Forever
Title: Forever
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing: Roy/Ed
Summary: There was no need to ask what this was, not with a floor vividly covered in flowers. There was no need to ask who; the flame lilies proclaimed the name of the man he loved better than Ed could.
Author's Note: Because I have recently found the phenomena of Hanahaki disease and there is just not enough of it. So I wrote some. And hey! New fandom!!! :P This is my first attempt at Fullmetal Alchemist, so I hope I got their voices right :P It's got me writing and plotting again and looking into my other fandoms to see what I need to update... so yeah for passion for writing coming back! Wohho!
Author's Note #2: For those of you that don't know, or missed my last post, hanahaki's disease is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one sided love It ends when the beloved returns their feelings or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear.
Author's Note #3: There is now a sequel! Love of My Life
Well, he’d had a good run, right? A year and a half, he’d managed to keep going without anyone knowing he was sick. A year and a half and not a single person in an office of the most detail oriented people he’d ever known had suspected a thing.
He’d left exact instructions in case he passed out or became delirious. A letter to his brother Al, a demand that no one be called, and the forms filled out that would deny the surgery that could save him.
Edward Elric refused to be damned by cutting out the one thing that had saved him, that had given his life purpose once he’d gotten his brother’s body back.
All he could think as he hit his knees was, why now? One more day and he’d have been gone. His preparations were moot now.
He couldn’t move. He could barely breathe through the coughs that shook his body. He was on his hands and knees in the middle of the apartment living room where he had dropped when the fit began. With each cough a flower fell from his lips and decorated the floor around him. He couldn’t tell if they were bloody or not - the flowers were flame lilies and there was too much red to tell without further inspection - but the progression of the disease made him think there probably was.
“Ed!”
Al had stopped to lock the door when they came in so he had missed the violent way Ed had fallen to his knees. He didn’t ask what was wrong though, didn’t say anything as he dropped down beside Ed and grabbed his shoulders to help support him.
It was probably only two minutes before the fit passed but it felt like a lifetime. His throat felt shredded and his ribs ached from the cough. He wiped his hand across his mouth and let out a bitter laugh as a small lily clung to his hand. Definitely blood.
He held it delicately in his palm as he sat up. Al dragged him backwards a few feet until his back was against the couch for support.
“How long?”
There was no need to ask what this was, not with a floor vividly covered in flowers. There was no need to ask who; the flame lilies proclaimed the name of the man he loved better than Ed could.
“How long what, Al?”
“How long have you been hiding this from me?” Al asked.
His brother got up before Ed could answer and he closed his eyes and rested for a moment with his head tilted back against the couch. Something cool touched his forehead and he looked up to see Al handing him a glass of water.
He took a sip and waited as Al sat down beside him. He’d never intended to tell Al that he had Hanahaki Disease. It was rare, but unmistakable. He’d been able to control the cough, to keep it hidden until the very end. It had progressed so far now that there was little he could do. He had planned to take the train East in the morning on a mission for Mustang and he’d never intended to come back. He knew his time was short. He hadn’t wanted Al to have to live with this.
“Ed?”
“Give me a minute, okay Al? Just let me clean up and we’ll talk. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. Okay?”
His brother nodded and then helped Ed up off the floor. He walked him back to the bathroom and Ed took a deep breath. “I’m gonna hit the shower. My ribs hurt,” he admitted. It was true, but more than anything, Ed wanted some time to collect his thoughts. “Need to let the hot water do its magic.”
Al watched him with wide eyes, unshed tears making them look bigger than they were, deeper. “Alright, Brother. Take your time. Do you need help?”
“I’ll be fine, Al,” he said quietly. His throat hurt like hell. “Maybe some tea. There’s a packet, hidden behind Fritz’s Biological Alchemy in the study. It helps after a bad fit.”
Al left him then and Ed took in a deep breath, grateful that the cough had been strong enough to momentarily clear his airways. It wasn’t always. Some days he struggled for breath all day long. Other, like today, the flowers seemed to be plucked from their branches and left only the scratchy tendrils behind to diminish the air flow. The flowers would grow back quick enough though. The cough would return and Ed would be spitting flame lilies again.
He ran the water as hot as he could stand. His ribs ached from the past few days and while this had been his worst bout, it wasn’t the only bad fit he’d had recently. He stood under the warm water until it ran cold.
He walked to his room to get fresh clothes and heard his brother tinkering in the kitchen. Ed took his time dressing; instead of his usual clothes though he chose some loose sleeping pants and a tee shirt. Al wouldn’t mind him seeking comfort where he could get it. He didn’t bother to do anything more than dry his hair. It was too much of an effort to try to pull his hair back and he wasn’t above using it as a shield against his brother. He needed to find a way to keep his brother from realizing exactly how close he was to death. If Al realized how far gone he was then there was no way he’d allow him to get on the train in the morning. In fact, Ed had already started to work on a plan to sneak out because he wasn’t stupid enough to think his brother wouldn’t call Mustang about this.
Not that it would matter. Contrary to popular belief, confessing your love to the person you were coughing flowers over wouldn’t stop the disease. It wouldn’t even slow it down. He’d read some reports that indicated it might even speed it up. Ed had loved Mustang from afar for years. He had no need of confessions that could only be politely accepted but never returned. He had no need to see the pity in Roy’s eyes and feel his heart break even further.
