That Would Be Enough (Chapter Nine)
Title: That Would Be Enough
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing: Ed/Winry, Ed/Roy
Warnings: Emotional Cheating, Ed is an idiot
Summary: Ed made choices. He made mistakes. They all had to live with them. Ed proposes to Winry on the train platform, but was it the right choice and for the right reasons? With a serial killer on the loose and Ed the next target, he had no choice but to look for the truth in his own heart.
1926
Dear Roy,
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate traveling through the desert? Do not ever send me to Xing. I make a lousy diplomat at the best of times and Ling laughed for a straight ten minutes when he saw my face. It’s a good thing he’d snuck away from the guards because I don’t think they’d like the way I kept threatening to punch him in the face.
He deserved it. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. This is the man that Greed was a good influence on.
Thankfully by the time we got to the Imperial City, Ling had disappeared and when I arrived the Emperor greeted me. I have no official reason to be here, but the Emperor made a big deal of me being the Fullmetal Alchemist and his retinue seemed to cheer up after that.
The palace is pretty cool. I like the buildings. We need more like them in Central. Don’t blame me if they start showing up randomly.
I wish I’d been here with you when you came last year. It would have been nice to experience this with you. Maybe someday we’ll manage to make the journey together?
I’m pretty sure the bed in the room Ling put me in could fit 20 people. No wonder Greed was willing to hitch a ride in a Xingese Prince. What exactly does he think I plan to do while I’m here? Exactly what did you tell him about me when the two of you were getting all buddy-buddy?
I had a lot of time to think while I was traveling here and I still don’t know what I’m going to do. Ling mentioned that Lan Fan might be willing to train me in their way of fighting. It would kill some time, anyway. I might even get back and finally be able to beat Al in a fight!
I think I’ll just start with some sightseeing. I’ve always traveled for work or research, never just to be on the road. Maybe I’ll see what Xing is all about. Maybe just taking some time will help me deal with all this. It sounds so stupid when I write about it. Of all the terrible things that have happened in my life, the thing I can’t handle without a breakdown is being in love or being married. It’s a bit pathetic. Honestly, after chimera and madmen and Scar and Father and all the other nasty things we’ve chased down over the years, it’s a bit humiliating to be floundering because of my heart.
Especially when I knew what I wanted all along and screwed it up. Especially when Winry was strong enough to do the right thing when I wasn’t.
Maybe that’s what I need to focus on. I’ve never stopped myself from a fight in all my life, so why was this any different? Why didn’t I fight? And how can you ever forgive me for not being able to let you go when I’d been such a coward?
Sorry, this is where my brain goes sometimes. I can’t sleep tonight. Nice big bed, too empty, and too many nightmares creeping around the dark corners.
I know you’re probably still plotting world domination in my absence, but try to be safe. You’re supposed to be making Amestris a place to come home to and I can’t do that if you aren’t there.
The mail takes forever here, so write as soon as you can. If I go traveling off anywhere, I’ll have Ling send it along.
Please know, that through all of this, I am still yours. And I have never meant the words more when I said I love you.
Love,
Ed
1926
My Dearest Edward,
I’m glad you made the journey to Xing safely. I remember having to spend a week bathing just to get all the sand out of the wrong places but it was still a worthwhile journey. I do enjoy the architecture of Xing quite a bit. With the new treaty signed, the Fuhrer is speaking of setting up a Xingese Embassy here, much like the Ishvalan Embassy. If that comes to pass, the Emperor has assured me that the best architects will be at our disposal to make sure we do their culture justice.
I wish you had been there as well. While my time in Xing was well spent and I did make a new friend, it would have been nice to have your company. You’ll enjoy the street markets and I’m certain you’ll pick up the language better than any of us did. I suppose I can admit now that I missed you terribly when I was in Xing. Ling kept creeping into my rooms at night and he seemed to have a fondness for watching me reread your letters.
I never meant to let him know of my feelings for you, but for a man who had his own reasons for being separated from the one he loved, he understood all too well. He was, surprisingly, good company for a man that would have preferred to mope around wishing you were there.
Be careful though. He likes to sneak in the windows when you least expect it. Like when you are reading a loved ones letter for the fifth time.
Ed, you aren’t a coward and you have never been. Our relationship has always been complicated, and made even more so by the circumstances surrounding us. I never questioned why you chose Winry that day. No matter how things turned out, the two of you have always balanced each other. I’m sure you will once again, when you leave Xing and move forward with your life. You have spent years battling demons that most people would have just given in to. Take the time and rest, Ed. Be well. Find your strength again and know that you are always in my thoughts.
