs out of the room, still yelling how much he wants a Kaled)
MONICA
I better stop him before he drives mom and your mother nuts. Anybody want a pop?
DONNA
I’ll take one.
MONICA
Great. (MONICA leaves.)
DONNA
Oi! Talk to me alien boy! Are these Kaleds bad?
DOCTOR
I don’t know. If they are what I think they are, then the Earth is in grave danger.
DONNA
And if they aren’t?
DOCTOR
Then that kid is in grave danger. You’re whole family is really annoying, well, now, not really, well not the whole family. Granddad, you’re Granddad can be a right good fella.
DONNA
Yea, Granddad is the best. But wait! How do we know if these things are bad?
DOCTOR
We don’t and I don’t care. Christmas and I do not get along.
DONNA
Sure, one big mother spider tries to destroy the world, drains the Thames, and you’re ready to give up on the holiday that means the most to people the world over?
DOCTOR
Yeah, well, add to that the Sycorax invasion, the Titanic and some metallic men, and the holidays and I have agreed to not get along.
(The DOCTOR flops down on the couch and picks up the remote flipping through the channels and zones out DONNA as she pulls out a candy cane and starts to suck on it, while twirling her hair.)
BLACKOUT
Scene 3
ROSE
Little Mikey was to be the least of their problems.
(Three different children are opening their gifts Christmas morning. They have each received Kaleds, which are knitted Daleks. The kids are happy and start to play with their Kaleds, when from behind them glide on DALEKS. There is a pause and then the DALEKS advance to in front of the children and the families.)
DALEKS
Exterminate.
IMMEDIATE BLACKOUT
Scene 4
(It is Christmas morning for DONNA’s family. DOCTOR has a robe on, and his hair is disheveled. DONNA is sitting there drinking eggnog and eating breakfast leftovers. MONICA and MIKE and waiting by a pile of presents.)
DONNA
MOTHER! Oi! Come on AUNT TILDA!
MIKE
I WANT MY PRESENTS!
MONICA
Why don’t we just let him open his gifts?
DONNA
I thought you were waiting for Charlie?
MONICA
He got called in to the ER. Some mass casualty this morning.
DONNA
Oh well, I guess their just jabbering away, all jabber-like. Might as well.
MONICA
All right Mikey, you can open your gifts.
MIKE
YEAH!
(MIKE tears into the pile of presents, tossing other toys aside until he gets to the last box. Inside is a brightly colored Kaled. He screams with delight and then runs to the DOCTOR and puts the plunger arm on the DOCTOR’s nose.)
MIKE
KALED! I got a KALED!
(MIKE runs off, shouting happily as the DOCTOR looks on in horror.)
MONICA
I am glad he likes it. It took me three malls to find it. I tried the HIP, Old Orchard, and finally found one at Yorktown Shopping Center. I better go stop him before he ruins it before his dad can see it.
(MONICA leaves as DONNA puts her plate aside, She sees the DOCTOR’s expression)
DONNA
Oi! All right spaceman, what is so bad about a children’s toy?
(Before he can answer MONICA and MIKE reenter and MONICA sits MIKE down, tossing the Kaled on the couch next to the DOCTOR.)
MONICA
Here, just watch the State Street Parade on Channel 7 Mikey. You’re dad will be home soon and then you two can play.
MIKE
(pouting) But I want to play now.
MONICA
No.
(Suddenly two DALEKS enter behind them, and the DOCTOR slowly turns around and faces them.)
DALEKS
Exterminate.
DONNA
(getting up) Excuse me? No! No one is ruining my Christmas in the States! It was bad enough I had my wedding ruined, I will not have my Christmas ruined!
(DONNA goes towards the DALEKS and bumps them with her stomach and they twirl off the stage.)
MONICA
What was that!
DONNA
I don’t know, but you can bet they are gone.
DOCTOR
They’re not gone.
DONNA
Oh great, did somebody forget to tell me to put on my wedding dress?
BLACKOUT
Scene 5
(The DOCTOR has changed into his suit, and is not disheveled. He is sitting cross-legged on the couch with a laptop and small version of the TARDIS attached to it. He is clicking away.)
MONICA But what were those things?
DOCTOR
Daleks.
MONICA
What about Mikey? What do they do?
DOCTOR
They kill.
