The Answer Is You (Part Five)
Title. The Answer is You
Author. hunters_retreat
Artist. selu
Characters. Don, Charlie, Megan, David, Colby, Larry, Alan
Pairings. Don/Charlie, mentions of Larry/Megan
Word Count.25,000
Genre. Slash
Rating. R
Warnings. dub-con, violence
Summary.Charlie Eppes is the best selling author of The Attraction Equation, a book that make finding the perfect partner a science. Of course, his own love life hasn’t been that eventful. What happens when someone obsessed with Charlie does the math and comes up with his own idea of who Charlie’s soul mate is? Can the team get to them in time before Don and Charlie’s relationship is altered beyond repair? And once they escape, can they ever be free of their captor's voice, telling them to take what they want and never let go?
When Don woke he could feel the hazy cloud around his thoughts. He knew what it meant and panic gripped him as he sat up in the hospital bed, looking for his brother.
"He's right here," he heard Megan's words but it was only after he saw his brother lying in the hospital bed next to him, no new injuries, nothing but what he’d had when they left captivity, that he could relax even in the slightest. He turned to look at the FBI agent then.
"Has he woken up yet?"
"No," she said with a fond smile for his brother. She was sitting in a chair beside Don’s bed, her clothes rumpled as if she'd been there a while. "You remember how hysterical he was when they tried to take him to run the tests?"
He had a vague recollection of it so he nodded. "Do you remember pushing the nurse out of the room? Or hitting the doctor when he tried to calm you down?"
"Shit. No I don't remember that."
"They had to sedate both of you so they could get Charlie checked out," she leaned forward, her elbows on her knees as she looked at him. "So, you ready to tell us what happened to you two?"
Don glared at her because it was the last thing he wanted to do even if a small part of him knew that he had to.
"Look Don, I know it had to be bad but Alan is going to be here soon and from the way you two are acting I'm pretty sure there are things you aren't going to want to say in front of him."
"Like what?” Don demanded. “You think I have something to hide Megan?"
Megan sat back at the anger in his words, bringing her hands up as if to sooth him. "No Don, I just meant that you'll want to spare your dad from the worst of the details. I thought you’d rather get this out of the way before he was around.”
He shivered as he looked over at Charlie. His fingers itched to touch his brother, to hold him until he woke from the drugged sleep. He wanted to reassure him that he was safe with soft kisses and whispered words that only Charlie could hear. He knew it was wrong, knew it was all manipulation and situational stress, but that didn't change his need to touch and taste, to feel his brother's life strong under his hands. It didn’t erase the memories of doing all those things and more to keep his brother safe.
“It was bad, okay? He drugged us at the hotel and when we woke we were in that room. The only exit was through the ceiling but we couldn’t get out. He …” Don paused because there was only so much he was willing to tell. If Charlie needed him to admit more, he’d think about it, but for now he was staying with the basics. “He would shut off all the lights so we couldn’t move around and he’d push some sort of gas through the ventilation of the room. Sometimes when we woke up, there would be clean clothes, or more fresh food, but other times…” he paused, taking a deep breath as his eyes searched out his brother again. “Other times we woke and Charlie was hurt.”
“Don?”
He heard his brother’s panicked voice and Don was out of his bed before he realized he’d been planning to move. “Hey Charlie, I’m right here.” He said as he tried to get to his brother. The IV line held him back but he grabbed the damn pole it was on and wheeled it over to Charlie’s bed.
“Don, I don’t think you’re supposed-“
“How you feeling?” Don ignored Megan’s attempt to interrupt as he sat himself on the edge of Charlie’s bed. Charlie looked at Megan and then back at Don before reaching for his brother. Don slid further onto the bed, letting himself wrap his arms around Charlie as they settled in the same bed together.
“Better now.” Charlie yawned into his brother’s chest.
When Don looked back up at Megan he gave her one final nod. “We’re done here.”
“How is he doing?” David asked as soon as Megan walked out of the room.
Megan shook her head and David was almost afraid of what she was going to say. He could see the defeat in her eyes and as much as he wanted to just bury his head in the sand and let it all blow past, he had to know what was happening with his team, his friends.
“I don’t know. It’s bad,” she said softly. “Don’s always been protective of Charlie, but this is almost obsessive. And Charlie was barely awake before he was hiding behind Don again. Don confirmed what we knew about them being taken and why there were traces of drugs in their system. They were drugged and sometimes when they woke Charlie was beaten. He won’t say why that happened, or what they were able to do to stop it, but something forced this hyper attachment they’re displaying. Whatever happened between Don and Charlie, Don isn’t talking.”
“You said you had an idea earlier.” David prodded.
Megan looked like she was going to balk but then Colby pressed ahead. “We can’t help them if we don’t know what we’re dealing with Megan.”
He could see the relief in Megan’s eyes as she pulled them aside. She didn’t want to hold this on her own and she shouldn’t have to. They got them out as a team and they’d see them through recovery as a team.
“I can’t say for certain, but if you look at the way they’re clinging to one another it makes sense. Don couldn’t protect Charlie from whatever was happening so he’s letting Charlie stand behind him, sheltering him from everything he can. Charlie sees Don as the only person who can stop the bad things from happening. Whatever happened was intense and it was done in a manner that was meant to psychologically break them down and force them to rely on each other.”
“You think something happened to Charlie.” David said softly.
“With the minimal number of bruises and contusions we’ve found on Charlie’s body, I can only think of one thing that would have sent both he and Don over the edge so quickly.”
David didn’t want to hear her continue but he knew he had to let her get it out. He took a deep breath to steady himself, nodding when he was ready for her to go on.
“Rape.”
Their release from the hospital came two days later. There was no lasting damage to them physically. The doctors didn’t have any serious concerns for the brothers and the bruises Charlie was suffering didn’t warrant a longer stay. Charlie refused to allow a rape kit no matter what Megan said and Don surprised everyone by agreeing with him. The older brother refused one as well, saying he hadn’t been hurt in the encounter but no one quite believed him. Megan bit at her bottom lip when he told her to back off and there was disappointment in her eyes. Colby just nodded and walked away. David took a deep breath and gave a half smile, tilting his head in acknowledgment as he did so.
Their father was there, had been there since right after they’d woken up. He looked like hell, but Don couldn’t imagine what he must have been going through, both of his sons missing when he’d built his world around them for so many years. He swooped in, charmed the staff into letting him walk in and out whenever he wanted, and threatened the press if they came a step too close the first two days.
Neither Charlie nor Don were talking to the press and the hospital made sure to keep the reporters out. No one really cared about what happened to an FBI agent who went missing, but once word leaked out that the author of “The Attraction Equation” had gone missing it was suddenly a news worthy story.
Don ran his fingers over the thigh of his favorite pair of jeans. They were clean and soft, the pair he wore when he needed comfort. He didn’t know if his father knew that, or if it was just a coincidence that he brought them back from Don’s apartment but it felt good. A plain black tee-shirt made him feel comfortable as he waited for the doctor to come back with the last of the paperwork.
He leaned back in the chair, refusing to get in the damn bed again after three days spent in it. He closed his eyes, trying not to watch as Charlie dressed. Don heard a bang and his brother’s curse and his eyes opened of their own accord, his body already moving to Charlie’s side.