The thought doubled him over again, the flowers racing up his throat as he fell to his knees again. Damn it! He’d gotten so damn good at not thinking about it. The image wouldn’t leave him though, of what would happen when Ed was gone. Roy would be hurt and Ed would be the cause. Roy couldn’t love him, but he cared for all his men and Ed would never deny that. For every bantered conversation, there was a quick phone call across the country to make sure that Ed had survived his latest mission without harm.
He dropped his head to the floor and wrapped his arms around his ribs where it hurt the most. Arms wrapped around him from behind and he let Al hold him tight as his body was wracked with cough. It wasn’t one at a time as it always had been before. Mouthfuls of flowers came up and he barely spat them out before more pressed against his lips. He couldn’t get enough air and his vision was going black.
“Don’t you fucking die on me, Fullmetal!” Ed was started by the voice in his ear, by the realization that it wasn’t Al holding him. “That’s an order, do you understand me! Don’t you die!”
Roy’s voice was harsh and thick, heavy with emotion and the surprise seemed to have stopped the attack. He gulped air down his lungs and the room spun as he tried to sit up. Mustang pulled him upright and Ed would fight the way he found himself pulled against his chest, but he didn’t have the energy.
He closed his eyes and relaxed where he was until he felt the spasms finally stop.
“Brother, your tea,” Al said gently.
Ed opened his eyes to see Al watching him. He held out the tea cup and Ed took it with shaking hands. He took a sip to see if it would stay down this time and he was relieved when it did.
“He said it sooths the cough,” Al spoke softly.
Ed felt Mustang’s hand in his hair, running down over his back and up again in a soothing gesture. He should get up, shouldn’t let himself get comfortable but he was too damn tired. He’d never had two fits so close together.
“Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?”
“I didn’t know,” Al confessed. “I called you after I saw his attack today but … General … I’ve never seen any symptoms and this is the late stages.” Al looked at him then and Ed wanted to look away, but he was curled up on himself, in the vee of Mustang’s body, pressed against his chest. Mustang’s legs were bent at the knee, bracketing Ed and one hand held him close around the waist while the other continued to stroke his hair. He didn’t deserve this, but he needed it. He’d never intended to tell either of them, but the choice was gone now and he would take what comfort he could.
“How long, Ed?” Al asked him again.
“A year and a half,” Ed said quietly. He sipped the tea and ignored the gasps from his brother and Mustang. The tea was warm and honeyed and it felt good against his ravaged throat so he closed his eyes and continued to drink as he waited for the next question.
The next words were full of tears and Ed clung to his cup as he listened to Al.
“When were you going to tell me?”
“I was going to East City tomorrow on a mission. I won’t ,” he took a deep breath because he’d never actually said it out loud. “I won’t make it another week. I was never coming back. There was a letter for you.”
“You idiot,” he heard the hoarse whisper against his temple and Ed curled closer into Mustang. The flowers were strewn all around him so Mustang knew the truth and he wasn’t disgusted. Lying in his arms, if just for a few minutes, was the most content he’d been in a long while.
“Don’t go getting emotional on me, Bastard,” Ed said softly. “If you do, then I will, and then I’ll just start coughing again.”
The arms around him pulled him tighter and Ed felt the warm drop of tears against his temple and it was too much. He shoved the teacup into Al’s hands as the cough came again. He tried to pull away from Mustang but he was too weak and Mustang pulled him closer into his chest. This was why he didn’t want Mustang to know. This is why he never confessed. He had no hopes that Mustang loved him. Ed was 14 years younger than him, his subordinate, and male. Mustang had a career that would end with the highest office in the land and Ed had a career as a military dog that enjoyed blowing things up a little too much so he could replace them with added - horrific- features to get a rise out of his commanding officer.
Roy didn’t deserve this guilt on top of everything else. It would kill him to know what his feelings were doing to Ed.
He was gasping for air but none was coming. His face was tilted up and he looked up at Mustang who looked wildly back at him. “Don’t you die, Fullmetal! You don’t get to tell me you love me so much you’re dying from it and not let me tell you how I feel about it.”
Ed tried to push away from his chest again but instead of being pulled to his chest, Mustang wrapped his fingers in Ed’s hair and pulled their lips together in a fierce kiss.
“I love you, Ed. Don’t you dare die on me!”
“You can’t just say that!” Ed yelled. “It doesn’t work that way.”
Mustang pressed his forehead to Ed’s but his hand didn’t leave his hair where he kept Ed where he was. “You think I don’t mean it?” Mustang demanded before he kissed Ed again.
He thought it was probably lack of oxygen to his brain that was causing the cough to stop, but then he realized it was the kiss that was taking his breath away and not the flowers.
He pulled back in surprise. He could feel it still, feel the flowers in his chest but the pressure had already eased up a little. Enough to breathe easier. Enough to look at Mustang and see the truth in his eyes.
“You…”
“You idiot! You were just going to run off and die and all you had to do was tell me!”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” He had his hands in Mustang’s shirt now, clenched around the fabric to keep him close. Not that Mustang seemed like he was going anywhere.
“Ed,” he whispered, his hand leaving Ed’s hair to cup his face and look him in the eyes. “I’m your commanding officer. I could never be the one to say something. If I had known you were sick … I would have anyway. You never told me. You …” he let out a shuddered breath. “I almost lost you.”