DONNA
Well Merry Bloody Christmas!
DOCTOR
(Staring at the computer) Something is not right here. (he makes a face and then realizes it and pulls out his glasses) Aha! Forgot the brainy specs. Can’t have that, now can I, hmm? (goes back to the computer)
MONICA
He’s a nutjob! We were attacked. We should be calling the police.
DONNA
Just let him… let him.. work. He’ll figure it out. He usually does.
MONICA
Usually? What does that mean?
DONNA
He’s had a lot of experience with this.
MONICA
With what? Getting killed? No wonder you can’t find a decent man.
DONNA
Why don’t you go outside with those things then?
MONICA
I’m going to the kitchen. Want anything?
DONNA
A couple slices of ham. Oh and some bread, and maybe some mashed potatoes. Just a small sandwich of that then. (MONICA looks at her) It’s my metabolism. You think you know everything because you’re engaged to a doctor!
DOCTOR
(looks up) What?
DONNA
Oi! Get on with it.
(MONICA leaves the room as DONNA comes by the DOCTOR)
DONNA
All right, what is this thing?
DOCTOR
What? This? Oh, it’s a portable, a little wittle blimey wimey portable TARDIS. I just plug it into a computer and I can access the TARDIS from anywhere.
DONNA
How did you come up with that?
DOCTOR
I’m brilliant! (stares at the computer) But apparently not brilliant enough. (takes off his glasses.) I am afraid we have run out of time, or at least the Daleks have. They are out of time, and there is no way to stop them.
DONNA
No way, not at all? Are you positive?
DOCTOR
Quite.
DONNA
(pauses, and then snaps back) Well, then, if you have nothing in your pockets, I guess you better open your gift.
DOCTOR
What? What? What gift?
DONNA
(handing him a box) This one.
DOCTOR
But I didn’t get you anything.
DONNA
It’s not from me. It says it’s from Father Christmas.
DOCTOR
Impossible! But I-
(DOCTOR takes the box and warily opens it. He looks inside and a look of awe comes across his face. He slowly pulls out a long multi-colored scarf that is the 4th DOCTOR’s scarf. He holds it reverently and then licks it.)
DOCTOR
Impossible! But it’s, it’s mine! (he holds it up) It’s mine!
DONNA
Well, the tag said it was for you.
DOCTOR
No! It’s mine, it was mine, I mean, I thought I lost it, years ago.
(DOCTOR wraps the scarf around his neck and is lost a moment in a memory. He then snaps to and puts his glasses on. He sits down again and picks up a celery stick from a plate and begins to munch it as he works madly on the computer.)
DONNA
What? What’s happening?
DOCTOR
There might be a way! I should have seen it before! (he runs by the window and checks for the wind direction.) Mmmhhhmm. Oh yes. (he stops and sniffs the air.) Right. (he then runs back to the computer and then leans back a big grin on his face.) I’m brilliant!
BLACKOUT
Scene 6
(The DOCTOR and DONNA are standing under the Macy’s clock, formerly the Marshall Field’s clock in the cold, his jacket whipping around him.)
DONNA
What are we doing here? I’m freezing my tits off.
DOCTOR
It’s still here. Isn’t that great. Good old humans, afraid to get rid of anything in their life. Their lives are so short, they just want to hold on, to anything and anyone that means the slightest bit to them. Amazing piece of work.
DONNA
It’s a clock.
DOCTOR
Right, right, well, yes. It is a clock. But it is also a timepiece.
DONNA
What are you talking about martian man?
DOCTOR
It is a timepiece. In the middle of this brilliant old clock is a small vial of time. Why do you think Chicago has so many ghosts floating through? Aha! It is not the ghosts, it is remnants of time being drawn unto itself. A convergence of periods, due to one unfailing bit, stuck in the most beautiful of containers, time itself!
(DONNA looks at him confused.)
DONNA
Earth speak please?
DOCTOR
(looking behind him) We don’t have time for that. Time to go to work.
DALEKS
(Entering) It is the Doctor. Exterminate the Doctor.
(The DOCTOR stands there smiling as the DALEKS approach. There is small chase scene where at the end DONNA ends up bumping the last DALEK into place under the clock.)