“You alright Chuck?” His hand tilted his brother’s face up to look at him.
“Yeah.” Charlie said softly. “Just … banged my elbow.”
Don nodded, brushing his lips across Charlie’s forehead before realizing what he was doing. When he thought about it, he stepped back quickly. Damn, he had to stop this. He had to control what he was doing, the feelings he was having where Charlie was concerned. It made it worse when he looked at Charlie, at the hurt in his eyes, like he knew why Don had stepped away. “Finish up,” he said softly to take the sting away. “The quicker you get dressed, the quicker we can get home.”
Charlie smiled at that, though Don knew he wouldn’t be happy when he realized what Don meant by those words. He had no intention of staying at Charlie’s, of becoming his brother’s sole means of comfort and safety now that they were out. He had to return them to their former lives, had to remember that they were just brothers before it all got out of control. Doing what they had to do to survive was one thing. Doing this willingly because he couldn’t step away from that sick bastard’s conditioning was something else entirely.
Charlie concentrated on dressing again and Don turned to stare out the window. He didn’t know what he was going to do. The FBI didn’t want him back for another week, feeling he needed at least that long to recover from the ordeal. All he wanted to do was bury himself. In his brother was the predominant desire. Since he couldn’t do that, he wanted to bury himself in work. They were taking that option from him so he was floundering, trying to find his feet.
He felt Charlie behind him, felt his brother’s forehead rest between his shoulder blades but he didn’t push him away, didn’t try to get distance between them. It was why he had to get out of the hospital and back to his life. He didn’t have it in him to deny Charlie and he knew what his brother needed right now, what would make him safe and happy. A few days out of the room and he could see the whole thing clearly. The way he’d been made to keep his brother safe, the way his touch was supposed to equate safety for Charlie. The way they had been forced into this terrible intimacy that he could never accept, never forget, never unlearn. His only chance was to run from it, pretend not to see his brother’s need, and bury his own.
Charlie’s hand came up to rest on his hip and Don closed his eyes. Not yet though. He couldn’t turn away with his brother just yet. “You okay Chuck?”
“Yeah, just want to go home.”
“Soon.”
“When are you going back to work?”
“They gave me a week off.”
“That’s it?”
He huffed softly, knowing that his brother didn’t understand his need to get back to his work. He didn’t understand Don’s need for the separation that was going to have to happen between them. Charlie was still too far under the influence of their abductor to see what was good for him, to know what had been done to him. As brilliant as Charlie was, he didn’t have an understanding of the human psyche and the convoluted things people could do to you if they really understood how.
“Mr. Eppes?”
Don turned away from the window and felt Charlie turning with him, letting Don be his shield against the rest of the world. The nurse looked askance at him as they always did when they found the two of them too close together. He didn’t know if they knew about the kidnapping but Charlie never bothered to talk to them, just cowered behind him. Don was to used to his brother clinging to act like it was something out of the ordinary.
“Yeah?”
“I have your paperwork.”
“So we sign this and we can get out of here?”
“The doctor already signed his part. Just need your John Hancock and you’re set to go,” she said with a smile.
Don approached the nurse and started rifling through the paperwork, signing where she told him to sign. Charlie was about to sign his own paperwork when their father showed up. His smile was warm and welcoming as he walked in, but there was a sadness in his eyes that Don couldn’t remember seeing since their mother had passed away.
“We were beginning to think we’d have to call a taxi.” Don teased as the nurse pointed out the correct pages to Charlie. He took a step towards their father but Charlie’s hand grabbed his wrist, stopping him.
“Don’t leave me Don.” He said softly, his eyes betraying the flood of emotions behind the words. He didn’t know if Charlie had figured out his plan or if he’d just panicked at the idea of being left with the nurse.
“I’m right here buddy.” Don answered just as softly. “Finish up and we can get you home.”
“Us home.”
“You bet. I’m more than ready to sleep in a real bed tonight.”
His father’s eyes strayed to Charlie’s hand on his wrist and when he looked up at Don, he looked concerned. Don just glared back, challenging the older man to say anything about it. He wasn’t sure how it would have ended if the nurse hadn’t interrupted.
“The doctor left some prescriptions for the both of you. There’s a pharmacy on the way out if you want to get them filled there.”
“Sleeping pills, right?” Don asked, taking his eyes away from his father to the nurse.
“Yes, but remember to use them only when needed. If you can find a way to sleep without them it’s better to try. These aren’t very strong, as I’m sure the doctor already told you, but they can be addictive.”
“We’ll be fine. Thank you.” He looked down at Charlie’s paperwork and nodded. “So we’re free to go now?”
“I just need to get someone to wheel the two of you out and you’re free.”
“Great.”
They got Charlie home and Don insisted his brother lay down. He gave Charlie one of the sleeping pills and though Charlie stared at it for a moment, he swallowed it down without asking why. “Don, lay with me?” He asked softly as he settled into the warmth of the soft comforter.
“Yeah Chuck.” He said, as he lay down beside his brother. Charlie scooted close and it only took a few minutes before he was asleep. Don ran a hand over his brother’s sleeping face and pressed their lips together in a final kiss before extracting himself from his brother’s bed.
His father was waiting in the front room, reading a book, pretending there was nothing out of the ordinary in the day. It was the same thing he’d done whenever Don had been caught as a kid, sneaking in past curfew.
“So, you’re just going to leave now?”
“Dad-“
“I don’t know what happened to you Don, but I know that your brother needs you.”
“No, he doesn’t. He needs to be able to deal with this without me around.”
“And you’re so certain of it that you drugged him so he couldn’t fight it when you left.” His father asked as he set the book in his lap.
“It’s not like that.”
“Then explain it to me.”
“No.” Don said as he grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair.
“Donnie, I know you don’t want to talk to me, but what am I supposed to tell your brother when he wakes up? You know what he’s going to be like.”
“Dad,” he hesitated because he didn’t know what to do. He had to leave, he knew that. Charlie wasn’t going to get better with him around. He wasn’t going to get better with Charlie close enough to touch. His brother wouldn’t understand that right now, but in the end, he had to believe Charlie would forgive him. He was safe now. Don had to be content with that. In time he’d be able to see his brother again, to see he was alright, but it was too much right now.
“He won’t understand but that doesn’t mean this isn’t the right thing to do.”
His father stood and Don thought he was going to argue with him, but instead he wrapped Don in his huge embrace. Don let himself rest there for a moment, taking comfort from the strength of his father before he pulled back.
“I know you can’t talk to me Donnie, but there are people who can help you. Don’t think you have to do this all on your own.”
“I know Dad. I promise, I’ll ask for help if I need it.”
“If?”
Don gave his father a half smile, then walked out the door. Every step was heavier and harder than the last as he walked away from his lover, hoping someday he’d get his brother back in his stead.
Don’s apartment had never felt as empty as it did when he returned to it. It wasn’t just the apartment. That had always been a blank slate for him, a place to unwind when he had time, but a place that he never thought of as home. Home had dark wood and soft comfort, it had his father’s pile of books and a trace of chalky fingerprints all over the walls and banisters.
