Protection
Protection
“You wouldn't know a nightmare if it punched you in the face and then threw you across the room.”
There were a lot of things Dean and Eliot fought about. A lot of things they didn’t like about one another but in the overall scheme of things, they tended to get past it. As soon as he said those words though, the look in Dean’s eyes made Eliot think perhaps he’d crossed some line he hadn’t intended to.
He hated it. Hated that Dean and, to some degree, Sam still treated him like he didn’t know what was out there. He’d been a different person before he’d become a hunter, a person who knew all about the big baddies in the world. The ‘natural’ ones. Sometimes he needed to scream it to make sure Sam and Dean remembered where he got his training.
Dean scowled, his eyes filled with knowledge that Eliot wanted him to share but that he feared almost as much. “A nightmare?” Dean asked. “You think you understand what a human nightmare is?” He gave a bitter smile and shook his head. “Tell me Eliot. What have you seen?”
“Murderers. Sociopaths. Child molesters and insanity. It’s all out there Dean. It’s all out there and you don’t see past the supernatural monsters to know it.”
Dean had him pinned to the wall a second later, his eyes boring into him. “Don’t talk to me about what’s out there Eliot. You know about it all from behind the veneer of safety. You know about it because you chose to be a ‘retrieval specialist’.” The way he said the word it was a joke, something nasty and stupid and Eliot felt his stomach drop because he’d been so proud of the jobs he’d done in that capacity. He’d prided himself at being the best.
“You want to talk about child molesters? Pedophiles?” He let go of Eliot, eyes darting to the door as they both heard it opening, watched Sam walk in the door after a day’s research. “Find out how I put food on the table when John got caught up in a hunt, or just miscalculated what we needed.”
He walked out without another word and Eliot was left reeling in his wake. He looked at Sam who looked at the door, eyes almost liquid before turning back to Eliot. When he sat on the bed he took a deep breath and just shook his head when Eliot slid down the wall. “He didn’t just protect me from the supernatural. Two young kids without an adult around in the types of areas we lived in? We got noticed a lot. Dean got noticed a lot. He made sure it never touched me though. I knew. God help me I knew what he was doing, but I couldn’t stop it.”
Sam moved to the window looking out across the parking lot to the parked car as he watched Dean sitting on the hood of it. “There are a lot of monsters in the world Eliot. He’s protected me from them all. Except one.” He said, giving a small smile.
“He said he’d take care of me. Said he’d protect me. But he never learned to say no to me. He thinks he let me down. He thinks he’s a monster because of what’s between us.”
“No Sammy, he loves you.”
“Yes he does and he’s loved me for a long time. I was young enough when it started to be considered pedophilia even outside the issues of incest. He thinks what happened to him, the things he had to do, he thinks they made him what he is.”
“I love him for who he is Sam.”
Sam nodded. “So do I. He’s never learned to accept that though. He’ll always hate himself for it, always hate himself for wanting and for caving to it, but he’ll do it anyways because I want it. But he is his own worst nightmare and he relives it constantly, always playing in his head, the way he touched, the way they touched him.”
“What can we do?”
“The same thing he does for me. I protect him. I tell him what he means to me. I remind him of how much I feel for him, how he feels for me, what makes us work so good together. I don’t know if it will ever be enough, but until his nightmare stops, I’ll keep on doing it.”
“Jesus.” Eliot said under his breath.
Sam smiled softly. “Yeah. Welcome to my life. There’s a lot of twist and turns and Dean complicates the hell out of it all, but he’s mine and I’ll do what I can now to protect him.”
“You wouldn't know a nightmare if it punched you in the face and then threw you across the room.”
There were a lot of things Dean and Eliot fought about. A lot of things they didn’t like about one another but in the overall scheme of things, they tended to get past it. As soon as he said those words though, the look in Dean’s eyes made Eliot think perhaps he’d crossed some line he hadn’t intended to.
He hated it. Hated that Dean and, to some degree, Sam still treated him like he didn’t know what was out there. He’d been a different person before he’d become a hunter, a person who knew all about the big baddies in the world. The ‘natural’ ones. Sometimes he needed to scream it to make sure Sam and Dean remembered where he got his training.
Dean scowled, his eyes filled with knowledge that Eliot wanted him to share but that he feared almost as much. “A nightmare?” Dean asked. “You think you understand what a human nightmare is?” He gave a bitter smile and shook his head. “Tell me Eliot. What have you seen?”
“Murderers. Sociopaths. Child molesters and insanity. It’s all out there Dean. It’s all out there and you don’t see past the supernatural monsters to know it.”
Dean had him pinned to the wall a second later, his eyes boring into him. “Don’t talk to me about what’s out there Eliot. You know about it all from behind the veneer of safety. You know about it because you chose to be a ‘retrieval specialist’.” The way he said the word it was a joke, something nasty and stupid and Eliot felt his stomach drop because he’d been so proud of the jobs he’d done in that capacity. He’d prided himself at being the best.
“You want to talk about child molesters? Pedophiles?” He let go of Eliot, eyes darting to the door as they both heard it opening, watched Sam walk in the door after a day’s research. “Find out how I put food on the table when John got caught up in a hunt, or just miscalculated what we needed.”
He walked out without another word and Eliot was left reeling in his wake. He looked at Sam who looked at the door, eyes almost liquid before turning back to Eliot. When he sat on the bed he took a deep breath and just shook his head when Eliot slid down the wall. “He didn’t just protect me from the supernatural. Two young kids without an adult around in the types of areas we lived in? We got noticed a lot. Dean got noticed a lot. He made sure it never touched me though. I knew. God help me I knew what he was doing, but I couldn’t stop it.”
Sam moved to the window looking out across the parking lot to the parked car as he watched Dean sitting on the hood of it. “There are a lot of monsters in the world Eliot. He’s protected me from them all. Except one.” He said, giving a small smile.
“He said he’d take care of me. Said he’d protect me. But he never learned to say no to me. He thinks he let me down. He thinks he’s a monster because of what’s between us.”
“No Sammy, he loves you.”
“Yes he does and he’s loved me for a long time. I was young enough when it started to be considered pedophilia even outside the issues of incest. He thinks what happened to him, the things he had to do, he thinks they made him what he is.”
“I love him for who he is Sam.”
Sam nodded. “So do I. He’s never learned to accept that though. He’ll always hate himself for it, always hate himself for wanting and for caving to it, but he’ll do it anyways because I want it. But he is his own worst nightmare and he relives it constantly, always playing in his head, the way he touched, the way they touched him.”
“What can we do?”
“The same thing he does for me. I protect him. I tell him what he means to me. I remind him of how much I feel for him, how he feels for me, what makes us work so good together. I don’t know if it will ever be enough, but until his nightmare stops, I’ll keep on doing it.”
“Jesus.” Eliot said under his breath.
Sam smiled softly. “Yeah. Welcome to my life. There’s a lot of twist and turns and Dean complicates the hell out of it all, but he’s mine and I’ll do what I can now to protect him.”