DOCTOR
Now for the last step. (He pulls out his sonic screwdriver, fixes the setting and then activates it as the DALEKS disappear.) Brilliant! Just needed the right frequency to access time. (He gives a big grin.)
BLACKOUT
Scene 7
(Back at DONNA’s family house.)
DONNA
I still don’t get it. Where did they go?
DOCTOR
We just shifted time. If I was correct, and I know I was, they should be in the exact same spot, about 1,000 years ago. Probably stuck in some muck pit.
DONNA
But won’t they come back.
DOCTOR
Probably not. They are extinct now.
DONNA
Well good. What about the scarf?
DOCTOR
(fondling the scarf) I guess I just needed to be reminded about who I am.
DONNA
From Father Christmas? You know Father Christmas?
DOCTOR
Betty Wetty Doll when you were 8.
DONNA
What?!
(MIKE comes in and grabs his Kaled.)
MIKE
MINE! You better not have ruined it!!
(The DOCTOR pulls out his screwdriver, and points it at MIKE)
DONNA
Don’t you dare.
(The DOCTOR smiles and then activates it.)
MIKE
(stalls a moment and then) Monica, my soon to be mother dear, please wait for me. (he skips off)
DONNA
Oh no.
DOCTOR
Merry Christmas!
ROSE (off scene)
Merry Christmas, Doctor.
BLACKOUT
Series: Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Beta: Where's the fun in that?
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who. This is intended as a spoof and no money was made from it.
Author's Note: I wrote this for my theatre company like three years ago or something. It was never produced and never saw the light of day again. This Christmas, I give it to you, in all its unedited glory.
Part 2: If there is any bit that is really good, please let me know. I would like to know what worked.
Carol of the Daleks
A Doctor Who Christmas Special Spoof
By C.J. Broch
Characters:
Grandma
Rose
The Doctor
Donna
Monica
Mike
Children
Families
Daleks
Scene 1
(A matronly older woman in a garish knitted Christmas sweater and skirt sits down with a book. She flips open the book to a specific part and begins.)
GRANDMA
Gather round children, gather round. It’s time for our Christmas story. What a wonderful Christmas story I have for you this year!
(ROSE steps out from backstage and watches the woman talking.)
GRANDMA
It’s a wonderful story about a wonderful, sweet, kind, caring young man. A young man who cheerfully came in and pulled the world out of a wee bit of a rough spot on Christmas. We had nary to fear when that young man was here. A kindly foreigner, wise in his ways, yet out of his world.
(ROSE steps forward and holds up her hand to stop GRANDMA.)
ROSE
Not so fast! You’ve got it all wrong. Oh Bollocks, this is how things really happened. (snatches book from GRANDMA) Go, I dunno, make tea or something.
(GRANDMA gives an affronted sniff and stalks offstage. ROSE takes her seat, flips through the book, then tosses it over her shoulder.)
ROSE
Who needs her silly old book anyway? (gets up from chair and sits on the edge of the stage, legs hanging down over edge) Now, for the real Christmas story, I know it, and I’ll tell it to you.
(Slow FADEOUT)
ROSE (in FADE)
The Doctor is the greatest man I have ever known, and he always loved Christmas. Many surprises always awaited us around the holidays, and it was always, always fast-paced adventures. Sycorax, Heavenly Hosts, who knows, always something new. When Donna and her mum went to Chicago to visit family for Christmas, it was destined to include adventures on the horizon.
Scene 2
(ROSE moves to sit on the edge of the stage near one of the corners. New set consists of a couch, a coffee table, a dining room table upstage, and another chair nearby, basically a typical Midwest living room. When the lights come up ROSE is sitting in her corner and there is a young man slouched on the couch. He is wearing a brown suit, very disheveled, jacket off, shoes off, tie is untied and hanging loosely around his neck and he has a TV remote in his hand. He is flipping channels on an unseen television. In comes DONNA, chewing on a piece of bread pudding and has a second piece of bread pudding in her hand.)
DONNA
Oi! Are you ever getting properly dressed? My cousin and her fiancée are going to be here in a few minutes, with his kid!
DOCTOR
What? (snaps out of his television trance and looks at her) what? Eating again? Isn’t dinner in half an hour?
DONNA
Just to tide me over. You know how Aunt ‘Tilda’s cooking is!