He hadn’t realized he’d gone back so often during the course of a week until it became a place he couldn’t go. He knew Charlie wouldn’t be able to leave yet, not without Don there to protect him, to wrap him up in safe arms and keep the rest of the world at bay. It was what he wanted more than anything, to make sure that Charlie was well, to kiss away the stress of the day and hold him at night to stay the nightmares. He couldn’t though. It wasn’t what would pull Charlie through, so he closed himself off to the thought.
It was a cold comfort to know he was suffering like his brother, but a comfort nonetheless. A week at odds with himself and to learn how to deal with the broken relationship he now had with Charlie. Two weeks back at work where the team watched him too closely, tried a little too hard to pretend that everything was back to normal, and all Don wanted to do was cave in. He wanted to do what everyone else wanted, to go see his brother and to help Charlie deal with the kidnapping. He couldn’t though and as he saw Megan walking Larry back to her desk he couldn’t stop the anger that was bubbling up inside him. Megan and Larry who seemed to have a really good thing going but refused to make more of it. The pair who could go see Charlie whenever they wanted, who didn’t understand why Don couldn’t.
“Don, look who stopped by for a visit.” Megan said with a soft smile.
“Yeah, hey Larry. How are you?” He asked, barely looking up from the files on his desk.
“As well as can be expected I suppose.” The professor said with a shake of his head. “Your father just gave me a rather sound beating at chess, and while I try not to let the competitive nature of my species dictate my actions, there are times when I must admit it bothers me.”
Don nodded, glad to hear that was all he was talking about. He didn’t need another lecture about his duty to his father or brother. Too many people thought they knew what was best for him and Charlie and none of them had any idea.
“I couldn’t coax Charles out of his room for a game though. I thought it might work for a moment, but then he closed the door again, and refused to come out.”
“Refused to come out? Out of where?”
Larry looked at Megan and Megan looked as incredulous as he did. “When Charlie woke after you left he went straight to the garage. He comes out for the bathroom mostly when no one else is there, but otherwise, he refuses to leave. I thought you knew about that.”
“I thought Charlie was in the house.” Don said, a pit of uncertainty forming in his stomach. “I thought he was getting better.”
Larry shrugged. “That would be hard when he won’t talk to anyone.”
“I thought he was seeing a shrink.”
“Well… a psychologist can only do so much when someone refuses to talk to them,” Megan answered. “He’ll let a few of us come into the garage with him, but even the psychologist has to come to him and we’re only allowed so far in. Anything past a certain point and Charlie huddles on the bed he moved into the center of the room.”
He could picture it so clearly in his mind, his brother’s garage had similar dimensions as their prison. The hide-a-bed their father kept out there could easily be moved into the right position, and Charlie huddled on the bed, waiting for Don to comfort him, to tell him when it was okay to come out and back into the sheltered existence of their captivity.
“Jesus Chuck,” he whispered to himself a hand wiping over his face as he tried to understand why no one had told him about that. Then he realized, they didn’t understand. Neither he nor Charlie were talking and until one of them did, so many of the things that mattered were kept just between them.
“Don,” Larry said softly. “Don’t you think it’s time you talked to your brother?”
Don didn’t answer but he stepped away from the other man. He grabbed his jacket and walked out. He doubted anyone believed he was going to do what they thought was necessary. Hell, he wasn’t going to do what he wanted either since that included wrapping Charlie in his arms and keeping him safe, telling him he never had to hide behind Don again. He never had to cower in fear on the bed as they waited for the next set of instructions, the next series of bruises if Don didn’t comply.
He pulled out his cell phone and called the director. Don told him he needed some more time to clear his head and he was gone for the rest of the week, a four day weekend so he could get his head away from Charlie and back to the life they both needed him to live.
It didn’t work though. Instead of getting his head clear all he could think about was his brother, terrified and needing him. He closed his eyes as he sat on his couch, remembering the way he would sooth his brother’s fears. The way Charlie would calm under his touch, how he would let out a small breathy exhale when Don pressed his lips to Charlie’s forehead, how he would moan and arch when Don filled him.
He had to do what was best for them both of them, but what was best? Don wasn’t getting any better. He could no longer lie to himself; at the end of the day he was still running from what had happened and Charlie was stuck in the same spot, unable to move on without Don there to help him.
He couldn’t go back to Charlie and be what they had been molded into, but he couldn’t let it go either. None of it mattered in the end though, because before anything else, Don was a big brother and Charlie needed him. No matter how much it might hurt, or how it might affect his own damaged psyche, he knew he had to do something.
He could hear their voices before he got to the door so he paused outside, listening.
“You just need to leave him alone.” He could hear Charlie’s voice reaching almost hysterical levels of anger. “You don’t understand!”
“You are right there my friend,” Larry said calmly, sympathetically. “Because you won’t tell us. How can we be asked to understand what you won’t explain?”
“The question is, how can you attempt to offer help when you don’t? Don is,” Charlie’s voice broke slightly, “he’s fine. He doesn’t need you interfering in his life.”
“Charles, no one is trying to interfere. We just want to see you both well again.”
Charlie huffed at Larry’s words. Don could imagine him wrapping his arms around his waist, elbows tight against his hips to protect himself. “Don’s the strong one.”
He couldn’t take the defeat in his brother’s voice, the way Charlie’s mind automatically made Don the strong one and categorized himself as the smart one, or the freaky one, or the obsessive one. Yeah, Don might be physically stronger than his brother, but he’d never met another human being with the sheer force of personality that Charlie had. He walked into the room and smiled as he took in Larry and Megan standing just inside the door. “Hey guys.” He said softly.
“Don?” Larry’s surprise hit him viscerally, the belief that Don wouldn’t be there when his brother needed him. They didn’t understand, as Charlie had pointed out, but Don did. He had to do something about Charlie’s inability to leave this room and his need to defend Don.
That one word was all he got from either Larry or Megan before he saw Charlie and his brother was looking at him with a strange look in his eyes. Part of it is anger, part hunger, but it was the last emotion he didn’t understand; awe, maybe fear. He didn’t know but when Charlie stood up from his seat on the bed, Don took a single step forward before Charlie was burying himself in his brother’s chest.
He vaguely heard Megan comment about leaving them alone and when the door closed, he let his lips brush his brother’s temple. “Jesus Charlie, what are you doing out here?”
Charlie didn’t look up at him, didn’t try to get away from the embrace. “I … I couldn’t do it Don, not alone, not without you.”
“Shhhh … I know. That’s why I’m here. We’ve got to get you out of the garage, get you talking to someone. You can’t stay like this.”
“And you can?”
Charlie stepped away and Don closed his eyes, shaking his head minutely. “No, I can’t. I thought… maybe if we got Dr. Bradford to come by … we could talk to him together. You know, like that time you came in with me?”
“You won’t leave me with him?”
“No, I won’t.”
There was a long pause as Charlie looked at him, shaking his head. “You left before.”
Don closed his eyes. He knew this was going to happen, had to happen, but it didn’t make it any easier. “Yeah I did. I thought maybe we could get past this if I just backed off a little.”
“You didn’t back off a little, you were just gone.”
“I’m sorry Charlie. I just … I can’t stop myself.” He felt the anger building and tried to tamp it down, but he knew it wouldn’t take much to set him off into a full blown rage. “The things he did, what he made us do, I can’t stop wanting to comfort you Charlie, to make sure you feel safe and the only way I know how to do that anymore is sexual.”
