The Meaning of Being Lonely 2/4
The second time he has sex, it’s because of HyunJoong, and a misunderstanding. He walks into Jaejoong’s room, like he always would, [because he assured Changmin that his door would always be unlocked for him] and freezes. His fingers slowly slide off the metal doorknob, and clap his thigh as they collide together numbly.
Jaejoong looks up at him, shock registering on his face the moment he realizes who’s standing at his door. Seeing this. Seeing HyunJoong beneath him. Seeing his lips rough and swollen.
“Changmin, wait!”
Changmin runs the length of the hallway, down the stairs, and out the front door. Tears blinded his vision as he tripped and stumbled his way down the street - the opposite direction from his house. The opposite direction from Jaejoong’s house. The opposite direction from everything.
It’d been stupid, of course. Changmin knew there would be someone, someday that would take Jaejoong for their own. He knew he couldn’t ever be strong enough to hold onto him, but he still tried. He needed Jaejoong. Even after all of these years…not that there’d been many. It felt like an eternity since that day in his bedroom, after school, working on homework.
Changmin let a terrifying sob rip out of his throat. He discarded the looks of the couple walking across the street from him, and just fell to his knees. Couldn’t it be anyone, but HyunJoong? Anybody but him, Jaejoong. He beat the concrete beneath him, hands wet from tears, nose beginning to stuff up, head swelling with the pressure of his vehemency. Remembering that he hated crying, he sat up and angrily swiped at his eyes. Purple spots appeared where his fingers had wiped away the tears, and he sniffed to clear his nose. The soft pallet at the back of his mouth ached.
He heard an echoing clap of thunder issue from the clouds above him. He glared up at the sky, squinting more from the brightness than anger now - the gray clouds reflecting the sunlight with a new intensity. He flinched when a raindrop splashed on his cheek, and he wiped it away a moment later. It’d been useless, of course. When it rained in Seoul, it rained. Not long after that first drop splashed his cheek, a downpour began, and Changmin ran through the rain to the park.
Not the park just outside their subdivision. The park more than two miles after the north side of town. He never stopped, never looked, never felt once the rain had penetrated his skin. He wanted to be numb for this.
color:#7030A0">Meanwhile, back at headquarters.
Jaejoong hastily pulled his jeans over his legs, fingers fumbling with the button too long for his sanity.
“Jae, it’s just Changmin. Let him go.” Jaejoong looked up at him when he said this, only pausing for effect for a second. He had to see which way Changmin went.
“Yeah, it’s just Changmin. Just the only kid who’s ever understood me,” he retorted, searching for a more suitable shirt amongst the piles on his floor. “You probably scared the shit out of him. You’ll probably scare the shit out of my mother when she gets back, so you need to leave.”
A scoffing noise from the bed. “I’m not going to leave, Jaejoong.”
He said this just as Jae’s hand reached the doorhandle, and as much as he wanted to keep running, he stopped and turned back to face the older man.
“Do the words sexual harassment mean anything to you, HyunJoongseunsengnim?”
He only took delight in his outrage expression for another second, before he turned the doorknob and was halfway down the hall-flying down the stairs. When he reached the bottom, a clap of thunder shook the sideboards of the house, and rain began to pelt against the windows.
Cursing, Jae grabbed his cell phone from off the table, and took his father’s keys from the rack near the back door.
If Changmin catches a cold, that won’t be what kills him, he thought.
color:#7030A0">In the rain, north of town.
Changmin hugged himself, suddenly second guessing the desire to be numb. He looked up from his feet, which had been his guide for the past hour, and saw that he knew where he was. There was a coffee shop just around the corner that he had gone to with…
There was a coffee shop just around the corner that served the best latte he’d ever had. He quickly scurried to the corner, feet prickling into numbness as he went, and saw the neon sign through the rain. If being numb meant he had to forgo coffee, he would never step out into the rain or leave Seoul again.
He stumbled over his own feet the rest of the way, and after a moment of collecting whatever was left of his pride, opened the door. A chime jingled over his head. A kindly woman, about his mother’s age he guessed, was behind the serving counter. She smiled at him for a moment, and then her face fell when she took in his whole countenance.
“Oh my goodness! You’re soaked to the bone,” she exclaimed, as if he didn’t know. He had temporarily forgotten…the thought of coffee giving him hope.
“It’s raining really hard outside,” he supplied, as if she didn’t know. He wiped his face with his hands as she hopped off her stool and came around the counter to him. She was only a third of his height.
“You’re coming with me to the back so we can get you dried off. You’ll catch a cold in those wet clothes,” she said, tugging on his sleeve.