(DONNA walks behind couch, bending over and picking up his suit jacket from the floor, shaking some tinsel off of it. She tries to hand it to the DOCTOR but he ignores her and returns to flipping channels. She moves to yank him bodily off the couch but realizes she has both hands full. She stuffs the other piece of bread pudding in her mouth and proceeds to yank him into an upright position and stuff him into the suit jacket. In the process some crumbs fall from her mouth onto his tie and he flicks them off, then regards her with a raised eyebrow)
DOCTOR
Putting on a bit of water weight are we?
DONNA
You deal with the holidays…and my mother…and my aunt…you should talk, Marley!
(The DOCTOR opens his mouth to retort but is stopped by the doorbell ringing. DONNA gives the DOCTOR a few quick hand signals to tuck in his shirt and tie his tie, and as soon as he begins to fix the tie, runs to the door, brushes a few crumbs off her shirt and opens the door. MONICA and MIKE are standing there, MONICA laden down with an armload of gifts. MIKE ducks under her elbow and races into the living room, Nerf-dart-gun in hand and shoots a couple darts at the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR ignores the darts hitting him, back to staring at the TV, absent-mindedly fixing his shirt.)
MIKE
(singsong) Are you D’s boyfriend?
DOCTOR
What? What? What?
MONICA
(lays packages under tree) Mike, quit it. Santa’s watching you.
MIKE
(singsong) He’s weird. I bet he’s the boyfriend. D’s boyfriend. I bet they kiss all the time! (makes fake smooching noises)
MONICA
(snatches remote from DOCTOR and shoves it into MIKE’s hand, shoving him onto the couch) Here, watch television and leave him alone. (turns to DONNA) Sorry about that Donna. Charlie couldn’t make it, he got called in tonight, but hopefully he’ll be here for tomorrow.
DONNA
Oh, that’s okay. (pulls a Crunchie bar from pocket and starts absent-mindedly munching it)
(The DOCTOR gets up and starts looking at the Christmas Cards on the table, his back to the scene.)
MONICA
So, who is the cute piece of man? Is he your boyfriend?
DONNA
That bag-o-bones. No. Oh no, we’re just friends.
MIKE
That’s it! I want it! I want it! I want it! Santa had better put one of those under the tree!
MONICA
That kid wants everything he sees. What is it now Mikey-dear?
MIKE
Everyone is getting those! SANTA BETTER BRING ME ONE! If I don’t get one, I’ll be the only kid without one!
DONNA
(munching on some nuts) What could be so much that these kids want them that badly?
MONICA
I think I know.
MIKE
I have to have one! I want a Kaled! I want a Kaled! I WANT MY VERY OWN KALED!
(At this the DOCTOR spins around a look of fear on his face.)
DOCTOR
What? What did you say?
MONICA
Oh, these new toys, they’re the hottest things on the market. Kaleds they call them. If you ask me, they are pretty simple.
DOCTOR
Kaleds? What are Kaleds?
MONICA
It’s THE toy of the year.
MIKE
I WANT ONE! (he runs out of the room, still yelling how much he wants a Kaled)
MONICA
I better stop him before he drives mom and your mother nuts. Anybody want a pop?
DONNA
I’ll take one.
MONICA
Great. (MONICA leaves.)
DONNA
Oi! Talk to me alien boy! Are these Kaleds bad?
DOCTOR
I don’t know. If they are what I think they are, then the Earth is in grave danger.
DONNA
And if they aren’t?
DOCTOR
Then that kid is in grave danger. You’re whole family is really annoying, well, now, not really, well not the whole family. Granddad, you’re Granddad can be a right good fella.
DONNA
Yea, Granddad is the best. But wait! How do we know if these things are bad?
DOCTOR
We don’t and I don’t care. Christmas and I do not get along.
DONNA
Sure, one big mother spider tries to destroy the world, drains the Thames, and you’re ready to give up on the holiday that means the most to people the world over?
DOCTOR
Yeah, well, add to that the Sycorax invasion, the Titanic and some metallic men, and the holidays and I have agreed to not get along.
(The DOCTOR flops down on the couch and picks up the remote flipping through the channels and zones out DONNA as she pulls out a candy cane and starts to suck on it, while twirling her hair.)
BLACKOUT
Scene 3
ROSE
Little Mikey was to be the least of their problems.