“I don’t care Don.”
He let out a bitter laugh. “You don’t care. I know Charlie, that’s why I had to go. You don’t care and that’s so far out of the norm it shows just how messed up we both are.”
“Don,”
“No, listen. This whole thing, it’s just because he wanted to see us break. What he did was systematic and planned. He made you rely on me and he made me responsible for your health and safety. He made us both dependent on physical comfort and it has to stop. You don’t want this Charlie, not for real. Once we start talking to Bradford you’ll see what I’m talking about. Once we start seeing him again, we’ll both be able to let this go.”
“No, Don, it’s not like that. I know what he did but it’s wasn’t just him. We were both there Don. I know you felt it, felt the connection between us before he took us.”
“I didn’t Charlie.” He forced out. It was the truth. He’d never thought of Charlie like that, never would have conceived he could fall into something like that, but now that he’d learned what his brother felt like, how he tasted, he wasn’t sure he could ever go back. Hell, at least he was well known for his string of bad relationships. It would be easier to hide his inability to think about anyone but Charlie in his arms ever again.
“I’m going to go. I’ll talk to Dad and schedule the doc to come out and we’ll see him together,” he said as he started to walk back to the door.
“Don, don’t leave me.”
“I’m not leaving you Chuck, not really. I’m just doing what needs to be done.”
“Walking out the door?”
“Yes, before I do something stupid.”
Bradford saw them in Charlie’s garage at first. Then after a month of visits, two a week, they were able to get Charlie into the house. He still slept in the garage, but he was coming inside for meals and spending some time with Don and their father in the house.
The team began to show up, little by little. Charlie had a hard time with David, but Bradford realized that Charlie associated him with the traumatic events far more than the others since he’d seen him in the room they’d been held captive. David let Charlie set the pace of their interactions and had far more patience with the genius than any of the others would have thought possible. He smiled, wide and sincere, whenever Charlie let him a little closer or trusted him a little more and Charlie responded to his honest display.
At work Don was able to concentrate more, and his team stopped looking at him like he would break, but Don was hovering on the edge of exhaustion. He was working, dealing with Charlie’s issues, and still going home alone each night to fall into a bed that he couldn’t sleep in. Nothing helped and he was loathe to use drugs to fall asleep, afraid his brother would need him in the middle of the night and Don wouldn’t be able to respond.
“Don, you look awful,” Charlie said as Bradford left their session. They were in the garage again because the psychologist had wanted Charlie to explain why this room felt safer to him than any other. Charlie had shown him exactly where things had been in the other room, how he’d done his best to recreate it.
Don fell back on the bed in the middle of the room and tensed when he felt his brother settle in beside him. Charlie wasn’t touching him though, just lay beside him within easy reach. “I’m okay Charlie, I just need to get some sleep I think.”
It was the last thing he said before his eyes drooped shut and his yawn turned into a long exhale of breath that led him to sleep.
When he woke a few hours later, Don looked up to find Charlie sitting on the edge of the bed, a book in hand, a notebook on his knee. He watched for a few minutes as Charlie scribbled figures furiously and couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face at seeing his brother so caught up in the numbers. It was the one thing that had probably bothered his brother the most when they’d been captive, the inability to express his thoughts.
He dropped his head back to the mattress, still smiling. It wasn’t a full night’s sleep but he’d slept better in those last few hours than he had the entire time they’d been out. He knew why too, didn’t need to ask the shrink about that one, but it felt good anyway.
“Don?” he heard the question in Charlie’s voice and he turned to look at his little brother.
“Yeah Charlie, I’m awake.”
“You don’t have to be. I mean, you can sleep a while longer. I was just doing some work.”
“Anything interesting?”
Charlie looked at him for a second, then back at his notebook. “I was just … running my equation.”
“What equation?”
“You know, the book.”
“Oh.”
“Do you know why I stopped working on this equation when I was a kid?”
Don shrugged. “I figured you realized you couldn’t make friends using math.”
Charlie gave him a condescending smile. “Of course you can Don. You can use math to do anything.”
Don smiled brighter because he’d known what Charlie would say to that sort of answer. Hell, it was almost ingrained in Don at that point. “So why did you quit then?”
“Because I found the answer. I did the math and I double checked it, triple checked it, went through all my data, my research. I knew that it meant what I thought it did and I couldn’t live with the answer so I dropped it entirely.”
Don frowned, uncertain of what his brother was saying. Charlie continued on before he could question him though.
“Look Don, I know it’s going to take a long time to work all this out. I know … I’m too dependent on you, but I always have been. For as long as I can remember you were keeping the bullies away, protecting me from the people that didn’t understand. Even when … even when Mom was sick, you protected me from that, as much as you hated what I was doing, you never made me see what was really going on. Michaels didn’t make you protective of me, you’ve always been that way. And he didn’t make me rely on you, didn’t make me need your approval anymore than I already did. It was just the way we expressed it that changed.”
“What are you saying here Charlie?”
“Maybe Michaels made us do things we never would have done Don, but it doesn’t mean what developed isn’t real. It doesn’t mean that what we felt before didn’t contribute as well.”
“Charlie,” he said, sitting up on the bed. He had no idea how to counter where his brother was taking this idea, though he could see it crystal clear now.
“I quit the equation Don, because the answer was you.”
“What?”
“I was twelve years old and the equation I created to help me find friends told me that the person I was closest too, my soul mate if you would,” he said with a huff, “was my big brother.”
“Charlie.”
“So I stopped. The thing is Don, I don’t know how I felt before this all happened, I can’t tell anymore. But I do know that what I felt was real, what I still feel is real. I know I’m safe when you’re around. I get excited when I know you’re on the way. It’s not just what happened in that room Don, it’s what’s happened ever since. It’s the way you walked out when I know it had to be killing you, the way you got Bradford in here when I know how much you dislike talking about things. I know you love me Don, you always have, but if you look deeper, you’ll find I’m right. I’m in love you Don and you’re in love with me.”
Don leaned forward, resting his head in his hands as he listened to Charlie. He wanted to stop him, to tell Charlie not to put so much faith in his math but he knew better. Charlie believed. The problem was that so did Don. He’d been fighting so hard against his feelings, knowing the root was because of what Michaels had forced them to do, but in the end it was what he was feeling in the here and now that kept him awake at night.
“We’ll get through this Don, we’ll get past what happened,” Charlie broke through his thoughts. “I know we have to do that first, but then the balls in your court. You know what I want and I think you want it too.”
Don huffed as he dropped his hands and looked at his little brother. No, not little brother, not anymore. He looked at the man before him, the strong, courageous, compassionate, insanely intelligent man and Don knew that there was nothing he wanted more than to keep Charlie safe. He wanted to keep him close and wrap him in his arms, protect him, love him the way he deserved.
He raised a hand and set it on Charlie’s shoulder, his thumb tracing up and down his brother’s neck. “My court huh?”
“Yeah,” Charlie said, his voice breathless at the touch as his eyes searched Don’s.
“We’ll figure this out with Bradford, but then? Jesus Charlie,” he said with a smile, “the answer for me will always be you.”