“Ahjumma, I just want some coffee, please,” he said firmly. It was bad enough when his own mother babied him.
“Well, you can have some of that, too,” she consented, “Once you’re dried off and have had some soup in that belly.”
color:#7030A0">In Father’s car, desperately searching.
Jaejoong dialed Changmin’s home phone number, and brought the phone to his ear. He sifted through the faces under umbrellas on the street, through the river of water collecting on his windshield.
“Yoboseyo?”
“Yoboseyo! Mrs. Shim, it’s Jaejoong,” he said, stopping at a red light.
“Oh, Jaejoong! How are you,” her kind voice floated through the phone. He’d always admired Changmin’s mother for her sturdy character as a woman and a mother. Changmin always balked at this.
“I’m good. I just wanted to let you know that Changmin and I went out together for something to eat, and that he’d be out past his curfew,” he said, spreading silk over a situation she was probably unaware of.
“That’s fine, Jaejoong, as long as he’s with you,” she replied. He could hear the favoritism in her voice, and felt terrible, considering the true situation. The light turned green, and he skidded through water to get to the next, eyes on the people around him.
“I was also wondering, Mrs. Shim, if Changmin could spend the night at my house tonight? We uhm, started a project this afternoon that we’d like to finish.” He bit his lip at his continuing lies, hoping someone would forgive him for lying to his best friend’s mother.
Best friend…well, Changmin was a little more than that at the moment.
“Does Changmin have a change of clothes,” she asked, voice changing from sweet and biased to concerned and powerful. Perhaps this was what Changmin always loathed about her?
“He can borrow some of mine,” he hastily answered, trying to end their conversation so he could devote all of his attention to looking.
“Changmin is much taller than you now, in case you’ve forgotten, Jaejoong,” Mrs. Shim chided, “I’ll just drop off some of his clothes at your house on my way to work.”
“That sounds…fine, Mrs. Shim,” Jaejoong sighed, becoming frustrated. “Well, we’re at the restaurant now, so we’d better go. I’ll send Changmin home before noon tomorrow.”
“That sounds fine. Good night, Jaejoong, and thank you for calling,” she replied, voice filled with motherly affection.
“Good night, Mrs. Shim.” Jaejoong slammed the phone shut and threw it across the car to the opposite window. He glanced at the clock, and noted that he’d been searching for an hour.
Unless I find him soon, he won’t be coming home tomorrow.
color:#7030A0">At Café Puccino’s.
Changmin pulled the quilt tighter around his arms. Even though the generous Ahjumma had made him a bowl of steaming soup, and given him seconds when he asked for it, he was still freezing.
She brought the space heater closer to his shivering form, and pulled a wool hat over his ears.
“Now,” she said, settling herself in a rickety wooden chair opposite him, “Why in the world did you walk around in the rain and let yourself get soaked to the bone?”
Changmin sighed heavily, teeth chattering in his skull. Ahjumma was more perceptive than he thought. Or maybe he just looked that shitty. He sighed again. What did he have to lose in telling her?
“I was running away,” he said. He looked up and saw that she was nodding her head in understanding.
“What was it you were running from?”
“A…lover,” he supplied, “they were with another man, and…and I walked in on them,” he choked out. He abhored that he couldn’t stop the pain from welling up behind his eyes, and clouding his vision.
“Ah,” the Ahjumma hummed, “People go their separate ways when they’re your age. They grow up, grow apart, and move on.”
“You don’t understand,” Changmin sobbed, tears clogging his throat, “Jaejoong-ah was the only one who…who saw me…way back in middle school, w-when I was in-nvisible. We’ve be-en together e-ever since th-then.” He couldn’t prevent his voice from shaking, and he couldn’t prevent the slip of his name, but he didn’t feel condemnation when the Ahjumma wrapped him in a warm embrace, rocking him back and forth, soothing him. “And n-now he’s w-with…another m-man. Our science teacher, n-no less. I’ll bet h-he didn’t even g-get up when I r-ran out.”
“Hush now, child. Everything will be all right in the end,” she soothed, whispering into the wool of his hat.
“I don’t th-think it w-will,” Changmin said, tucking his face into his knees, wiping his tears on the blanket.
“Trust an old ahjumma in this,” she said softly, “this pain will pass. It may be a while, but it’ll pass.”
Changmin gave up, and succumbed to the warmth of the blanket and the ahjumma’s arms around him, finally feeling warm for the first time that night.
color:#7030A0">Still Searching.