Ed buried his head in Mustang’s neck and then he felt another body pressed against his back. “We almost lost you,” Mustang whispered.
He felt tears on his face, on his temple, and the back of his neck and it was the safest he’d ever felt. He let out a soft breath and his body relaxed.
“Ed?” Mustang called his name delicately.
“I’m okay. I’m just … tired.”
“Brother?” There was a note of panic in his voice and Ed sighed.
“Al, I’m okay. I mean it. I feel … it’s still there but it’s not like it was.”
“But… it’s supposed to be gone.” Al demanded.
“It’s not magic, Al,” Ed said softly. His throat hurt like hell. He probably needed more tea, after three attacks in one day. “The pressure is going down but it will take a while to heal properly.”
“We should get you to the doctor,” Mustang said adamantly.
“Tomorrow. Please?” Ed asked. “I’m too tired. I just want…”
He didn’t say anything then and he pulled closer to Mustang again.
“What? Ed, tell me, please.”
“I just want to stay here.”
“On the ground, in the middle of a pile of bloody flowers?” Mustang teased.
The fact that there was a playful lilt in his voice meant he understood and Ed would be mortified at his clinginess if he didn’t need it so damn bad.
“With you,” he said softly.
“Would you like more tea, Brother?” Al asked as he finally pulled back.
“That would be great, Al,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Al, would you call Hawkeye and let her know I won’t be back today? Tell her I’ll fill her in tomorrow,” Mustang asked.
Al left and Ed was alone with Mustang. “Do you feel like you’re strong enough to stand up?”
“Yeah. Not sure I could get very far though,” he answered honestly. As much as he hated being weak, there was no hiding how bad it had been.
“Just to the bed,” Mustang said. Ed nodded and he pulled back slightly. He kept his eyes down and just concentrated on keeping upright. When Mustang got to his feet, he held his hand down for Ed. Ed took it and was pulled right back into Mustang’s chest as he led him to the bed. He watched as the blankets were pushed down and he crawled between the covers and let his head rest on the pillow. Mustang didn’t follow him immediately and Ed looked up to see Mustang walk to the other side of the bed. His jacket was already unbuttoned and thrown over the foot on his bed. Ed watched as Mustang undid his button up shirt and stripped it off. He dropped the shirt next to his jacket, then sat on the edge of Ed’s bed. He undid his boots and pushed his socks off before he slid out of his pants.
When he turned to look at Ed, he was dressed in his boxers and he smiled at Ed but his eyes were rimmed in red. Ed wanted to reach out to him but he didn’t have the strength. Mustang pulled the blankets back and slid in beside Ed and pulled him close until Ed’s head was resting on his chest. One hand stroked his hair again while the other settled on his back.
Ed looked up at Mustang and he thought he was allowed this one thing now. He reached up and gently ran his fingers over Mustang’s face before he cupped his cheek. The General’s eyes closed as he nuzzled into Ed’s hand.
When Mustang looked at him, he let out a deep breath. “I love you,” Ed finally admitted.
The laugh Mustang gave was broken, but his smile was warm and strong and sincere. “I love you too, Ed. I have for a long time,” he said as he pulled Ed close enough to kiss.
When Mustang pulled back, it was just far enough to let his head rest against Ed’s.
“Wish I had energy for more than that,” Ed said softly.
“We’ll get you better first, then you have plenty of time for whatever you have in mind.”
“Yeah?”
“I almost lost you today, Ed. I’m not taking that chance again.”
A knock at the door surprised him but then Al was back with the tea. Mustang moved up the bed and pulled Ed back up to prop him against his chest where he could drink easier.
“I can sit up on my own,” Ed said.
“Shut up, Ed,” Al said as he handed him the tea cup. “He can feel your breathing that way.”
“Am I that obvious?” Mustang asked, and Ed realized that Mustang’s hand was on his chest, just resting there. When he thought about it, he realized the whole time Mustang had been checking his breathing. So had Al when he’d pressed against Ed’s back.
Al smiled. “If you weren’t, I would.”
He felt the General go unnaturally still behind him.
“Al, if you … I can leave if you-”
“Oh no, I didn’t mean that,” Al said quickly. “In fact, I’ve heard that the cure works best if the two people, once they confess their feelings, are in close contact. It’s better for Brother if you stay close. I just … I meant I needed to know he’d breathing clearly. I know you’re keeping an eye on it.”
Ed sipped his tea and for the first time in six months he couldn’t even feel the roots that had started to grow up his throat. He let out a startled laugh and closed his eyes at the tears that threatened to spill out.
“Ed?” “Brother?”
“I’m okay,” he said softly. He looked at Al and gave his brother a smile. “I can feel it going away. Not just the way it would get a little better after a bad fit cleared the flowers out. I can feel the growth shrinking.”
“We’re still taking you to the doctor tomorrow,” Mustang said.
Ed wanted to protest but there was banging down the hallway and Al’s eyes widened. “I forgot to call the office!” he said as he ran out of the room.
“Who do you think came?”
“Who?” Mustang tilted Ed’s head up and back before he pressed a kiss to Ed’s forehead. “Al called me in a panic, Ed. I ran out of the office with a shout that I needed to get to you. I don’t have any idea what they think is happening, but it won’t be who. It will be how many. And my guess is that it will be all of them.”