Author. hunters_retreat
Artist. selu
Characters. Don, Charlie, Megan, David, Colby, Larry, Alan
Pairings. Don/Charlie, mentions of Larry/Megan
Word Count.25,000
Genre. Slash
Rating. R
Warnings. dub-con, violence
Summary.Charlie Eppes is the best selling author of The Attraction Equation, a book that make finding the perfect partner a science. Of course, his own love life hasn’t been that eventful. What happens when someone obsessed with Charlie does the math and comes up with his own idea of who Charlie’s soul mate is? Can the team get to them in time before Don and Charlie’s relationship is altered beyond repair? And once they escape, can they ever be free of their captor's voice, telling them to take what they want and never let go?
When Don woke he could feel the hazy cloud around his thoughts. He knew what it meant and panic gripped him as he sat up in the hospital bed, looking for his brother.
"He's right here," he heard Megan's words but it was only after he saw his brother lying in the hospital bed next to him, no new injuries, nothing but what he’d had when they left captivity, that he could relax even in the slightest. He turned to look at the FBI agent then.
"Has he woken up yet?"
"No," she said with a fond smile for his brother. She was sitting in a chair beside Don’s bed, her clothes rumpled as if she'd been there a while. "You remember how hysterical he was when they tried to take him to run the tests?"
He had a vague recollection of it so he nodded. "Do you remember pushing the nurse out of the room? Or hitting the doctor when he tried to calm you down?"
"Shit. No I don't remember that."
"They had to sedate both of you so they could get Charlie checked out," she leaned forward, her elbows on her knees as she looked at him. "So, you ready to tell us what happened to you two?"
Don glared at her because it was the last thing he wanted to do even if a small part of him knew that he had to.
"Look Don, I know it had to be bad but Alan is going to be here soon and from the way you two are acting I'm pretty sure there are things you aren't going to want to say in front of him."
"Like what?” Don demanded. “You think I have something to hide Megan?"
Megan sat back at the anger in his words, bringing her hands up as if to sooth him. "No Don, I just meant that you'll want to spare your dad from the worst of the details. I thought you’d rather get this out of the way before he was around.”
He shivered as he looked over at Charlie. His fingers itched to touch his brother, to hold him until he woke from the drugged sleep. He wanted to reassure him that he was safe with soft kisses and whispered words that only Charlie could hear. He knew it was wrong, knew it was all manipulation and situational stress, but that didn't change his need to touch and taste, to feel his brother's life strong under his hands. It didn’t erase the memories of doing all those things and more to keep his brother safe.
“It was bad, okay? He drugged us at the hotel and when we woke we were in that room. The only exit was through the ceiling but we couldn’t get out. He …” Don paused because there was only so much he was willing to tell. If Charlie needed him to admit more, he’d think about it, but for now he was staying with the basics. “He would shut off all the lights so we couldn’t move around and he’d push some sort of gas through the ventilation of the room. Sometimes when we woke up, there would be clean clothes, or more fresh food, but other times…” he paused, taking a deep breath as his eyes searched out his brother again. “Other times we woke and Charlie was hurt.”
“Don?”
He heard his brother’s panicked voice and Don was out of his bed before he realized he’d been planning to move. “Hey Charlie, I’m right here.” He said as he tried to get to his brother. The IV line held him back but he grabbed the damn pole it was on and wheeled it over to Charlie’s bed.
“Don, I don’t think you’re supposed-“
“How you feeling?” Don ignored Megan’s attempt to interrupt as he sat himself on the edge of Charlie’s bed. Charlie looked at Megan and then back at Don before reaching for his brother. Don slid further onto the bed, letting himself wrap his arms around Charlie as they settled in the same bed together.
“Better now.” Charlie yawned into his brother’s chest.
When Don looked back up at Megan he gave her one final nod. “We’re done here.”
“How is he doing?” David asked as soon as Megan walked out of the room.
Megan shook her head and David was almost afraid of what she was going to say. He could see the defeat in her eyes and as much as he wanted to just bury his head in the sand and let it all blow past, he had to know what was happening with his team, his friends.
“I don’t know. It’s bad,” she said softly. “Don’s always been protective of Charlie, but this is almost obsessive. And Charlie was barely awake before he was hiding behind Don again. Don confirmed what we knew about them being taken and why there were traces of drugs in their system. They were drugged and sometimes when they woke Charlie was beaten. He won’t say why that happened, or what they were able to do to stop it, but something forced this hyper attachment they’re displaying. Whatever happened between Don and Charlie, Don isn’t talking.”
“You said you had an idea earlier.” David prodded.
Megan looked like she was going to balk but then Colby pressed ahead. “We can’t help them if we don’t know what we’re dealing with Megan.”
He could see the relief in Megan’s eyes as she pulled them aside. She didn’t want to hold this on her own and she shouldn’t have to. They got them out as a team and they’d see them through recovery as a team.
“I can’t say for certain, but if you look at the way they’re clinging to one another it makes sense. Don couldn’t protect Charlie from whatever was happening so he’s letting Charlie stand behind him, sheltering him from everything he can. Charlie sees Don as the only person who can stop the bad things from happening. Whatever happened was intense and it was done in a manner that was meant to psychologically break them down and force them to rely on each other.”
“You think something happened to Charlie.” David said softly.
“With the minimal number of bruises and contusions we’ve found on Charlie’s body, I can only think of one thing that would have sent both he and Don over the edge so quickly.”
David didn’t want to hear her continue but he knew he had to let her get it out. He took a deep breath to steady himself, nodding when he was ready for her to go on.
“Rape.”
Their release from the hospital came two days later. There was no lasting damage to them physically. The doctors didn’t have any serious concerns for the brothers and the bruises Charlie was suffering didn’t warrant a longer stay. Charlie refused to allow a rape kit no matter what Megan said and Don surprised everyone by agreeing with him. The older brother refused one as well, saying he hadn’t been hurt in the encounter but no one quite believed him. Megan bit at her bottom lip when he told her to back off and there was disappointment in her eyes. Colby just nodded and walked away. David took a deep breath and gave a half smile, tilting his head in acknowledgment as he did so.
Their father was there, had been there since right after they’d woken up. He looked like hell, but Don couldn’t imagine what he must have been going through, both of his sons missing when he’d built his world around them for so many years. He swooped in, charmed the staff into letting him walk in and out whenever he wanted, and threatened the press if they came a step too close the first two days.
Neither Charlie nor Don were talking to the press and the hospital made sure to keep the reporters out. No one really cared about what happened to an FBI agent who went missing, but once word leaked out that the author of “The Attraction Equation” had gone missing it was suddenly a news worthy story.
Don ran his fingers over the thigh of his favorite pair of jeans. They were clean and soft, the pair he wore when he needed comfort. He didn’t know if his father knew that, or if it was just a coincidence that he brought them back from Don’s apartment but it felt good. A plain black tee-shirt made him feel comfortable as he waited for the doctor to come back with the last of the paperwork.
He leaned back in the chair, refusing to get in the damn bed again after three days spent in it. He closed his eyes, trying not to watch as Charlie dressed. Don heard a bang and his brother’s curse and his eyes opened of their own accord, his body already moving to Charlie’s side.