I wish I could be there, if nothing else, than to hold you and keep the nightmares at bay. I would do anything to protect you from them, but I fear my words will do no good. I’m too familiar with nightmares myself. I still see sand and blood and flame too often in my dreams. I see the faces of the people who have fought for me, fought with me, turned to ash. But even admitting it, to you, seems to make the specter seem less daunting. What fills your nightmares? And what do you dream of, Fullmetal, when the nights are pleasant?
I am having lunch with Alphonse tomorrow and I will send his love, as I know he will ask it. I have spoken with Winry twice since her journey to Rush Valley. If you don’t want to hear of it in the future, let me know and I will refrain, but I thought you would want news. She seems to be doing well. Paninya is as faithful a companion as always. You might not have liked her, Ed, but she has been good to Winry. She has opened a temporary shop in the valley to do repair work for her clients and anyone that might need help. It has been very well received and though she hasn’t said it, I believe she may be thinking of a permanent move there. I believe it is only Pinako that keeps her from it.
I will close for now. The evening is lengthening and though it is empty, my bed calls to me. Though I had long ago given up hope of finding you in it, I find it easier to sleep with the memory of the one night. And I find that I can hope, once again, of finding you at my doorstep, letting you into my home, and into my arms.
I love you, Edward Elric. As the beach waits eternally for the kiss of the ever moving tide, so I wait for you to return home. To me.
Love,
Roy
“He really is gone on you.”
Ed jumped out of his seat and spun around, glaring at the man that was standing just behind the chair he’d been sitting in.
“Ling! What the hell are you doing?”
He saw Lan Fan in the shadows of the balcony and let out a deep breath. Well, Roy had warned him, hadn’t he? Ed would have to take better precautions in the future.
“Stopping by to see an old friend. Should I have made an announcement?”
“Don’t creep up on me like that!”
“I only wanted to see what held your attention so enrapt,” the Emperor of Xing said with a smile. Ed didn’t like that smile. It was … softer than it should be.
“What are you looking at me like that for?”
“I hoped you’d open up to me about your reason for coming to Xing but you are extremely good at avoiding the topic. It seems I may have found the reason now.”
“Ling-”
“And I approve.”
“What?”
“As Emperor I don’t get to have friends, Ed. General Mustang understood that and when I found time to visit, we seemed to be of similar mind on many things. Funny how I never look to find friends in Amestris, but I seem to pick most of them up there.”
“Yeah, well Mustang has that effect on people.”
“From the words of that letter, he seems to have had that effect on you.”
“Ling, don’t.”
“Don’t what, Ed? You have been rereading that letter every night since it arrived two weeks ago and my servants told me how you shut yourself in when it arrived until you had written a response.”
“Have you been spying on me?”
“What sort of friend would I be if I didn’t?” Ling asked. “If it is any consolation, he did the same when he was here. He always had one of your letters in his pocket and I would see him out in the gardens during breaks, reading them. Or he’d be here in his rooms, reading them at night when I’d sneak in to talk.”
Ed closed his eyes because he didn’t want to talk about it, but there really was no one else he could talk to about it. All his other friends were too invested in whatever happened. Ling would tell him what he thought, without worrying about hurting anyone else.
“I don’t know if that’s romantic or pathetic,” Ed said with a small laugh.
“A bit of both, I suppose,” Ling said as he took a seat on the couch across from Ed. Ed sat back down and didn’t bother putting the letter away. “Love makes fools of us all.”
“Why did you come to Xing, Ed?” Ling asked after a moment’s silence. “He loves you and he’s finally admitted it to you, so something must have happened.”
“Winry found out.”
“What?”
“She found out that I’d been in love with him for years. In the worst possible way.” He explained the alchemic serial killer and Winry’s abduction. He told him how Ed had gone to save her and Roy had come to save them both. He told him about the letter he’d never intended to send.
“Oh Ed, you do love to complicate things. He knows you love him and you know he loves you. What are you doing in Xing?”