He groaned and Mustang took the empty cup from him and set it on the bedside table. He pulled them back down the bed and wrapped him back in his arms.
“How bad is it gonna be?”
“They’ll be hurt you didn’t tell them. Angry that you almost threw your life away for no reason. But comparatively, it won’t be bad.”
“Comparatively?”
“What do you think Al is going to do when the doctor gives him the all clear?”
Ed cringed but didn’t have time for anything else before the doorway was filled with the people from the office. Havoc was the first in the door but he stopped when he saw the flowers littered all over the floor. Breda and Fuery were right behind him. Hawkeye came a moment later with Al beside her. No one moved and no one spoke.
“What the hell, Boss!” Havoc finally demanded.
“This is… how long did it take for this to happen?” Breda asked, pointing to the flame lilies on the floor.
“He had an attack when I got here. Another a few minutes after he’d calmed down from the first one.”
“This all happened today?” Breda asked for confirmation.
Ed knew it was bad. Breda was too smart not to understand exactly how bad it was. Breda’s older brother had died of Hanahaki Disease when he was a young man and he’d nursed him through it to the end.
“Second Lieutenant?” Hawkeye asked.
Breda’s eyes narrowed and Ed found himself at the end of Breda’s anger for the first time in his memory. They all knew Ed had been planning to leave for East in the morning. And in that moment Bread knew that Ed’s earlier good-bye tonight had been a final one.
And Hawkeye was asking just how bad the flowers really were.
“He said his good-bye today,” Breda said shortly. “This was the end.”
He felt Mustang’s arms tighten around him and Havoc started to open his mouth but Mustang cut them all off.
“Not tonight,” he said with authority. “Ed almost died and he’s still recovering. I’ll be taking him to the base doctor in the morning. You’re more than welcome to wait outside to get the doctor’s clean bill of health and then wait in line, behind me, until Alphonse gets done with his say.”
Ed could see Al’s furious nod and he buried his head in Mustang’s chest and groaned.
“We’ll see you in the morning then,” Hawkeye said calmly.
“She’s going to shoot me,” Ed said miserably.
“At least you’ll be close to medical supplies,” Al said without remorse.
There was a spattering of laughter and Havoc clapped a hand on Al’s shoulder. “I’m gonna bet you didn’t get anything to eat once this all started,” Havoc said as he pointed towards the flowers. “What do you say we all go out and grab some chow. You can practice your ‘Ed, you idiot’ speech on us.”
Al seemed torn but when he looked at Mustang, Ed felt the General nod his head. “Yeah,” Al said after a moment. “Good idea. I’ll bring something back for you guys.”
“Thank you,Al,” Mustang said softly.
It was more than food and Ed wasn’t sure what. Maybe letting them have some time alone? Ed was too tired to think clearly.
Al came closer then and pressed a kiss to his brother’s forehead. “Get some sleep, Brother. I’ll find something that won’t bother your throat too much.”
“You’re the best, Al.”
Al rolled his eyes but he left the room and closed the door behind him. He heard voices for a few minutes longer and then the front door closed.
“Alone?”
“I’m guessing Hawkeye left a soldier on the street in case of emergencies, but I think they’re all taking care of Al right now.”
“I owe them.”
“You do,” Mustang said as he moved down and turned onto his side. Ed did the same so he could look Mustang in the eye.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked. There was no accusation, and no anger. It would come later, but not tonight.
Ed knew that as tired as he was, Mustang was also. The others might have understood what was happened, but they hadn’t seen it. He was just glad Al was getting out before the images could cement into his brain and leave him with nightmares tonight.
“You’re not supposed to love me,” Ed answered. Mustang didn’t say anything and Ed kept going. “You’re supposed to find someone that can help you become Fuhrer and I can’t help you with that. All I’ll do is get in the way.”
“So you were going to die because you were worried about what public opinion would do to my reputation?”
“What? No. I just … that’s where your focus is. I didn’t think you’d even entertain the idea of … me. Us.”
Mustang closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to Ed’s. “Mustang,” he said softly.
“Roy. You were about to die, for love of me. I think you can use my first name.”
“Bastard,” Ed said instead. He smiled as he said it though and so did Mustang. He caressed the other man’s cheek. “Might take a while. It was… easier to try to keep it in check if I thought of you as Mustang. To think about you as the General and not… you know … as you. When I think about you, it got worse. In the beginning I slipped up a lot and nearly gave myself away. I found ways to think around it so I wouldn’t have a coughing fit at work.”
“You’re too smart for your own good, Ed.”
“It’s been said.”
Mustang… Roy … pulled him close again and Ed felt himself resting on his chest. Roy could feel his heartbeat against his own chest and with the hand against his back. If there was even a twitch, Roy would know. Ed buried his head in Roy’s neck and let out a tired sigh.
“Will you stay tonight?”
Roy kissed him tenderly but the chaste kiss deepened as Ed parted his lips. Their tongues tangled gently, slowly, teasingly. Roy’s hands gripped him harder and Ed knew he’d be bruised come morning. If Roy needed to hold him so tightly to know he was still there, he was happy to wear them.
When they parted, Roy only moved far enough way that his nose nudged up against Ed’s. “Tonight?” he asked. “Ed, my love, I’m going to stay forever.”