“You alright Chuck?” His hand tilted his brother’s face up to look at him.
“Yeah.” Charlie said softly. “Just … banged my elbow.”
Don nodded, brushing his lips across Charlie’s forehead before realizing what he was doing. When he thought about it, he stepped back quickly. Damn, he had to stop this. He had to control what he was doing, the feelings he was having where Charlie was concerned. It made it worse when he looked at Charlie, at the hurt in his eyes, like he knew why Don had stepped away. “Finish up,” he said softly to take the sting away. “The quicker you get dressed, the quicker we can get home.”
Charlie smiled at that, though Don knew he wouldn’t be happy when he realized what Don meant by those words. He had no intention of staying at Charlie’s, of becoming his brother’s sole means of comfort and safety now that they were out. He had to return them to their former lives, had to remember that they were just brothers before it all got out of control. Doing what they had to do to survive was one thing. Doing this willingly because he couldn’t step away from that sick bastard’s conditioning was something else entirely.
Charlie concentrated on dressing again and Don turned to stare out the window. He didn’t know what he was going to do. The FBI didn’t want him back for another week, feeling he needed at least that long to recover from the ordeal. All he wanted to do was bury himself. In his brother was the predominant desire. Since he couldn’t do that, he wanted to bury himself in work. They were taking that option from him so he was floundering, trying to find his feet.
He felt Charlie behind him, felt his brother’s forehead rest between his shoulder blades but he didn’t push him away, didn’t try to get distance between them. It was why he had to get out of the hospital and back to his life. He didn’t have it in him to deny Charlie and he knew what his brother needed right now, what would make him safe and happy. A few days out of the room and he could see the whole thing clearly. The way he’d been made to keep his brother safe, the way his touch was supposed to equate safety for Charlie. The way they had been forced into this terrible intimacy that he could never accept, never forget, never unlearn. His only chance was to run from it, pretend not to see his brother’s need, and bury his own.
Charlie’s hand came up to rest on his hip and Don closed his eyes. Not yet though. He couldn’t turn away with his brother just yet. “You okay Chuck?”
“Yeah, just want to go home.”
“Soon.”
“When are you going back to work?”
“They gave me a week off.”
“That’s it?”
He huffed softly, knowing that his brother didn’t understand his need to get back to his work. He didn’t understand Don’s need for the separation that was going to have to happen between them. Charlie was still too far under the influence of their abductor to see what was good for him, to know what had been done to him. As brilliant as Charlie was, he didn’t have an understanding of the human psyche and the convoluted things people could do to you if they really understood how.
“Mr. Eppes?”
Don turned away from the window and felt Charlie turning with him, letting Don be his shield against the rest of the world. The nurse looked askance at him as they always did when they found the two of them too close together. He didn’t know if they knew about the kidnapping but Charlie never bothered to talk to them, just cowered behind him. Don was to used to his brother clinging to act like it was something out of the ordinary.
“Yeah?”
“I have your paperwork.”
“So we sign this and we can get out of here?”
“The doctor already signed his part. Just need your John Hancock and you’re set to go,” she said with a smile.
Don approached the nurse and started rifling through the paperwork, signing where she told him to sign. Charlie was about to sign his own paperwork when their father showed up. His smile was warm and welcoming as he walked in, but there was a sadness in his eyes that Don couldn’t remember seeing since their mother had passed away.
“We were beginning to think we’d have to call a taxi.” Don teased as the nurse pointed out the correct pages to Charlie. He took a step towards their father but Charlie’s hand grabbed his wrist, stopping him.
“Don’t leave me Don.” He said softly, his eyes betraying the flood of emotions behind the words. He didn’t know if Charlie had figured out his plan or if he’d just panicked at the idea of being left with the nurse.
“I’m right here buddy.” Don answered just as softly. “Finish up and we can get you home.”
“Us home.”
“You bet. I’m more than ready to sleep in a real bed tonight.”
His father’s eyes strayed to Charlie’s hand on his wrist and when he looked up at Don, he looked concerned. Don just glared back, challenging the older man to say anything about it. He wasn’t sure how it would have ended if the nurse hadn’t interrupted.
“The doctor left some prescriptions for the both of you. There’s a pharmacy on the way out if you want to get them filled there.”
“Sleeping pills, right?” Don asked, taking his eyes away from his father to the nurse.
“Yes, but remember to use them only when needed. If you can find a way to sleep without them it’s better to try. These aren’t very strong, as I’m sure the doctor already told you, but they can be addictive.”
“We’ll be fine. Thank you.” He looked down at Charlie’s paperwork and nodded. “So we’re free to go now?”
“I just need to get someone to wheel the two of you out and you’re free.”
“Great.”
They got Charlie home and Don insisted his brother lay down. He gave Charlie one of the sleeping pills and though Charlie stared at it for a moment, he swallowed it down without asking why. “Don, lay with me?” He asked softly as he settled into the warmth of the soft comforter.
“Yeah Chuck.” He said, as he lay down beside his brother. Charlie scooted close and it only took a few minutes before he was asleep. Don ran a hand over his brother’s sleeping face and pressed their lips together in a final kiss before extracting himself from his brother’s bed.
His father was waiting in the front room, reading a book, pretending there was nothing out of the ordinary in the day. It was the same thing he’d done whenever Don had been caught as a kid, sneaking in past curfew.
“So, you’re just going to leave now?”
“Dad-“
“I don’t know what happened to you Don, but I know that your brother needs you.”
“No, he doesn’t. He needs to be able to deal with this without me around.”
“And you’re so certain of it that you drugged him so he couldn’t fight it when you left.” His father asked as he set the book in his lap.
“It’s not like that.”
“Then explain it to me.”
“No.” Don said as he grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair.
“Donnie, I know you don’t want to talk to me, but what am I supposed to tell your brother when he wakes up? You know what he’s going to be like.”
“Dad,” he hesitated because he didn’t know what to do. He had to leave, he knew that. Charlie wasn’t going to get better with him around. He wasn’t going to get better with Charlie close enough to touch. His brother wouldn’t understand that right now, but in the end, he had to believe Charlie would forgive him. He was safe now. Don had to be content with that. In time he’d be able to see his brother again, to see he was alright, but it was too much right now.
“He won’t understand but that doesn’t mean this isn’t the right thing to do.”
His father stood and Don thought he was going to argue with him, but instead he wrapped Don in his huge embrace. Don let himself rest there for a moment, taking comfort from the strength of his father before he pulled back.
“I know you can’t talk to me Donnie, but there are people who can help you. Don’t think you have to do this all on your own.”
“I know Dad. I promise, I’ll ask for help if I need it.”
“If?”
Don gave his father a half smile, then walked out the door. Every step was heavier and harder than the last as he walked away from his lover, hoping someday he’d get his brother back in his stead.
Don’s apartment had never felt as empty as it did when he returned to it. It wasn’t just the apartment. That had always been a blank slate for him, a place to unwind when he had time, but a place that he never thought of as home. Home had dark wood and soft comfort, it had his father’s pile of books and a trace of chalky fingerprints all over the walls and banisters.