“Why didn’t I fight for him, Ling?” Ed asked. “When I stood on the platform and proposed to Winry? That weekend there had been so many moments with Roy, so many chances for something to happen and one of us pulled away each time. It was complicated between us, yes, but that’s never stopped me from anything in my life. So why, when I had almost kissed him, did I turn around and propose to Winry? You know the funny thing? Her reaction to it, I thought she passed it off as me just being an idiot. It wasn’t until I called her a few months later and she was talking about wedding plans that I realized she hadn’t. And then… I still didn’t say anything. I just got this sinking feeling in my gut and let her set a date.”
He looked at the letter in his hands, at the last line, and let out a deep breath. “If I loved him the way I should, why did I let all of this happen?”
“I don’t know,” Ling answered. “Why did you propose to Winry?”
“I don’t … know. She was there!” Ed said as he got up and stalked across the room. “Roy was such an enigma. I didn’t know what he was thinking or feeling but there was this tension, this spark between us and it felt like it was going to explode but he’s going to be Fuhrer and I’m just a military dog whose too young and the wrong sex and who likes to cause trouble and can never help him become who he wants to be.
And Winry was right there and I knew I could make her happy. And she could make me happy because she would never ask me to settle down in one place or make me give up what I loved to stay with her in Resembool. And I loved them both but what if I did reach for Roy? What if this was just one sided and he was just flirting and nothing came of it and I was …” he let out a shaky breath. “Even back then, I knew I couldn’t take that rejection. I loved him too much already.”
“So you rejected him instead.”
“No, I just never gave it a chance to happen.”
“What changed, Ed? How did someone so full of life, become afraid of it?”
Ed looked back at Ling and felt his energy drain away. “The gate.”
“What?”
“When I got Al’s body back on the Promised Day, the Truth took my arm as payment.”
“Yes.”
“No one ever asked how that was equivalent exchange. I gave my arm to bind his soul to a suit of armor when I was 11. How was that same arm the equivalent price to bring him, body and soul, back?”
“When you put it like that, it doesn’t make any sense. But I’m not an alchemist.”
“And there are only 3 other alchemists alive that would question it because no one else has seen the Truth. Only one has ever questioned it, though I see the question sometimes in Roy and Izumi’s eyes.”
“What did it take?”
“I thought I had it figured out. I was going to give away my gate. My ability to do alchemy.”
“Ed?”
“I was ready. If it meant getting Al back, I was willing to pay that price. The Truth didn’t like that at all though. The Truth is a lonely asshole that decided so long as I was still an alchemist I would always come back to it to sell something of myself.”
“So what was the price to save your brother?”
“I didn’t know. I heard something as the gate pulled me away, a whisper. Now the man who wants to protect everyone's dreams can't protect himself from his own. It didn’t mean anything to me. My only dream had been to get Al’s body back and when I opened my eyes, he was there. It took some time to realize.”
“Nightmares,” Ling answered before Ed had to. “The Truth took your ability to dream peacefully. Every night you have nightmares.”
“You knew?”
“There are guards outside your door to make sure no one disturbs you. Did you think they wouldn’t hear and tell me?”
Ed snorted at that. “Spying on me all the time.”
Ling smiled at that. “You’re my friend, Ed. I am concerned about you.”
“You ran one of those tests Al learned about.”
“Yes. My people are rather subtle about it and I had them do it while you were engaged in your food at dinner when you first arrived. They say there is a heavy weight on your soul Ed. I thought it was about the General, but seeing his letter to you, I think perhaps that was not the weight I thought it was.”
“You’d think, wouldn’t you? But no. No matter how bad things felt, the Bastard was the only thing that kept me going some days. You know the only nights I haven’t had a nightmare are when I was sleeping under his roof?”
Ling gave him a smirk and Ed rolled his eyes.
“Al and I lived with him for a month when we were trying to find a place in Central.”
“Maybe it was your brother’s proximity.”
“I made myself believe that for a long time. After all, once Al had his body back he and I didn’t share a room anymore, except at Roy’s. But…”
“But…”
“There was one night. It was just the two of us and I didn’t have nightmares that night either.”
“I wouldn’t have thought the General would take advantage of Winry’s trust,” Ling said with a frown.
Ed let out a bitter laugh. “You too? I guess everyone knew what a rotten husband I was the whole time.” Ling looked at him with a question in his eyes and Ed answered. “It’s always the General that wouldn’t, never me. I wouldn’t admit it to Winry, but you’re all right. That one night… I would have. Roy wouldn’t though. I was lost and it’s not what I went there for but I spent the night and I didn’t have a single nightmare.”