An anguished tear rolled down Jaejoong’s cheek as he stopped on the side of the road, after three hours of searching for Changmin. All to no avail. It hadn’t been the first tear he shed that night. There was one moment, an hour and a half ago, when he couldn’t see at all, between the pelting rain and his tears. He didn’t dare pull over, though, because Changmin could, by all means, have been around the very next corner. So he kept going. But now,…now it all felt like a big waste. He felt hopeless, because Changmin could be anywhere in the city of Seoul by now. All he’d done was check the north end.
Jaejoong punched the steering wheel in agitation. He felt stupid, and hurt, and all together helpless to find Changmin. He’d have to get the police involved if he couldn’t find him, and then Mrs. Shim would know he lied. And then he’d have to tell her the reason Changmin ran away.
Your son ran away because he walked in on me sleeping with our 10th grade science teacher. Yeah, remember HyunJoong-seansengnim? He’s a man. Changmin’s gay too, that’s why he ran.
Mrs. Shim would be heartbroken. His own parents would probably kick him out of the house. But none of that really mattered…because if Changmin continued to stay lost from him, he could die from the cold. A little voice whispered to him that it could already be too late.
Jaejoong wiped his eyes, and looked up. A neon sign glowed through the rain, a haze of red bouncing off the rain drops and making it seem bigger. Café Puccino’s. Maybe he should stop for a minute and get some coffee and something to eat. His stomach had been talking back to him, and his eyes felt heavy from more than the tears.
Giving in, but silently praying that Changmin would stay put wherever he was until he could find him, Jaejoong took the keys out fof the ignition and dashed through the rain to the front door. A chime jingled over his head as he entered, the scent of freshly brewed coffee reaching his nostrils. It made his insides suddenly warm over, and his stomach achingly beg for food.
A short woman, who looked as if she’d been crying [her eyes were red-rimmed, and her face was flushed], came rushing out of the back room.
“May I help you, sir,” she asked kindly. Jaejoong walked up to the counter, looking at all the pastries lined up in neat rows beneath the glass.
“I think I’d like two of those blueberry muffins, and a large black coffee to go, please,” he said, pointing to the enormous muffins in the display.
“Yes sir,” she said, and turned her back to him to walk into the back room. He looked up as she opened the door that lead into the back, connecting eyes with the person that sat on a bed roll splayed out in the middle of the floor, and his heart squeezed within his chest.
“Changmin,” he breathed, and rushed around to the other side of the counter.
“NO, Jaejoong! I don’t want to talk to you,” Changmin yelled, trying to get up from the bed. He ended up tripping over the quilt, and landing face-first onto the hardwood floor. Just then, the ahjumma stepped out from a side room, right into Jaejoong, and they both ended up sprawled on the floor.
“CHANGMIN, WAIT,” Jaejoong yelled, as Changmin unwrapped himself from the blankets and attempted to stand again.
“NOBODY MOVE!” Jaejoong and Changmin froze where they were, both in the throes of getting up off the floor. Jaejoong sat back down on his butt, making a loud echo. Changmin straightened up to his full height. They both looked at the tiny ahjumma who’s voice was much bigger than they expected.
“Now who in the world are you,” the ahjumma asked, pointing to Jaejoong.
“I’m this knuckle head’s friend, and I’ve been looking for him for more than three hours,” Jaejoong said, turning to Changmin, “You had me worried sick, you could have been dead!”
“Oh, really? It didn’t look like you cared about me one bit when I walked in on you and HyunJoong in the same bed,” Changmin shouted.
“WHAt are you talking about? Of cour-“
“SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU,” the ahjumma yelled over them. Changmin took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. Jaejoong simply breathed, heat gathering up behind his eyes again.
“Are you Jaejoong,” the ahjumma asked, pointing at ths sitting man.
“Yes, he is,” Changmin answered, anger laced in his voice.
“This is your lover,” she asked, still pointing at Jaejoong, but looking up at Changmin.
“He was my lover,” Changmin corrected her.
“Changmin-ah,” Jaejoong whispered, disbelief etched into every syllable.
“You don’t sleep with two men and expect them to be okay with it,” Changmin spat. “I was in love with you first, Jaejoong! I came to you with everything! I gave you everything!”
“I haven’t thrown it away, I promise,” Jaejoong said, getting up from his position on the floor, and rushing over to Changmin. He tried to grab his hands, but Changmin pushed him away.
“It didn’t look that way from the view I had from the door,” he retorted.
Jaejoong sighed. “Changmin, will you please hear me out?” He stared at Changmin’s back for a moment, and took his silence as a que to keep going.