He hadn’t realized he’d gone back so often during the course of a week until it became a place he couldn’t go. He knew Charlie wouldn’t be able to leave yet, not without Don there to protect him, to wrap him up in safe arms and keep the rest of the world at bay. It was what he wanted more than anything, to make sure that Charlie was well, to kiss away the stress of the day and hold him at night to stay the nightmares. He couldn’t though. It wasn’t what would pull Charlie through, so he closed himself off to the thought.
It was a cold comfort to know he was suffering like his brother, but a comfort nonetheless. A week at odds with himself and to learn how to deal with the broken relationship he now had with Charlie. Two weeks back at work where the team watched him too closely, tried a little too hard to pretend that everything was back to normal, and all Don wanted to do was cave in. He wanted to do what everyone else wanted, to go see his brother and to help Charlie deal with the kidnapping. He couldn’t though and as he saw Megan walking Larry back to her desk he couldn’t stop the anger that was bubbling up inside him. Megan and Larry who seemed to have a really good thing going but refused to make more of it. The pair who could go see Charlie whenever they wanted, who didn’t understand why Don couldn’t.
“Don, look who stopped by for a visit.” Megan said with a soft smile.
“Yeah, hey Larry. How are you?” He asked, barely looking up from the files on his desk.
“As well as can be expected I suppose.” The professor said with a shake of his head. “Your father just gave me a rather sound beating at chess, and while I try not to let the competitive nature of my species dictate my actions, there are times when I must admit it bothers me.”
Don nodded, glad to hear that was all he was talking about. He didn’t need another lecture about his duty to his father or brother. Too many people thought they knew what was best for him and Charlie and none of them had any idea.
“I couldn’t coax Charles out of his room for a game though. I thought it might work for a moment, but then he closed the door again, and refused to come out.”
“Refused to come out? Out of where?”
Larry looked at Megan and Megan looked as incredulous as he did. “When Charlie woke after you left he went straight to the garage. He comes out for the bathroom mostly when no one else is there, but otherwise, he refuses to leave. I thought you knew about that.”
“I thought Charlie was in the house.” Don said, a pit of uncertainty forming in his stomach. “I thought he was getting better.”
Larry shrugged. “That would be hard when he won’t talk to anyone.”
“I thought he was seeing a shrink.”
“Well… a psychologist can only do so much when someone refuses to talk to them,” Megan answered. “He’ll let a few of us come into the garage with him, but even the psychologist has to come to him and we’re only allowed so far in. Anything past a certain point and Charlie huddles on the bed he moved into the center of the room.”
He could picture it so clearly in his mind, his brother’s garage had similar dimensions as their prison. The hide-a-bed their father kept out there could easily be moved into the right position, and Charlie huddled on the bed, waiting for Don to comfort him, to tell him when it was okay to come out and back into the sheltered existence of their captivity.
“Jesus Chuck,” he whispered to himself a hand wiping over his face as he tried to understand why no one had told him about that. Then he realized, they didn’t understand. Neither he nor Charlie were talking and until one of them did, so many of the things that mattered were kept just between them.
“Don,” Larry said softly. “Don’t you think it’s time you talked to your brother?”
Don didn’t answer but he stepped away from the other man. He grabbed his jacket and walked out. He doubted anyone believed he was going to do what they thought was necessary. Hell, he wasn’t going to do what he wanted either since that included wrapping Charlie in his arms and keeping him safe, telling him he never had to hide behind Don again. He never had to cower in fear on the bed as they waited for the next set of instructions, the next series of bruises if Don didn’t comply.
He pulled out his cell phone and called the director. Don told him he needed some more time to clear his head and he was gone for the rest of the week, a four day weekend so he could get his head away from Charlie and back to the life they both needed him to live.
It didn’t work though. Instead of getting his head clear all he could think about was his brother, terrified and needing him. He closed his eyes as he sat on his couch, remembering the way he would sooth his brother’s fears. The way Charlie would calm under his touch, how he would let out a small breathy exhale when Don pressed his lips to Charlie’s forehead, how he would moan and arch when Don filled him.
He had to do what was best for them both of them, but what was best? Don wasn’t getting any better. He could no longer lie to himself; at the end of the day he was still running from what had happened and Charlie was stuck in the same spot, unable to move on without Don there to help him.
He couldn’t go back to Charlie and be what they had been molded into, but he couldn’t let it go either. None of it mattered in the end though, because before anything else, Don was a big brother and Charlie needed him. No matter how much it might hurt, or how it might affect his own damaged psyche, he knew he had to do something.
He could hear their voices before he got to the door so he paused outside, listening.
“You just need to leave him alone.” He could hear Charlie’s voice reaching almost hysterical levels of anger. “You don’t understand!”
“You are right there my friend,” Larry said calmly, sympathetically. “Because you won’t tell us. How can we be asked to understand what you won’t explain?”
“The question is, how can you attempt to offer help when you don’t? Don is,” Charlie’s voice broke slightly, “he’s fine. He doesn’t need you interfering in his life.”
“Charles, no one is trying to interfere. We just want to see you both well again.”
Charlie huffed at Larry’s words. Don could imagine him wrapping his arms around his waist, elbows tight against his hips to protect himself. “Don’s the strong one.”
He couldn’t take the defeat in his brother’s voice, the way Charlie’s mind automatically made Don the strong one and categorized himself as the smart one, or the freaky one, or the obsessive one. Yeah, Don might be physically stronger than his brother, but he’d never met another human being with the sheer force of personality that Charlie had. He walked into the room and smiled as he took in Larry and Megan standing just inside the door. “Hey guys.” He said softly.
“Don?” Larry’s surprise hit him viscerally, the belief that Don wouldn’t be there when his brother needed him. They didn’t understand, as Charlie had pointed out, but Don did. He had to do something about Charlie’s inability to leave this room and his need to defend Don.
That one word was all he got from either Larry or Megan before he saw Charlie and his brother was looking at him with a strange look in his eyes. Part of it is anger, part hunger, but it was the last emotion he didn’t understand; awe, maybe fear. He didn’t know but when Charlie stood up from his seat on the bed, Don took a single step forward before Charlie was burying himself in his brother’s chest.
He vaguely heard Megan comment about leaving them alone and when the door closed, he let his lips brush his brother’s temple. “Jesus Charlie, what are you doing out here?”
Charlie didn’t look up at him, didn’t try to get away from the embrace. “I … I couldn’t do it Don, not alone, not without you.”
“Shhhh … I know. That’s why I’m here. We’ve got to get you out of the garage, get you talking to someone. You can’t stay like this.”
“And you can?”
Charlie stepped away and Don closed his eyes, shaking his head minutely. “No, I can’t. I thought… maybe if we got Dr. Bradford to come by … we could talk to him together. You know, like that time you came in with me?”
“You won’t leave me with him?”
“No, I won’t.”
There was a long pause as Charlie looked at him, shaking his head. “You left before.”
Don closed his eyes. He knew this was going to happen, had to happen, but it didn’t make it any easier. “Yeah I did. I thought maybe we could get past this if I just backed off a little.”
“You didn’t back off a little, you were just gone.”
“I’m sorry Charlie. I just … I can’t stop myself.” He felt the anger building and tried to tamp it down, but he knew it wouldn’t take much to set him off into a full blown rage. “The things he did, what he made us do, I can’t stop wanting to comfort you Charlie, to make sure you feel safe and the only way I know how to do that anymore is sexual.”