It was quiet between them for a few minutes before Ling got up from his seat. He moved towards the balcony where Lan Fan waited.
“Perhaps Ed, this Truth wasn’t trying to torment you. Perhaps he just saw another lonely asshole and wanted to help. Maybe the reason you sleep so well with the General watching over you, is that he always has. Maybe, the Truth wanted to show you that there was already someone who protected your dreams as ardently as you did.”
He left out the balcony before Ed could respond. He wasn’t sure what to say to that anyway.
The next morning Ed was a disaster to look at, but it wasn’t nightmares that had kept him up all night. Ed had been stuck so deep in his thoughts of his nightmares and the repercussions of Ling’s words that he hadn’t noticed the passage of time.
1927
Dear Bastard,
I can only be sappy so long before reality comes back. Is it weird to say that I miss you? I don’t actually know what’s appropriate to put in these letters anymore. I was always so careful before not to say what I really wanted to.
I guess I should be honest, right? You might not have been meant to read that letter I wrote, but it was the most honest I have ever been with anyone, including myself. So yeah. I miss you.
And I feel guilty about it. Winry kicked me out and while I feel sorry that I’ve messed her life up so much, I’m actually relieved that this part of my life is over. I called and spoke with her last week, and it was weird but good. I think she’s trying to convince Pinako to move to Rush Valley with her. The old bat has a pretty strong name in the automail world and she’d have plenty to keep her busy if she moved. I don’t know if it will happen or not, but Winry can be pretty determined when she sets her mind to something.
I had a talk with Ling the other night. I should have taken better precautions. He came in the window and was reading your letter over my shoulder. It was good to talk to someone who understood but wasn’t, you know, the love of my life, or something.
He asked why I proposed to Winry, and for the first time I really looked for an answer and I found it. But to explain it, I need to explain something else. You’ve never asked and I’ve been grateful but I think you need to understand. Because Ling might be right (don’t tell him I said that).
I have had nightmares every night since the Promised Day. It’s not surprising I guess. I had nightmares a lot before then. I used to dream of the day we tried to bring Mom back, I dreamed of losing Al for good. I dreamed of him growing old and dying in a suit of armor. I dreamed of losing Winry and Granny and losing my other arm and leg to tie them to other things too. I dreamed of losing you and I had nothing left to give, so I gave my heart and I was empty and felt nothing but you were alive. And you hated me for it.
I dreamed of Nina and Maes and how I caused their deaths, of how I should have tried to stop them and didn’t. I dreamed of Liore and the people I didn’t kill but who died anyways because I interfered. After the Promised Day, I added dreams of Father, over and over again, killing the people I loved to make a better Philosopher’s Stone. I watched you die over and over again, without sight but fighting against Father anyway.
It wasn’t most nights, or a lot of nights. It was every night. That was the price I paid to get Al’s body back. The Truth gave me Al, but it took my dreams. I’m worn down and tired and I try not to let it show, but it’s been years and it’s been eating at me all along. I survived but I paid for it.
When I proposed to Winry I knew that she and I could make a life together. I knew that I could make her happy and that I could find a way to be happy with my life. And I have been. I just never counted on how much what made me happy was being close to you. What I feared, when I proposed, was what it would mean if I admitted how I felt about you, and you rejected me. It wasn’t just a broken heart that I was afraid of, though that would suck. What I thought was between us, that was the light that helped me push through the dark of the nightmares. They clouded my thoughts but you reshaped the way I saw everything and made me stand stronger than I was. I feared losing that light in my life and where the darker path of my thoughts would take me.
The Truth took my dreams, but Ling thinks it was something else entirely. Ling believes the Truth was trying to help me. I offered my gate in exchange for Al’s body but what the Truth took was entirely different. The only time, since the Promised Day, that I have slept without nightmares is in your house, and in your arms. Ling says it’s because you have always protected me and that the Truth wanted me to see that.
Even though it took your sight on the Promised Day, I guess I was the one that was really blind. Because I think Ling is right.
Now see, the sap is back. That’s what love does to me. I already know you’re a sap so I guess it will be alright. We can sit on the couch by the fire and be sappy together, right? I
think I’m going to call it a night now. I know nightmares are waiting for me, but I have plans for tomorrow and I think it’s going to be a busy few days. I have some things to take care of and with each word I write, I know what I need to do.
I love you. I will always love you.
Yours,
Ed
“This is ridiculous.”
“I agree, Sir.”