Continue to the sequel: Love of My Life
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing: Roy/Ed
Summary: There was no need to ask what this was, not with a floor vividly covered in flowers. There was no need to ask who; the flame lilies proclaimed the name of the man he loved better than Ed could.
Author's Note: Because I have recently found the phenomena of Hanahaki disease and there is just not enough of it. So I wrote some. And hey! New fandom!!! :P This is my first attempt at Fullmetal Alchemist, so I hope I got their voices right :P It's got me writing and plotting again and looking into my other fandoms to see what I need to update... so yeah for passion for writing coming back! Wohho!
Author's Note #2: For those of you that don't know, or missed my last post, hanahaki's disease is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one sided love It ends when the beloved returns their feelings or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear.
Author's Note #3: There is now a sequel! Love of My Life
Well, he’d had a good run, right? A year and a half, he’d managed to keep going without anyone knowing he was sick. A year and a half and not a single person in an office of the most detail oriented people he’d ever known had suspected a thing.
He’d left exact instructions in case he passed out or became delirious. A letter to his brother Al, a demand that no one be called, and the forms filled out that would deny the surgery that could save him.
Edward Elric refused to be damned by cutting out the one thing that had saved him, that had given his life purpose once he’d gotten his brother’s body back.
All he could think as he hit his knees was, why now? One more day and he’d have been gone. His preparations were moot now.
He couldn’t move. He could barely breathe through the coughs that shook his body. He was on his hands and knees in the middle of the apartment living room where he had dropped when the fit began. With each cough a flower fell from his lips and decorated the floor around him. He couldn’t tell if they were bloody or not - the flowers were flame lilies and there was too much red to tell without further inspection - but the progression of the disease made him think there probably was.
“Ed!”
Al had stopped to lock the door when they came in so he had missed the violent way Ed had fallen to his knees. He didn’t ask what was wrong though, didn’t say anything as he dropped down beside Ed and grabbed his shoulders to help support him.
It was probably only two minutes before the fit passed but it felt like a lifetime. His throat felt shredded and his ribs ached from the cough. He wiped his hand across his mouth and let out a bitter laugh as a small lily clung to his hand. Definitely blood.
He held it delicately in his palm as he sat up. Al dragged him backwards a few feet until his back was against the couch for support.
“How long?”
There was no need to ask what this was, not with a floor vividly covered in flowers. There was no need to ask who; the flame lilies proclaimed the name of the man he loved better than Ed could.
“How long what, Al?”
“How long have you been hiding this from me?” Al asked.
His brother got up before Ed could answer and he closed his eyes and rested for a moment with his head tilted back against the couch. Something cool touched his forehead and he looked up to see Al handing him a glass of water.
He took a sip and waited as Al sat down beside him. He’d never intended to tell Al that he had Hanahaki Disease. It was rare, but unmistakable. He’d been able to control the cough, to keep it hidden until the very end. It had progressed so far now that there was little he could do. He had planned to take the train East in the morning on a mission for Mustang and he’d never intended to come back. He knew his time was short. He hadn’t wanted Al to have to live with this.
“Ed?”
“Give me a minute, okay Al? Just let me clean up and we’ll talk. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. Okay?”
His brother nodded and then helped Ed up off the floor. He walked him back to the bathroom and Ed took a deep breath. “I’m gonna hit the shower. My ribs hurt,” he admitted. It was true, but more than anything, Ed wanted some time to collect his thoughts. “Need to let the hot water do its magic.”
Al watched him with wide eyes, unshed tears making them look bigger than they were, deeper. “Alright, Brother. Take your time. Do you need help?”
“I’ll be fine, Al,” he said quietly. His throat hurt like hell. “Maybe some tea. There’s a packet, hidden behind Fritz’s Biological Alchemy in the study. It helps after a bad fit.”
Al left him then and Ed took in a deep breath, grateful that the cough had been strong enough to momentarily clear his airways. It wasn’t always. Some days he struggled for breath all day long. Other, like today, the flowers seemed to be plucked from their branches and left only the scratchy tendrils behind to diminish the air flow. The flowers would grow back quick enough though. The cough would return and Ed would be spitting flame lilies again.
He ran the water as hot as he could stand. His ribs ached from the past few days and while this had been his worst bout, it wasn’t the only bad fit he’d had recently. He stood under the warm water until it ran cold.
He walked to his room to get fresh clothes and heard his brother tinkering in the kitchen. Ed took his time dressing; instead of his usual clothes though he chose some loose sleeping pants and a tee shirt. Al wouldn’t mind him seeking comfort where he could get it. He didn’t bother to do anything more than dry his hair. It was too much of an effort to try to pull his hair back and he wasn’t above using it as a shield against his brother. He needed to find a way to keep his brother from realizing exactly how close he was to death. If Al realized how far gone he was then there was no way he’d allow him to get on the train in the morning. In fact, Ed had already started to work on a plan to sneak out because he wasn’t stupid enough to think his brother wouldn’t call Mustang about this.
Not that it would matter. Contrary to popular belief, confessing your love to the person you were coughing flowers over wouldn’t stop the disease. It wouldn’t even slow it down. He’d read some reports that indicated it might even speed it up. Ed had loved Mustang from afar for years. He had no need of confessions that could only be politely accepted but never returned. He had no need to see the pity in Roy’s eyes and feel his heart break even further.
