URGENT NOTICE
i just want to know when i'm going to stop being a failure. they really should study me in my natural habitat of the lab, gnawing on the cheese of my fucking FELLOW LAB RATS BECAUSE I CANT SEEM TO BE ABLE TO LEARN FROM PRIOR MISTAKES.
this time around isn't a practice warm-up, and things are getting real. the ball has ALWAYS been cemented in my court, and i was free to juggle it recklessly and mindlessly free-throw. but the players of this new game are more well-matched and competitve and i'll miss my only shot if i continue to fuck up like this. i've always been keenly aware of the folly of my STUPID ways, but it's like there's this sabatoging force within me that wants to stir drama. it's as though i can't tolerate for too long the elements of my life that are healthy and provide happiness. there's a stagnancy that exists in happiness because it lacks the turbulent fluctuation that would characterize a fucked up relationship. happiness requires one to surrender his/her ego and give in to the universe's capricious whim. and the idea of me being that vulnerable scares the LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME.
wow. so is this the secret? i'm afraid of happiness, even though it's all i crave? am i even capable of letting down my guard long enough to let it seep in?
i just want things to be ok again. i want to be someone worth loving. i have gone into every relationship predicting that my heavy emotional baggage will be too much for the boyfriend to deal with. or that maybe one of my idiosyncracies that he once thought was cute will become an annoying tick that wilts his attraction for me. of course, the more i articulate these fears, the more i'm embedding this fate into our minds. ironically, i create a self-fulfilling prophesy that achieves the very thing i wanted to avert in the first place.
studio audiences stay tuned for alyssa's continuing rendition of being a FUCK-UP.
GODDDD UGH. i just want to be loved, and i feel like no one will ever be able to put up with me long enough to love me. no one is ever going to fall in love with me.
not at the rate i'm going, anyway.
this time around isn't a practice warm-up, and things are getting real. the ball has ALWAYS been cemented in my court, and i was free to juggle it recklessly and mindlessly free-throw. but the players of this new game are more well-matched and competitve and i'll miss my only shot if i continue to fuck up like this. i've always been keenly aware of the folly of my STUPID ways, but it's like there's this sabatoging force within me that wants to stir drama. it's as though i can't tolerate for too long the elements of my life that are healthy and provide happiness. there's a stagnancy that exists in happiness because it lacks the turbulent fluctuation that would characterize a fucked up relationship. happiness requires one to surrender his/her ego and give in to the universe's capricious whim. and the idea of me being that vulnerable scares the LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME.
wow. so is this the secret? i'm afraid of happiness, even though it's all i crave? am i even capable of letting down my guard long enough to let it seep in?
i just want things to be ok again. i want to be someone worth loving. i have gone into every relationship predicting that my heavy emotional baggage will be too much for the boyfriend to deal with. or that maybe one of my idiosyncracies that he once thought was cute will become an annoying tick that wilts his attraction for me. of course, the more i articulate these fears, the more i'm embedding this fate into our minds. ironically, i create a self-fulfilling prophesy that achieves the very thing i wanted to avert in the first place.
studio audiences stay tuned for alyssa's continuing rendition of being a FUCK-UP.
GODDDD UGH. i just want to be loved, and i feel like no one will ever be able to put up with me long enough to love me. no one is ever going to fall in love with me.
not at the rate i'm going, anyway.