“I don’t care Don.”
He let out a bitter laugh. “You don’t care. I know Charlie, that’s why I had to go. You don’t care and that’s so far out of the norm it shows just how messed up we both are.”
“Don,”
“No, listen. This whole thing, it’s just because he wanted to see us break. What he did was systematic and planned. He made you rely on me and he made me responsible for your health and safety. He made us both dependent on physical comfort and it has to stop. You don’t want this Charlie, not for real. Once we start talking to Bradford you’ll see what I’m talking about. Once we start seeing him again, we’ll both be able to let this go.”
“No, Don, it’s not like that. I know what he did but it’s wasn’t just him. We were both there Don. I know you felt it, felt the connection between us before he took us.”
“I didn’t Charlie.” He forced out. It was the truth. He’d never thought of Charlie like that, never would have conceived he could fall into something like that, but now that he’d learned what his brother felt like, how he tasted, he wasn’t sure he could ever go back. Hell, at least he was well known for his string of bad relationships. It would be easier to hide his inability to think about anyone but Charlie in his arms ever again.
“I’m going to go. I’ll talk to Dad and schedule the doc to come out and we’ll see him together,” he said as he started to walk back to the door.
“Don, don’t leave me.”
“I’m not leaving you Chuck, not really. I’m just doing what needs to be done.”
“Walking out the door?”
“Yes, before I do something stupid.”
Bradford saw them in Charlie’s garage at first. Then after a month of visits, two a week, they were able to get Charlie into the house. He still slept in the garage, but he was coming inside for meals and spending some time with Don and their father in the house.
The team began to show up, little by little. Charlie had a hard time with David, but Bradford realized that Charlie associated him with the traumatic events far more than the others since he’d seen him in the room they’d been held captive. David let Charlie set the pace of their interactions and had far more patience with the genius than any of the others would have thought possible. He smiled, wide and sincere, whenever Charlie let him a little closer or trusted him a little more and Charlie responded to his honest display.
At work Don was able to concentrate more, and his team stopped looking at him like he would break, but Don was hovering on the edge of exhaustion. He was working, dealing with Charlie’s issues, and still going home alone each night to fall into a bed that he couldn’t sleep in. Nothing helped and he was loathe to use drugs to fall asleep, afraid his brother would need him in the middle of the night and Don wouldn’t be able to respond.
“Don, you look awful,” Charlie said as Bradford left their session. They were in the garage again because the psychologist had wanted Charlie to explain why this room felt safer to him than any other. Charlie had shown him exactly where things had been in the other room, how he’d done his best to recreate it.
Don fell back on the bed in the middle of the room and tensed when he felt his brother settle in beside him. Charlie wasn’t touching him though, just lay beside him within easy reach. “I’m okay Charlie, I just need to get some sleep I think.”
It was the last thing he said before his eyes drooped shut and his yawn turned into a long exhale of breath that led him to sleep.
When he woke a few hours later, Don looked up to find Charlie sitting on the edge of the bed, a book in hand, a notebook on his knee. He watched for a few minutes as Charlie scribbled figures furiously and couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face at seeing his brother so caught up in the numbers. It was the one thing that had probably bothered his brother the most when they’d been captive, the inability to express his thoughts.
He dropped his head back to the mattress, still smiling. It wasn’t a full night’s sleep but he’d slept better in those last few hours than he had the entire time they’d been out. He knew why too, didn’t need to ask the shrink about that one, but it felt good anyway.
“Don?” he heard the question in Charlie’s voice and he turned to look at his little brother.
“Yeah Charlie, I’m awake.”
“You don’t have to be. I mean, you can sleep a while longer. I was just doing some work.”
“Anything interesting?”
Charlie looked at him for a second, then back at his notebook. “I was just … running my equation.”
“What equation?”
“You know, the book.”
“Oh.”
“Do you know why I stopped working on this equation when I was a kid?”
Don shrugged. “I figured you realized you couldn’t make friends using math.”
Charlie gave him a condescending smile. “Of course you can Don. You can use math to do anything.”
Don smiled brighter because he’d known what Charlie would say to that sort of answer. Hell, it was almost ingrained in Don at that point. “So why did you quit then?”
“Because I found the answer. I did the math and I double checked it, triple checked it, went through all my data, my research. I knew that it meant what I thought it did and I couldn’t live with the answer so I dropped it entirely.”
Don frowned, uncertain of what his brother was saying. Charlie continued on before he could question him though.
“Look Don, I know it’s going to take a long time to work all this out. I know … I’m too dependent on you, but I always have been. For as long as I can remember you were keeping the bullies away, protecting me from the people that didn’t understand. Even when … even when Mom was sick, you protected me from that, as much as you hated what I was doing, you never made me see what was really going on. Michaels didn’t make you protective of me, you’ve always been that way. And he didn’t make me rely on you, didn’t make me need your approval anymore than I already did. It was just the way we expressed it that changed.”
“What are you saying here Charlie?”
“Maybe Michaels made us do things we never would have done Don, but it doesn’t mean what developed isn’t real. It doesn’t mean that what we felt before didn’t contribute as well.”
“Charlie,” he said, sitting up on the bed. He had no idea how to counter where his brother was taking this idea, though he could see it crystal clear now.
“I quit the equation Don, because the answer was you.”
“What?”
“I was twelve years old and the equation I created to help me find friends told me that the person I was closest too, my soul mate if you would,” he said with a huff, “was my big brother.”
“Charlie.”
“So I stopped. The thing is Don, I don’t know how I felt before this all happened, I can’t tell anymore. But I do know that what I felt was real, what I still feel is real. I know I’m safe when you’re around. I get excited when I know you’re on the way. It’s not just what happened in that room Don, it’s what’s happened ever since. It’s the way you walked out when I know it had to be killing you, the way you got Bradford in here when I know how much you dislike talking about things. I know you love me Don, you always have, but if you look deeper, you’ll find I’m right. I’m in love you Don and you’re in love with me.”
Don leaned forward, resting his head in his hands as he listened to Charlie. He wanted to stop him, to tell Charlie not to put so much faith in his math but he knew better. Charlie believed. The problem was that so did Don. He’d been fighting so hard against his feelings, knowing the root was because of what Michaels had forced them to do, but in the end it was what he was feeling in the here and now that kept him awake at night.
“We’ll get through this Don, we’ll get past what happened,” Charlie broke through his thoughts. “I know we have to do that first, but then the balls in your court. You know what I want and I think you want it too.”
Don huffed as he dropped his hands and looked at his little brother. No, not little brother, not anymore. He looked at the man before him, the strong, courageous, compassionate, insanely intelligent man and Don knew that there was nothing he wanted more than to keep Charlie safe. He wanted to keep him close and wrap him in his arms, protect him, love him the way he deserved.
He raised a hand and set it on Charlie’s shoulder, his thumb tracing up and down his brother’s neck. “My court huh?”
“Yeah,” Charlie said, his voice breathless at the touch as his eyes searched Don’s.
“We’ll figure this out with Bradford, but then? Jesus Charlie,” he said with a smile, “the answer for me will always be you.”