The thought doubled him over again, the flowers racing up his throat as he fell to his knees again. Damn it! He’d gotten so damn good at not thinking about it. The image wouldn’t leave him though, of what would happen when Ed was gone. Roy would be hurt and Ed would be the cause. Roy couldn’t love him, but he cared for all his men and Ed would never deny that. For every bantered conversation, there was a quick phone call across the country to make sure that Ed had survived his latest mission without harm.
He dropped his head to the floor and wrapped his arms around his ribs where it hurt the most. Arms wrapped around him from behind and he let Al hold him tight as his body was wracked with cough. It wasn’t one at a time as it always had been before. Mouthfuls of flowers came up and he barely spat them out before more pressed against his lips. He couldn’t get enough air and his vision was going black.
“Don’t you fucking die on me, Fullmetal!” Ed was started by the voice in his ear, by the realization that it wasn’t Al holding him. “That’s an order, do you understand me! Don’t you die!”
Roy’s voice was harsh and thick, heavy with emotion and the surprise seemed to have stopped the attack. He gulped air down his lungs and the room spun as he tried to sit up. Mustang pulled him upright and Ed would fight the way he found himself pulled against his chest, but he didn’t have the energy.
He closed his eyes and relaxed where he was until he felt the spasms finally stop.
“Brother, your tea,” Al said gently.
Ed opened his eyes to see Al watching him. He held out the tea cup and Ed took it with shaking hands. He took a sip to see if it would stay down this time and he was relieved when it did.
“He said it sooths the cough,” Al spoke softly.
Ed felt Mustang’s hand in his hair, running down over his back and up again in a soothing gesture. He should get up, shouldn’t let himself get comfortable but he was too damn tired. He’d never had two fits so close together.
“Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?”
“I didn’t know,” Al confessed. “I called you after I saw his attack today but … General … I’ve never seen any symptoms and this is the late stages.” Al looked at him then and Ed wanted to look away, but he was curled up on himself, in the vee of Mustang’s body, pressed against his chest. Mustang’s legs were bent at the knee, bracketing Ed and one hand held him close around the waist while the other continued to stroke his hair. He didn’t deserve this, but he needed it. He’d never intended to tell either of them, but the choice was gone now and he would take what comfort he could.
“How long, Ed?” Al asked him again.
“A year and a half,” Ed said quietly. He sipped the tea and ignored the gasps from his brother and Mustang. The tea was warm and honeyed and it felt good against his ravaged throat so he closed his eyes and continued to drink as he waited for the next question.
The next words were full of tears and Ed clung to his cup as he listened to Al.
“When were you going to tell me?”
“I was going to East City tomorrow on a mission. I won’t ,” he took a deep breath because he’d never actually said it out loud. “I won’t make it another week. I was never coming back. There was a letter for you.”
“You idiot,” he heard the hoarse whisper against his temple and Ed curled closer into Mustang. The flowers were strewn all around him so Mustang knew the truth and he wasn’t disgusted. Lying in his arms, if just for a few minutes, was the most content he’d been in a long while.
“Don’t go getting emotional on me, Bastard,” Ed said softly. “If you do, then I will, and then I’ll just start coughing again.”
The arms around him pulled him tighter and Ed felt the warm drop of tears against his temple and it was too much. He shoved the teacup into Al’s hands as the cough came again. He tried to pull away from Mustang but he was too weak and Mustang pulled him closer into his chest. This was why he didn’t want Mustang to know. This is why he never confessed. He had no hopes that Mustang loved him. Ed was 14 years younger than him, his subordinate, and male. Mustang had a career that would end with the highest office in the land and Ed had a career as a military dog that enjoyed blowing things up a little too much so he could replace them with added - horrific- features to get a rise out of his commanding officer.
Roy didn’t deserve this guilt on top of everything else. It would kill him to know what his feelings were doing to Ed.
He was gasping for air but none was coming. His face was tilted up and he looked up at Mustang who looked wildly back at him. “Don’t you die, Fullmetal! You don’t get to tell me you love me so much you’re dying from it and not let me tell you how I feel about it.”
Ed tried to push away from his chest again but instead of being pulled to his chest, Mustang wrapped his fingers in Ed’s hair and pulled their lips together in a fierce kiss.
“I love you, Ed. Don’t you dare die on me!”
“You can’t just say that!” Ed yelled. “It doesn’t work that way.”
Mustang pressed his forehead to Ed’s but his hand didn’t leave his hair where he kept Ed where he was. “You think I don’t mean it?” Mustang demanded before he kissed Ed again.
He thought it was probably lack of oxygen to his brain that was causing the cough to stop, but then he realized it was the kiss that was taking his breath away and not the flowers.
He pulled back in surprise. He could feel it still, feel the flowers in his chest but the pressure had already eased up a little. Enough to breathe easier. Enough to look at Mustang and see the truth in his eyes.
“You…”
“You idiot! You were just going to run off and die and all you had to do was tell me!”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” He had his hands in Mustang’s shirt now, clenched around the fabric to keep him close. Not that Mustang seemed like he was going anywhere.
“Ed,” he whispered, his hand leaving Ed’s hair to cup his face and look him in the eyes. “I’m your commanding officer. I could never be the one to say something. If I had known you were sick … I would have anyway. You never told me. You …” he let out a shuddered breath. “I almost lost you.”