Roy stared at Hawkeye but her glares were far worse than his so it had no effect.
“Perhaps it’s time to just give up and go home.”
Roy sighed. He didn’t want to admit how empty his house felt these days. Funny because he’d never had anyone living with him, other than the one month with the Elric Brothers years ago, but with Ed in Xing it felt too quiet. The fires weren’t quite warm enough or bright enough. His bed was the only place that comforted and even then it was with an added bit of imagination on his own. God knew the things he thought about had never happened in that bed.
“I can’t just take off because I’m having a hard time concentration.”
“Sir, everyone else went home hours ago.”
“Why are you still here then?”
“I’m worried about you.”
“Hawkeye, I’m fine.”
“Sir. Roy. Go home. I insist.”
He took a deep breath and realized that she had her coat over her arm and was ready to leave. And the fact that it took him so long to realize that meant he was useless.
“Alright. I suppose tomorrow can’t be any worse.”
“Sir, if it is, I will shoot you.”
He smiled at her and she returned the gesture as she waited for him to clear his desk and get his things together. It only took a few minutes and they were outside the gates. They continued to walk in silence until they came to a parting of ways.
“Sir, try to get some sleep tonight.”
“I will.”
“He’ll write soon enough. Or call.”
“It’s been two months.”
“Then it won’t be long. Ed never could keep the silence from you this long.”
“Do you think I’m an idiot, Riza? This thing with Ed…”
“If I did I would have shot you instead of dealing with your moping for the last 7 months since he left for Xing.”
He chuckled at that and she smiled. “I think, when Ed comes back, he’ll be good for you. Now, go home and get some sleep. I need you productive tomorrow.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
He felt better as he continued his walk home. The air was brisk and cool and summer had taken a sharp down turn towards the colder end of the season. Roy wondered if Ed would winter in Xing or try to make it back to Amestris before the cold hit.
He sighed but couldn’t turn his thoughts from the young man. Roy had written one more letter to Ed in Xing but he’d never gotten a response. After Ed’s honest confession about his nightmares, Roy had felt it necessary to write his own confession. He had been given Ed’s most private feelings and Roy had returned the sentiment with his own.
And gotten no word in return. Not a phone call. Not a letter. Not even Ling would tell him anything about Ed. That was rather worrisome because it meant they were up to no good, the two of them.
He arrived home and set his coat on the hook, then went up to his bedroom to change into something more comfortable. When he was done, he went down to the front room and snapped the fire into flames and went to pour himself a drink.
He’d barely taken a seat in front of the fire when a knock sounded at the door. He sighed. He wasn’t exactly presentable to the public, but if someone was knocking at his door at this hour, they would have to wait if he needed to leave.
He opened the door and stared for a moment before the man in front of him took a step closer. Roy stepped back unintentionally and the other man smirked as he continued to move closer.
“Are you going to invite me in?” Roy felt his breath catch but he was past the shock now and he smiled. “No, Ed. I’m not.”
“No?”
Roy reached out and cupped the younger man’s cheek. He pulled him close and leaned towards him. Ed had time to pull away if he wanted but he didn’t move away. In fact, he tilted his head slightly to the side. Roy closed the distance between them and brushed his lips against Ed’s. He felt Ed’s arms wrap around his waist and when he licked at the seam of Ed’s lips they parted beautifully for him. Ed groaned as he deepened the kiss and Roy slipped his free hand up into Ed’s hair at the base of his ponytail. He pulled him even closer, as if it would make the moment more real.
It was Ed who pulled back and Roy chased his lips for one more kiss before Ed managed to step back far enough to look at him.
“Ed?” he asked when the younger man stared at him.
“Welcome me home, Bastard.”
Roy let go of Ed and pushed the door closed behind them. When he pushed Ed back against it, he pressed another kiss to his lips and smiled as he looked down at the man he loved. Ed’s eyes were wide but there was so much love in them Roy couldn’t help himself. He leaned in again and Ed fisted a hand in his shirt to pull him down. The younger man was the aggressor this time and Roy let Ed explore his mouth as his hands roamed over his body. When Roy finally pulled back, Ed was watching, waiting for what he would do next.
Roy leaned closer, but he pressed a kiss to Ed’s temple and pulled the man he loved into his arms. He felt Ed relax into his body and he let out a deep sigh.
“Welcome home, Love.”
Ed looked up at him and smiled. “It’s good to be home. Love.”