(Three different children are opening their gifts Christmas morning. They have each received Kaleds, which are knitted Daleks. The kids are happy and start to play with their Kaleds, when from behind them glide on DALEKS. There is a pause and then the DALEKS advance to in front of the children and the families.)
DALEKS
Exterminate.
IMMEDIATE BLACKOUT
Scene 4
(It is Christmas morning for DONNA’s family. DOCTOR has a robe on, and his hair is disheveled. DONNA is sitting there drinking eggnog and eating breakfast leftovers. MONICA and MIKE and waiting by a pile of presents.)
DONNA
MOTHER! Oi! Come on AUNT TILDA!
MIKE
I WANT MY PRESENTS!
MONICA
Why don’t we just let him open his gifts?
DONNA
I thought you were waiting for Charlie?
MONICA
He got called in to the ER. Some mass casualty this morning.
DONNA
Oh well, I guess their just jabbering away, all jabber-like. Might as well.
MONICA
All right Mikey, you can open your gifts.
MIKE
YEAH!
(MIKE tears into the pile of presents, tossing other toys aside until he gets to the last box. Inside is a brightly colored Kaled. He screams with delight and then runs to the DOCTOR and puts the plunger arm on the DOCTOR’s nose.)
MIKE
KALED! I got a KALED!
(MIKE runs off, shouting happily as the DOCTOR looks on in horror.)
MONICA
I am glad he likes it. It took me three malls to find it. I tried the HIP, Old Orchard, and finally found one at Yorktown Shopping Center. I better go stop him before he ruins it before his dad can see it.
(MONICA leaves as DONNA puts her plate aside, She sees the DOCTOR’s expression)
DONNA
Oi! All right spaceman, what is so bad about a children’s toy?
(Before he can answer MONICA and MIKE reenter and MONICA sits MIKE down, tossing the Kaled on the couch next to the DOCTOR.)
MONICA
Here, just watch the State Street Parade on Channel 7 Mikey. You’re dad will be home soon and then you two can play.
MIKE
(pouting) But I want to play now.
MONICA
No.
(Suddenly two DALEKS enter behind them, and the DOCTOR slowly turns around and faces them.)
DALEKS
Exterminate.
DONNA
(getting up) Excuse me? No! No one is ruining my Christmas in the States! It was bad enough I had my wedding ruined, I will not have my Christmas ruined!
(DONNA goes towards the DALEKS and bumps them with her stomach and they twirl off the stage.)
MONICA
What was that!
DONNA
I don’t know, but you can bet they are gone.
DOCTOR
They’re not gone.
DONNA
Oh great, did somebody forget to tell me to put on my wedding dress?
BLACKOUT
Scene 5
(The DOCTOR has changed into his suit, and is not disheveled. He is sitting cross-legged on the couch with a laptop and small version of the TARDIS attached to it. He is clicking away.)
MONICA But what were those things?
DOCTOR
Daleks.
MONICA
What about Mikey? What do they do?
DOCTOR
They kill.
DONNA
Well Merry Bloody Christmas!
DOCTOR
(Staring at the computer) Something is not right here. (he makes a face and then realizes it and pulls out his glasses) Aha! Forgot the brainy specs. Can’t have that, now can I, hmm? (goes back to the computer)
MONICA
He’s a nutjob! We were attacked. We should be calling the police.
DONNA
Just let him… let him.. work. He’ll figure it out. He usually does.
MONICA
Usually? What does that mean?
DONNA
He’s had a lot of experience with this.
MONICA
With what? Getting killed? No wonder you can’t find a decent man.
DONNA
Why don’t you go outside with those things then?
MONICA
I’m going to the kitchen. Want anything?
DONNA
A couple slices of ham. Oh and some bread, and maybe some mashed potatoes. Just a small sandwich of that then. (MONICA looks at her) It’s my metabolism. You think you know everything because you’re engaged to a doctor!
DOCTOR
(looks up) What?
DONNA
Oi! Get on with it.
(MONICA leaves the room as DONNA comes by the DOCTOR)
DONNA
All right, what is this thing?
DOCTOR
What? This? Oh, it’s a portable, a little wittle blimey wimey portable TARDIS. I just plug it into a computer and I can access the TARDIS from anywhere.