“HyunJoong’s been hitting on me since the second semester of last year, and I figured that if I gave him…what he wanted…maybe he’d leave me alone, leave us alone. Because he knew about us, and he was going to tell everyone…”
“Does that justify sleeping with him?! Jaejoong, I don’t care if people know I’m gay,” he said, turning around to face Jaejoong, “I stopped caring what other people think when we were in middle school, and…and I met you.”
“Changmin, I…”
“Was stupid,” he finished for him, “If you’d given HyunJoong what he wanted, he would have kept coming back and blackmailing you, and it would have turned into this nasty vicious cycle that ended up breaking us apart anyways, so it wouldn’t even matter if we were together or not. He would just use you.”
“Changmin,…”
“Did you not even think this through, Jaejoong? Anyone could see the consequences of what you were doing…”
“I’m so sorry, Changmin,” Jaejoong whispered. Changmin stopped his flow of angry words to look at Jaejoong. It was the first time he’d ever seen Jaejoong so sincerely sorry. His head was downcast, tears rolling down his cheeks, shoulders slumped in uncharacteristic posture. His anger dissipated just as quickly as it had come the moment he saw him standing on the other side of the counter.
Changmin reached out, and grasped Jaejoong’s hand in his own. Jaejoong looked up at him through teary eyes.
“I’m…sorry for thinking that…I could be the only man to keep your attention,” Changmin admitted. Jaejoong stepped closer, rubbing a hand across Changmin’s cheek.
“It’s not like that at all, I promise,” Jaejoong whispered, “I don’t even like HyunJoong.”
Changmin leaned forward, resting his forehead on Jaejoong’s. “But I won’t have you forever, will I? There’ll be someone who comes along, who’s more handsome, better in bed…” Jaejoong silenced Changmin by pressing his thumb over his lips.
Those mismatched lips that were plump in all the wrong places…the one’s he’d fallen in love with.
“As long as you want me, I’m yours, Changmin,” he answered, “and probably for longer than that, because I love you. I was only trying to keep you from getting hurt.”
“Don’t try to not hurt me from now on,” Changmin said. Jaejoong chuckled.
“I wish my husband would talk to me that way!”
Jaejoong and Changmin turned, laughing, at the kind ahjumma, who was dabbing at her eyes with the corner of her apron.
color:#7030A0">Back at headquarters.
It’d stopped raining by the time they got back to Jaejoong’s house. Changmin remembers the way Jaejoong held his hand the entire car ride, his thumb circling over Changmin’s knuckle in slow circles.
“I told your mom that you’d be spending the night here,” Jaejoong said over his shoulder as they walked in the front door. He pointed to a bag on the floor, next to the hall table. “She dropped some clothes off for you.”
He inhaled in surprise when he felt arms wrap around his waist, a tall, warm body pressing against his back. “Do you think we’ll need clothes?”
Jaejoong laughed, his back moving against Changmin’s chest. “Not if you don’t want clothes.” He turned around, Changmin’s arms still around him, to face his lover. “I hate how I have to look up at you now.”
Changmin chuckled, rubbing their noses together. “Get used to it. I’m supposed to have another growth spurt.” Jaejoong groaned, but gladly accepted the lips that were pressed to his a second later. He could feel them both smiling.
Changmin pushed his hips, guiding him to the living room, but Jaejoong stopped him. “My room,” he muttered against Changmin’s lips. Changmin pulled away and turned around, Jae’s hand in his own, and lead him up the stairs, and down the hall - to the last door on the left. As soon as the door was closed and securely locked, Jaejoong pulled Changmin to the bed by his belt loops.
“Unbutton it,” Jaejoong said, tugging at his pants again. Changmin obeyed, and had barely gotten them unzipped when Jae was roughly pulling them down to his ankles.
“I still can’t believe you don’t wear underwear,” he laughed, lips and warm breath tracing his hip.
“It’s not my style,” he replied, smoothing Jaejoong’s long hair out of his eyes, memorizing his form as he sat on the edge of the bed.
“You just want to make it easy for me,” Jae purred, lips dangerously close to Min’s sanity. He grunted in response and tugged on Jaejoong’s hair. Jaejoong laughed, and then swallowed him whole.
His hand gripped Jaejoong’s hair tighter, moving back and forth with his head as he licked and teased, bringing Changmin to a peak quickly. It’s been too long, Changmin thought. When jaejoong went deep again, to the hilt, Changmin groaned. He felt his knees becoming jello, and his stomach muscles tightened when Jae pursed his lips around him and pulled away. Jae swallowed everything when he came, licking his lips in that seductive way he had the first time.