Ed buried his head in Mustang’s neck and then he felt another body pressed against his back. “We almost lost you,” Mustang whispered.
He felt tears on his face, on his temple, and the back of his neck and it was the safest he’d ever felt. He let out a soft breath and his body relaxed.
“Ed?” Mustang called his name delicately.
“I’m okay. I’m just … tired.”
“Brother?” There was a note of panic in his voice and Ed sighed.
“Al, I’m okay. I mean it. I feel … it’s still there but it’s not like it was.”
“But… it’s supposed to be gone.” Al demanded.
“It’s not magic, Al,” Ed said softly. His throat hurt like hell. He probably needed more tea, after three attacks in one day. “The pressure is going down but it will take a while to heal properly.”
“We should get you to the doctor,” Mustang said adamantly.
“Tomorrow. Please?” Ed asked. “I’m too tired. I just want…”
He didn’t say anything then and he pulled closer to Mustang again.
“What? Ed, tell me, please.”
“I just want to stay here.”
“On the ground, in the middle of a pile of bloody flowers?” Mustang teased.
The fact that there was a playful lilt in his voice meant he understood and Ed would be mortified at his clinginess if he didn’t need it so damn bad.
“With you,” he said softly.
“Would you like more tea, Brother?” Al asked as he finally pulled back.
“That would be great, Al,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Al, would you call Hawkeye and let her know I won’t be back today? Tell her I’ll fill her in tomorrow,” Mustang asked.
Al left and Ed was alone with Mustang. “Do you feel like you’re strong enough to stand up?”
“Yeah. Not sure I could get very far though,” he answered honestly. As much as he hated being weak, there was no hiding how bad it had been.
“Just to the bed,” Mustang said. Ed nodded and he pulled back slightly. He kept his eyes down and just concentrated on keeping upright. When Mustang got to his feet, he held his hand down for Ed. Ed took it and was pulled right back into Mustang’s chest as he led him to the bed. He watched as the blankets were pushed down and he crawled between the covers and let his head rest on the pillow. Mustang didn’t follow him immediately and Ed looked up to see Mustang walk to the other side of the bed. His jacket was already unbuttoned and thrown over the foot on his bed. Ed watched as Mustang undid his button up shirt and stripped it off. He dropped the shirt next to his jacket, then sat on the edge of Ed’s bed. He undid his boots and pushed his socks off before he slid out of his pants.
When he turned to look at Ed, he was dressed in his boxers and he smiled at Ed but his eyes were rimmed in red. Ed wanted to reach out to him but he didn’t have the strength. Mustang pulled the blankets back and slid in beside Ed and pulled him close until Ed’s head was resting on his chest. One hand stroked his hair again while the other settled on his back.
Ed looked up at Mustang and he thought he was allowed this one thing now. He reached up and gently ran his fingers over Mustang’s face before he cupped his cheek. The General’s eyes closed as he nuzzled into Ed’s hand.
When Mustang looked at him, he let out a deep breath. “I love you,” Ed finally admitted.
The laugh Mustang gave was broken, but his smile was warm and strong and sincere. “I love you too, Ed. I have for a long time,” he said as he pulled Ed close enough to kiss.
When Mustang pulled back, it was just far enough to let his head rest against Ed’s.
“Wish I had energy for more than that,” Ed said softly.
“We’ll get you better first, then you have plenty of time for whatever you have in mind.”
“Yeah?”
“I almost lost you today, Ed. I’m not taking that chance again.”
A knock at the door surprised him but then Al was back with the tea. Mustang moved up the bed and pulled Ed back up to prop him against his chest where he could drink easier.
“I can sit up on my own,” Ed said.
“Shut up, Ed,” Al said as he handed him the tea cup. “He can feel your breathing that way.”
“Am I that obvious?” Mustang asked, and Ed realized that Mustang’s hand was on his chest, just resting there. When he thought about it, he realized the whole time Mustang had been checking his breathing. So had Al when he’d pressed against Ed’s back.
Al smiled. “If you weren’t, I would.”
He felt the General go unnaturally still behind him.
“Al, if you … I can leave if you-”
“Oh no, I didn’t mean that,” Al said quickly. “In fact, I’ve heard that the cure works best if the two people, once they confess their feelings, are in close contact. It’s better for Brother if you stay close. I just … I meant I needed to know he’d breathing clearly. I know you’re keeping an eye on it.”
Ed sipped his tea and for the first time in six months he couldn’t even feel the roots that had started to grow up his throat. He let out a startled laugh and closed his eyes at the tears that threatened to spill out.
“Ed?” “Brother?”
“I’m okay,” he said softly. He looked at Al and gave his brother a smile. “I can feel it going away. Not just the way it would get a little better after a bad fit cleared the flowers out. I can feel the growth shrinking.”
“We’re still taking you to the doctor tomorrow,” Mustang said.
Ed wanted to protest but there was banging down the hallway and Al’s eyes widened. “I forgot to call the office!” he said as he ran out of the room.
“Who do you think came?”
“Who?” Mustang tilted Ed’s head up and back before he pressed a kiss to Ed’s forehead. “Al called me in a panic, Ed. I ran out of the office with a shout that I needed to get to you. I don’t have any idea what they think is happening, but it won’t be who. It will be how many. And my guess is that it will be all of them.”