DONNA
How did you come up with that?
DOCTOR
I’m brilliant! (stares at the computer) But apparently not brilliant enough. (takes off his glasses.) I am afraid we have run out of time, or at least the Daleks have. They are out of time, and there is no way to stop them.
DONNA
No way, not at all? Are you positive?
DOCTOR
Quite.
DONNA
(pauses, and then snaps back) Well, then, if you have nothing in your pockets, I guess you better open your gift.
DOCTOR
What? What? What gift?
DONNA
(handing him a box) This one.
DOCTOR
But I didn’t get you anything.
DONNA
It’s not from me. It says it’s from Father Christmas.
DOCTOR
Impossible! But I-
(DOCTOR takes the box and warily opens it. He looks inside and a look of awe comes across his face. He slowly pulls out a long multi-colored scarf that is the 4th DOCTOR’s scarf. He holds it reverently and then licks it.)
DOCTOR
Impossible! But it’s, it’s mine! (he holds it up) It’s mine!
DONNA
Well, the tag said it was for you.
DOCTOR
No! It’s mine, it was mine, I mean, I thought I lost it, years ago.
(DOCTOR wraps the scarf around his neck and is lost a moment in a memory. He then snaps to and puts his glasses on. He sits down again and picks up a celery stick from a plate and begins to munch it as he works madly on the computer.)
DONNA
What? What’s happening?
DOCTOR
There might be a way! I should have seen it before! (he runs by the window and checks for the wind direction.) Mmmhhhmm. Oh yes. (he stops and sniffs the air.) Right. (he then runs back to the computer and then leans back a big grin on his face.) I’m brilliant!
BLACKOUT
Scene 6
(The DOCTOR and DONNA are standing under the Macy’s clock, formerly the Marshall Field’s clock in the cold, his jacket whipping around him.)
DONNA
What are we doing here? I’m freezing my tits off.
DOCTOR
It’s still here. Isn’t that great. Good old humans, afraid to get rid of anything in their life. Their lives are so short, they just want to hold on, to anything and anyone that means the slightest bit to them. Amazing piece of work.
DONNA
It’s a clock.
DOCTOR
Right, right, well, yes. It is a clock. But it is also a timepiece.
DONNA
What are you talking about martian man?
DOCTOR
It is a timepiece. In the middle of this brilliant old clock is a small vial of time. Why do you think Chicago has so many ghosts floating through? Aha! It is not the ghosts, it is remnants of time being drawn unto itself. A convergence of periods, due to one unfailing bit, stuck in the most beautiful of containers, time itself!
(DONNA looks at him confused.)
DONNA
Earth speak please?
DOCTOR
(looking behind him) We don’t have time for that. Time to go to work.
DALEKS
(Entering) It is the Doctor. Exterminate the Doctor.
(The DOCTOR stands there smiling as the DALEKS approach. There is small chase scene where at the end DONNA ends up bumping the last DALEK into place under the clock.)
DOCTOR
Now for the last step. (He pulls out his sonic screwdriver, fixes the setting and then activates it as the DALEKS disappear.) Brilliant! Just needed the right frequency to access time. (He gives a big grin.)
BLACKOUT
Scene 7
(Back at DONNA’s family house.)
DONNA
I still don’t get it. Where did they go?
DOCTOR
We just shifted time. If I was correct, and I know I was, they should be in the exact same spot, about 1,000 years ago. Probably stuck in some muck pit.
DONNA
But won’t they come back.
DOCTOR
Probably not. They are extinct now.
DONNA
Well good. What about the scarf?
DOCTOR
(fondling the scarf) I guess I just needed to be reminded about who I am.
DONNA
From Father Christmas? You know Father Christmas?
DOCTOR
Betty Wetty Doll when you were 8.
DONNA
What?!
(MIKE comes in and grabs his Kaled.)
MIKE
MINE! You better not have ruined it!!
(The DOCTOR pulls out his screwdriver, and points it at MIKE)
DONNA
Don’t you dare.
(The DOCTOR smiles and then activates it.)
MIKE
(stalls a moment and then) Monica, my soon to be mother dear, please wait for me. (he skips off)
DONNA
Oh no.
DOCTOR
Merry Christmas!
ROSE (off scene)
Merry Christmas, Doctor.
BLACKOUT