Jae pulled Changmin down to him on the bed, moving back at the same time so the could lay down. Laying from corner to corner, so Changmin’s feet wouldn’t hang off the bed, they collapsed onto each other and hungrily delved into each other’s mouths. Changmin reached down between them, and ran his fingers down Jaejoong’s erection. He moaned loud into his mouth, pulling away from his lips slightly, before returning with renewed fervor. As Changmin quickened his hand, Jaejoong’s kisses became sloppier and less concentrated. He finally pulled away all together, allowing Changmin full control of him.
Taking hold of his balls, Changmin kissed his way down Jaejoong’s chest, licking and kneading at the same time. His own erection grew again when Jae continued to moan like that: deep, long, and sincerely. He finally reached Jae’s erection, and wrapped his lips around the tip, moving his tongue over the slit.
“Oh my GOD, Changmin,” Jae moaned. He let his lips slip halfway down, and lightly grazed his teeth along the sides when he traveled back up. Jaejoong’s hips bucked beneath him. He laughed a little, and continued to run just his tongue down the underside. He let his hand drop from Jae, and began stroking himself in time with his mouth. When Jae’s moans increased to yells, Changmin quickened his pace, and swallowed him whole again. Jae buried his hands deep in Changmin’s hair, and thrust up towards him once, coming in his mouth at the same time Changmin released all over the carpet.
Changmin layed on top of Jaejoong again, cum still in his mouth, and kissed him. When they broke apart, Jaejoong swallowed, slightly short of breath.
“Why didn’t you swallow,” he asked.
“I don’t like it. Too salty,” Changmin said, scrunching his nose. Jaejoong laughed very loud at this.
Changmin rolled off of Jaejoong. “Flip over, Jae,” he said. Jaejoong looked up at Changmin, eyebrows disappearing beneath his tousled hair.
“When did you become so experienced,” he asked, a smile tugging at his lips. Changmin smiled in return, eyes mismatched.
“You underestimate the value of online instructional courses,” he replied, in his most professional voice. Jaejoong laughed again, covering his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Aww, my Changminnie is all grown up,” he cooed, running a hand down his thigh affectionately.
“Flip over, Jae,” he said, voice lower with command. Jaejoong squeeked, biting back a smile, and turned over on all fours for Changmin.
Jaejoong turned his head back to look at Changmin, and put on his most innocent face. “Be gentle with me, Changminnie,” he said, waving his cheeks at Changmin. Changmin gabbed his hips roughly, and without even preparing him, entered him and shoved clear up to his hilt.
“UGH…CHANGMIN,” Jaejoong yelled, burying his face into the sheets. Changmin began to thrust, going deep every time into Jaejoong’s ultra-tight heat. The clap of skin against skin was like music to Changmin’s ears after everything that had happened. He closed his eyes, and listened to Jae’s grunts, which turned to whimpers, turning to moans, and then yells. He ran a hand down Jae’s slickened back, fingers catching in the dips and curves of his spinal chord, as he came nearer to reaching his peak. Jaejoong’s face, half buried in sheets gathered to his hands and face, was crimson and shining with perspiration.
“I’m so close, Jae…”
“Keep going, baby,” Jae half-yelled, a moan tagged on the end of his sentence. Changmin straightened back up, thrusting his hips into Jaejoong a couple more times, before they came together with shared yells, limbs tangling as they fell.
Changmin, who’d fallen on top of Jaejoong, ran his fingers down Jaejoong’s sweaty sides. Jae shivered from the tickle, and breathed deep of Changmin’s breath. Changmin kissed Jaejoong’s shoulder blade, and slipped out of him, coming to rest on Jae’s right. Jae pulled his face to his chest, kissing the top of his head, burying his nose in the sweaty locks. Changmin wrapped his arms around Jaejoong’s waist, entertwining their legs to pull himself closer.
“You know,” Jaejoong began after a moment of silence, when their breathing had evened out, “You came three times again.” Changmin moved his head to look at Jae’s face. His eyebrows were crooked, and Jae felt his heart spasm with attraction.
“Did I?”
“Oh, you know you remember every moment of our first time,” Jae chided, smiling. Changmin chewed his lip for a moment, and smiled, too.
“Do I?” Jaejoong laughed, and pulled Changmin close to his heart again, running his fingers up and down his back.
“I love you, Changmin,” he whispered, voice raspy. Changmin snuggled closer to him, pulling their hips together, and kissed the ‘v’ of his neck.
That was the summer before 11th grade year.