He groaned and Mustang took the empty cup from him and set it on the bedside table. He pulled them back down the bed and wrapped him back in his arms.
“How bad is it gonna be?”
“They’ll be hurt you didn’t tell them. Angry that you almost threw your life away for no reason. But comparatively, it won’t be bad.”
“Comparatively?”
“What do you think Al is going to do when the doctor gives him the all clear?”
Ed cringed but didn’t have time for anything else before the doorway was filled with the people from the office. Havoc was the first in the door but he stopped when he saw the flowers littered all over the floor. Breda and Fuery were right behind him. Hawkeye came a moment later with Al beside her. No one moved and no one spoke.
“What the hell, Boss!” Havoc finally demanded.
“This is… how long did it take for this to happen?” Breda asked, pointing to the flame lilies on the floor.
“He had an attack when I got here. Another a few minutes after he’d calmed down from the first one.”
“This all happened today?” Breda asked for confirmation.
Ed knew it was bad. Breda was too smart not to understand exactly how bad it was. Breda’s older brother had died of Hanahaki Disease when he was a young man and he’d nursed him through it to the end.
“Second Lieutenant?” Hawkeye asked.
Breda’s eyes narrowed and Ed found himself at the end of Breda’s anger for the first time in his memory. They all knew Ed had been planning to leave for East in the morning. And in that moment Bread knew that Ed’s earlier good-bye tonight had been a final one.
And Hawkeye was asking just how bad the flowers really were.
“He said his good-bye today,” Breda said shortly. “This was the end.”
He felt Mustang’s arms tighten around him and Havoc started to open his mouth but Mustang cut them all off.
“Not tonight,” he said with authority. “Ed almost died and he’s still recovering. I’ll be taking him to the base doctor in the morning. You’re more than welcome to wait outside to get the doctor’s clean bill of health and then wait in line, behind me, until Alphonse gets done with his say.”
Ed could see Al’s furious nod and he buried his head in Mustang’s chest and groaned.
“We’ll see you in the morning then,” Hawkeye said calmly.
“She’s going to shoot me,” Ed said miserably.
“At least you’ll be close to medical supplies,” Al said without remorse.
There was a spattering of laughter and Havoc clapped a hand on Al’s shoulder. “I’m gonna bet you didn’t get anything to eat once this all started,” Havoc said as he pointed towards the flowers. “What do you say we all go out and grab some chow. You can practice your ‘Ed, you idiot’ speech on us.”
Al seemed torn but when he looked at Mustang, Ed felt the General nod his head. “Yeah,” Al said after a moment. “Good idea. I’ll bring something back for you guys.”
“Thank you,Al,” Mustang said softly.
It was more than food and Ed wasn’t sure what. Maybe letting them have some time alone? Ed was too tired to think clearly.
Al came closer then and pressed a kiss to his brother’s forehead. “Get some sleep, Brother. I’ll find something that won’t bother your throat too much.”
“You’re the best, Al.”
Al rolled his eyes but he left the room and closed the door behind him. He heard voices for a few minutes longer and then the front door closed.
“Alone?”
“I’m guessing Hawkeye left a soldier on the street in case of emergencies, but I think they’re all taking care of Al right now.”
“I owe them.”
“You do,” Mustang said as he moved down and turned onto his side. Ed did the same so he could look Mustang in the eye.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked. There was no accusation, and no anger. It would come later, but not tonight.
Ed knew that as tired as he was, Mustang was also. The others might have understood what was happened, but they hadn’t seen it. He was just glad Al was getting out before the images could cement into his brain and leave him with nightmares tonight.
“You’re not supposed to love me,” Ed answered. Mustang didn’t say anything and Ed kept going. “You’re supposed to find someone that can help you become Fuhrer and I can’t help you with that. All I’ll do is get in the way.”
“So you were going to die because you were worried about what public opinion would do to my reputation?”
“What? No. I just … that’s where your focus is. I didn’t think you’d even entertain the idea of … me. Us.”
Mustang closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to Ed’s. “Mustang,” he said softly.
“Roy. You were about to die, for love of me. I think you can use my first name.”
“Bastard,” Ed said instead. He smiled as he said it though and so did Mustang. He caressed the other man’s cheek. “Might take a while. It was… easier to try to keep it in check if I thought of you as Mustang. To think about you as the General and not… you know … as you. When I think about you, it got worse. In the beginning I slipped up a lot and nearly gave myself away. I found ways to think around it so I wouldn’t have a coughing fit at work.”
“You’re too smart for your own good, Ed.”
“It’s been said.”
Mustang… Roy … pulled him close again and Ed felt himself resting on his chest. Roy could feel his heartbeat against his own chest and with the hand against his back. If there was even a twitch, Roy would know. Ed buried his head in Roy’s neck and let out a tired sigh.
“Will you stay tonight?”
Roy kissed him tenderly but the chaste kiss deepened as Ed parted his lips. Their tongues tangled gently, slowly, teasingly. Roy’s hands gripped him harder and Ed knew he’d be bruised come morning. If Roy needed to hold him so tightly to know he was still there, he was happy to wear them.
When they parted, Roy only moved far enough way that his nose nudged up against Ed’s. “Tonight?” he asked. “Ed, my love, I’m going to stay forever.”
Continue to the sequel: Love of My Life